A dreary night indoors in November

Not going out tonight. Too cold and drizzly. Instead occupying myself with laundry and putting away my summer clothes in bins.

Work is done for the day so I might as well enjoy my time before things kick into higher gear later this week due to holiday work obligations. Glad to make more money and am trying to generally spend less these days. Also updated my business website finally so now I feel comfortable advertising locally once again. Wasn’t as tricky setting up the ftp info once again in the macromedia software as I’d worried it might be. And that software actually proved compatible with my newest computer, so that’s a plus. Need to purchase a new printer soon though since mine crapped out (again — darn things only last 3-4 years before giving up the ghost).

Recently finished listening to a great audiobook by Mark Manson titled The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. Highly recommend that one. It’s funny while also offering practical wisdom to counteract the “we all deserve an award” mentality permeating society these days. Plan on re-listening to it sooner rather than later.

Currently I am listening to the audio version of Carl Jung’s Memories, Dreams, Reflections. The first portion, which I’m still working through, serves as a memoir where he tells of his upbringing and challenges with religion (his father was a Protestant clergyman and several other family members were theologians) and his struggles in school (wasn’t good at math; grew more isolated over time due to differing viewpoints from his peers). As a fan of Carl Jung’s work, it’s interesting to learn more about who he was and how he came up and also how his mind developed over time. A kid like him born into today’s society would likely wind up labeled and drugged by psychiatrists, ironically enough, which could very well have stripped someone like him of his potential.

Previously listened to the audiobook America the Anxious by Ruth Whippman about her relocation from the UK to California and her observations of our “positivity” culture. She came out realizing that the intense and focused pursuit of happiness doesn’t tend to wind one up there and instead makes people miserable. Her research provided and examined was illuminating and even counter-intuitive in places. Really enjoyed her witty writing style and believe mothers most especially would find her work amusing.

Next up in terms of reading material, I’ve placed the following books in my wishlist by Thomas Sowell: The Vision of the Anointed: Self-Congratulation as a Basis for Social Policy, Intellectuals and Race, A Conflict of Visions: Ideological Origins of Political Struggles, and Black Rednecks and White Liberals. Hope to order at least one of his titles in December. Also hoping to eventually get to Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn’s The Gulag Archipelago (a three volume series).

What else? Obviously been looking more into the Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement in recent weeks, seeing as how we keep hearing more and more about it. Sounded like a reasonable movement initially, but then it’s evolved into something else, something a bit more sinister in terms of expressing racial hostility toward white people. I’ll continue trying to make sense out of what’s unfolding there.

Been slacking in going to the gym this past week. Was busy at times, but otherwise just lazy or not in the mood.

My former and I began fussing with one another again over the weekend, so we’re taking a few days away to do our own things. Per our usual cycle.

Met a nice guy recently, a friend of a friend, who works in an environmental science lab setting. Seems like a cool dude. Hung out with him and his friends a couple days last week. In his 40s with no kids, never married, in the process of buying a house. Seems like a stable individual. Will be taking my time getting to know people — not interested in jumping into anything any time soon. But he seems to like me and isn’t opposed to exploring various topics, so that’s cool. Either way, I’m pretty sure we’ll wind up being at least casual buddies.

Was called by a client/friend, an older lady I’ve worked for for years, and went over to visit with her yesterday. Been months since we last chatted since she’s retired these days. Was good to see her. Said she’s looking into getting a gun, so we discussed her options, and I need to email her later some info she requested. She goes out east in the winter to stay with her daughter, and they’re a bit concerned about home protection due to riots and rising crime in Charlotte, NC. Can understand her worries there and will try to find some solutions that may prove most compatible to her situation.

Not much else is going on, at least not worth noting on here. Preparing for winter to arrive. Needing to get my rotors and brakes worked on hopefully this weekend. After that we’ll ready the snow tires since they usually go on right after Thanksgiving each year. Mundane stuff.

Mid-November 2016 journaling (on reacting to trifling women)

Blustery, cold day over here. Have a few things on my mind lately so might as well journal it out.

A few days ago my former and I headed out to my bar for a couple drinks on his birthday. And, as luck would have it, a certain 20-something female walked in (of all days to do so) who’s been trying to flirt with him in weeks prior and approaches him when I’m in the bathroom. Typical sheisty move that most of us are familiar with. Maybe not a major deal, but I tire of the way females like to behave while he and I are out in public together, especially considering it’s become so rare for us to go out together anymore. Mostly because we keep running into issues like this involving other females who, for whatever reasons, apparently want what they want and care not how they make other women feel.

