Haven’t had much to say on here in a while. Feeling a cold coming on since yesterday morning, so I probably won’t type much today. Just a short update.
Not sure how to describe my feelings lately. This year has been chaotic and unexpected on various fronts, most especially in watching my former partner fall in love with someone else and become engaged, with the wedding scheduled for this January. That’s been a bit of a trip, though I do wish him well. Just leaves a person a bit unmoored when your people drift away. He’s still around so far as phone conversations are concerned, but he’s moved with her out of state and this month has successfully sold his house. Times change, as they need to. Still feels a bit bizarre though, seeing his life alter so dramatically in such a short amount of time. But he’s happier and he fits in well with her family.
I’ve set adrift this year, trying to figure out where to focus my attention since that chapter has officially been closed. I won’t go in to details about my lifestyle and proclivities here today — just know that so much remains up in the air and that shifts back and forth continue occurring. My business took a bit of a downturn over the summer due to a few clients moving out of state (seems everyone is fleeing this place all of a sudden), so that’s been a bit nerve-racking to contend with, forcing me to be much tighter with money. But money tends to be easy come, easy go, so I don’t worry too terribly much. I always find a way. Plus I’ve taken on a part-time side job, not so much for the additional money since it doesn’t pay well but for the opportunity to work in a completely different environment than I’m used to, learn some new skills, and to take up some of this time I find on my hands. Idle hands are the devil’s play things, so they say, and lord knows I’m prone to give my own inner gremlin too much leeway when bored.
Times aren’t bad, they’re just kinda different. Reconnected with a friend whom I had a bit of a falling out with back in the summer. Glad to be back around him and to be past all of that. We likely can prove valuable to one another if we play our cards right. Negative lifestyle choices always factor in to our ordeal, but maybe this time we’ll figure out a way to make things better. I’m no longer convinced I can contend with everything on my own. People need their tribes, need somewhere to belong and others worth trusting. Leaders worth following. But I also know that no one can save you but you.
Been lying low and unfortunately not felt up to chatting with family members who’ve reached out in recent times. Nothing personal, just don’t know what to say to them. Plans have changed and convictions overturned for the time being. Not wishing to worry them but also not interested in offering up justifications. Hence why I live 900 miles away. Space and privacy can be a luxury.
Sometimes I still think of leaving this place eventually, but I know not where I’d rather be. Winter is coming and it’s already getting bitterly cold here, per its norm. Still resistant to breaking out the thick winter coat just yet, but soon enough it will force my hand. In a way I’m kind of glad I won’t have to work outdoors as much for a change.
My soul hurts a bit lately. Been going to the gym off and on. Haven’t been to the shooting range in probably 3-4 weeks but will eventually. Yes, self-care matters, and I know I feel better when energy is exerted and physical intensity forces me out of my head for a spell. Stomach hurts a good bit this past week, but I ate well on Saturday when out with a friend and also made myself eat dinner last night. I have very mixed feelings about my life choices at present, but I’m trying to have a little faith that things will turn around in due time. As always, much of the problem lies within my own thoughts and framing of life. It’s difficult to feel grounded when the future appears so perplexing. I don’t know how to effectively respond to it other than to try to find a home, so to speak. Figure out where I belong and take up roots there. Because this blowing in the wind bullshit is for the birds. Done it for enough years and feel the toll it’s taken. Individualism is the bee’s knees, but we’re indeed collectivists by nature as well. And I can’t really see a point to any of it when viewed from my own isolated, alienated, individual perspective. That hasn’t changed and apparently will not. Moorings matter. Civic nationalism always used to matter to me too, but it’s no longer enough either, not when we see what’s being done politically here and abroad. We the common people are losing a say in how the future unfolds. Part of me finds it all rather terrifying, but part of me has been living with these thoughts so long that I’ve grown used to them. I just know that the orientation needed has be about something bigger than oneself, has to include others one can work with, or else all these precious principles we claim to care about wind up being meaningless in the end.
I’m not depressed currently. Or at least not to the level I once was. Some would call me “black pilled,” which I initially didn’t like the sound of but am growing to accept the term. I am, however, emotionally tired — worn out and needing to somehow recharge. This has been an ongoing concern that needs to be remedied. Some of us need people around and recognize how strange we can become when left to our own devices for too long. Sometimes it feels very necessary to pull away from others and hole up in my apartment alone and to take care of myself; but so too it feels necessary to come back out to socialize and reconnect and to share one’s den. It’s been interesting observing how noting so many of life’s complexities actually strips one down to paying attention to basic core concerns. It’s as if the bigger life shows itself to be, the smaller we seem therein and the more the root fundamentals come to matter. That’s what it’s been teaching me anyway.
So, life remains crazy and mad, as to be expected. A lot has changed and yet a lot still remains the same. I’m not certain of much right about now and have many mixed feelings. But I am glad to be back around someone whom I’ve missed. I have no idea what the future will hold for me and try very hard not to stress too much about it nowadays. It’s just life — try not to be overwhelmed by it. Keep it simple, stupid — a good mantra to keep in mind. My dreams have nearly all disintegrated over time, so I’m not entirely sure what to aspire toward now, truth be told. In a sense, I’m lost, but not entirely. Or at least I’m not overly panicked about that fact at the moment. Just feels paralyzing sometimes, not knowing where to turn or what to do. Expectations can do more harm than good. Stripping down to essentials appears to be the new name of the game. I’m not sure what it means to win, though I have a clearer idea of what it means to lose. Sometimes we need to tread water and just be where we’re at, letting go of the guilt and anger that keeps poisoning our psyches. Just be human, fallibilities and all. I keep asking myself what I’m afraid of, but I can’t say for certain. Lots of things, yet fewer things over time. Missing out on worthwhile experiences worries me.
My confidence isn’t high at this time. Insecurities are a plague. The hope is that through dedication to simplicity perhaps this will improve eventually. Conscientious living in an effort to combat (or at least learn to better manage) neuroticism. It’s all a big experiment, as always, trying to figure out what feels like the proper way onward.