Looking forward to no longer being a hypocrite

Honestly, another aspect of this recent car accident event in my loved one’s life is how it shines the light back on us. Seriously bugs me that it does, but it does.

I’ve driven while intoxicated on numerous occasions, truth be told. Over the legal limit probably the majority of the time I’ve returned home from a bar outing. Don’t doubt it. As was/is the case for most folks I know who hang out in bars, plus plenty who drink at home and then head out to the grocery store for something or to the gas station or a friend’s house and whatnot. It’s actually quite common. We all know it’s dangerous and wrong and potentially fatal, and yet it goes on all the time. Even among the retirees who hit the bars earlier in the day and then clog up traffic by driving below the speed limit afterward. Or the folks returning from their golf outings — almost always lit up on the course before heading to their favorite watering holes to tie on a few more. I see it going on all the time. Observed it for years here and in other cities I’ve lived in prior.

It’s so common that for some folks I’d venture to say it’s the norm, at least in the evenings once work is completed.

This has always given me mixed feelings where on one hand I don’t wish to acknowledge this fact since so many others like to downplay how frequently they do the same, making me look like one of the supposed few who actually has a problem. Au contraire. Other folks are just better liars, I swear on that. But when I admit it aloud, even among my fellow drinkers whom I’ve watched leave out of bars on countless occasions so drunk I’m surprised they made it out of the parking lot, I’m given the cold shoulder. We’re not supposed to talk about that, at least not unless it involves a funny story. Supposed to all quietly sweep that one under the rug. Or call an Uber if your conscience troubles you. But just do not talk about it.

Well, it gets brought up sometimes, and not always by me but by someone teasing me or somebody else for how messed up we were the night before. It’s a big joke to some folks. And so long as people laugh, such talk is tolerated. Only becomes a problem when someone says “Damn. I’m fucking up. I don’t recall even driving home.” Then we’re either given some dismissive advice about how we maybe should try to drink a little less next time or call a cab or whatever, or we’re just ignored. Ramblings of drunks is all it amounts to. Nobody really seems to care that much in those atmospheres, though some bars do care once they’ve had their liquor licenses threatened.

What I’m getting at here is it matters not whether it’s discussed, it still occurs frequently and across all kinds of people from all different kinds of backgrounds. Middle-class, working-class, all races, both sexes, young, old, middle-aged — you name it. We all somewhere inside fear a wreck or DUI/OWI, yet we still drove ourselves home after drinking time and time and time again. That’s a fact. Even if we feel bad about doing so, we still did so. It’s the norm among many, if not most, drinkers, especially heavy drinkers. Unless they can walk home, but even that decision is usually prompted by already receiving a DUI/OWI in the past.

I do listen to people and observe what’s going on and always have. People tell me plenty, and it’s not hard to see who’s jacked up.

Last year, I ran over a road sign one late night while driving home from a bar. Couldn’t even locate which one I hit either since other people had hit signs that same night so a couple were down and one other was sideways. Yeah, not proud of that. If I could hit a frickin’ road sign, I could’ve hit anything else. Snapped me wide awake when I hit the sign, and yet the next day I could not figure out which one it was. And that was over a year, maybe 1.5 years ago by now. Learned to Uber more for a while there, but eventually I resumed driving myself home. Never had that problem again since, and hadn’t done that before, but the risk was always there.

Do you know how many people do that sort of shit and just don’t like to admit it? Have a look at regular barhounds’ cars sometime and take note of the damaged spots. Much of that is from drunk driving incidents. Sometimes they’ll tell you stories about how it happened if you’re sitting in a bar with them while they’re feeling chatty, but I doubt they’d admit it to the outside world. Because it’s frowned upon. Forces us to reckon with our own poor choices and behaviors, which is a definite downer. Few care to acknowledge these matters openly partly because it’s frickin’ embarrassing. Though in the barscene people do tend to be more open about the times they’ve been nabbed by the cops. Maybe because they perceive that as some sort of injustice, or they know so many others have been in the same situation before and therefore are willing to commiserate over it. I’ve heard countless stories along these lines over time. Always prided myself on being among the seeming few who has never been dealt a DUI/OWI, though that’s been due to luck more than anything else.