Well, it irritates me. Makes me wonder why this is fast becoming the norm among females, why we seem to be coming up lacking any respect for other people’s boundaries and relationships, why we seem increasingly geared toward selfishness and a total lack of concern for how our choices and actions impact others. Is this a problem specific to females alone? No, but it’s noteworthy there, I do believe. We females may not be prone to criminality the way males generally are, but we do appear to be prone toward wreaking havoc in the social sphere, perhaps because that’s our sex’s greatest sphere of influence.

Don’t know, but tired of observing it continuing to unfold in these patterned ways. This leaves me perplexed on how best to handle the matter. Simply walk away from the situation? That basically feels like letting them have their way. Call them out on this bs? Then they’re prone to either cry victim or become aggressive, thereby further escalating tensions. Try to be diplomatic? People like to lie to your face, telling you whatever you want to hear, and then go right back to doing whatever it is they want to do, unhindered. So, I don’t know the best approach. But I do know I feel like I’m getting too old for this crap, like there ought to come some point where understandings can be forged and maintained, though I realize that to be wishful thinking since we’re all a bunch of strangers in various stages of personal development.

So, what then? Well, I got a little catty. Returned and asserted my presence, took my seat, and basically let her know (without cursing) in very few words that I’m not interested in playing this game. And let it be understood this was a sober exchange — he and I had only finished a couple beers after he got in from dinner with his son. Didn’t necessarily wish to be catty, but I saw no real alternative in this scenario since she, from what I’ve observed thus far in her interactions with others, will take a mile if given an inch. Figured it was better to cut it off at the gate and be done with it, to let her know in no uncertain terms that I’m not tolerant of her antics. And then he and I left.

Now, he was a little embarrassed by this, so we exchanged words when we got back to his place. Apparently I take too strong of an approach in handling other women, in his view. But I tell him that you have to, that lots of women will just plow right on through your subtle hints. He plays the sweetheart out in public, and people like him for this but they also tend to try to take advantage of him as well. I’m rougher in my mannerism, and the downside to that is I probably come across as a lot less approachable, which to some may seem like a bad thing. I’d argue it’s both positive and negative, that sometimes it’s for the best to not be appealing to anybody and everybody since that then reduces the unnecessary drama others bring me. He felt I should’ve just ignored her or at least not reacted until she had crossed a more serious line. Okay, but why is it automatically wrong to act preemptively when you’ve already assessed this person and figure on them most likely doing just that in due time? In other words, why give them the opportunity to create that drama in the first place?

He and I had to agree to disagree on this subject, as is so often the case between us since we’re such incredibly different types of people. He is far more agreeable than I am and prefers to avoid short-term conflict; I’d rather get things over and done even if that causes some tension that others might prefer to avoid. He said I likely only further encouraged her to cause problems going forward, but I’d argue that there’s really no clear way to stop a person like that, but you don’t have to stand by being tolerant of their shenanigans with your lips sealed. Continue reading

Scuttling into Fall (more journaling)

Been keeping occupied over here. Finally filed my taxes this past week (thanks to an extension), dyed my hair black with dark plum ends (for the hell of it), organized the apartment a little bit (had time on my hands), and quit drinking for 7 full days (due to being on antibiotics). All better now and back to making my rounds. Next project is to finally overhaul my business website, as I’ve been promising to do for a couple years now.

Hung out with a good buddy late last night, which was nice. Looking forward to seeing him again in a few days.

Been getting along with my former companion pretty well these days. Other than the occasional minor blip we really haven’t been arguing much at all. Astoundingly. Actually been watching the Cubs vs. Dodgers games with him the last 2 days and probably will watch their 5th game with him tonight. Matters to him — sports don’t do much for me. But it gives us an opportunity to hang out and spend time together doing something he enjoys. He’s re-teaching me about the game since all such knowledge ejected from my brain a couple years back after his son ceased playing baseball.

Other than that just working and doing what I do. Getting used to the new gym and still training with my regular trainer at his place usually a couple times a week. Still working on getting my weight back down though it’s crept up a bit since returning from Mississippi. Exercise is good for my soul. Requires me to be mindful and provides needed challenges. Walking in my job is nice as well but obviously lacks intensity. That’s more of a zen practice in terms of mindfulness, wandering around looking at the leaves changing color while trying to keep puppies from dodging toward the street.

