More tunes and thoughts in November

Back in from turkey night. Ate myself stuffed. Calories and carbs were ridiculous. But it was a great meal. Left me feeling very thankful, appreciative and blessed. He worked hard on that meal, as he always does, and he’s a very good cook. It’s been a nice day.

Things can always be worse — that’s a very true statement. Don’t realize how good we’ve got until it’s gone is another true statement. We’re lucky to be loved and to love. Isn’t always (or usually) on time, but c’est la vie. Hidden blessings matter too. And sometimes we do get what we wish for and find out why we’re admonished to be careful with our wishes.

All truly is simply what it is, much as some hate that little declaration. Super simple yet inescapable truism. We like to think we can dramatically alter reality, and in our own limited ways we indeed can, but the Truth remains unaffected by our whims and fancies.

Anyway, also grateful for my cat. She’s a somewhat naughty girl, but she’s my lovebug. Gotten in the habit of trying to balance on my breasts while I sleep, nips on a regular basis, and thinks she’s a monkey. Otherwise she’s pretty well-behaved and sweet. A good baby. Been my housemate for a nearly a decade now.

Grateful for a warm apartment, working plumbing, a decent car, a job I like, grandparents who loved me, my true-blue friends, a largely-functional society, a healthy brother, being surrounded by so many interesting books, amazing music, and this computer before me that delivers an ungodly stream of information and entertainment, as well as allowing us to communicate quickly across long distances. Also grateful for the other technologies I rely upon, much as I gripe about modernity and its overwhelming abundance of stuff.

Time to turn on some more tunes. Beginning with one that plays regularly in my car, “Man Who Sold the World” cover by Nirvana:

Adore that song.

That was Buffalo Springfield’s “For What It’s Worth.” It plays regularly and risks turning into little more than barely noticed background noise. Worthwhile to pause occasionally and pay close attention to its lyrics, to really let it sink in and feel it. We are where we are and it’s been coming a long time. Continuously unfolding. God only knows what all lays in store for us as a society.

“In the Flesh” by Pink Floyd:

“Karma Police” by Radiohead:

Works that way more often than we realize. ‘Course we aren’t the best at recognizing cause and effect anyhow, forever distracted with rationalizations and explanations that accord with what we prefer were true.

Simon & Garfunkel’s “The Sound of Silence” (1964 version):

Nina Simone performing “The Sound of Silence” on the piano (circa 1968):

Switching gears, R.L. Burnside’s “.44 Blues”:

One of Mississippi’s finest homegrown bluesmen, there shown performing in the U.K. in the early ’90s.

That’s enough for one evening. Getting late.

Late-night journaling in early July

Now 3.5 weeks into my commitment to stop drinking and feeling fine. No big problems thus far. The cravings come and go, but they so far haven’t proven too difficult to resist and move past (other than that one snafu night a couple weeks back, but that being the only one — feel like I have to note that for full disclosure purposes — keeping it real, heh). But yeah, so far so good. People drink around me sometimes but it hasn’t really bugged me much. One night my former partner’s beer started beckoning me, so I prepared my stuff to leave and let him know I felt a bit tempted, then I wound up reverting my attention to a National Lampoon movie on the television and forgot about it.

Though the cravings do remain and are very real. Just that they’re not as difficult to combat as I’d imagined they would be or as they were during previous times in trying to quit drinking alcohol. Still do kinda miss a big frosty mug or pint glass in my hands, but not too much. My beer can fetish is easily enough remedied by toting my Schweppes seltzer water cans around instead. Fizzy yet no calories. Goes down easy and keeps me distracted from the barley pop. Obviously lacks any kick, which I do sometimes miss, but I remind myself promptly what all tends to accompany that kick. All it takes is a trip down memory lane (even memories from this year alone) to cure me of wanting a repeat of any of that. So not worth it.

Been spending a lot more time online lately, seeing as how I have a good bit more time on my hands. Watched countless videos by Kevin O’Hara on his AlcoholMastery channel over the last three weeks, all of which have proven helpful. His calm demeanor and Irish accent is very soothing while the information and experiences he shares really resonate with me. Also wandered onto other channels on YT to listen to others’ experiences on quitting drinking, including a few millennials. Good to see so many of them recognizing the problems with that lifestyle so early in life, though I’m saddened to hear the sordid details of some of their tales. Can relate to plenty of that too. They tend to refer to their issue with alcohol as “binge drinking,” but like my former partner pointed out earlier tonight, that’s what older and heavier drinkers refer to as “novice drinkers.” Which is to say that every drinker starts out with bingeing; over the years it develops into a more steady (and generally daily) habit. It’s a progression.

