To drink or not to drink, that is the question

And I personally choose to drink. Has it caused me any troubles? Not legally, thankfully, but yeah, sure, drama has occurred on occasions. Been drinking regularly since turning 21 and hitting the tavern scene. Been a drinker pretty steadily ever since. Then got into reefer more regularly beginning about 2007. Truth be told. Started staying home more and drinking alone in 2012 after tiring of the bar scene. Here we stand two years onward…

Let it be noted that I drink in my off-hours when no more business is scheduled to be tended to. No desire to violate that rule either.

How much do I drink? More than some, less than others. Vague but accurate. Who the hell knows what all others do behind closed doors? My work takes me inside people’s homes, and I’ve noticed plenty of empty bottles of wine and beer cans. Just sayin’. Doesn’t surprise me any. It’s America’s most socially-acceptable drug to aid in getting by. Join the club.

I imbibe in the evening hours, though not every night. Often enough. Has drinking negatively impacted my life? Hmmm…yes and no. Sometimes. How bad? Eh. Hard to say. I can stick my foot in my mouth while stone-cold sober — been proven countless times. Able to hook up with people for sexual play without much more than a drink or two, if even that, so that’s not the issue; though, alcohol does absolutely lower inhibitions, no doubt. So long as it doesn’t mess with my job, I’m relatively content.

My stepdad replied to me about it once a year or so back saying that I should quit cold-turkey. But he’s a tee-totaler, so…he knows nothing of my sort of lifestyle and never did. What experience he has is gleaned through what he reads and his contact with adult me. lol  So, yeah, not sure what I think of that advice coming from someone disinterested in drinking nearly 100% of the time (not even the type to go to the bar occasionally for beers — no, and if he did meet friends there it would be a safe assumption that he’d order a soda or water — that’s just his personality and always has been). Not that I automatically discredit and dismiss his advice — thought about it plenty since hearing it. When my Papa quit drinking at age 50, he pretty much went cold turkey. Or that was his aim (due to serious health problems cropping up), though for a few years on he did develop a chronic habit of tilting Dr. Tichenor’s antiseptic to his tongue (I can recall a time seeing multiple empty bottles of it collected in his truck). Icky. Think I’d rather figure out a way to enjoy beer and wine in moderation.

Feel like I have a feud going on inside between wanting to tune out and/or chill when possible vs. wanting to tune back in and become more actively involved. Quite the dilemma. Thinking the only compromise here are varying days, allowing for some nights of drunken debauchery while reserving others for sobriety. Let’s see how that works out.

Almost feels like feuding with a nihilistic downward spiral at this point. But I do care. Haven’t lost hope. Just trying to muster up greater motivation to make changes. But, to be honest, a part of me says fuck it.  Says love my loved ones, take care of my business, and worry less about the rest. Around and around we go in that internal debate…


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