Finished listening to the audiobook The Tao of Seneca (Volume One) earlier today. It’s a collection of letters Seneca wrote to a friend. Liked it all right. Not a favorite but interesting nevertheless. So far as Stoic philosophers go, I find myself most enamored with the teachings of Epictetus thus far.

Saved a little money this past week while taking a break away from gallivanting, so that was good.

Aiming to eat a little healthier in the near-term. Been relying on my former to share meals with me over the last couple of weeks, which is fine since he’s a great cook, but it’s high time I restock my kitchen. Anything to keep me from impulsively purchasing gas station food when the mood strikes.

Had fun spending so much time online again this past week. It’s been a while since I stayed home this much. Actually missed my computer and the internet, trolls and all. Been entertaining myself with various tutorial videos on youtube and playing card games at my favorite gaming site. Need to do more of that in going forward. Spent entirely too much time and money at bars this past year, which can be fun until it becomes unnecessary drama.

I don’t doubt I’m having a bit of a crisis with my own femininity at this point in life. Thought on that a bit in recent months, though not sure what or why it is. Like I am unsure of what femalehood means for me in this next stage of development. lol  Such a weird thing to consider…

Anyway, that is whatever it is. Life goes on regardless. Not much work tomorrow or the next day and I have Sunday off. My guyfriend wants me to stop over and help him paint his garage, so that’s the weekend project. Grandma is urging me to go to a co-op and pick up some defoliant chemical to use on my former’s backyard since it’s gone completely back to nature. Pretty sure there’s a wildlife refuge back there by now. Weeds took over, “sucker trees” (as they call them here) sprouted everywhere and grew to amazing heights this summer, and so now his backyard is completely inaccessible. He and a friend took a chainsaw to a bunch of it back in the spring, but it’s back with a vengeance since. Oy. That’s one hell of a project to undertake, but so far he’s resisted my offers for assistance. So…not sure what to do about it, frankly. Might buy the chemical and apply it on my own, but it’s not my yard and therefore not my major concern. We regularly joke about how much his neighbors must be resenting him by now. Yeah, it’s a jungle back there. Crazily out of control. Never seen a full-on flora takeover like that around these parts. Has too good of soil for its own good.

Beyond that just trying to take ‘er easy. Keep unnecessary stress to a minimum and work with my people as effectively as possible. My brother’s birthday is coming up at the end of the month and I haven’t a clue what to give him. Probably will just send a card since he likely has all that he wants right now. Hitting the big 3-0, within the same year that he became a big brother for the first time ever. Ha! Ah well, that’s cool too. Best wishes to all of them.

Time to relax and warm up before heading back out into a windy, blustery fall day to do some work.

Late-night journaling in early October 2016

Talked to a man tonight I’ve met several times in the past. Didn’t wind up going well this evening. Not sure what to say on the matter exactly…

He spoke of “positivity” and seemed adverse to anything he deemed negative. But life is a mix, I said. It’s not all clearly one way or the other. We learn from the problems and pain too. But he had trouble with that, seemed unwilling to fully accept that, particularly from someone who wasn’t also promoting the “positive” track as he sees it. Much more ambitious than me in terms of playing up to rich folks out in the gated community where he works and the acting jobs that he pursues. But I already knew long before that he’s more domesticated than me, more geared toward upward mobility in the material sense. That’s not who I am. And what I relate with is not who he wishes to be either.

And that’s fine. Wasn’t a guy I’ve seriously considered dating in a major way. But I was aiming to become friends, which he said he wanted too. But he can’t handle me, right off the bat. One bad day unrelated to him proved a sufficient turn off. I didn’t get loud or do or say anything crazy (according to my standard, but that obviously differed from his). Just not in the best of moods this evening. Had a little bit of drama over dinner with my former earlier. Kinda hurt my feelings. May be hormonal as well — looks very likely that way due to timing and all. Not feeling particularly well past midday today. Still getting over last weekend’s cold. Basically nothing to pin-point specifically, just a shift in emotions that continued shifting as the day and then night wore on.

This guy wasn’t my type, which I’ve known, but it still kinda bothers me how he seemed to recoil from what I said tonight. Am I the happiest person alive? No, and never claimed to be. And, unlike him, I don’t repeatedly profess to be a “good person.”  No interest in doing so since it’s not fully accurate. I’m mixed, just like most folks are, whether they care to acknowledge it or not. Not all to the same degrees, but mixed nevertheless. And that’s where I work from, in acknowledging that fact of life. Turns some folks off.