Very glad to have come to my senses finally. Been knowing I had to get to this point sooner rather than later, but I struggled with it over the last couple years and wouldn’t give up the drinking. Not until I got seriously pissed off, at both myself and a good many of my fellow bar patrons. This is one example where getting angry really paid off. If one can harness it, that is. Which I finally did, partly by choice and partly because I was going to blow my lid otherwise. So sick of some of the losers I found myself in the company of at these various watering holes over the years, culminating in me arriving at the worst pub I’ve ever set foot in. But I’m grateful for what major assholes some of those people proved to be — made my decision so much easier finally. Gave me a terrific wake-up call like no other. Showed me what lay in store for folks who give in to that lifestyle and take it too far. Also showed me what a bunch of bitter jerks we can be when our lives wind up reduced to shallow indulgences that do us no good. So, for these reasons, I’m glad I waltzed into that joint earlier this year and took time to get to know those assholes. They definitely made an impression on me, and I’m pleased as punch to keep putting distance between myself and folks like them. Full-on misery loving company there. Good riddance.

Not that assholes are limited to that one watering hole. Assholes abound all throughout the barscene. I don’t doubt I was an asshole too. Kinda goes with the territory.

And I’ll probably remain an asshole-of-sorts. Just glad to no longer be ingesting a chemical that messes up my mind to where I say so many of the wrong things and frequently enough can’t even recall what they even were. Tired of feeling guilty about that. Also tired of dealing with idiots who love to get a reaction out of more emotional folks like myself. Too difficult for me to check my emotions and remain level-headed once I’ve had enough to drink. I tend to get far too reactive and mouthy. Irritated by disrespect and unnecessary bullshit, or I create it. And we’re all so prone to talk over one another’s shoulders and misunderstand each other’s intentions. They react, I react, and all communication bogs down. Hence why they prefer to keep talk so light and stupid, thinking that will stave off reasons for people to argue. But it doesn’t work that way for me. Their attempts at light and stupid tend to grate on my nerves. Just don’t possess enough patience any longer to deal with all of that. Something went snap in me over time and I no longer wish to put up with my fellow barhounds’ bullshit. Went beyond stupid, beyond depressing even. Became downright pathetic. And I do include myself in that assessment as well.

It’s all still on my mind day to day as I adjust to this new way of being. But more and more I find myself thinking about other matters and letting the bad aftertaste of dealing with those jokers slowly fade away. Will take time though. Dealt with those sorts for too long. Became one of them, at least so far as I was able to. And now that’s over and there’s all kinds of new terrain to explore.

Been re-listening to some of my audiobooks lately, including Taleeb Starkes’ Black Lies Matter and Dr. James Hollis’s What Matters Most: Living A More Considered Life. Put the last bit of volume 1 of Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn’s The Gulag Archipelago on hold a few weeks back, with plans to finish it soon enough. Picked back up my print copy of Otto Rank’s Art and Artist: Creative Urge and Personality Development now that I have nifty reading glasses to aid me. Already mentioned on another recent post reading Toni Morrison’s The Bluest Eye. A couple weeks back I listened to The Wisdom Jesus by Cynthia Bourgeault, which was just okay. Before that I listened to A Troublesome Inheritance: Genes, Race, and Human History by Nicholas Wade. And also The Undoing Project: A Friendship That Changed Our Minds by Michael Lewis, which was an interesting story. And a couple other titles that slip my mind right now.

Yesterday afternoon I rented 3 of the remakes of The Planet of the Apes films, in preparation for watching the newest one coming out later this month. Don’t know much about these movies, having only seen bits and pieces of the originals. The storyline sounds interesting, so hopefully it lives up to the expectations. Thinking of cooking up spaghetti Friday evening and nestling in to begin this series. A friend of mine also wants to see them, and my former partner said he too might try to sit through one of them (not much a movie-watcher usually). Might be fun. (Might also finally break out the new popcorn popper I received as a gift months back.)

