Strange tunes

Found that music (“New Model” by Perturbator) while perusing Twitter today. Not what I typically go for, but it holds some appeal, so I’ve been letting it play in the background.

Next up, “‘BLADE RUNNER 2049’ | Best of Synthwave and Cyberpunk Music Mix”:

That last compilation served as a reminder that such “music” gives me a slight headache if not in the right frame of mind for it. Though I can dig its “Bury” tune by Mire.

Even at low volume the Blade Runner 2049 soundtrack makes my eyeballs and eardrums pulse and throb. Weird.

Journaling Friday night in the new year

Just got off the phone with my best guyfriend. Love that guy. A true-blue friend to the end. Helped me put things back in a better perspective.

Life is a gift. Never guaranteed tomorrow. Reflecting on people whose lives have been cut short or who just are no longer with us. Imagining some of their circumstances and how their passing leaves their loved ones’ mourning. Definitely puts my own little ongoing “existential crisis” in proper perspective. I am a lucky human being. I live in America and have an apartment that’s pretty comfortable, a solid roof over my head without worries on how to pay the rent each month, have food in my belly regularly that tastes great, enjoy indoor plumbing and heating during these cold Midwestern winters. And I have awesome friends, real people who aren’t afraid to speak their minds and tell it like they see it while coming from a place of good faith. That’s a big blessing. Plus, I still have my Grandma.

Don’t even feel the need to cut the man down to feel better about where I’m standing right now. This was all inevitable, and we both knew that. And that’s fine. It is better this way, truly it is. I know this, and I also know I’m a lot stronger these days than I once was. Proof is in the pudding. I got this. Just had to mourn a bit, per my custom, but it’s all right. I’m feeling better tonight already. Thoughts like to roam and ruminate, that’s a given, and the stupid alcohol cravings like to pester me when stressed out. Drinking never fixed a damn thing, though, so no worries about falling in that trap again. Would be too disappointing to give in to that again — takes too much strength to keep trying to quit over and over. Once the line is cut, it’s best to leave it alone. SO VERY GRATEFUL that I quit drinking in 2017, allowing me to approach 2018 without that weighing me down and messing with my emotions and basically fueling the drama in my life. It’s a choice, but I am so glad that I made it and have stood by it.

It’s easy to get down on oneself and just focus on the negative, but sometimes I just have to pause and recognize my own accomplishments so as to make that sense of futility back the heck up. Doing better than I was 7 months ago. Doing better than I was in summer of 2016 when I took sabbatical in Mississippi, and even back 3 years ago. Learned a lot through that leg of the journey. Can’t fully regret it due to its lessons presented, even the really painful stuff. In a way, it’s all a blessing since it did provide valuable insight and new perspectives. Living and learning…

Stupid earworm of the week that I finally caved into and am listening to on YT currently:

That gem was Hall & Oates’ “She’s Gone.” Literally have been waking up to that song playing in my head for the last 4 days. LOL! How dumb. On one hand super-annoying, but also kinda funny since I do love that song but my brain is such a drama queen. That song just keeps circling through my mind this week, pestering the hell out of me, but tonight I find it delightfully goofy. Not sure if that part of my brain is trying to torment or amuse me, but it succeeded at both. Ha

A comment someone left that cracked me up:

If John Oates’ mustache couldn’t keep her from leaving, nothing could.

Gotta love the internet. 

Time for another tune.

One that it helps me to listen to occasionally is “Getting Better (All the Time)” by the Blind Boys of Alabama:

Just a beautiful, humbling song.

Gotta keep on keeping on. Onward and hopefully upward. Try to walk like a more upright human being, despite being a monkey who isn’t as evolved as imagined.

My compulsivity remains a challenge to continue wrestling with. And so be it.

Very lucky when the power of love touches our lives, even when it’s accompanied with pain. Probably can’t have one without the other.

Always have to return to that one.

I know I’ve got this. Truly am in a better space these days. Helps to reassure myself occasionally, versus just berating myself for not being where I think I ought to already be. Life is not a race.

Ben Harper’s “Where Could I Go”:

There’s no deal to be made with the dawn…

The truest truth.