Several say I remain too attached to my former. Still spend a good bit of time with him. Still go over for dinners regularly and spend the night. And he’s still not seeing anybody else. Wants to but hasn’t found her yet. And I’ve tired of trying to date outside of him while he remains single since he likes to kick that back in my face. It’s a trap. If I step out when he isn’t yet doing so it comes across as if I’ve committed some sort of crime. Encourages me to do so, but doing so comes with consequences. I get it. But still. It’s an old game. Certainly not new between us. I am the faster mover among us. Different types of people. Very different pasts and life experiences.

I don’t know what to say tonight. The guy I spoke with this evening stated he viewed me as not as far moved along as he expected by now. Not going to debate that. But I told him what I tell everybody: not seeking anything serious right now, mostly just interested in making friends. Even if I am in a weird and precarious situation that others routinely find uncomfortable if they stand too close to it, so be it. I am out and about these days. Mingling. Conversing. Not interested in pretending about much of anything. Not even barely interested in concealing aspects of the past, though perhaps I should be more censored and guarded right about now. Not aiming to attract more hostility or problems from outsiders.

Frustrated. Because I know I am not ready and willing to fully engage with the dating scene at present, yet some folks make it seem like I am not worth knowing if that is the case. And the mingling atmosphere in many bars has gotten pretty disrespectful, both between the sexes and across women. Been that way forever probably but certainly doesn’t seem to be improving. I don’t know. This shit makes my head spin is all I know.

Feel like a retard surrounded by a vast sea of various forms of retardation. Apparently it is what it is.

Tonight kinda felt like trying to interact with a liberal, which I did mention to this guy. Elaborating, he considers himself a Christian and his faith very important. That’s cool. But then he went on about humanity and his feeling of being put here for a reason, to somehow stem the tide’s direction. And that’s where I can’t help but chuckle to myself a bit. We chatted briefly about how that which we call God remains and likely always will remain beyond human comprehension. And yet we like to assume we as individuals have somehow tapped into the ultimate answers. I can’t claim to know. The main great evil, so far as I can tell, is the sexual abuse of a very young and prepubescent child. That’s how I tend to gauge that which we call evil, treating it as a spectrum with the most heinous cases of that on the farthest end. Pretty simple person in that regard.

He went on to speak about the planet and how we’re destroying it. I sighed and conjured up the words of George Carlin and how the the planet will out-live us after shaking us off like a bad case of fleas. Paraphrasing obviously. He partially agreed but seems geared toward believing humanity should and can somehow be “fixed.” Always have to ask by what standard there, and people tend to blink in disbelief as if we all should logically be on the same page. But that’s not reality. And change things how? Enforce it how? With what unforeseen consequences on down the pike? We don’t know. Do we spend serious time devoted to trying to figure that shit out? How many of us and to what extents? We don’t know. Limited in figuring that out about one another, especially when we’re relative strangers.

Meeting new people is tricky for me since I require a good bit of truthful and clearly stated information from whomever I’m engaging with. How I operate. Not by choice, just learning to live with being geared this way the best I can. Doesn’t work out well with plenty of folks, males and females alike. Seems I say the wrong things, or they play coy and refuse to spell things out when needed. No one promised us human relations would be easy. I know. Still. Frickin’ frustrating plenty of the time. Not fun feeling so misunderstood because there’s not enough time available and intermission from distractions to elaborate in enough detail that the pieces start making more cohesive sense. Like people want you to sum everything up nowadays in a soundbite, and I don’t know how to do that. Don’t know how to control my emotions all the time either. Working on plenty of shit, but won’t claim to have it all figured out yet. Likely won’t ever entirely. Likely most or all of you won’t either. Welcome to it. Such is Life.

Just a bit irritated tonight. Wasn’t in a good mood for socializing. Should’ve backed away earlier on and just stayed to myself mostly. Better nights for interacting. But if that’s all it takes to freak that dude out, he’s not going to be a compatible friend or even bar-pal. And that’s fine. Goes that way sometimes. Just wish I’d have acted differently on my previously established understanding of how incompatible he and I are and not attempted conversing with him in any depth on a night when my mind is already taxed enough.