What else? Trimmed my hair this evening. It needed it. The bleached tips are drying out and in need of gradual removal. Oiled it up tonight with argon oil (and coconut oil on the tips) after putting my usual drops of jojoba oil in with my conditioners. Managed to create a nice layering effect in the back this time around. Took some time and patience but I like the result. Been trimming my own hair for a couple years or more now and so far so good. Thinking of dyeing it again sometime soon, though I can’t settle on a shade. Went with black with reddish copper tips last time, but the black dye faded all throughout pretty fast. So much for Garnier Nutrisse being a permanent dye. The black dyes I’ve used in the past were steadfast, but not that stuff. So nevermind that brand. Leaning with going for a golden medium brown to slightly lighten my original color a bit. Done it plenty of times before to nice effect. But I’m also toying with going more amber, though it seems everybody is going for red hues these days. But solid black looks flat, and my hair is already dark brown. Burgundy shades are out since they too are all the rage right now. So medium golden brown it probably will be. Avoiding the frosting this time since it’s so damaging to my hair. Been dyeing my own hair since I was a young teen, rarely opting to go the salon route, and I’ve been mostly pleased with the results. Saves money to do it oneself, plus I’ve had my hair botched worse by stylists than by myself.

Little pretties like that make me happy. Still meaning to get around to doing my complete pedicure and possible manicure. Been lazy lately though. Have to stick with neutral shades when I do it myself since I don’t have the skills that the Asian nail tech ladies possess. Best to leave the application of dark and bright shades to them. Someday I’ll be able to afford their services again. Just have to catch up my finances for a spell before indulging in such luxuries.

That’s about it for now. Taking it easy, relaxing when not working, exercising occasionally, still staying up late most nights but aiming to wake earlier, sharing meals pretty regularly with my former partner (he’s been particularly generous lately in inviting me over for dinners — probably part of the reason I’ve yet to lose any weight these past 3 weeks), and keeping the alcohol out of my mouth (in the words of Kevin O’Hara). Oh, and on the 4th of July my former and I went on a walk to observe the local fireworks, which was nice. We rarely walk together much anymore, so that was good. Didn’t bicker too much either.

Late October 2016 tunes and update

Had a good day today. Went biking with my trainer this afternoon. Shared a nice meal with my former partner this evening before hitting my favorite watering hole and beating a score that’s been bugging me for a long while on the megatouch machine (yeah, lame like that, lol). Then met an interesting couple who engaged me in a lively political discussion. The female of the couple was especially nice and I look forward to chatting with her again in the future. From Croatia and unable to vote in our country thus far, but very knowledgeable and up on what’s going on. Stayed out a little late talking with her and am now home with my own cheap brews (Busch Lights) and internet and smokie. wink  No problems here today. cool

Other than dining at a fast-food restaurant earlier before my bicycling appointment. Ugh. Gonna learn one of these days…  Rare as these diversions have become. Had healthier snacks stocked at home and KNEW IT. Also knew my former companion was cooking us dinner tonight, which turned out to be a yummy meatloaf (his is the only one I’ve ever liked), potato casserole, and steamed broccoli.  smile

Biked my ass off today though. Really pushed it. Partly because my bicycle got set in a funky gear and refused to cooperate otherwise. But fuck it. I probably needed that. Heh  My trainer’s a good one and I appreciate the few bike rides we do decide to take. Probably only biked about 3 times this year thus far. Loathe the heat. Blessed Fall.  Fall and spring are my favorite seasons.  nod

Another thing I’ve been appreciating are the cruising tunes I most recently burnt to a CD to play in my car. Don’t have a fancy, newfangled automobile with wifi-capability or Sirius radio. Hitting the town in a 2003 Ford these days. And so be it. That’s fine. Relatively easy and cheaper to work on, comparably to my last 2004 Hyundai or my previous 2002 Dodge Ram. We’ll take what we can get at this point.

So let’s play some of those tunes here tonight.

That was “Woke Up This Morning” by Alabama 3.

“Wash My Hands” by Cedric Burnside Project:

That’s not the exact version I have downloaded. But a very talented young man, most definitely. The grandson of the great R.L. Burnside.

Speaking of which, R.L. Burnside’s “Goin’ Down South”:

Yeah, it is bad, ya know?

I’m going with you, babe, I’m going with you baby
I don’t care where you go


Switching gears, another tune playing is “Country Ghetto” by JJ Grey and Mofro:

Switching gears again, Marilyn Manson’s “Personal Jesus”:

Love both that and the Depeche Mode versions.

“2 + 2 = 5” by Radiohead:

That was a cool live version.

This video might not be the best but I do adore listening to this song, “Satisfy” by MOONZz:

Good night.

Scuttling into Fall (more journaling)

Been keeping occupied over here. Finally filed my taxes this past week (thanks to an extension), dyed my hair black with dark plum ends (for the hell of it), organized the apartment a little bit (had time on my hands), and quit drinking for 7 full days (due to being on antibiotics). All better now and back to making my rounds. Next project is to finally overhaul my business website, as I’ve been promising to do for a couple years now.

Hung out with a good buddy late last night, which was nice. Looking forward to seeing him again in a few days.

Been getting along with my former companion pretty well these days. Other than the occasional minor blip we really haven’t been arguing much at all. Astoundingly. Actually been watching the Cubs vs. Dodgers games with him the last 2 days and probably will watch their 5th game with him tonight. Matters to him — sports don’t do much for me. But it gives us an opportunity to hang out and spend time together doing something he enjoys. He’s re-teaching me about the game since all such knowledge ejected from my brain a couple years back after his son ceased playing baseball.

Other than that just working and doing what I do. Getting used to the new gym and still training with my regular trainer at his place usually a couple times a week. Still working on getting my weight back down though it’s crept up a bit since returning from Mississippi. Exercise is good for my soul. Requires me to be mindful and provides needed challenges. Walking in my job is nice as well but obviously lacks intensity. That’s more of a zen practice in terms of mindfulness, wandering around looking at the leaves changing color while trying to keep puppies from dodging toward the street.

Finished listening to the audiobook The Tao of Seneca (Volume One) earlier today. It’s a collection of letters Seneca wrote to a friend. Liked it all right. Not a favorite but interesting nevertheless. So far as Stoic philosophers go, I find myself most enamored with the teachings of Epictetus thus far.

Saved a little money this past week while taking a break away from gallivanting, so that was good.

Aiming to eat a little healthier in the near-term. Been relying on my former to share meals with me over the last couple of weeks, which is fine since he’s a great cook, but it’s high time I restock my kitchen. Anything to keep me from impulsively purchasing gas station food when the mood strikes.

Had fun spending so much time online again this past week. It’s been a while since I stayed home this much. Actually missed my computer and the internet, trolls and all. Been entertaining myself with various tutorial videos on youtube and playing card games at my favorite gaming site. Need to do more of that in going forward. Spent entirely too much time and money at bars this past year, which can be fun until it becomes unnecessary drama.

I don’t doubt I’m having a bit of a crisis with my own femininity at this point in life. Thought on that a bit in recent months, though not sure what or why it is. Like I am unsure of what femalehood means for me in this next stage of development. lol  Such a weird thing to consider…

Anyway, that is whatever it is. Life goes on regardless. Not much work tomorrow or the next day and I have Sunday off. My guyfriend wants me to stop over and help him paint his garage, so that’s the weekend project. Grandma is urging me to go to a co-op and pick up some defoliant chemical to use on my former’s backyard since it’s gone completely back to nature. Pretty sure there’s a wildlife refuge back there by now. Weeds took over, “sucker trees” (as they call them here) sprouted everywhere and grew to amazing heights this summer, and so now his backyard is completely inaccessible. He and a friend took a chainsaw to a bunch of it back in the spring, but it’s back with a vengeance since. Oy. That’s one hell of a project to undertake, but so far he’s resisted my offers for assistance. So…not sure what to do about it, frankly. Might buy the chemical and apply it on my own, but it’s not my yard and therefore not my major concern. We regularly joke about how much his neighbors must be resenting him by now. Yeah, it’s a jungle back there. Crazily out of control. Never seen a full-on flora takeover like that around these parts. Has too good of soil for its own good.

Beyond that just trying to take ‘er easy. Keep unnecessary stress to a minimum and work with my people as effectively as possible. My brother’s birthday is coming up at the end of the month and I haven’t a clue what to give him. Probably will just send a card since he likely has all that he wants right now. Hitting the big 3-0, within the same year that he became a big brother for the first time ever. Ha! Ah well, that’s cool too. Best wishes to all of them.

Time to relax and warm up before heading back out into a windy, blustery fall day to do some work.

Hello Fall (late-September journaling)

Very little rest for the wicked…

Been enjoying staying out and about lately. Not playing the scene in any major way, just mingling and meeting new folks. Not really seeking much of anything right about now other than interaction and entertainment.