But the verse that’s been on my mind again a lot lately is where he says:

They say freedom is just another place to hide

Something about that rings so true…

“Well Well Well” by Ben Harper and the Blind Boys of Alabama:

Excuse-making is something we’re really, really good at.

Switching gears, Led Zeppelin’s “Ramble On”:

Tonight is kind of a rough night. My head hurts, lungs hurt, eyes hurt. I’m pretty emotional. But it’s going to be okay. Been down this road many times already with him and need to step on. Everything tells me so and has for a long time now. Only holding myself back at this point. Not even sure what the hell I’m afraid of anymore. Thought about all my supposed fears and I can see their irrationality. Amazing how seeing a problem really is only the first step and doesn’t remedy it much, but c’est la vie. Some say seeing is half the battle. But I have been inching into the future and made a good bit of progress already, so it’s not likely we’re stepping up from rock bottom. Attachments are hard to let go of, but it can’t be helped. Severance is necessary. Besides, he said and did enough bullshit himself, and I really don’t need that anymore. We’re not bad people, but we are on such different tracks. And at the end of the day it’s not even really about him. He’s just been made the focal point over time. This is my own journey, and I have a responsibility to myself to take better care of me, including cutting ties that wind up perpetuating pain and stifling personal growth. The back and forth and repeated game changes and general drama have run their course. There’s no going back to that. Not even if invited once again. It’s no good for anybody involved. And now I really need to be the one strong enough to keep walking. Keep caring but maintain distance. Return to my own life without him playing a central role within it. Can’t focus on my own shit when we’re hanging around with one another. Way too distracting with no positive end in sight. We know this.

The jealousy will pass. And I’ll try to keep busier during the evening hours so that I don’t concentrate on him being out with the new woman. He needs to move on, and hopefully he stays safe in doing so. But I don’t like being lied to, and I’m so sick of our drama. He riles me the hell up, and it never changes. Says stuff that just drops my jaw sometimes, but whatever. That’s his life to manage and navigate. I don’t want to stand too close to it anymore.

On the upside, I did demonstrate that I could quit drinking while still hanging around a heavy drinker. Dawned on me that people say not to do that probably because it can be so difficult, but I did it and it was easier than even I expected. Because I am truly wanting to be completely done with that lifestyle. Of course he’ll remain in it, and a part of me does get jealous of that, even though I’ve come to loathe the barscene. Part of me gets to feeling like I’m being left out, like that life is moving on without me. But that’s such a dumb thought. I’m moving on, regardless of what it or they are doing. Sure, it used to be fun at times, but I’ve paid my dues on the downside of what comes out of it too and don’t want it anymore. That may be his life, but it’s not mine nowadays, and I need to find new directions to turn my attention. Sitting around toying with the internet isn’t enough, and I really need to get out more. To where? I don’t yet know. Maybe just go on walks when it’s not too icy.

Feel like I just need to take care of myself right now. The last 7 years have been a really tumultuous ride that I want off of. But at the same time, it’s disorienting for that ride to halt so abruptly. It’s done it before and it’s always jarring. But oh well. Let this be the last time.

Too much solitude does make me nervous. And that’s the fear I have to confront.

Disco and Oldies night

Songs on my mind lately, beginning with a perennial favorite, Thelma Houston’s “Don’t Leave Me This Way”:

Gloria Gaynor’s “Never Can Say Goodbye”:

“Barbara Ann” by The Beach Boys:

Not a big Beach Boys fan normally, but that song got into my head over time. Though when I listen to it I hear “Bomb Iran,” probably a discordant remnant from my peace community days. lol  Not that I wish to see Iran bombed, for the record. Just a silly play on words is all. tongue_smile

“Runaway” by Del Shannon:

Dion’s “The Wanderer”:

“Disco Inferno” by The Trammps:

Basically a bunch of songs from before my time. Foreign times to an ’80s baby like me, yet worthwhile snapshots of American culture and talent.

For good measure, while switching gears, here’s an older song’s somewhat newer Spanish rendition:

That was Gypsy King’s “Hotel California.” Couldn’t find the studio version of the song, probably due to copyright issues on youtube. So we’ll settle for a live bar performance. Actually prefer that version to The Eagles’. Yep, I’m sacrilegious like that.