And on that note, my brother called earlier tonight. First time we’ve talked in probably a year. Last saw him in April of last year. Maybe 2008 before then. He’s turning 30 later this month. Couldn’t be more opposite of one another on nearly all levels. But he’s doing very well professionally and seems content. Working up in his company toward becoming a software engineer and hoping to retire in that position. I’m proud of him. He’s taught himself a lot and followed his interests and is honing his skills and actively aiming toward developing further expertise. He’s doing what he wants to do in his life, difficult as his interests are for me to deeply grasp and relate with as a non-techie type. And the same goes vice versa. It will be interesting to observe what the future holds for him.

My little brother is pretty mild and meek in his relations to others, whereas I can be pretty aggressive at times. Different personalities and different dynamics we encounter as a result. Wholly different. Interesting how that all shakes out between us.

Was good to talk to him. Surprised when he called. Rarely does he return my or anybody else’s calls. Busy working much of the time. Said he went to his 10-year high school reunion last year and nearly all of his classmates were married with kids. Always amusing to hear people’s takes on their high school reunions.

I guess the night isn’t so bad. Made it home safely. Talked to my brother for the first time in a long while and for several hours. Business was all wrapped up throughout the day. Took on a new client for Thanksgiving week. Shared a nice dinner despite my former getting grumpy initially. And am not even terribly upset about the dude I chatted with at the bar. Just felt the need to talk and relate to somebody, but he was seeking something else. That happens. Just felt strongly tonight the need to relate on some level. Probably should’ve moved on and opted to chat with someone else. I do get moody sometimes. Not claiming to be compatible with most encountered. A little embarrassed for how the conversation turned  — got confusing. I don’t understand most people and probably come across a bit odd to plenty of them as well. C’est la vie. What can I honestly do about this? There comes a point where acceptance is necessary. All one can do is navigate to the best of his or her ability. Not all are created equal in that regard.

Just sometimes wish the act of relating weren’t so cumbersome. And sometimes wish I were better adapted for it.

Am tired of this subject now.

Late summer easiness

Chillin’ and relaxing as much as time permits these days. Enjoying afternoons lazing in a private, backyard pool working on my tan (something I haven’t had the luxury of doing in many years). Got some nice color right about now, stark tan lines. Listening to the birds in the trees on the perimeter, marveling at the enigma of the “blue gold” I’ve been fortunate enough to be granted time and access to float around in, soaking up the sun’s rays while watching the clouds drift by. Reflecting on the tunes playing inside my mind, skin scented with coconut oil, enjoying the tranquility of lounging alone in the great outdoors.

My birthday’s right around the corner. About to officially become middle-aged. And I’m good with that.

Working as needed, like always, including the new side gig that requires even more driving around. Exploring a Pantera album loaned to me by my former companion. Getting along with him better as well since we’ve given each other more space.

Tried dating a new guy for a couple weeks there — more like hanging out and hooking up really. But we proved incompatible right from go, not to mention I’m allergic to something in his home. Perhaps his cologne? Don’t know but finally had to throw in the towel since itchy eyes in the late-night hours aren’t sexy. But he was fun to spend time with for a minute, so long as we weren’t drinking too much rum and cokes. It has been said before and it is confirmed once again: I can argue with anyone about anything. Amazing how trifling some arguments wind up being between some of us. Won’t even elaborate on how dumb. Serves me right for giving higher priority to sex appeal in my male suitors than intellectual curiosity. But I do adore muscular eye candy…

Nice to feel my sexuality revived a bit, to know that I haven’t lost my mojo but merely misplaced it for a spell there.

Still working out regularly and have dropped a few pounds since returning from my Mississippi trip in early June. Aiming to hit it harder in coming weeks in preparation for a friend visiting Labor Day weekend. Very much looking forward to seeing him again.

Not been home much lately and hence haven’t been writing on here or elsewhere online. Been enjoying the nightlife, observing the wheels go ’round and ’round…

Pondering like always. Listened to a good audiobook recently and am now re-listening to it again: The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris. Interesting info and ideas that tie into so much else I’ve been reading this year pertaining to mindfulness and taking action and clarifying one’s values. Today I downloaded the audiobook Sapiens: A Brief History of Mankind by Yuval Noah Harari and should be starting it soon.

Can’t complain these days. All is going pretty well. Building my income back up, taking time to pamper myself so as to enjoy my femininity once again, exploring social opportunities, sharing meals with friends, tuning out useless political jabbering, taking walks with a new female friend some days after gym class, just letting life roll without trying too hard to force it in any particular direction right now. Taking care of business and leaving the rest to fall wherever it may. Moving from living in my head to living in my body, bit by bit, so far as I am able.