Will say that the one guy I attempted to date this summer wound up being a pain in the ass. Really and truly. A bad drunk who gets an attitude problem on the drop of a dime. People, especially online, like to say that we womenfolk should give men in precarious situations a chance, should be open-minded to the possibility that maybe they’ve been falsely accused by a female which is why they’ve wound up in the legal and financial predicaments they face, that maybe they’re decent men underneath it all deserving of a fair shake. Okay, well, I’m the type to give people a couple of chances to see what they’re made of, and this last attempt unfortunately demonstrated that some guys bring hellfire onto themselves. His financial problems appear largely to be a consequence of his drinking problem. Let his life fall down. Bankrupt his business, let his house be foreclosed on (which makes little sense for a place he’s lived in for 20 years that only has a $700-something/mo. mortgage payment, not much more than I’ve been paying in rent all these years — in other words, not some ballooning mortgage trap), let his child support payments fall behind on the one daughter he has. And the domestic violence charge, accompanied by an OWI, that he managed to attract last year turns out to be the result of his own drunken stupidity and negligence. He’s a grown man in his 50s so this isn’t some naive young man I’m speaking about here. Well, with all of that on his current resume you’d think maybe he’d be grateful that a woman would be willing to take a chance on his ass. Wrong. Arrogant and rude for no good reason is what he is. About a month into knowing him I finally had had enough. Can’t even be friends with a son of a bitch like that. Mean-spirited jerk is what he proved to be. Kind of embarrassed that I ever gave him the time of day to begin with. On top of that, he’s a bartender. I rarely ever date bartenders, and for good reason.

Story should’ve ended over a week back when I walked out and told him to cease contact going forward. But a week on he texts me saying he’s looking into renting an apartment in my complex. Yikes. And this is yet another reason for why I rarely let men know where I live. Don’t like being harassed in my own abode. All I need is his drunken asshole antics waiting for me in the parking lot at 2am when I’m trying to make my way back home. Told him I was uncomfortable having him live here. Not like we live in a small town — there are plenty of other rentals in the area. And he responded with denigration and spite throughout the evening, playing on my phone, trying to get a rise out of me. Told him to go away and leave me be. Kept texting mean-spirited shit to where I finally did give him a piece of my mind. First time for me to really tell him off thus far. Was working on keeping my temper in check, but no, he couldn’t let a sleeping dog lie. So, anyway, I’ll do what I have to do to protect the sanctity of my home life. If he wants a battle, he can have one. I’m not one to back down easily. His last girlfriend reportedly has no self-esteem; well, I’m not her and I don’t take this type of crap. He may be used to being a bully but it won’t fly with me. I didn’t do anything to deserve his ill will and am surprised he feels so justified in flipping me all this shit. Like I am just supposed to take it. Why? Because he needs someone to look down on and take it out on. Not my problem. He can kick rocks. And that’s where it all left off. Hopefully he has just enough sense to recognize that I won’t play with his sorry ass and that he’s cruising for greater issues if he keeps trying to engage with me at this point.

Unfortunate that it had to come to that. Was no reason for it. Should’ve gotten along just fine. But he’s a shitty drunk with a chip on his shoulder. It surprised me to find it out, but it is what it is apparently. Gave him a couple chances and wound up regretting it both times. So, I’m done. No benefit in putting up with that from a relative stranger. The man has nothing to bring to the table, yet he seems to think the world owes him everything. I won’t pretend to understand. Not even interested in analyzing it any further. Just stating this here so as to vent it out. That being my first real attempt to get back into the dating scene. uh_oh

So, anyway, that aside…beyond dealing with that tool, life’s not so bad. Not much else to complain about these days. Been listening to good music and hanging out with my peeps, meeting new folks and chillin’ into the late-night hours. Working during the day, escaping during the night. Not interested in getting tangled up in any new seriously committed relationship anytime soon. My former companion and I still have our bs moments, but overall we’ve been getting along better throughout this summer. Trying to take life easy right about now, going with the flow so much as I’m able. Steering clear of the partisan political bullshit since that’s a monumental waste of time. Staying out of gender-related battles as well since I’m sufficiently sick of the he said/she said drama. Humans are all capable of being assholes so far as I can see, myself included.

What else? Gearing up for a busier work weekend. Planning to share pizza with my former this evening. Watching the wheels go ’round and ’round. Ain’t about much these days, and that’s fine. People like to guilt you for not taking on their pet project or standing up for this or that cause, but ah well. Since when did they care about what I care about? Everybody seems to think we need to change the world, whereas I’m doing my best now to try to flow with it, to stop resisting so much and to learn to adapt so far as I’m willing and able. Sure, there’s a ton of bullshit to contend with in today’s world, which likely has always been the case. But what people reasonably expect us all to do is beyond me. Seems mostly folks just want to flap their gums over this or that matter, pretending to be doing something rather than living a life of action. Berating people to vote for this or that candidate, as if that’s going to change the system one iota by this point. Best way to change the world is to change thyself. Rather than worrying with what everybody else is doing. It’s too easy to stand in judgment of everybody else — no real challenge in doing that. Just a cheap way to appear like you’re passionate and driven without putting any real skin in the game. I tire of that.

That’s my update for today. Time for work.

Now officially middle-aged

Yay me. Recently had a birthday that marks the midway point in life: age 35. That’s assuming I live to the ripe old age of 70.

Had a pretty good b-day week. My former companion took me out to dinner one night and then grilled out over the weekend, my best guyfriend took me out another night, and a bar-pal cooked us dinner in his home one evening. The friend who was supposed to come to town wound up canceling last minute. Not sure what to think of that and so am letting it go. We haven’t spoken since. Have the feeling it probably had to do with that other gal he was interested in, though that’s not what he claimed. Either way, such is life. The weekend went fine regardless. Had a chance to hang out with another buddy I hadn’t seen in a minute, and that went well. Chilled in his garage/workshop ’til sunrise, chatting and catching up. And my mother sent an odd present which indeed will come in handy.

What else? Not a whole lot to share on here. Been trying to keep my drama minimal though it does flare up occasionally. Hurt my shoulder nearly a couple weeks back and am still recuperating. Was a stupid night out, as is the cause of most injuries I endure. But whatever. That happened and is now past. Very little rest for the wicked…

Been getting along with most folks though, including my former companion — very grateful for that. Gone two months without a fight. Shocks us both. More space and time apart works wonders.

My gym closed down, so I’m about to be hunting a new one. Will still be weight-training with my regular trainer a couple times a week, just in a different location. Kind of a bummer there, but c’est la vie. Rent was too damn high for him to keep the place open.

Beyond that just tending to the usual. Working, staying out late and enjoying the nightlife, listening to audiobooks and reading during the day, catching a movie every once in a blue moon. The latest one my guyfriend took me to see was “Hell or High Water.” Liked it. Been listening to the soundtrack since, which I will share on here momentarily.

A few favorites of mine follow.

“Blood, Sweat and Murder” by Scott H. Biram:

Townes Van Zandt’s “Dollar Bill Blues”:

“Sleeping on the Blacktop” by Colter Wall:

Late-night journaling in August

Life is crazy, life is mad…to quote a favorite song by Enigma.

Yup. Sure is. But interesting as hell nevertheless.

Am grateful for the opportunity to lounge alone in this couple’s backyard above-ground pool today and yesterday and one other day prior to that. Was out there 3 hours today, just baking away on a float. Was a good time. All by myself, aside from whatever neighbors might can see into their yard. Sun-burnt my ass.  cheeky_smiley  And face. Got some color, which is what I need. And sunshine. Watched the clouds drift by, took notice of a hawk in the tree, pondered stuff, felt thankful ultimately. Hadn’t really laid out all summer thus far. I love pools.

I’m just sitting here watching the wheels go ’round and ’round…

Started a part-time job about a month ago which keeps me a little busier, as I need to be kept. Involves more driving around. But ah well. Nice to stay occupied right about now. Brings in a little money, what isn’t eaten up by gas expenses (which will be accounted for on my taxes next year along with mileage). A rather simple independent contractor gig. Getting to know my phone’s GPS navigation via Google Maps. Much as traffic routinely bugs me, I do like to drive. And work primarily alone. This project fulfills those inclinations at least.

Been sticking with going to the gym. Maybe 10 lbs. from my initial goal weight at present. Still digging all that.

Other shit’s been happening too. That all is whatever it is. Not for public consumption. Just on the mind currently…

Been feeling a bit better in recent weeks. Gave a little “dating” a whirl, if we could call it that fully. Met a nice older guy, just not my type beyond developing a friendship. Not really interested in seriously dating anyone right now. Nor interested much in “playing the field” either by this point. But I have other ideas forming. Other options in mind. Not so certain strict monogamy is realistic for me long-term. Thinking it isn’t. Probably better off with a small harem. C’est la vie. Shakes out for us however it does. This is how I personally am geared, right or wrong. So sweethearts with “traditional” points of reference probably need to be treated with more care and discernment. But people unfold their personalities, and we quite obviously can’t reasonably be expected to fully and accurately assess compatibility at first glance or even during the first few dates. We all unfold to one another over time. No matter how upfront we aim to be, aspects of our personalities can’t help but remain obscured for however long. Just gotta roll with it. No reason in this case for anyone to be upset. Just not looking for the same things or in compatible circumstances or meshing well enough for romantic attachment to take root. Reasonably nice guy though. Plan on remaining in touch. Felt bad about it though since he seemed really smitten, and I got to dash his hopes. Wasn’t aiming to be mean, just have ambitions in a wholly other direction. Toward myself mostly since I need to get back in the groove of spending time alone working on projects. Writing particularly feels good for my soul. Been neglecting that.