Yet I’ve also heard some of these parents chide their adult children WHILE AT THE BAR DRINKING for getting picked up by the cops or damaging their vehicles. As if we’re in any position to talk. We get onto one another for the very same crime we’re guilty of. Seems the logic there is that if we don’t get caught and don’t wreck, then no harm, no foul. I’ve adopted that logic myself on numerous occasions. But still, it’s bugged me over time. Nags and gnaws at me. Kinda makes me feel like a bit of a cretin in society. Forces me to worry about hitting a pedestrian or another car or getting stopped by the cops and winding up jeopardizing my job as a result. Not to mention my finances, or my conscience. Yet when you’re drunk, you don’t care. That’s what alcohol is good for: to make you care less. The next day we might reflect and feel ashamed and/or scared over the ride home the night before, but pour a little more booze in you the next night and you’ll be right back at it again. And again and again.

Caused me to feel like a hypocrite over time. Because I am. How can I worry about college students drinking too much and getting behind the wheel when we older folks aren’t doing much better? Just have more experience under our belts, that’s it. Because we’ve done it more often. Misplaced confidence in our own capabilities while intoxicated.

Feeling like a hypocrite unnerves me. Hard to stake a moral claim on something being wrong and unacceptable when I do it too. And when I hung out in places where practically everybody did it too, nightly. Gotta state it plain.

Looking forward to the future and being free of at least one area in my life where I proved to be a hypocrite. Two weeks (sans one day) and counting…

“Spiritual (Existential) Suffering”

A very good video by Professor Anton:

On the topic of agency, yes, that’s the word I ought to stick with too instead of saying “free will.” Thought about that in relation to videos I’ve created, wishing I hadn’t put it like I did, because none of us are truly and fully free. Our minds are impacted by so much around us, by our families and wider communities and greater society and other societies, by art and popular media and music, by laws and expectations foisted upon us, by the environment and our own inborn limitations, etc. So the word “agency” holds much more water here and gets the idea across more accurately that we do possess however much power and can choose to whatever extent to act on it.

The rest of the video hit on so many good points. On the topic of the afterlife, I’ve personally never had a whole lot of use for the notion, though I do play with the idea at times. My Grandma very strongly believes in heaven and has a tough time imagining hardly anyone winding up in hell after dying, her Christian views being a bit more compassionate and merciful than what we typically see in the mainstream. But the way she tells it is you have to work on improving conditions in this life where you’re able so as to be admitted to heaven, or to at least have “God” be proud of you and satisfied with what you’ve tried to do. That’s an important aspect of the religion that unfortunately seems to be falling to the wayside now that people are jumping on the Evangelical bandwagon that directs more attention toward recruiting more followers and impacting legislation. In the case of the Evangelicals many seem to believe they are simply destined to a heaven in the afterlife due to asking their “Lord” for forgiveness, and I used to watch the hypocrisy in this assumption play out in my hometown down South where people would behave awful toward one another all week, spreading lies and gossip, fighting and fucking each other’s partners, then go into church on Sundays and ask forgiveness, only to walk out feeling like they have a clean slate they can go back to scribbling hell on. That’s a damaging way of looking at it and it lets people off the hook, so to speak. And it’s attitudes like that that poison what remains of major religions.

But me personally, I won’t claim to know anything one way or the other about the afterlife, assuming there is such a thing. For all I know our souls will wind up reincarnated into other lifeforms, or perhaps will dim with our dying bodies and serve the earth as worm food. I’m okay with either possibility. But we won’t know until we’re there, and by then it’s too late to come back to share the news with others. So, I do tend to turn my attention to right here on earth and the question of what it would mean to create hell or heaven on earth. In my thinking, hell appears like a much more concrete reality than heaven — as in the formation of hell being well within our grasps. Whereas I see heaven as more of an ideal we aspire toward and perhaps can never fully arrive at, and that’s okay, because it’s through that striving and the diligence required that our lives become infused with meaning and purpose, both individually and collectively. In other words, the notion of creating a sort of heaven on earth calls for vigilance and a mind toward both justice and mercy, and that means challenging ourselves deeply and honestly as well as one another. Heaven in this sense becomes about a process, not a place or a destination. It’s a working toward that if we don’t remain mindful of, we default back to heading in the other direction which culminates in the creation of hell on earth.