More tunes and thoughts in November

Back in from turkey night. Ate myself stuffed. Calories and carbs were ridiculous. But it was a great meal. Left me feeling very thankful, appreciative and blessed. He worked hard on that meal, as he always does, and he’s a very good cook. It’s been a nice day.

Things can always be worse — that’s a very true statement. Don’t realize how good we’ve got until it’s gone is another true statement. We’re lucky to be loved and to love. Isn’t always (or usually) on time, but c’est la vie. Hidden blessings matter too. And sometimes we do get what we wish for and find out why we’re admonished to be careful with our wishes.

All truly is simply what it is, much as some hate that little declaration. Super simple yet inescapable truism. We like to think we can dramatically alter reality, and in our own limited ways we indeed can, but the Truth remains unaffected by our whims and fancies.

Anyway, also grateful for my cat. She’s a somewhat naughty girl, but she’s my lovebug. Gotten in the habit of trying to balance on my breasts while I sleep, nips on a regular basis, and thinks she’s a monkey. Otherwise she’s pretty well-behaved and sweet. A good baby. Been my housemate for a nearly a decade now.

Grateful for a warm apartment, working plumbing, a decent car, a job I like, grandparents who loved me, my true-blue friends, a largely-functional society, a healthy brother, being surrounded by so many interesting books, amazing music, and this computer before me that delivers an ungodly stream of information and entertainment, as well as allowing us to communicate quickly across long distances. Also grateful for the other technologies I rely upon, much as I gripe about modernity and its overwhelming abundance of stuff.

Time to turn on some more tunes. Beginning with one that plays regularly in my car, “Man Who Sold the World” cover by Nirvana:

Adore that song.

That was Buffalo Springfield’s “For What It’s Worth.” It plays regularly and risks turning into little more than barely noticed background noise. Worthwhile to pause occasionally and pay close attention to its lyrics, to really let it sink in and feel it. We are where we are and it’s been coming a long time. Continuously unfolding. God only knows what all lays in store for us as a society.

“In the Flesh” by Pink Floyd:

“Karma Police” by Radiohead:

Works that way more often than we realize. ‘Course we aren’t the best at recognizing cause and effect anyhow, forever distracted with rationalizations and explanations that accord with what we prefer were true.

Simon & Garfunkel’s “The Sound of Silence” (1964 version):

Nina Simone performing “The Sound of Silence” on the piano (circa 1968):

Switching gears, R.L. Burnside’s “.44 Blues”:

One of Mississippi’s finest homegrown bluesmen, there shown performing in the U.K. in the early ’90s.

That’s enough for one evening. Getting late.

More tunes for mid-July 2017

Been a long damn day. Turning to tunes…

A song I’ve yet to tire of since first hearing during my freshman year in college:

That was “Battleflag” by Lo Fidelity Allstars (or is a remix by Pigeonhed?).

Keeping with a few personal favorites, Tom Petty’s “Runnin’ Down a Dream”:

Tonight I uploaded a remix of Billy Idol’s famous song, “White Wedding (Razormaid Remix)”:

Depeche Mode’s “Hole To Feed”:

One I’ve posted up on here already not too long ago: Grace – “You Don’t Own Me (ft. G-Eazy) (Candyland Remix)”:

Freemasons – “Uninvited (Original Alanis Morissette Mix)”:

“Time To Let It Go” — Cedric Burnside & Lightnin’ Malcolm:

That’s enough for tonight.

Creating a new playlist for my car (2017 cruising tunes)

Time to burn a new music CD to play in the car. The following tunes are resonating with me at the moment.

Alice Cooper’s “Cleansed By Fire”:

First time watching that particular fan-made video to accompany the song.

You told me that nothing’s free except my own insanity…

Loved that song since first becoming acquainted with it in the mid-’90s thanks to a boy I was dating at the time. Further proof that at least a few good things do spring even out of shitty situations. Only learned last year that it was an Alice Cooper song, having had it lodged in the back of my mind all these years.

Next up, Sugarloaf’s “Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You”:

“Ain’t No Grave” by the legendary Mr. Johnny Cash:

Never tire of watching that art compilation either.