What else? A good friend is making us dinner this evening. On the menu: bruschetta made with tomatoes from another friend’s garden and chicken cacciatore made with ingredients from his own garden. Looking forward to it. He’s a good cook. Another new pal has offered up his swimming pool for late-night skinny-dipping but so far it has been too cool in the evening to stay in for more than a few minutes. Would be nice if another heat wave struck before fall sets in, just for that reason.

Not much else to report on at present. Currently tending to laundry while waiting for the time to roll around to head back out to work. Tonight’s plans are set. Tomorrow remains up in the air. Tuesday evening is girl’s night out at the coffee shop to play cards. Learned a new dice game at my local watering hole last night. And on and on this lazy late summer ambles to a close…

I’ll leave off with a song that’s been playing in my mind a great deal in recent weeks, “Love Reign O’er Me” by The Who:

I needed to believe in something

A song I posted on here recently that just sticks in mind nearly constantly since stumbling coming across it a few weeks back on a forum post:

That was The Chemical Brothers with “Believe.”

Gonna let that play in the background while I type tonight.

I desperately need to believe in something. Not religion. Not an ideology. Something bigger and better than any of that. Lord, my soul is hungry. There must be more to life than I am capable of comprehending at this juncture. And I can feel it…I know it’s out there. Feel glimpses of it regularly. Feel inspired by it. Yet still have myself shackled against my own will or, more accurately, due to a conflicted will.

Year after year…yes, I know. Still plugging away at it, just that perhaps the answers seem too easy for me to accept and embrace just yet. Keep thinking I’ll get on that tomorrow. Tomorrow. Always the next day. Later on.

How sick at heart does a person need to get? That’s another question I ponder regularly enough. Stupid question since it’s an obvious call to action going unheeded. See it, hear it, feel it in my core…and yet don’t follow it. Keep preparing to do so, and keep falling back. Nobody’s fault but mine, I understand that. Just sayin’ is all.

Already tried to believe in some things that proved to be toxic. Once bitten, twice shy. Hungry for something bigger than that and am realizing that I have to create it for my own self. Looked everywhere and gleaned plenty of useful information and ideas, yet what I am seeking specifically appears to not exist or at least has eluded me thus far. Been searching for many years.

This winds up being one of those things that prompts a person to comprehend that every life problem a human can experience doesn’t necessarily eventually deliver one to an intellectual or even seemingly rational answer. Because that’s not all there is to life, or those tools don’t tap into this aspect of life I’m struggling with and against and am striving to point to here. It’s little, if anything, to do with numbers or politics or anything that might be considered tangible. Have I flown the coop? Perhaps. And perhaps a person needs to in order to get to the next level, in order to view things and operate in a different way. Humans are strange creatures — that’s never been a secret. But what we’re aiming to become nowadays very often proves to be a limiting and limited version of ourselves.

Yet it remains so incredibly easy to fall back into established habits, vices. To lean where you ought not, or at least not so much. To seek comfort instead of doing the work you already damn-well know you ought to be attempting. To let thoughts of that comfort distract you more often than not. To fight the internal resistance…call it a demon or a gremlin, call it whatever you like…that self-destructive tendency that apparently is oh-so-common. Nobody else can fix it for you. Nobody else can save you from yourself. Or save you from mediocrity and boredom and deflatedness.

My internal critic is a jabberbox. Many in my family are critics too. Some of the people I associate with are as well and many more were in the past. But that cannot be helped really. Gotta just muster up enough determination to drive on through all that. What am I trying to do here? What will I someday regret having not attempted? I already know the answer there or at least enough to know which steps to take next. And yet, still I’ve been holding myself back as if I’m waiting on something. Waiting. Reconsidering. Re-approaching such matters. Re-examining. Pursuing more information and ideas, as goes on and on. Can get lost in them sometimes too though. Can prove to be a distraction in their own right if one can’t pull up and find ways of taking direct action. To simply fucking DO IT. To stop talking about it and GO. To finally feel sick enough that the walls inside cave in and no other choice is left. But why wait for rock bottom? Has it not already nearly arrived? Is the call not loud enough yet already?