Think about it like this: hell can be brought about by not giving a damn, by not lifting a finger, by walking right past injustices without caring to take notice, by allowing apathy to block our hearts and minds. We can create hell by simply being selfish to the point of ceasing caring about the welfare of others, or by trying to force our will onto all others. This is what is meant by the idea that the paths leading to hell are wide and varied, as opposed to the path leading to heaven being narrow. This proverbial path to aspire toward the creation of heaven on earth requires effort, introspection, and care taken, whereas we can travel on the roads to hell as passive passengers. Do you see how that works? The formation of something like heaven on earth can’t be achieved by sitting back and doing nothing or by hiding our heads in the sand, though such approaches can easily help push us toward creating hell. Different paths calling for totally different strategies and levels of cognizance. At least that’s how I’ve come to see it.

But then I try never to forget that the road to hell can also be paved with good intentions. What this means, I think, is that we can be misguided and biased and thereby blind to the potential consequences of what we’re aiding and abetting. Plenty of ideas seem good on the surface, but when we scratch deeper we realize how dangerous they might be if manipulated in the hands of people lacking integrity and fortitude and who are more interested in serving their own selves at the expense of others.

A modern example of this was president George W. Bush expanding the powers of the executive branch of government disproportionately, under the guise of protecting our nation after the 9/11 attacks. For plenty of people, many in my own family, this seemed to them the right thing to do at the time, and they turned away from the warnings that future presidents will be able to utilize that expanded power as well, and that once power is attained it does not concede itself. Meaning future presidents might be tempted to use such power in even more horrific ways, and that sets up an even tougher battle for citizens going forward to get a leash back on our governmental system. Now, I could go deep and wide into this topic and level all sorts of criticisms against G.W. Bush and Obama and other presidents who came before them who also helped paved the way for this, but I’ll save that for another time. The important point here is that knee-jerking into going along with self-serving schemes in the short-run can lead to travesties on down the line, and this is why we must remain vigilant and strive to become as well-rounded as we’re able in order to seek balance in our minds so that we can question our motives and intentions and protect the principles that matter most. And we Americans have roamed a long ways from home in that respect.

Hell, for me, involves slavery of various forms because humans wind up reduced down to utilitarian value — objects serving others’ ends. This necessarily causes me to be critical of any and all economic schemes and political setups, as well as the direction of civilizations in general. And it is because of considerations like this that I dream of what I’ve referred to as “10,000 communities and clans going their own ways,” because it opens up so many possibilities and allows for innovative approaches to governance and trading and resource allocation and utilization. A one-size-fits-all, top-down approach cannot do this — it is authoritarian by its very nature and morphs to become totalitarian as more and more power is centralized. It is forceful and coercive and demands conformity, even (or perhaps especially) when it is corrupt and leading its citizens toward demise.  I try to dream outside of that box in wondering what power we might have and how we might could use it going forward. How we might create saner lives through the formation of saner communities that are held together by saner objectives.

But when societal change doesn’t look likely to occur in a real and positive way during my lifetime, I turn my attention to what I’m doing and who I’m affecting — what is within my sphere of influence. And here I’ve made many mistakes and hurt myself and others, and it is a very heavy burden to carry. But I believe if we hold on to one another with love, that’s something. If we can help one another get through this life and do what we need to do and stand up for what we need to stand up for, that’s something, and it isn’t trivial. Gotta start somewhere. Even when we fail, gotta get back up and gotta keep walking on. Nobody promised us a rose garden… If we don’t grow it, who will? If we don’t try, who might? If we can’t love, we’ll never fully appreciate the “thou” in ourselves and others. And without that, the sacred is diminished and we keep sliding toward hell on earth.

