More tunes for March 2017 (Johnny Cash and others)

That was “Motherless Child” by the Blind Boys of Alabama. Love that tune. Haunts me regularly throughout the years since I stumbled across it.

Another that stays in my mind, “Heartworn Highways” by Townes Van Zandt:

That video always gets to me.

Johnny Cash – “Hurt”:

Lord God, he brought so much power and meaning to that Nine Inch Nails song. Mr. Johnny Cash, my heart continues to go out to you and yours. It’s obvious that man suffered with his being, with his humanity and choices and decisions. And he provided so much amazing art reflecting his contention. Forever amazing. Modern-age gospel.

One I can’t help adore is “Were You There When They Crucified My Lord” by Johnny Cash:

“God’s Gonna Cut You Down” by Mr. Johnny Cash:

True. Nature will inevitably eventually cut us down. If our own social and political bullshit doesn’t cut us down first.

“Rusty Cage” by Johnny Cash (with lyrics):

To bed I go.

“One, two, three, they’re gonna run back to me. Always wanna come but they never wanna leave…”

I’m well-aware my last post was a bit disturbing. So try this one on for size.

Here’s a song my former companion played for me a couple weeks back that I’d never heard before, Elle King’s “Ex’s & Oh’s”:

Now, envision the man who played this: 43 years of age, heavy drinker, tobacco chewer, muscular due to a labor-intensive job, not terribly tall but not short either, close-cropped blond hair, very pretty smile, likes to wear snug-fitting jeans and relatively tight t-shirts that flatter his physique. That was my man. And this is the song he’s been jamming out to lately in bars and wanted to share with me, his former girlfriend, while we were drinking and joking around at his place the night we broke my cold turkey vow.

Today I decided to re-listen to it after hearing it at the bar again last night. Hmmm. Paid attention to the lyrics this time.

Hmmm. “One, two, three, they’re gonna run back to me. Always wanna come but they never wanna leave…”

The full lyrics:

Well, I had me a boy, turned him into a man
I showed him all the things that he didn’t understand
Whoa, and then I let him go

Now, there’s one in California who’s been cursing my name
‘Cause I found me a better lover in the UK
Hey, hey, until I made my getaway

One, two, three, they gonna run back to me
‘Cause I’m the best baby that they never gotta keep
One, two, three, they gonna run back to me
They always wanna come, but they never wanna leave

Ex’s and the oh, oh, oh’s they haunt me
Like ghosts they want me to make ’em all
They won’t let go
Ex’s and oh’s

I had a summer lover down in New Orleans
Kept him warm in the winter, left him frozen in the spring
My, my, how the seasons go by

I get high, and I love to get low
So the hearts keep breaking, and the heads just roll
You know that’s how the story goes

One, two, three, they gonna run back to me
‘Cause I’m the best baby that they never gotta keep
One, two, three, they gonna run back to me
They always wanna come, but they never wanna leave

Ex’s and the oh, oh, oh’s they haunt me
Like ghosts they want me to make ’em all
They won’t let go

My ex’s and the oh, oh, oh’s they haunt me
Like ghosts they want me to make ’em all
They won’t let go
Ex’s and oh’s

One, two, three, they gonna run back to me
Coming over mountains and a-sailing over seas
One, two, three, they gonna run back to me
They always wanna come, but they never wanna leave

My ex’s and the oh, oh, oh’s they haunt me
Like ghosts they want me to make ’em all
They won’t let go

Ex’s and the oh, oh, oh’s they haunt me
Like ghosts they want me to make ’em all
They won’t let go
Ex’s and oh’s

Certainly recasts tonight’s dinner invitation in a new light, to say the least.

Sunday afternoon thoughts in July

There’s no denying that I have a dark side. We all do. Some bigger than others. And mine is exacerbated by some of my lifestyle choices, which I’ve been struggling with (and openly stating so on here in recent months). Yesterday’s talk illuminated some of that for myself to take in and reflect on. I do not like the person I have become. This bitterness is poisonous, and I cry more than anybody should. Because I feel guilty. Forever feeling guilty. Or unworthy. And when I get locked into ruminating on the past that then poisons the present, and on and on it goes.

People can tell you to “get over it” and “let it go” and “move on” all they want to, but it doesn’t change a thing. This is all a process. There are several issues here all balled up and I’ve been having a hard time figuring them out and managing them. But I have been making progress. I see who I am. I hear the words that I’ve spoken and felt the shame they later generated. What is the productive response to this quandary?

I keep bringing up James Altucher on here because his words really have helped me in recent weeks. Makes a person feel better to know they’re not alone in fucking up. And that there’s a process to improving oneself and getting back up and becoming a better person. Paying attention to the 4 core areas on a daily basis: mental, emotional, spiritual and physical — that’s what I have to do.

Continue reading

No promises of rose gardens

Sometimes I write something on here venting or airing pain, but then the hours and days go by and my partner and/or friends and I calm down and things don’t look quite as troubling. So I delete those messages and try to move on. Still have problems though. Such is life.

We talk and talk and talk, but all the talking in the world can’t undo the past. We’ve long-since figured that out.

I’ll admit something on here tonight that perhaps won’t be deleted by tomorrow. I am a depressed individual, stemming back many years. Continue reading