“Why Happy Couples Cheat | Esther Perel | TED Talks”

Having previously listened to Esther Perel’s audiobook Mating in Captivity, I am glad to stumble across her talk here on TED.

“World Views and Values: Wollstonecraft, Vindication of the Rights of Women” (lectures 4-6)

Continuing with Dr. Sadler’s lecture series on Mary Wollstonecraft’s views, picking back up with lecture 4:

Lecture 5:

Lecture 6:

As always, terrific lectures. This series has been especially timely and useful to me. The first 3 lectures are available here.

Entertaining ourselves to death with extreme negativity?

Got to thinking about something again today that went through my mind a while back. Has focusing so much attention on the online “manosphere” and its claims and drama these last 2+ years actually contributed to worsening the guilt complex I’ve developed during my latest relationship? Because I can see points where it certainly didn’t help, like when it came to all the bashing of women and speaking about us as being these horrible people out to take advantage of men and laughing about us “hitting the wall” by hitting age 30 and ridiculing females who put on any weight, etc. It’s like, geez…listening to and reading some of that shit is a mindfuck in its own right. I kept looking into it because I was curious and obviously am interested in social dynamics and all the ways it can play out, plus how the future appears to be unfolding in the U.S. and elsewhere, plus imbalances in power and questions of justice — but damn. That “manospherian” shit can be toxic to keep consuming. Bad for the mind and spirit, not helpful if the goal is to heal gender relations where possible, and just cruel more often than not.

Don’t think I would’ve stayed around to listen and read so much of that if I hadn’t already been in a precarious spot emotionally and socially, though it certainly didn’t improve any of that. Mostly made me think society is going mad and ramped up my fear of having to return to the dating scene. And I think it’s played into my insecurities more than anything else, not enlightened me on how to become a better person. It’s looking to me now to be one of the negative influences feeding into my life and darkening my worldview, which has proven no good for me or anybody I interact with. Just a bunch of mean-spiritedness mostly and that shit can poison one’s mind and outlook.

Taken up too much time dealing with those circles and their incessant negativity and bitterness. There are a few people who affiliate with those groups whom I still do like and intend to continue interacting with, but overall I’m ready to take a BIG step away from all that drama. Because what is it really achieving? People are hurt and lash out in response — I get it. But where does the reacting end? What comes next? I don’t want to stay steeped in anger and pain and resentment for years and years. Whole demographics of people aren’t the enemy, only select individuals are, and every demographic contains some assholes and jerks.

Sometimes shit just goes wrong between people, and while the blame game may feel satisfying for a minute, it doesn’t actually improve a thing in going forward. We’re all mad at and hurt by some folks out here in the world, and if we’re honest with ourselves we’d likely recognize that we’re not saints either and have done our share of causing pain to others as well. Welcome to human life. It’s complicated. None of us escape this existence unscathed. To live is to be active, which makes us actors, and we all impact one another whether we realize it or not, regardless even of what we might intend.

Once again, nobody promised us a rose garden. It largely is what we make of it, though we can’t help but be impacted by others. And some of them are gonna break our hearts, and we’re gonna break some of theirs too. Or offend, or obstruct, or annoy, or enrage, etc. Some of them are going to prove reckless and inconsiderate and even downright mean at times…but that’s life. I can be awfully mean too and won’t pretend otherwise. So far as I can tell, we humans are a mixed up lot. Living is a learning process and all of us fail at times and make bad choices and behave in ways we wish we hadn’t, and the best we can do with that is learn from these experiences and try to move forward. Stewing in pain and anger for years on end winds up holding us back, does it not? I understand that we all go through phases and life can be extremely overwhelming at times to where we just have to hunker down and lick our wounds for a while, but doing so isn’t the basis for a movement. And whipping people who are already down into a further panicked frenzy doesn’t help a thing, just ensures the pain keeps paying forward.

We like to think that what goes on online doesn’t really bleed over into our everyday lives, but that’s not true. These attitudes do carry over, and people can be genuinely affected by the vitriolic harshness they’re exposed to online. I worry most for younger people with limited life experience who take so much of this negativity in and start believing in it uncritically. Because that’s not doing them any favors, not really. Then someone like me comes along and stumbles across that “manosphere” stuff and it just enhances my own worries and stokes my own aggressiveness and defensiveness. Men and women do tend to differ in ways, but so what? We all differ in countless ways regardless of our sex/gender or race or nationality or political leanings or whatever else. Humans are a diverse species, as should be pretty obvious to us. And lots and lots of us will find reasons to take issue with one another. That’s just life. We all impact and react, so it’s a question of becoming more conscious of all of that and figuring out what power we do possess and how to hopefully wield it in a more productive way. Because what else do we have? Everybody else on earth aren’t about to change to suit us and our individual preferences. Sure, charlatans and users do exist — absolutely they do. Helps to be cognizant of that. But do we want to become fearful? Do we want to become hateful and spiteful? If not, then we better become aware of what we’re taking in and how that may be influencing our outlooks.

I don’t want to live mired in pain and anger over the past anymore. Spent enough years going through that. Really don’t want to deal with that for the rest of my life. Would like to become a better person, because lord knows the person I’ve been hurting the most through all these years has been my own self. Not to mention the toll it can take on one’s loved ones. I don’t want to keep falling prey to my insecurities or to continue viewing myself in a negative light. So I no longer have the patience to continue listening to people spew cruel words about entire groups of people, looking to inflict emotional pain and nervousness onto others because they themselves are malcontent. Helps nobody. Doesn’t even help them in the end. Nobody out here is perfect. Besides that, the people being impacted by these harsh messages aren’t likely the intended audience so much as the curious onlookers and those that care enough to take the time to listen to someone else’s point of view. So they’re not even whipping the people they’re wanting to whip since those people wouldn’t grant them the opportunity. Instead they’re just whipping themselves into a frenzy and upsetting one another and people like me who are prone to stare into the abyss for long spells of time. In short, the hurt and angry are impacting others who are hurt and angry and/or curious, and that’s about it. Those who don’t care aren’t listening in the first place, and those who do wind up receiving the hard time and blame. Well, I don’t have energy for that anymore.

Healing and moving forward is my personal aim at this point, so I’m going to try to seek out sources and information that aid in that endeavor. Two years proved to be enough of taking that all in. Learned some things that altered my outlook by broadening my concern horizon, so that part was worthwhile, but the incessant blaming and bitching and stereotyping is just nuts. And hopefully more people will figure that out themselves and choose to move on too.

Men are not all capable of being on the same “team” because men are not all equal.

Tonight I read a post from a participant on AVFM’s forum named Wio, and here’s the snippet I’d like to zero in on:

Taking a risk does not make you less of a man and taking precaution does not make you a greater man, so I see no contradiction here. MGTOW is not some standard of how to be a “real” man, and I’m pretty sure we all agreed such standards need not exist.

 

Are there not better men than others? Men more deserving of being esteemed and treated with honor and respect more than some others? And couldn’t the same also be said of women? Even while taking into account whatever differences we generally may have.

The question really is where we draw the lines, and obviously that can divvy up in countless ways across the spectrum. I understand what I personally esteem and appreciate in men, as well as what strikes me as notably honorable in women. A bit tricky trying to spell that out for others since it’s a nuanced understanding within myself that has evolved over time (and likely will only continue to evolve). But I do distinguish between people and don’t pretend they/we are all constituted equally. No. We are not all equal, and that’s not just solely determined along sex/gender lines. Simply put, some men are pieces of shit, as are some women, for whatever reasons. How many? Who can clearly say? But we know lowlifes exist across both of the sexes. Fact of life, subjectively determined as it can’t help but be.

So let’s stop for a moment and think about how it divvies up among males in particular, since some in the conversation pertaining to the in-fighting between “MGTOWs” and MRAs, particularly folks being haphazardly labeled as “traditionalists” simply because they choose to marry (or at least might be open to and tolerant of marriage). That’s somehow “the enemy” now, yeah — I’ve read and watched some of this shit unfold. Makes me long for a better hobby.  LOL

not_equalMen are not all equal, just as humans in general are not all equal. Can’t force us to all be either. Different natures, different genes, different socialization experiences, different drives. Etc. Not one and the same. Might be equal in some sense under that which we like to call God, or perhaps to a larger extent nowadays operating according to that which has been deemed The Law — that much I agree with. But each and all equally constituted? Not a chance.

A few are very sick and demented, as we’re all aware of and crime stories attest to. Some others out here are feeling very jilted, and perhaps in however many cases justifiably so through no fault of their own (at least initially). But a number of these jilted people are working with very limited experiences that they feel profoundly impacted by; sometimes legitimately so, but for others it’s like they fixated on the loss or heartache so intensely for so long that it warped them. They became a hater. That is, in this case, one driven to destroy that which is sacred to others out of covetousness and spite. They who began desiring to paint it all black. Some envy you and yet cannot or will not be like you. Some scorn you for having access to what they think they want and should be entitled to. And however many believe they ought to act on impulse and work to take away what another has because they’re so damned miserable with their own existence that they have grown to strongly resent others with lives that resemble their idyllic fantasies. That serving as just one example of how destructive drives may play out. There unarguably are those who aim to directly prey on folks who threaten their own insecurities. We know these cases do exist.

That initial comment just tapped into a can of worms I’ve been pondering on a while now. In reality, not all men are on the same side. Can’t be. Fundamental differences between them do exist. Just as not all women are on the same side as one another, though females are generally reported to be more collectivist or at least communal in nature. But in terms of masculine ideologies — doesn’t work that way. Impossible to all be on the same “team.” That’s gender-ideology-taken-too-far way of thinking, and it won’t work, not unless the haters all came to rule key social hierarchies and sufficiently intimidated most other males into adapting to their ways of being or standing down — not likely to happen.

All women aren’t one way and looking for the same things necessarily in a mate, same as with men. We know this. And yet people sit there and debate as if they subscribe to some universalized truth. Like the sexes, categorically, having irreconcilable differences and therefore sex segregation is in order (?). Some people online like to get nuts on this shit, especially young people operating with rather limited life experiences while saturated with ideologies. What’s most important winds up being obscured by comparably trivial distractions. But there are strikingly different worldviews among men that will prove every bit as irreconcilable as, if not more so than, the natural divide between the sexes.

But getting back to the original YT topic threads in question…  Simply enjoying one’s marriage, even if both spouses work, is now considered “traditionalist”? Living together is now deemed “traditionalist”? What next? Gonna label having a girlfriend as “traditionalist”? Having sex with women? Even acknowledging women? How Orwellian. Seriously.

People are blowing my mind. Not sure what to make of what all we’re trying to do here. I can sympathize to varying degrees, but damn. We’re not all on the same team here, not according to sex or race or class or whatever else we may identify with. And the “enemy” of my “enemy” isn’t always necessarily my friend by default. Not a secret.

This notion of all men coming together won’t happen because males tend to be more individualistic. That unavoidably matters. So males are forced to adopt different strategies as a result. However many clans wind up going their own ways. It will be interesting to observe how that may unfold. That is, if the online “manosphere” can manage to not get mired in unproductive drivel the way Feminism has.

Anyway, enough rambling for tonight.

____________________________________

March 18, 2015: Decided to record reading this post aloud:

Jordan Owen discussing Roosh, RoK, the Gor novels, and how embracing such crud makes things worse

It’s videos like this that keep me appreciating Jordan Owen.

Been hearing and reading the name Roosh the last couple of weeks and noticed the buzz around AVFM but hadn’t clicked on anything about him before today. Only recently recall hearing about the Return of Kings website and so took a look at it this evening after hearing the name Roosh mentioned yet again, this time coming up in Owen and Aurini’s falling out.

Looked a few things over, read a forum thread where opposing views voiced their opinions on the RoK site and overall message, clicked on a couple of Roosh’s videos pertaining to “rape culture,” and now I’m 1:08:54 into Jordan’s video above. So far it’s very interesting and provides a nice glimpse into this character who calls himself Roosh V, presented in a very fair-minded way, IMO.

He’s right that such talk like that coming from Roosh only serves to stir the panic that we all already know exists. Not helping. Definitely “defecates on” what a lot of men (and women) out here are trying to accomplish in hope of improving all of our lots in this life by aiming to be fair and to respect one another’s humanity.

Carrying on…

Pausing at 1:12:39 — couldn’t agree more, going on what’s been presented here so far. Jordan explains it all very well in terms I’m sure most could understand if they’d take time to listen and take it in. Not just letting his words play in the background while doing other shit either. When I’m not watching this, it’s paused, which is necessary when it comes to videos worth watching, as this one is.

Back to watching…

Just finished viewing the video. Very powerful. He did a really good job in explaining his position here, and I, for one, stand largely in agreement.

A look into Jeffrey Dahmer

Sharing what I watched this evening, beginning with an interview with Jeffrey Dahmer and his parents shortly before he was killed:

Wasn’t keen on Stone Phillips covering that, but what’s done is done. Eh.

Footage from Jeffrey Dahmer’s trial:

Left my comments on both videos.

Makes me think of what Ernest Becker spoke of in his final book Escape From Evil about cannibalism and how one incorporates the mana power of another, how man has a zest for killing and hunting prey, and it also makes me think of how our modern discord can shape individuals who seek power in their own more “primitive” fashion. That being what humans are equipped to be capable of, and there existing a need to strive for some sort of meaning in what’s coming to feel like a nihilistic world.

How a person chooses to create such meaning opens up all sorts of possibilities, including seriously negative and sadistic attempts toward satiation.

That Dahmer was into the movie “Star Wars” I also find interesting since that film was inspired by writings of Joseph Campbell relating to the hero’s journey. And that’s all about trying to carve out one’s destiny and utilize one’s powers to do something, to prove something, to experience life and be what we are. Whatever that winds up being.

There’s an undeniably primal accent on Dahmer’s crimes and what he was attempting to achieve, shaded by modern frustrations and internalized taboos and family strife and whatever else. It’s a very interesting case study, and I am actually appreciative of Dahmer’s demeanor in the end. He confessed guilt once caught, told of his crimes without playing further games, and knew he deserved death as a result. Out of all the serial killers I’ve learned about over the years, this one is most definitely distinctive on several counts.

I could say more but the night is winding down.

“HYPERGAMY VS MGTOW”

An interesting take on the MGTOW “movement,” claims of “hypergamy,” and a breakdown of the positions of men in our modern society:

That video was created by Sarge willie Pete.