Looking out for love… tunes for the melancholic

Rough day. Woke this morning to a voice message from my best guyfriend saying he’d been taken by ambulance to the hospital earlier. Drove his mom home midday, then went back up and visited him a little later. Doctor’s thinking it’s severe food poisoning. Total bummer. He was super sick and is now staying overnight at the hospital. It’s worrying, though I’m sure he’s going to be okay now. Thankfully he has good medical coverage (that he’s forced to pay out the nose for, so it better be good). Poor guy. Hoping he feels better tomorrow.

My companion’s feeling under the weather as well and went right to bed after getting off work. And I got sick with what might have been a flu beginning on Jan. 2nd. Had the chills and was sweating — ugh, miserable for about 3 days. But been feeling better each day since. The word is something’s going around, with lots of locals claiming to have come down with something or other recently. At least it’s warmed up a bit outside over the last few days — screw negative temperatures, but 32 or above and I’m peachy. Still some ice in shadowy patches…

Nevermind. We’re not going to get bogged down on talk of the weather, dammit. Heh

Today I was thinking about one of Professor Anton’s recent videos where he talked about music’s power to make us cry. Seems he spoke of that back before, but it’s so true. He asked us to share examples of songs that get us to cry, and I posted this one:

That was Jeff Buckley’s heart-rending “Hallelujah.” Such a beautiful song with a bittersweet message. Always gets to me — it’s an expression of memories, stories of pained beauty. Bittersweet…sweet melody to a tune that leaves me cold afterward. Reminds me of the man who first introduced me to Jeff Buckley, not for the lyrics in that case, just that he had been 32 as well (my age now) and pretty depressed, drank way too much. But a hard worker and a skilled man. Pretty sure he hates me these days — haven’t talked to him in years, hasn’t replied to the couple of emails I sent. We met at a very weird time in my life…just a very awkward situation all the way around. But that’s rather melancholy to think back on. I’d kinda like to say to him that I’m sorry for having been a brat. Weird times. Growing up. Different life stages. But I gotta say, 32 on me today doesn’t feel nearly as old as he seemed to me back then. Whereas then I went expecting maturity, now I know better. ha

I kinda followed in his footsteps. Never wanted to, but kinda unintentionally did. Especially when it comes to living in a book-cluttered, smoky apartment. Trying to pull up out of some of what’s been going on and reasonably succeeding at present. Shortly before we cut off contact he’d gotten his third DUI, which got him jailed (but let out during the day on work release) and took his license, but it actually seemed to turn things around positively for that guy. His walking to work got him in shape, and he seemed in better spirits. Probably was best we cut off where we did, seeing as how I was about to head into a tailspin soon thereafter, due to my own bullshit, work and whatnot.

But one of the last things I remember him sneering at me was: “What would you know about depression?” And I just remember laughing at how ludicrous a statement that was. Sometimes it felt as if we never really knew one another, like we saw what we wanted to see at any given time, and not much else. Relative strangers who went bump in the night in our own way. We both held back quite a bit, almost as if we didn’t really want to know one another too deeply. A weird, on-and-off “relationship” (if one can really call it that) that began with my Lolita-esque pursuit of him, winding out into adult disconnectedness years on. Turned out to be just another experience along the way. He was an interesting character, to me anyway. Both good and bad.

He did introduce me to the music of Jeff Buckley and The Blind Boys of Alabama. Also brought author David Foster Wallace to my attention. Might’ve even first played Nina Simone for me. He played a lot of cool tunes I’d never heard before.

But anyway, Jeff Buckley also covered the song “Lilac Wine,” which is heart-breakingly mournful, though I still find myself gravitating more toward Nina Simone’s version:

Fucking pulls at chords in me every time I hear it. Came on in the car today and made me hum it all afternoon. That one’s a real doozy for me. So sad to think about your lover or loved one passing away and missing them. Tears me up just pondering that topic — my biggest fear is to be left behind by my loved ones all passing away before me.

Beautiful song though.

And now that I’m thoroughly distraught, I’ll post another song playing in my car today:

I wake up alone with it all
I wake up but only to fall

Just adore that song, “Big Love” by Lindsey Buckingham.

Another playing in my car currently that I’ve loved for a long time, David Bowie’s “As the World Falls Down” from the movie The Labyrinth:

My ex-husband and his friends used to be such big fans of that movie as teenagers, so he re-introduced me to it enough that I came to appreciate it also.

A song I’m surprised I haven’t shared on here before now, Everlast and Carlos Santana’s “Put Your Lights On”:

‘Cause there’s a monster
Living under my bed, whispering in my ear
And there’s an angel with her hand on my head
She say I got nothing to fear

Everlast came to me by way of my ex-husband also, back when we were dating and he was still in high school and the “Whitey Ford Sings the Blues” album had just come out. I remember us sitting out in his mother’s car listening to music for hours.

And now I’m in the mood to listen to ‘negro spirituals’, which I’ll start another post for.

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