Motivation remains the sticking point. Nevermind what so many others happen to be motivated by. Go out and volunteer is the common kick-start offered up to people stuck in ruts. Since contributing to others is supposed to be the remedy to internal ailings. Yes and no. Can be. But sometimes a person needs to find better ways to nourish themselves before they can be of much use to others. Beyond that, what cause is the most pressingly worth pursuing? America’s Left/Right paradigm has had my head spinning for many years already. Done dealing much directly with politics. That ship has sailed. And yet it’s everywhere, dominating so many conversations, infiltrating where it’s not wanted or even of any value. But that’s the world we live in. I’ve grown to hate that shit, and yet it’s seemingly inescapable. That’s not where I’m fixin’ to start again, though will probably occasionally still circle back around it since there’s really no way to ignore that aspect of modern reality. Because everything has been deemed political, even that which shouldn’t be. The personal is political, they like to say. And boy, they’ve worked hard to make that come to be.

Fuck ’em and their laws, I keep telling myself. Observe the ones you must, but damn…  It closes in on people faster than we like to realize. Guess I’m rendered extremely nervous by that shit. Too many pitfalls and booby traps.

But I continue telling myself “fuck ’em.” Have to. Need to learn to say “fuck it” far more often in areas that keep troubling my spirit. Because there ain’t nothing I can do about some of that. Will just be whatever it’s going to be regardless of my thoughts on the matter. All I have control over is this flesh I was born with. It’s all I really got. All that any of us truly possesses, assuming we even truly possess that. That’s the most power we’re afforded in this life. It’s our vehicle, plain and simple. This we get to navigate. Can’t navigate everybody else, though people surely do love to try. Will never work, at least not as some hope. Backfires. Destined to do so.

Was listening to an interview of Jordan Belfort earlier where he talked about how the first thing a person needs is a vision. And it is that particularly which I’m still struggling with at present. Goals mean how much outside of a greater vision? But perhaps a vision can develop over time. Perhaps the initial steps themselves are most relevant right now. That last bit I am pretty damn certain is true. Hopefully the vision will come in its own time if I first work more diligently in a better direction.

To be “good” or “bad”…that remains the question…

These terms continue to confuse me. And not for a lack of trying to sort it all out.

Look, I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re all mixed and that that necessarily is the case. Should one give into the so-called “dark side” or pursue “the Light”? I haven’t the foggiest clue anymore. Depends on what we mean by dark and light is all I can say on the matter at this time.

Plenty of which I’ve pursued during my life may be categorized by a good many as “bad,” as “dark”, as “self-destructive.” But I tend to take issue with this assumption, particularly when they’re merely offering some surface assessment. Continue reading

Adaptation vs. Authenticity

That’s a perennial concern for me. How and what extent to adapt to whatever and where to walk a different path regardless of what others may say or do. I struggle on this tightrope daily and too often wind up missing the mark on both accounts and disappointing myself in the process.

Adaptation and conformity is very seductive in that it brings the promise of acceptance by the herd. Or at least that’s the lure. Probably won’t wind up accepted in the end by many either way since humans are so damned fickle. But that road advertises itself as easier, more automatic, less lonely and alienating, less thought-provoking and challenging, more entertaining, etc. But how much of that winds up being an illusion? From what I can tell, most of it.

Authenticity, on the other hand, comes across as a hazy question, an ambiguous journey with no clear destination capable of being mapped and pointed out. It’s murky and cloudy and uncertain and fraught with challenges to one’s character, integrity and courage. It exacts a toll that is paid through personal growth and introspection, which oftentimes is accompanied by suffering since that’s how growth comes about. And it promises to separate one off from the herd, leaving you possibly feeling destitute and emotionally and socially disenfranchised. High cost there.

But losing oneself in familiar comforts and trying to appease the masses by plastering on a fake smile and pretending all is right with the world and censoring our thoughts and words so as not to generate too much thinking in others which they might find disagreeable is a high cost too in the long run. Because that’s asking you to sacrifice yourself and your unique attributes and perspective in order to fit in and not rock the boat.

So the cost is high either way you turn, one way or another. Either pay now or pay later seems to be the universe’s message in this delightful paradox. Pay with your life one way or pay with your life another. Either way though, payment will be shaken out of you somehow. You can opt for the easy way or the hard way. And, naturally, the easy way winds up being the lazy option and therefore will be accompanied by delayed consequences on down the road.

I know these things, and yet I try to escape knowing them time and again. Why? Because I am a stubborn human being. Continue reading