Enigma’s “Age of Loneliness (Carly’s Song)”:

Been a fan of that song since first hearing and purchasing the “Sliver” movie soundtrack in the early ’90s. The lyrics imprinted on my psyche and have since become a sort of mantra for me. “Life is crazy, life is mad. Don’t be afraid.” Repeats in my mind nearly daily in recent years.

Led Zeppelin’s “Bron-Y-Aur Stomp”:

Nevermind that. Perhaps I’ll just load that Zeppelin III album into one of the other slots, replacing the Pantera album that’s been in there far too long anyway (and needs to be returned to who I borrowed it from).

Thinking I need some AC/DC tunes up in this instead. Starting with “The Jack”:

AC/DC – “If You Want Blood (You Got It)”:

AC/DC’s “Live Wire”:

Need to make a separate compilation CD for favorite AC/DC songs alone. Will get around to that another day…

Let’s toss in King Crimson’s “21st Century Schizoid Man”:

And “Stranglehold” by Ted Nugent:

Never tire of that tune.

Not sure how many of these will wind up fitting on the disc, but let’s add some Tom Petty for good measure. “Don’t Come Around Here No More”:

And also maybe “Aerials” by System Of A Down:

Feeling the need to also include Metallica’s “Sad But True”:

June tunes

“Never Going Back Again”:


Lindsey Buckingham kills it in that live performance. Never tire of watching it. Comes to life for me in a new way this week…

“Useless” by Depeche Mode:

That isn’t one by them I ever paid much attention to until the other day while out walking and listening to my mp3 player. It’s in my collection, yet I never really listened to its lyrics before now.

Depeche Mode – “A Pain That I’m Use To”:

That was their 2013 live performance at Austin City Limits.

I’m not sure
What I’m looking for anymore
I just know
That I’m harder to console
I don’t see who I’m trying to be
Instead of me
But the key
Is a question of control

There’s a hole in your soul
Like an animal
With no conscience
Repentance unknown
Close your eyes
Pay the price for your paradise
Devils feed on the seeds
That are sown

Can’t conceal what I feel
What I know is real
No mistaking the faking
I care
With a prayer in the air
I will leave it there
On a note full of hope
Not despair

Continuing on, here is Depeche Mode’s “Stripped”:

Depeche Mode — “Never Let Me Down Again”:

“John the Revelator” by Depeche Mode:

Yet to ever tire of that tune.

More tunes for late spring 2017

Grace (Trap City) – “You Don’t Own Me” (ft. G-Eazy) (Candyland Remix):

First time listening to that version of this song tonight.

More from Trap City, DJ Snake & Lil Jon – “Turn Down For What” (Onderkoffer Remix):

Dug that song for a good while now.

Switching gears, a perennial favorite I heard tonight “Reminiscing” by Little River Band:

Very beautiful song. Incites me to actually feel like overcoming my fear and dancing out in public each time I hear it. Gorgeous song.

Atlanta Rhythm Section – “Georgia Rhythm”:

Adore that tune.

That was Atlanta Rhythm Section with “So Into You.” Deeply adore that song for several years running.

To be continued…

Late spring tunes for 2017

Because I need to chill tonight.

“La Grange” by ZZ Top:

Love that tune.

Ted Nugent’S “Stranglehold”:

Long loved that tune too. Mellow albeit slicing at the same time.

X Ambassadors’ “Renegade”:

Arctic Monkeys – “Do I Wanna Know?”:

First heard that from a female bar-pal I met last year. Haven’t seen her in quite a while. Or her ex-husband.

[Update the next day: Weird coincidence. Actually ran into that couple tonight for the first time in many months. Slightly spooky after mentioning them on here yesterday. “Life is crazy, life is mad…” Heh. Such an odd coincidence is what I’m pointing at.]

That was Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats with “S.O.B.”

Absolutely adore that song and accompanying video.

Turnpike Troubadours’ “Before The Devil Knows We’re Dead”:

May we all get to heaven before the Devil knows we’re dead…

Sounds like a worthwhile prayer to me.

Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats – “I Need Never Get Old”:

Adore that tune.

“Motherless Child” by The Blind Boys of Alabama:

A haunting tune…

“Eminence Front” by The Who:

Yet to tire of that tune.

The Who – “Love reign over me”: