It ALL simply is what it is…

It’s not uncommon for us to take issue with those who tend to make us feel guilty, whether by their deliberate or unintentional words, actions, or general personalities. We are masters of projection — proven time and time and time again. There’s a woman who springs to mind regularly and can’t help but conjure up hate in my heart (actually a couple women if I reflect back). Even though now they’re both gone, out of the picture, one for several years who originally dated back to my early youth through the step-family).

Some days I feel like I contain so many stories — my own and others’ — enough to where I just might burst. Too much to carry alone.

My heart and soul have been in a strange place for quite a spell now. No question. But I do see glimpses of the light more and more. I am still struggling to piece together what I am able to at this juncture. Maybe eventually I will figure out how to make better (public) sense of what life has been teaching me.

What is love? And how much is it worth to each of us individually? Just a passing (perennial) thought…

Another night wears on and my conscience aches enough to be noticeable. I won’t make excuses. Explanations, though, I attempt at, because I’m trying to learn myself. ALL is a learning process, and we didn’t all start out with equal sets of instructions or guidance. That’s a given.

Time for some tunes. Creating a new post now.

Hopefully over for the last time

He’s mad at me for everything. Blames me for damn-near everything, even that which is on him. And I’ve grown so goddamn tired of it all. Six years have gone by now, 5 years of which have been majorly problematic. Nowadays we have a good week or two, and then the gavel of judgment drops again. Always on time, though never easily predicted when exactly it will fall. And shit just stirs up again and again and again and again…

Want to call me a “shithead” for past discretions dating back 5 years ago. Okay. Yes, I am a shithead. Apparently. Worst of the worst. But if he feels so strongly against me, why did he ever contact me on Valentine’s Day unexpectedly and invite me over for pizza with a bouquet of roses and a box of fine chocolates waiting? (First time in nearly 3 years to buy me flowers.) Why keep putting me through these paces? Back at Christmas he gifted me far more than I expected then too. Why? If you are so angry at me and feel so much contempt and claim to want me gone when you’re angry and been drinking — why even do all that? Why keep doing this again and again?

Says because he does care. Says he loves me and always will. And yet…  Here we remain in this stupid, senseless limbo.

A bar-pal told me something tonight. Connected a piece in the puzzle. My former companion fairly recently had lied outright. Claimed something entirely else despite calling on me for help. For no good reason since the truth wouldn’t have pissed me off. But lied anyway. How he thought others wouldn’t inform me remains a mystery. But if I confront him with a lie, he will turn it back, as he always does, to what I have done wrong in the past. This remains the perpetual cycle. Never changes. Wish it would but it doesn’t. And on and on it goes…

Earlier tonight we told one another goodbye for the umpteenth time. Must make it stick this time. Tired of so much bullshit. He doesn’t trust me (for good reason) and I don’t trust him anymore either (for equally good reason). So many tears have been shed during our fiasco. Several years running now…

Lord, I am so tired. Been tired for a long time now. Please provide me enough grace to move on with my life. We are so rude and harsh toward one another at times. It is too cruel to keep accepting. If he invites me back once again, may I possess the strength to resist and decline. Because I will only be blamed for whatever outcome comes of it over time. He knows it and I know it. This is the modus operandi at this point. Has been for several years. Can’t keep doing this to ourselves any longer. Makes me hate myself. Causes me to second-guess every instinct I have, nearly all of which are trying to pull me in a different direction by now. Except for that lone gremlin who relates to him in terms of my childhood and upbringing (and presumably his as well), that tries to recreate a scenario that will never work, that will not listen to reason and just keeps plowing on as if it knows what is best. It does not. It is misguided. It is in pain and fractured and does not apparently comprehend the current state of living. It wishes to fix some age-old dilemma that cannot be repaired, close as he seems integrated into to that. I broke my trust with him years back. So there is nowhere to go from here but away.

Too many have listened to me lament on all of this over these years. Some of my closest friends have told me I am no longer my true self. That I have lost myself in this irreparable conundrum. They are correct. I have not been willing to listen to reasoning, or at least not willing to act on it properly. Been a long time coming.

He is not the devil. Nor am I. We are just not able to make any of this work. I wish him well though do not desire to stand by him as he seeks out his next love interest. Can’t and no longer will. Blames me for holding him back due to guilt  despite inviting me to be around regularly. Is maddening. He wants to be free yet doesn’t wish to be alone apparently. I can relate to that feeling. However, no, the line must be drawn somewhere. Should’ve been drawn long ago between us, as he and I both recognize. We’re torturing ourselves and one another to continue this sordid mess of a “relationship,” however it is to be defined. Not going well and hasn’t been for so long now.

He apparently lacks the strength in this area and willpower to make this cut definitive, despite his talk on the subject, so I must. We cannot go back to this bullshit. It must be laid to rest now. We will never be friends in the aftermath if we keep this up any longer. All we be destroyed. Too much resentment, too much water under the bridge.

I accept this and will do my part to keep us apart going forward. He claims he will as well. But I must. This is too much to keep bearing. No good for either one of us anymore. So peace be with us as we move on in our separate directions from here on out.

Journaling on a Friday evening in early February 2017

Been sick frequently this winter. Colds. Been battling this last one for over a week now. Makes me tired, has kept me indoors this whole week when not working. No desire for in-person company. Been skipping the gym lately too. Downtime. Sleeping more.

Mostly watching the wheels go ’round and ’round online during my waking hours. Observing the political fallout. Catching up on some of the news stories.

Currently listening to the audiobook The Undoing Project: A Friendship That Changed Our Minds by Michael Lewis. Enjoying it. Prior to that listened to Thomas Sowell’s Intellectuals and Race and loved it. Will be re-listening to that one again! Mostly sticking with audiobooks these days, partly because lighting in my apartment sucks. Need to remedy that.

Been cooking at home more than usual, so that’s good. Tried my hand at making lasagna for the first time in a years a couple weeks back. Turned out okay. Nothing to write home about though. Otherwise fixing other simpler pasta dishes. Screw Atkins for now. It can wait. Continue reading

Journaling on Sunday night in late January 2017

I’m all over the board lately. One hour looking into black criminality, the next sitting with cases of Muslim rapists attacking American and European women, the next listening to politicians here and abroad debate on topics of national interests, the next trying to make more sense out of what the fuck the American Left is up to. And on and on and on it goes. For weeks and months on end. Never stops. And I never stop in my attempt to witness what all is going on out here in the world.

Years can go by… They have before and it looks like they will again. My friends like to say I’m like a dog with a bone, I just won’t let go. Don’t know how to. Violent criminality fucks with my sensibilities. Can’t tolerate it or ignore its occurrence. And I understand that the media plays up on that psychological drive within so many of us to pay close attention to news of danger and mayhem. Hence why I don’t subscribe to cable television in my home and haven’t in years. If I’m going down into the abyss it will be according to my choosing and in relation to topics that particularly distress me.

As one American woman out here I must say that I pray this shit doesn’t go off the hook too far beyond what it has already. Some of you are strong, solid men who don’t fear other men, and good for you. I don’t personally comprehend that feeling as a 5’2″ female who lives alone and goes about my life at odd hours, dwelling in an apartment complex increasingly populated with African and Hispanic immigrants who barely speak English. All have been friendly and decent toward me thus far. Only ever had problems here with one black man who used to live across the hall who once tried to barge into my apartment while evidently high on something. Got the door pushed closed and locked it and called my landlord, leading to that man being evicted shortly thereafter. But that man had caused other problems in the building beyond that. Still have to deal with hooligans leaving used condoms in the hallway and parking lot occasionally, but at least they ceased hanging women’s panties on people’s Dish Network satellites. We’re kinda like a tiny ghetto-ish enclave within a reasonably nice residential area. People sometimes tell me to move but I like cheap rent. Always have and always will. Plus, my landlord has been fair and decent with me and only gone up on the rent $50/mo. over the last 8 years.

But I do keep various sorts of items to use as weapons around the place, plus in my car. You learn to be vigilant and to pay attention to your surroundings when you live as I do. You learn about body language and what it signals and how to not come across as an easy mark. But this place truly isn’t so bad, at least not yet. Better than it used to be, so I give my landlord credit for ridding the worst elements from this place. But we do cater to Section 8 and apparently are welcoming to immigrants. But, again, thus far most of our immigrants from various nations have conducted themselves all right. Had a few break-ins in the apartment beneath mine and actually caught one Hispanic guy kicking their window in one time — told the police that when they arrived later, but what could I say? Dark evening hours, brown guy, nothing really distinguishing about him. Hollered at him out my window, but he didn’t care. Usually I just come home to seeing one of their windows boarded up yet again. People love kicking in the windows of that particular apartment for some reason. Hence why it has an especially high turnover rate for renters, though many units in this complex do. Only a small handful of us choose to stick around here for more than a year.

When it comes to my job though, I’m all over the place, traveling from residence to residence throughout the day. Many of them live in upscale areas, but still. I don’t trust suburban kids either. Learned about them already in the past, having lived in a suburb for a little while as a young teen. I don’t trust ’em either. In fact, I’m almost more nervous of them than others precisely because they can be so spoiled and lack empathy and think everything’s about their own entertainment. So I watch myself wherever I go, aiming not to lapse into a false sense of security just because I’m visiting wealthier parts of the metro.

Mostly I worry about my friends. My guyfriends especially. One is so helpful toward strangers that I worry about him getting taken advantage of or robbed, though he likes to dismiss my concerns. (His house was actually robbed several years back.)  He’s strong, but it’s a matter of whether he sees it coming at the time. Another close guyfriend has a good many health issues and can’t take a punch in the face as a result. Would fuck up his world to do him like that. And he’d probably be even more of a target due to being kinda shy and sweet and appearing to have nice things and basically assuming the good in people. I’ve grown paranoid about their safety in recent years. Truly have. Not sure why. Probably because I submerge myself in crime-related information on a nearly daily basis and, in one shape or form, have done so forever. Mostly because I worry about this area changing someday, though it’s still pretty safe as of right now. Still, I worry.

A local development website I looked into recently predicted a 5.1% increase in population in this metro by 2020. I’m wondering where they’re going to come from. Hopefully not Chicago. Please, dear lord, don’t let rough elements move here from Chicago! We don’t need that. Too many people around here are soft, unexpecting, trusting — at least from what I can tell. The ones out in the gated community might not have much reason to worry, but it’s a bit unnerving how so many of the rest are kinda oblivious to crime, as though it won’t happen to them, lulled into a sense of security thanks to this area being so crime-free (or at least not crimes typically horribly violent in nature).

Then a couple cops were killed here locally a few months back. By a middle-aged white man who was known to be a hot-head. Ambushed them in their cars. In my neighborhood. One right down the street from me. One of the police officers was relatively new to the force; the other had been serving a while and has a family and kids and was very well-liked, so people say. Very sad situation. The man who murdered them reportedly got mad at a high school sports game when his rebel flag was snatched by fellow attendees. Doesn’t make sense, I know. Nobody comprehends this. But he had a youtube video up about it where right afterward he was talking to police and fussing about his property being stolen. Then about a week or so later, he killed two cops unrelated to his former incident. There was some mention of him being pissed off at Black Lives Matter, but that may just be a rumor. His crime didn’t make any sense even if that was the motive. He killed two white male cops he didn’t even know. In two separate jurisdictions. Lived with his mother and had a teenage daughter. Only videos he had up on youtube were of her recitals and playing with his pup before that altercation video where he was arguing with the cops (and the cops were being very reasonable with him in response, not antagonistic. Our cops around here are usually pretty nice and helpful.)

He killed them for whatever reason. And he had just written in a week prior a letter to the local police department commending them for being heroes who serve our community. None of it made any sense in the end. He’s alive and in jail currently, but we still don’t comprehend why this all happened. Doubt the dude even knows. I wonder if he’s on any drugs, prescribed or otherwise. We have no choice but to accept that this occurred, wrong as it was. I’d love to learn more about the criminal if information becomes available, but he basically appears to be not too bright and highly emotionally reactive. Hence probably why he never proved successful in anything, according to those who knew him.

Ever since, though, this town has bathed itself in blue ribbons. Little by little, they keep creeping up, strung around tree trunks and light poles, tied to antennas and shrubbery. Blue lights on the occasional front porch. Blue tape strips across back car windshields. More and more of it is materializing, which is what’s really interesting to me. Initially when the cops died there were memorials placed on the street corners where they were each ambushed. Lots of balloons and signs showing support and leaving spiritual sentiments — I’d see one of those displays everyday on the way to work. Then, little by little, the ribbons and tape and lights began emerging across the whole city. Slowly. Plus the occasional yard sign expressing support for the local PD. By now I notice the blue all the time as I’m out walking and driving each day. And honestly, I’m grateful for it. It’s actually a comfort to see that much outpouring of support not only to the officers whose lives were taken but also to our police departments in general. Even folks who aren’t cop-lovers around here at least seem to show them respect and reasonable deference most of the time. And it works. Our cops here are the best I’ve ever known in terms of temperament and helpfulness, from what I’ve gathered about them over the last 11 years.