All about the late-night distractions though. Especially going out socializing.

What else? I feel all right today. Been doing some soul-searching. Still slowly making my way through the print book Ego and Archetype by Edward Edinger. Today began also listening to the audiobook The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris and Steven Hayes. Interesting book thus far. Recently finished up listening to Richard Feynman’s What Do You Care What Other People Think?  Particularly loved his last essay in there about science and the moral roles scientists are expected by the public to play. Beyond that I’ve been listening to a ton of music. And occasionally watching comedians. Sometimes it’s necessary to bring things down to simple and even a bit stupid.

Wasn’t a bad day nor been a bad week. A bit odd in ways, but each day is unique unto itself. And so be it. Living and learning, like always…

A time to average down

Well, as I’ve mentioned on here in the past I have a little Roth IRA that is treated like a project as I learn more about the stock market and investing. Only own shares in a couple of stocks, one being Hudbay Minerals Inc. (HBM), the other Potash (POT). Working with not much money over here so that’s where I started.

And for the last several weeks both have declined significantly, reducing my tiny portfolio to half its original value. Averaged down in the past and did so again today as both companies hit new lows. Hudbay most especially took a dive and was selling for around $2.61/share earlier today, approximately $6 less per share than when I originally bought in a year or more ago. But no major worries — while I’m not confident it will recover, I’m willing to wait and see. Not one to sell off because the market gets crazy for a minute, though I have been reading about how the entire mining sector is facing troubles. There are worries over China not importing as many metals as before and the price of commodities have been plummeting. But, what can ya do? Such is the nature of the stock market. Goes up, goes down. When it’s down is when you buy in and try to average down in preparation for the eventual upswing, assuming the company weathers the storm.

But I’m assuming it probably will. Hudbay is teamed up with other mining operations that appear to be holding their own. Lost its CEO in December and is having trouble getting the permit needed to begin mining in Arizona, so that’s got some folks panicked. Understandable, I guess. Either way, I knew when I began this project that it would be all about the long haul.

Potash I’m less concerned about. It will bounce back, and I averaged down on it today as well, the share price down to approximately $16 from about $27-28 when I originally bought in. It’s a necessary component to fertilizers, so it remains needed. Some predict that someday that company will become blue-chip. Either way, we wait and observe and hold.

My buddy brought up short-selling to me earlier today and sent over an article about how biotech companies are getting hosed by hedge funds making illegal moves. Hmm. I don’t know much about all of that, but perhaps someday I can get a better idea about it and how it’s allowed to continue without the FTC doing much to stop it. So much of this remains Greek to me. Steep learning curve. Not sure how much I even care to know, particularly when it comes to all the finance jargon.

Anyway, this is one hobby to help keep me occupied from time to time, though I tend to prefer the “set it and forget it” approach most months, checking in only occasionally since there’s no real point in watching paint dry. It is what it is, I suppose. Win some and lose some is how it will go. Not too keen on the market being turned into a casino, but others seem to like it this way and few are willing to demand better regulation and oversight, probably due to wrongly assuming that’s somehow anti-capitalist or whatever (or not trusting our corporate-lobbyist-betrothed government and its officials to carry out the job, which I get). So I just try to watch and learn and observe and see what becomes of it all.


Update the next day: Perhaps we would have been better off never investing in Hudbay, and maybe there will come a time to sell off the shares if the price ebbs back up in coming weeks. I had my reservations about dealing with a mining company from the get-go, yet here we are, rolling the dice right along with so many others. Might wind up being a lesson on how a fool and her money end up parted. Time will tell.

With holidays comes money

I work on all major holidays. Always do. Comes with my line of employment since I cater to people so that they may go away on vacations. So this week is pretty busy and tomorrow promises to be a bit busier. Not that I’m complaining. At least not when it comes to the 4th of July (aside from dodging the dang parade that shuts down various streets in my neighborhood for half a day), though Christmas and Thanksgiving gets a bit more chaotic, partly due to the weather conditions and a sharp increase in demand.

More business equals more pay, and I’ve been needing to replenish my savings lately. Works out all the way around.

This entire month is looking fairly busy, so that’s nice. New business has been coming my way too, and I’ve began accepting new clients once again after taking a few months break to stick with those I’m already familiar with. No need to advertise much these days since most business comes by way of word of mouth. Which I’m grateful for. One of the perks of being at it this long and having built a solid reputation for being reliable.

Not going to state here what I do for a living, though undoubtedly its been mentioned elsewhere on the blog and I’m certain I’ve mentioned it in past youtube videos. Note: it’s a legal enterprise, for anyone who’s curious. ha

What else? Worked out by myself today, including weight-lifting. Much as I used to loathe sweating I’m now growing accustomed to it to the point where I don’t feel productive unless I leave the gym reasonably well-soaked. Shows me I’m actually getting somewhere and not wasting my time. The endorphins are a godsend as well. I do believe exercise is helping a great deal in getting my mind right after all the stress of the last year or two.

Life’s pretty uneventful currently. Just trying to take it easy and avoid unnecessary drama and bullshit. My best guyfriend stopped by today to take my bike to get its tires aired up and helped fix something in my shower. Nice dude. Very helpful man. He intends to grill out at some point this weekend and will invite a couple of us over, and one of these days he and his friend want to visit an antique car show and have asked me to come along. Something to get me out of this apartment, so I’m game.

Played pool with a man a couple nights ago who seemed to enjoy my company. Might see him around in the future. Last night I chatted with a Texan up here visiting family and we discussed the people of this state and their quirks and what industries rule around these parts. Nice to talk with someone not born and raised here for a change of pace. Though I’m just mingling, only open to friendship and acquaintances and nothing more at this juncture.

Not been doing much on youtube lately. I see a few of the so-called “MGTOWs” have come back around with their insults, aiming to bait me into arguments with them on my channel, per their norm. Interacted a little and then walked away. No point dealing much with that crowd. It’s the same old scene since I first laid eyes on it 3 years back. Never changes, never improves, never ceases to be a hatefest. Weird online movement. I’d rather see men actually find something productive to do with themselves other than sitting around bitching endlessly about women, but that’s their prerogative and they’re bullheaded about staying that course. *shrugs* Very odd bunch. But ah well. They’ll do what they wish, and I’ll keep moving along as I’ve been doing. No good comes from feuding with the vast majority of them.

Otherwise did a little cleaning around here today between appointments. Needing to clear out my livingroom so that I can exercise at home as well. But it’s a small, narrow space that’s tricky to get in order when I’ve acquired so much stuff over time. Cleared some out today, so that’s something. About to take a shower and relax for a while before heading back out to my night appointment and then on to whatever else.

July 1st journaling

This past week I’ve become engrossed in the show “House of Cards” (available on Netflix). In the middle of the second season now.

Boiled a big batch of peanuts last night and froze half of it for future snacking. Southern delicacy right there. Midwesterners can’t appreciate them, but so what? Bunch of transplanted Krauts up this way. I don’t care for some of their cuisine either.

What else? Haven’t actually managed to stick strictly with my drying out plan. But I did significantly cut down after 4 days of abstaining. Been staying away from my new preferred bar, just allowing the two weeks to pass before returning so that I can get my head clearer before then. [Update: Nixed the notion of staying away from my new preferred bar after week 1. No use visiting other watering holes when I’m happiest hanging out there.] Drinking is part of my lifestyle, so the main goal is to treat it more moderately, not to give it up entirely. Not terribly proud of myself in terms of my will power shown this past week, but there’s time enough to keep trying. And the semi-break has done me good overall. Aside from luring me into eating a bit more than I ought to, which I’m now having to exercise off. Trade one bad habit for another — isn’t that how it usually goes? But, once again, the ultimate goal is moderation, not transforming into a teetotaler. Sippin’ only tap water, seltzer water and tea at home. Still, staying cooped up in this apartment all evening unnerves me, hence why I do like to go out for at least an hour or so most nights. Ah well. We’ll see what this week brings…

Been sticking with my exercise regimen diligently though, and am aiming to ramp it up some more so as to drop more weight more quickly. Gotten to where exercise feels less daunting, like less of a chore and more enjoyable. Headed to the gym twice today and might keep that up over the next week while my trainer is on vacation.

Finished up a couple of books last week, one being War of Worldviews by Leonard Mlodinow and Deepak Chopra, the other being the last few pages of Dr. Peter Breggin’s Toxic Psychiatry that I’d put on hold. Appreciated them both. Began reading What Is Life? by Lynn Margulis and Dorion Sagan (Carl Sagan’s wife and child) and am enjoying it very much due to the writing style. Been taking myself out to restaurants more frequently lately, providing an opportunity to read and relax. Perhaps I should look into coffee houses instead.

Not much else to report. Listening to tunes, like usual. Listening to lectures and playing games online in the evenings when not watching my show or finding something else to get into. I am a bit bored, admittedly. Not too sure what to do with myself currently. But I’m taking the approach of one day at a time. Also trying to reignite my mojo…slowly but surely.