We’re lucky. And I guess that’s what reading these horrible crime stories from all around the country, and having lived in Mississippi half my early life, has me nervous about. How we might not remain lucky for much longer. How we’re surrounded on all sides by other states’ major metros with a lot bigger crime problems than us. And we don’t want any of that. We’re reasonably good, let us remain good. And yet I understand that sadly life doesn’t like to roll like that. Shit rolls downhill. People here are maybe too nice for their own good. Too polite and trusting. I’ve witnessed it in my own ways and have remained perpetually surprised by it. Like, I lock my own doors no matter what. All the time. Obsessively. Car doors, home door — locked. And I believe in owning a gun that is always loaded and ready to go. Do they? Because I already know too many of them leave doors and windows unlocked, and I aim to rectify it when I see it. We’re getting too lax. Life’s too comfortable around here. We’re getting complacent. Hell, I am and I’m not even a native!

They probably consider me a little paranoid. I’d argue it’s for good reason. But whatever. In 3 years time we might experience an influx of what? Approximately 16,000 newcomers, at minimum? Transplants like myself who may or may not choose to assimilate. And I get it, assimilation isn’t easy. Hell, I still feel like an outsider in this town. But ah well. They’re pretty good about leaving you alone, so I deal with it. But I didn’t come here with a family and a community and a totally different culture from another nation. Wound up coming here alone as a cantankerous “vagabond” seeking greater economic opportunity, and I am content with what I’ve found for the most part, despite some of the locals ticking me off (a topic for another time). Finally starting to feel like this is my adopted home, like it’s worth standing up for and protecting. Can’t complain too much since it’s largely been good to me. Beats the hell out of conditions in that small-ass town in Mississippi where I originally sprang from.

Don’t want to see these people become sitting ducks who don’t see shit coming. And I’ve got a feeling that serious problems are on the horizon. Don’t believe any place will ultimately prove immune to facing it. Coming from various directions. Not too cool with shipping a bunch of Syrians here or to other U.S. cities. Already mentioned that it’d be best if aggressive Chicagoans stay where they are. Don’t want none. Just pondering what the future may hold in store…  Who really knows?

As a Southerner, there is a part of me that feels a bit queer about bonding with and sticking up for a Midwestern city, but perhaps that’s just evidence that I’m finally maturing.  Ha!

Seriously though, I’ve witnessed New Orleans crime and been involved in a car accident because a black woman intentionally slammed into us. She was mistaken since my friend’s mom didn’t have barely shit for insurance, but either way, she made a go for it. And I witnessed how all but one of the black people in the local businesses poured out to immediately side with her (one old man came to us — the only one out of a crowd of maybe 50 to even check on our condition), despite her getting out of her car and marching around ranting before getting back in her car and having the paramedics help her out when they arrived, complaining about her neck and back. The three of us sat there on the curb as teenagers, my friend’s mom’s car having been totaled, and just witnessed this. My boyfriend-at-the-time had the car door crash in on his hip (luckily he was not seriously injured). I didn’t have a seatbelt on (yes, bad 15-year-old me) and was just cut on my face by the glass shattering. Our driver was physically okay but shaken up. Either that black woman drives worse than the absolute worst Asian driver imaginable, or she was aiming to scam somebody. Appearances at the scene of the accident point to the latter conclusion.

Also listened to cops in my hometown in Mississippi describe having to give chase during what starts out as routine traffic stops, usually involving black men, who then take off through the treacherous woods and make you run after them. There’s barbwire all over the woods down there, just so you know. Private property and all. But it’s not uncommon, according to that lieutenant who springs to mind, that they made him chase them. Just wouldn’t take a ticket or face a warrant without a fight. He seemed to hate his job. I don’t forget that man or his stories from during the short time we interacted.

Or the asshole cops in that section of Omaha who didn’t give a damn about response time and wouldn’t respond at all for vehicle destruction by thieving thugs. Deferred people to an automated system where you could just tell them about how your windows are broken and your dash was ripped out and the hoodlums in question are known to neighbors. No follow-up ever occurred. Twenty minutes response time when non-fatal violent crime is occurring but then don’t want to take down witness statements, acting like they already assume relevant charges would be dropped by the party/ies involved (and they usually were).  Despite driving by 13 times in about an hour (we sat outside and counted them once, out of curiosity, entertaining ourselves). That was back when I was 21-23. Met a pregnant hoodrat there, which I told about elsewhere on this blog. And she wound up being one of the final straws that led me to move away. I still recall discarded needles tossed into our yard and empty beer bottles left in the back of my truck. Was a rude place to live. Made a couple friends and remain in contact with one from there, but otherwise I chalk that time up to a sociological experiment and highly recommend all other social science majors (and their intellectual ilk) to live somewhere like that for at least a full year, while also ACTIVELY and REGULARLY engaging with your neighbors. And LISTEN to them. Interact and observe. It’s an eye-opening, educational opportunity to learn more about long-time welfare recipients and EBT cards (and how those funds can be spent and used to obtain groceries for others in exchange for non-EBT-qualifying goods and services), and criminal activity and how snitching is frowned upon. It’s an opportunity to observe scrappiness/fighting capabilities even among the short and slim and to learn to gauge how drug users lie (as if they can’t even help themselves). Forces one to reckon with the notion of dignity, that much is certain.

That and my hometown are whole other worlds from where I live now. And I’d like to not see this area turned to shit like so many other big American cities. I worry that our relatively strong local economy and nods from Forbes magazine for being a great place to raise kids will also have the unfortunate effect of luring in elements looking for social welfare assistance and to take advantage—in the worst way—of what we have going on here. Makes me a bit nervous. Can’t pretend otherwise. Most of the black folks here currently are decent people, work hard and are friendly. Chat with plenty of them at my local watering hole and typically enjoy their company. Then back on Christmas I ran into a couple homeboys originally from northern Mississippi who now live up this way.  Always give my fellow Southerners a chance and take up for them a little, but these dudes I don’t know about. Can’t say that I could trust them. One spoke about Islam when I pried, and the other was sketchier in the thug sense. Not pretend thuggery like suburbanites like to try to pull, but actual thug jackassery. So I took off and called it a day. Too potentially emotionally reactive. Too likely to do something stupid and create an unnecessary situation. And it’s sad to me to feel that way about folks from my own home state. But it’s true.

And the Muslim Bosnians…  Hmmm…  Another time.

Anyway, journaled enough on here for one evening.

My patience continues to wane for so-called Leftists and “progressives”

Back in for the evening after work and have some thoughts to get off my chest here.

First off, let me note that a very close female friend of mine called again today and has been over time relating stories about her crazy female cousin. They’re both a little younger than me, which is to say in their early 30s. Won’t go into details here out of respect for my friend and her family’s privacy, but I will say that her cousin is shaping up to be the quintessential SJW (Social Justice Warrior). From talk of feeling triggered all the damn time to mentions of desiring a safe space, from manipulatively mistreating her family members and then accusing them of “bullying” when they attempt to stand up for themselves in response, to grooming her own fiance into a therapist-of-sorts to coddle and cater to her every whim AND outright bashing others publicly for their conservative views to the point where she brought an older female family member to tears — the chick has serious problems. Wouldn’t care so much if her problems didn’t impact so many others in her family, including people I care about. So I’ve been listening to more about her shenanigans in recent weeks, and the only advice I can offer my friend is to take a tough love approach at this point, for her and her family members’ own sake. Chances are the crazy cousin won’t ever see the light and might continue casting blame until her dying breath, but her allegations are false and the amount of sheer torment and pain she’s foisting upon people who love her is straight-up unacceptable. If that woman can’t get her shit together better than this then she deserves to go it alone. What she puts her parents through is particularly upsetting to learn about. All while she remains financially dependent on them. Ugh. Anyway, I’ve said enough on that. They will have to contend with that matter among their own.

That along with so much else has had me thinking lately about how little respect I’m feeling for the so-called Political Left these days. Just running out of compassion for a good many of them. Let it be known that I exclude classical liberals from this assessment in so far as they openly choose to call these weirdos out. But so many who profess to be “liberal” truly are not. Rather, they’re proving to be the most intolerant amongst us.

Who cares if somebody else voices a view you disagree with? Either argue against it or move on. What you don’t have the right to do, at least if you’re a person possessing any real integrity, is to dox them and basically invite violence upon them and their family members and loved ones simply because you disagree with their political positions. You don’t have a right to print false allegations against them in an effort to harm their credibility, lest you want your own credibility destroyed in the process. You don’t have the right to sucker-punch people who are in no way menacing you or threatening violence against you. That’s some cowardly shit adopted by low-grade jerks and ninny-babies with no scruples or backbone. And if your violent tactics wind you up shot by people attempting to defend themselves, I, for one, will not be alarmed and grief-stricken. Because you’re an idiot behaving in such a way that is destined to get you removed from the gene pool, and perhaps rightly so.

There’s only so much love to go around at this point in time. I’ve got compassion oozing out the yin-yang, but not for folks who aim to visit harm upon others without just cause. Having your feelings hurt does not qualify as just cause. For the record.

What values do any of us continue to share in common nowadays? I see so many people acting pissed off, speaking out against the System and taking things to such an extreme that it appears their goal is to undermine our entire civilization in favor of something extraordinarily different, something communistic/socialistic/collectivistic primarily. Well, that’s not what we’re supposed to be about in the U.S. Maybe European countries are open to such shenanigans, but Americans are known for our rebellious and individualistic instincts and drives. So good luck with that. Don’t think it will work out in the ways that some may envision.

Why would you want to completely undermine our civilization? What do you imagine you’ll gain from such an endeavor? Do you honestly believe the rich will remain here to be pillaged and taxed to the hilt in order to further support your income re-distribution efforts? And what will you do when they’re gone and you’re left at the mercy of  criminal elements without enough law enforcement officials to combat them effectively? I wish people would go deeply down into this rabbit hole to explore the possibilities of what they envision, because one thing life has been teaching me is that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. It’s oft repeated because it’s true. Because someone can envision a certain outcome in no way ensures that that outcome will be brought into fruition. So many complicating factors, so many unforeseen variables. Such is our social life, whether here or abroad, today or at any other point in history.

Life is complicated, life is mad. I witness so much passive-aggressiveness, so many pretensions, so much back-slapping for presumed victories, and yet so little honest and deep introspection. A political movement cannot save us from ourselves nor undo past problems nor perfect any society. Many have tried and all have failed. Because life’s stickier than that and less predictable — less capable of being made predictable than some might wish to believe. The top-down approach has severe limitations and tons of room for abuses and inversions of justice. History has taught us this again and again. Yet some people don’t want to accept that answer and wish to believe instead that it can nowadays somehow be tweaked just right to create the utopian outcome they so desire. This is a pipe dream, folks. Time will prove this once again…

Some days I grow so tired of my fellow humans. But then I aim to remember that it all simply is what it is and that no one promised us a rose garden. We must learn to roll with it in our own ways. I personally have chosen resistance on some level as my response, but that doesn’t mean I’m closed-minded to all these people and their concerns or unwilling to engage the reasonable among them in dialogue. They are still my brothers and sisters whether they can appreciate that or not. But then again, sometimes family deserves to be disowned. Time will tell how that shakes out too.

Will continue observing and pondering…

And people wonder where femininity has gone…

Cat dragged in something a little different today. Only have a limited amount of time to write about it right now before heading to work, having just gotten home finally. Am still a bit shaken up and upset. My friends have warned me for years that it may be a matter of time before I run into my own “Mr. Goodbar.” Much as I can’t stand the thought of that, I do appreciate their concern and understand how my lifestyle worries them at times. I’m not afraid to engage with strangers or to head after-hours with people I don’t know to continue conversations. Always been that way and mostly haven’t regretted it. But sometimes I do.

Last night I headed back to the place of a stockbroker and apartment complex owner, letting him know in advance it was only for conversation, guaranteeing nothing more, per my usual disclaimer. Rode with him to a town right outside of the city I live in. Had a nice place, seemed to have his shit together, figured it would be a fine evening. And I was wrong. Shortly after arriving he hit on the pro-life/pro-choice debate and asked my position. I am staunchly pro-choice, as most know, and so I related that. He turned out to be staunchly pro-life. Okay, well, I’ve dealt with plenty of pro-life folks over time and usually we can find some common ground. Not this time. The dude turned into a complete jerk, saying he normally kicks girls out who admit to my stance. Well, I attempted to pull up Uber on my phone so as to get a ride out of there since he became so belligerent, but luck would have it that no Uber driver was available then, which I showed him. Even downloaded the Lyft app and attempted to leave that way, but he’s far enough out I guess to where no one was available on a Sunday night to provide rides from there. I don’t know. Figuring such shit out after an evening of drinking is a bit tricky. Should’ve just called a cab and agreed to pay $40 or more for a lift back into town.

The evening got a bit hazy. I recall drinking a bit of his wine that was already uncorked [stupid, yes, absolutely]. And I recall trying to Uber out of there. And I also recall him saying that he’s booted numerous females in the past for admitting our pro-choice stance at just such an hour and in a similar condition. Next thing I know I’m waking up this morning, having wrapped myself in a blanket and kept away from him. He was butt-naked in nothing but his socks. I never touched the man. Not a kiss. Nothing. Stayed to myself, awaiting a ride back to my car in the morning after his tirade last night left me feeling thoroughly uncomfortable.

This morning I awoke and poured a glass of water, smoked a cigarette on the balcony, and then woke him requesting a ride back into town, as he had promised the night before. But no, he decided to be a total dick. Began calling me a “baby-killer,” a “murderer,” and told me to  get out. Well, I’m sober now and it’s daylight, so no, fuck that, I refused to go easily. I did yell at him. Yes I did. Last night he was so concerned with me keeping quiet, and I acquiesced, but today I had no desire to accommodate him any further. So yeah, I went a bit wild cat on his ass. Told him off in response, loudly, fully understanding his elderly tenants might hear me. Because fuck him. He threw out numerous girls in the past in the middle of the night for simply stating they were pro-choice??  Want to start the day off by calling me a “baby-killer”?  Seriously??  Sorry, folks, but I had had enough of his bullshit. So I went there. Told him I needed him to dress and take me to my car, yet he insisted on remaining rebellious and refusing to do so. He threatened to call the police and I asked him please to go ahead and do so, figuring they wouldn’t charge either one of us for anything but at least a domestic disturbance would be registered for his address. Because fuck him. Every other girl simply accepted being booted in the middle of the night without challenge?? No. Somebody ought to shut his shit down. That was my thinking this morning. If he wants to treat women this way, well, he’s opened himself up to running into a bitch like me along the way. He said he would’ve never brought me home had he known I was so difficult — yeah, well, likewise. I would never have agreed to accompany an asshole stockbroker back to his place had I known beforehand I’d be accused of murder all evening, even without him knowing a damn thing about me or whether I’d ever undergone an abortion, only based on my political stance in that sense.

He threatened me some, but I maintained my physical distance and repeated my demand to be driven back to town to my car. Even went so far as to beg him to do so. He proved smarmy, conceited, and sadistic in his mannerism and comments. A real asshole. Probably the biggest asshole I’ve dealt with since 2008, and that’s saying a lot since I regularly run the barscene and have met my share of jokers over time. He wanted me out, fine, so tell me the address to where I’m at. He refused. I called my close friend and while I had him on the phone this son of a bitch still refused to share his address so I could be picked up. So I grabbed a magazine with his address on it and read it to my friend instead, which this Marc motherfucker tried to take from me. You want me out yet you don’t want anyone to know where to come retrieve me from??  It didn’t make sense. A sadist, like I said. Seemed to enjoy making me squirm, hence why I was such a bitch toward him in kind.

But I maintained my physical distance. The joker said a few times “don’t touch me,” but I was across the room each time he said it. I assume this was for the benefit of any neighbor who might hear us. I didn’t touch the man. Knew better than to do so. My legal mind kicks in in situations like this, thank god, reminding me to watch what I say and to not touch anything or anyone in any way that might be misconstrued as abuse or damaging. Good on me for that, since that indeed appeared to be what he was baiting me to do. Fuck him. Weird ass coward. Extremely strange motherfucker, and no, it matters not how much money he may have. Still a weirdo looking for some kicks that I can’t comprehend entirely.

Anyway, I read off the address to my friend a couple of times and told him I’d be outside waiting for him. Headed out and sat by the road for a while, then this SOB drives by and asks if I want a ride. No, mister, at this point I do not. I obviously had to call for a ride after arguing with your ass for an hour. Fuck you. He drove off, then circled back and taunted me some more while I sat by the road. Then he drove back by a third time offering a ride. All this after a solid hour of refusing to give me a ride, threatening to call the cops, calling me a “murderer” and “baby-killer,” AND telling me to suck his dick if I wanted a ride home. Oh, did I leave that part out before?? My bad. Stupid son of a bitch. Fuck no, I want nothing from your weird ass at this point, mister. Waiting in broad daylight now in 20 degree temperatures for my friend to drive all this way to come get me thanks to your sorry ass.

We live in the Midwest where it’s currently extremely cold, mind you. So this motherfucker was kicking girls out at night when the windchill brought temperatures down below zero. That’s who this sadistic pro-lifer is. Can you understand why I stood up to him and gave him a hard time right back? Are you starting to see why somebody like that might deserve to have some grief flipped right back at him??

Look, I was crying this morning while asking this son of a bitch for a ride to my vehicle. I couldn’t contain my vulnerability had I wanted to. But like I told him point-blank: mister, I am not looking for a fight but I damn sure will give you one if that’s where this is headed. Because somebody has to stand up to pieces of shit like him, and I got all the time in the world to do so. He didn’t seem to expect me to flip him grief right back, which tells me most of the girls he’s treated this way in the past probably sulked and slinked off without giving him any hell. Okay. Maybe they were young. Or maybe they were scared. I understand that. And then he met me, and I can’t quietly stomach assholes like him. Just not in my nature. Right or wrong, I can’t do it. Like I already said, maintained my distance and was careful about legal considerations since I know how some folks roll and how they try to bait you to lose your cool enough to where they can then trap you in some sort of offense. Not happening here. I know how to play this stupid game. Isn’t my first rodeo, mister. Told him he had me fucked up if he thought I’d react like some 22-year-old who hasn’t come across these sort of shenanigans yet. Completely had me twisted if he assumed that was the case.

But I was shaken up. His words were intended to strike deep, but I know that pro-lifers like him aim for maximum impact. Probably the worst one I’ve been behind closed doors with so far, but still. I know how people are and how they can try to mess with you psychologically on such matters. I am aware of the decisions I’ve made in the past, whether this guy did or not, and I also know I made the best decision for myself and my loved ones on that occasion. In fact, the friend who drove out there to get me this morning was the same man I dated once upon a time who went through the abortion process with me as the prospective father. We talked about on the way home how men don’t have to go through this shit, don’t have to hear people call them these names and treated as though their womb is a curse. It is a lopsided ordeal, as we all know. And that son of a bitch stockbroker had no trouble trying to fuck women, trying to get them to perform oral sex on him, trying to intimidate women, yet he can stand back in self-righteous indignation and condemn US for our choices that he himself gives no fuck about helping make necessary. And I told that joker that. Flat-out did. I would’ve sooner hitch-hiked back to civilization before giving that man a blowjob, trust that. So glad to have not laid a finger on him last night. Yup. He might insult the hell out of me, but at least I knew better than to touch his sorry ass.

Another thought occurred to me on the way home this morning. I asked my former partner the other day if I sometimes act like a stereotypical black woman. And by that I mean out of control and loud and obnoxious and manly with my aggressiveness. He kinda agreed that I do at times. Okay. I accept that. I’m a Southerner and black culture stemmed out of Southern culture, so it makes sense. But I hear a lot of men, especially online, complain these days about how women aren’t feminine anymore, how we act too hard, too aggressive, too masculine in our approaches to situations. Okay. But here’s the thing, fellas. Some of these guys out here ensure this is the case, especially dealing with a preponderance of them over the years. You want a soft and sweet woman, but the reality out here calls for something else at times. I know what I’ve come up through and realize why I behave as I do at times, and I can’t help but see it as justified in some cases. Because otherwise people will just walk all over you, and then, thinking they got away with it, continue walking on everybody else they can. The buck has to stop somewhere, so I guess I’ve made it my mission in life when it comes to some males to become an obstacle to such intentions. I don’t suffer foolish assholes gladly. Can’t do it. Won’t do it. Yeah, I may cry during the process since I am an emotional woman, but I will most definitely stand up for myself and others. Period. Might not always do the best job of it, but this is who I’ve become, right or wrong. All I know is I’ve been put through enough with jackasses to where I won’t go silently when they choose to mistreat me or others for no good reason. Just won’t.

Some say that’s dumb of me since I’m likely to wind up hurt eventually. But so be it. Have been hurt before, so I understand that. Doesn’t always turn out well. But at the end of the day these losers at least tend to respect me on that level. They may consider me crazy but they at least learn to cease fucking with me, one by one. And hopefully, with any luck, they’ll think twice about fucking with other females as well since you never know what you’re gonna get. We all can act sweet out in public and then show other colors behind closed doors. Anyone who thinks I’m that easy of a mark has another thing coming. I will fight back in some sort of fashion, even if I’m bound to lose. Though I do prefer diplomacy and remaining reasonable, once someone clearly steps beyond that tactic working, what else can I do? Tuck my tail between my legs and simply let them have their way? Let them stand there trying to humiliate me for no good reason while I remain silent? What, run to the Law with all my social problems? No. I fight back, one way or another. Has that hardened me over time? Probably. Am I less feminine as a result? Undoubtedly. But I don’t even know what femininity is supposed to be anymore. Seems like a weakness on these occasions. I cry, I beg, and they laugh and cajole. So then what? Take the supposed high road? And just let them get away with their bullshit completely unscathed? I have a hard time accepting that.

So yeah, I’m not a sweetheart and never claimed to be. Had that motherfucker been in my home I would’ve removed him by any means necessary. That he lures women back to his home to verbally assault and then kick out in the middle of a winter night unless they agree to perform sexual favors on him is atrocious. No, I cannot and will not let such shit slide. Cannot. Did not. Thanks to his mailing I now have his full name and address and will consider what to do with it. I think other women ought to know to avoid the jerk, but I’m not sure how to go about informing them. Probably can’t do much in that respect, though I am considering at least writing a negative review in regards to the apartment complex he owns. We’ll see what can be done there. He’s a sexual harasser of the highest order, a real snake in the grass whom I just happened to run into last night by chance. Is it my fault for giving time to such an asshole? Apparently. As soon as he told me he was a stockbroker a red flag went up. Never met a decent stockbroker in my life. Should’ve known better. So that was my bad. But other women likely will fall in his trap and be treated poorly, as he already admitted was the case prior. So what’s to be done here? He has enough to lose that he cares about to where he won’t likely go full criminal psycho on a woman, but he at least is intent on being a serious pain in the ass in his own way. I wish there were a way to make a guy like that think twice about his choices there. I wish there were a way to make him reflect on his behavior and treatment of women to where he could fully grasp how uncool this shit is. But I am one woman and don’t possess that much power, so I don’t know what I feasibly am capable of here to warn others to leave him alone. I will most certainly return to that neighborhood bar and let the regulars know to avoid him and will alert the bartender that was on duty last night. But that feels like barely anything at all. This joker will continue to behave as he does and luring women home so as to harass them on his turf, and I’m sure plenty of other females will be made to leave in the middle of the night in freezing weather because this jackass despises their reproductive rights. Ticks me off to no end, but what can I do? He’s not the only jackass out there geared this way. Guess I can only look out for myself and my own neighbors and just hope others wise up to him. But that doesn’t feel like much help to hardly anybody.

What an asshole. Truly.

It’s past time for me to head to work now. Frickin’ joker started off my week on the note of calling me a “murderer,” a “baby-killer,” despite knowing nothing about me. Just because I am a woman in possession of a womb who happens to be pro-choice. Okay. Well, goddamn it. I’d rather be a “murderer” than bring a child into a situation where he or she isn’t fully wanted. And I sure as hell wouldn’t breed with a low-life like that man. It matters not that he has money. The dude is a sorry human being undeserving of being a father if that’s how he wishes to treat people. I don’t know what may have happened in his life to turn his heart so cold toward women or for him to take such a radical pro-life stance to where he feels the need to berate women on account of it. Will never know. But I pray something turns that son of a bitch around and gets him to see the light. Because what he’s doing is wrong. It certainly ain’t right and it helps absolutely no one, including himself. All that money and all that time on his hands, and this is how he chooses to conduct himself as a man in his 40s? That’s sick and sad on so many levels. All I was wanting was interesting conversation last night, as I’m always seeking, and yet here we are. Stupid and pointless is all this turned out to be.

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Update 12/28/2016: Saw that weirdo a few days ago for the second time. Ran into him in that same neighborhood bar and confronted him. Fuck it, I was out in public. Realized nearly a day later that my jewelry was missing (probably took it off at some point during the night, per my habit) and asked him about it. Said he had it in his car, invited me to sit down in the stool beside him and paid for my beer. Hmm. This is early that evening so I was sober, being polite enough to wait out him returning my jewelry. A few minutes later he retreated to his car and came back with my earrings and ring in a plastic bag. And once that was over (having already written off ever seeing those earrings again, upset as it made me that I didn’t realize I’d left them there), I resumed my confrontation and asked him a few questions. He asked me how often I come to that bar and was acting pretty strange at first, like he was playing really nice and trying to reassure me he’s not a bad guy. Yeah, well, no. I mentioned some of what had gone down at his home and he instantly began blowing me off, telling me to leave and go elsewhere. So I took my drink to the back room and finished it there. Then returned to him and the guy he was chatting with a few word to say. Told him he should discuss abortion-related matters with people in public before inviting them home if it’s going to be such a contentious subject with him. He began waving his hand and saying “nah nah nah.” Continuing, I said it was messed up that he’d request a blow job in exchange for a ride back to my car, and I told his friend to consider warning his female friends about going anywhere with that dude because he’s fucking weird. Then walked out. Haven’t been back there since.

Not much else I can do. Oh, but on another note, a friend said the guy’s not even a stockbroker. So I did ask this weirdo and he admitted he’s actually a financial advisor. Another friend explained to me that this means he may advise people on stock purchases but isn’t in control of ordering the stock himself. Ah. Then my former began putting two and two together and remembered a man by his description being accused years ago of giving a female friend of his grief at their workplace (a finance firm). This weirdo spoke several inappropriate things to the woman in question and then allegedly waited behind a concrete beam one night for her in the company parking garage. Freaked her smooth out, so she contacted whomever to report the incident. My former partner recalls running into the guy later on and asking if he still worked for that company, and the man said no. Also, strange as this is, my former also recalls nearly 15 years ago this guy walking into a local bar towing a vcr with a video stuck inside, requesting help in getting it out. My former was with the mother of his child and their friends at the time, and he was able to dislodge the stuck video for him. Then this weirdo says to my former that the video he was watching was of his last time having sex with his ex-wife. Shit you not, that’s what I was told. I’ve been instructed to ask the weirdo about that incident if ever we run into one another again, though I doubt I’ll be granted the opportunity after how last time went.

Frickin’ weird dude, ya’ll. That’s all I’m saying. Didn’t mean to meet him and am apparently an idiot for ever giving him the time of day or leaving with him. Bad idea on my part. Lowering of inhibitions is an undeniable feature of drinking alcohol, no question. And this is yet another of those events that force me to stop and seriously reckon with my lifestyle and choices. Has at times led me to interactions with very messed up people I otherwise might’ve possessed the sense to avoid. That’s just a fact of life, so I might as well admit it.

Mid-November 2016 journaling (on reacting to trifling women)

Blustery, cold day over here. Have a few things on my mind lately so might as well journal it out.

A few days ago my former and I headed out to my bar for a couple drinks on his birthday. And, as luck would have it, a certain 20-something female walked in (of all days to do so) who’s been trying to flirt with him in weeks prior and approaches him when I’m in the bathroom. Typical sheisty move that most of us are familiar with. Maybe not a major deal, but I tire of the way females like to behave while he and I are out in public together, especially considering it’s become so rare for us to go out together anymore. Mostly because we keep running into issues like this involving other females who, for whatever reasons, apparently want what they want and care not how they make other women feel.

Well, it irritates me. Makes me wonder why this is fast becoming the norm among females, why we seem to be coming up lacking any respect for other people’s boundaries and relationships, why we seem increasingly geared toward selfishness and a total lack of concern for how our choices and actions impact others. Is this a problem specific to females alone? No, but it’s noteworthy there, I do believe. We females may not be prone to criminality the way males generally are, but we do appear to be prone toward wreaking havoc in the social sphere, perhaps because that’s our sex’s greatest sphere of influence.

Don’t know, but tired of observing it continuing to unfold in these patterned ways. This leaves me perplexed on how best to handle the matter. Simply walk away from the situation? That basically feels like letting them have their way. Call them out on this bs? Then they’re prone to either cry victim or become aggressive, thereby further escalating tensions. Try to be diplomatic? People like to lie to your face, telling you whatever you want to hear, and then go right back to doing whatever it is they want to do, unhindered. So, I don’t know the best approach. But I do know I feel like I’m getting too old for this crap, like there ought to come some point where understandings can be forged and maintained, though I realize that to be wishful thinking since we’re all a bunch of strangers in various stages of personal development.

So, what then? Well, I got a little catty. Returned and asserted my presence, took my seat, and basically let her know (without cursing) in very few words that I’m not interested in playing this game. And let it be understood this was a sober exchange — he and I had only finished a couple beers after he got in from dinner with his son. Didn’t necessarily wish to be catty, but I saw no real alternative in this scenario since she, from what I’ve observed thus far in her interactions with others, will take a mile if given an inch. Figured it was better to cut it off at the gate and be done with it, to let her know in no uncertain terms that I’m not tolerant of her antics. And then he and I left.

Now, he was a little embarrassed by this, so we exchanged words when we got back to his place. Apparently I take too strong of an approach in handling other women, in his view. But I tell him that you have to, that lots of women will just plow right on through your subtle hints. He plays the sweetheart out in public, and people like him for this but they also tend to try to take advantage of him as well. I’m rougher in my mannerism, and the downside to that is I probably come across as a lot less approachable, which to some may seem like a bad thing. I’d argue it’s both positive and negative, that sometimes it’s for the best to not be appealing to anybody and everybody since that then reduces the unnecessary drama others bring me. He felt I should’ve just ignored her or at least not reacted until she had crossed a more serious line. Okay, but why is it automatically wrong to act preemptively when you’ve already assessed this person and figure on them most likely doing just that in due time? In other words, why give them the opportunity to create that drama in the first place?

He and I had to agree to disagree on this subject, as is so often the case between us since we’re such incredibly different types of people. He is far more agreeable than I am and prefers to avoid short-term conflict; I’d rather get things over and done even if that causes some tension that others might prefer to avoid. He said I likely only further encouraged her to cause problems going forward, but I’d argue that there’s really no clear way to stop a person like that, but you don’t have to stand by being tolerant of their shenanigans with your lips sealed. Continue reading

Still observing racial and gender-bent movements

American politics continue to blow my mind. Blew it hard enough that I pretty much gave up on the presidential BS from 2008 onward. Didn’t watch speeches from either Hillary or Trump, just as I didn’t listen to speeches by Obama or Romney or McCain back before. Don’t care. *shrugs* Same old, same old every time. Already know plenty of what Hillary Clinton talks about, seeing as how she’s been in the political spotlight since Bill was in office in the ’90s (during my teenage years). Gave up on so much of that shit. Had to. Continued volunteering for a local “peace-building” nonprofit organization until 2011, mostly because the international economic situation and war-mongering were hardest to ignore and not speak out about.

Still care. Just not quite as much, or at least not in the same way as once upon a time. Beginning in 2012 I wound up re-exploring gender relations issues discussed online, having around then initially stumbled upon the so-called “manosphere” which includes men’s rights advocates/activists (MRAs), MGTOWs (“Men Going Their Own Way”), PUAs (pick-up artists, as described by authors Mark Manson and Neil Strauss as well as Roosh V). Learned about feminism in the past and returned over the last 4 years to observing it generally as a movement, witnessing it transforming into this weird, new “SJW” (“social justice warrior”) hybrid (thanks to intersectionality conglomeration). Taken me some time to make better sense out of what all I’ve been looking at — an ongoing struggle, to be sure.

But went there, been doing that. Still, when the run-up to the 2016 U.S. presidential election began over a year and a half ago (ugh), I opted to tune out. Didn’t want to care. Know already plenty of reasons for why I don’t like and would never vote for Hillary Clinton. Saw no reason to concern myself with Trump. *shrugs* Sticking with Gary Johnson, so fuck it. That’s been my attitude for a long while now. Not been watching the news barely. Haven’t subscribed to cable television in my home for many years. Lack enough fucks to give to all that nonsense. I care enough to continue reading books to gain a better sense of perspective on where we are at this point in history, where we’ve been, and where potentially we might be headed, intentionally or otherwise. Occasionally share titles with pals open to giving them a perusing. Most aren’t. Living in my woman cave, working and paying bills and handling my own shit. What goes on in Washington D.C. is just more fuckery so far as I can ever tell.

Social relations matter more to me than politics. Probably because they’re down here on the ground where we individually actually have some direct control and power. At least can learn to better control our own selves, so far as we need to. But down here at ground level it’s clear that we’re not all constituted equally. Doesn’t break down purely according to racial or sex/gender or purely socioeconomic demographics — no, it’s far more complex than that. It comes down to us as individuals and what we’re apparently made of, what potential we might possess and whether we choose to work to unfold it. No one can determine that outcome — nobody but our own selves. And we divvy up across the spectrum in that regard, as is clearly evident to any of us who take time to look around.

The Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement is bugging me a bit lately in terms of what videos I’ve been watching on youtube. Watched quite a few over the course of the last few days, particularly paying attention to post-election protesters. Also went back and observed footage of campus protests in both the U.S. and Canada. Listened to law enforcement commentators and congressmen speaking on the subject. Today I came across an author, Colin Flaherty, who’s very critical of the state of the black community, calling hypocrisy on black people’s explicit racism against whites, examining news reports and showing displays of unjustified violence committed by black individuals against various others. Was an interesting channel. Is he racist? I don’t rightly care since he primarily focuses on numerous specific examples that we can then investigate for ourselves and form our own opinions on. Subbed.

Earlier today I also happened across a YT channel by Oshay Duke Jackson. Opted to subscribe to him too.

A few years before my Papa died, he warned me that there will very likely be a civil war during my lifetime and it will be race-related. Took that piece of advice and considered it in the years since. Initially assumed him to be wrong that the civil war would be race-related, though yeah, a civil war unto itself may occur. Tensions are mounting in this country and have been for a long time, and various factions seem intent on pushing the situation into the red zone. But race-related? During my lifetime it appeared that race relations were overall improving. Sure, we had the rise of gangsta rap during the ’90s and that set a trend that has yet to lose steam. But more interracial mixing has been occurring. Upon visiting my hometown in Mississippi, I’ve frequently been amazed at how much interracial dating is permitted and tolerated in recent years. Wasn’t like that even when I was a teenager a couple decades back. And I remember how racial divisions back then were sown and enforced by both older whites and older blacks, meaning black mamas and papas and grandmas took just as much issue with their child dating outside of their race as white mamas, papas, and grandmas did. See, people up north don’t seem to understand that fact. I come from a hometown where our high school then and to this day has segregated proms. Why? Mostly because black students throw a fit about changing this setup. It’s primarily their decision, so far as I’ve ever been able to tell, for why prom hasn’t been integrated yet. Yet we non-black folks are accused of being racist for this reality, which is basically to say they’re called racist for accommodating black people’s preferences in that town and school. Can’t win for losing there.

I’ve grown up observing a state known for possessing the highest black population in the union (nearly 40%), the highest out-of-wedlock teen pregnancy rate, the highest obesity rate, and one of the highest social welfare-dependency rates. Mississippi has the poorest public education ratings in the nation (switching places with Arkansas occasionally for 50th), high drop-out rates, and low economic opportunities throughout the state. Hence why people with ambition tend to leave, as did I at age 21. Kind of a depressing place to be, having lived in a few far-flung cities across Mississippi during my time down there, as well as attending Mississippi State University for a couple years. So I come at these topics with a perspective informed from what I have witnessed and directly learned about, not just what others may have told me.

Are most people racist? Probably. At least prejudiced to whatever extents. Appears to be a part of human nature. We may aim to take people as they come, but we still do tend to form opinions of demographics based on what our exposure to them has shown us. Oftentimes our exposure is too narrow and needs expanding, for which I’m grateful for the opportunity to live in the Midwest to juxtapose with Southern living, as well as my social science curriculum that did help in fostering a wider appreciation for what others may be facing, from Papua New Guineans to American black folks to Hispanics aiming to make a life in the U.S. due to widespread economic hardship in their native countries to Native Americans losing their cultures to the white Europeans originally brought here under indentured servitude, etc.

BUT…after college, a whole new education unfolds before us. How do those social theories perform when rubber hits the pavement? Do current socioeconomic and racial differences justify violent revolts? What other factors may figure into these situations beyond what was mentioned in the social science theories we were once educated on? When studying collectives, is it not an error to overlook the actions and choices of the individuals therein? Does that not produce a bias?

While no human is fully 100% an island, neither is he or she simply an irrelevant cog within some sort of hive-mind borg, individually obscured through a commonly shared identity.

I’m reflecting on Papa’s words tonight, pondering the possibilities for the future. I’ve said before that we can’t fight this system through the use of direct violence, because we wouldn’t win. Violence begets violence, and the State has more firepower than all of us combined. Act like a hooligan and expect to be treated as such. Harm innocent people who in no way have violated your rights to a similar extent, then don’t expect sympathy. Because that’s misguided. Won’t help anyone, including yourselves. Just turns more people’s hearts cold.

It’s almost as if some are pushing a self-fulfilling prophecy where they show up hostile and chaotic but see any response to that as proof of racism or sexism or homophobia or whatever that somehow justifies their initial aggression. But that’s not logical. It’s a skewing of reality, setting up a situation where defensiveness is paraded as some sort of offense. Why? To aid in perpetuating their own sense of victimhood. When aggressors are not plentiful, create them by making people stand up for themselves and others and then flip the script on them.  straight_face

That’s a shitty way to behave. Yet we see plenty of examples. Seems like more and more over time. I’m not okay with that. Nor am I okay with so much of the public kowtowing to political correctness requirements to where they’re unwilling to state the truth plainly, fearing social and possibly professional repercussions. Got people in a weird bind these days. Making cowards out of folks. Don’t want to us be reactionary in our responses to one another, but also don’t want to take shit lying down with our eyes and ears firmly closed. That’s not helping anybody either.