The bitterness and pain is nearly impossible to block out some days, but it’s not a punishment put on us so much as it’s just a fact of life that calls for a courageous response, hard as that is. So much is easier said than done, especially when we do not know where to apply our efforts and we’re injured so thoroughly spiritually and psychologically that all we want is comfort and escapism. That’s the present dilemma as I see it. It’s a tough call, and courage doesn’t come easy. We suffer, yet we have to be mindful of how pain pays forward. We have to be mindful of what we’re doing if ever we are to break the chain so as to create something else in its place. And we do need support from one another as we reckon with this reality and what it’s asking of us. That boils it back down to being about love and recognizing the needs of the soul (as Prof. Anton mentioned, the difference between “sickness of the soul” and “health of the soul”).

Unfortunately some folks out there are too embittered to do anything but laugh at a message such as this, believing it to be naive rambling of little consequence. But they likely are blind and biased — there is no reasoning with them. If they are to be won over, if that’s even a possibility, it will have to come through our works commanding respect. Basically showing them another way so that they might be touched by it and not just words on the subject. This is why love matters — it’s about devoting time and energy to one another, trying to learn more about one another, honoring the inherent worth of one another, and thereby creating a draw for cooperation going forward. If we continue trying to use one another to serve our own ends, we harm each other and break people’s spirits and cause them to distrust us, because they know underneath it all we do not really care about them. They are just fodder intended to serve our own interests and nothing more, and that is a form of slavery. If others recognize themselves as disposable in our eyes, we have harmed their spirit and undermined their value and contributions, and that is not fair. More than that, it’s poisonous and generates apathy in people aiming to escape that sort of reality. And on and on it will go until we pay heed and work toward breaking the chain as we are able.

It is a very sad day over here, so I expect to do a lot of writing in days to come. This is my therapy, my reaching out, my attempt to connect my dreams and understandings with others. Something tells me this is the only way to heal what ails us, and a broken heart goes a long way in demonstrating how painful existence can be. Life’s hard enough and always will be, so I try in my own way to strike at the root of those entities and systems that are proving toxic and further damaging to our social relations. It’s all I know to do at this point in my life, small as my ambitions may appear. But I am one person, and this is my life, and these are my loved ones, and dammit, we do matter. We work with what we have.

Changes

A personal update: Been a long month. Been a long summer. Been a long year. Happens like that sometimes. Things get heavy. Sometimes it’s even your own damn fault. Sometimes I get to be the asshole, I get to play the part of “bad guy.”

Living and learning.

And what can you do about that? Takes time for things to turn around, even under the best of circumstances. And yes, of course, things could always be worse, as we all know. This is not the end of the world, this is just a tough spell, but things are improving. Turning over some new leaves. Making necessary changes. Keeping the faith and “nerdling” toward a better position. [Note: “Nerdle” is a term conjured up my boyfriend to describe my “nerdy turtle” tendencies. In other words, I apparently qualify as a slow nerd. Ha!] Not everything will happen overnight, and this isn’t the beginning of this transformation process — just another leg in an ongoing journey. This is an opportunity to redouble my efforts and to reassess what all I expect from myself and wish to explore in this life from this moment forward.

Everything winds up being a learning experience in the end. Down certain avenues I’ve seen enough. But change doesn’t come easy and we all have a tendency to gravitate toward what we’re most familiar with. The problem with aiming to change oneself isn’t only identifying where you’ve fucked up or pondering on what a better outcome might look like, but rather it’s figuring out how to get there. It’s the steps needing to be taken along the way that I’m still figuring out.

So, yeah, times like these demand comedic entertainment and lighter-hearted distractions. And a few beers in the evenings when time permits. There’s a time to be a go-getter, and there’s a time to stop and spend time with yourself and to think deeply about all that needs to be thought about. And that requires mental breaks sprinkled throughout, to add levity and keep it all in perspective.

That’s what I understand right about now.

Haters will hate. That’s a fact of life. People like to bark about what others ought to be doing at any given time, dictating how they think they should be living. Flinging guilt trips where able. People say to one another that we should be activists out there running around in the streets, holding signs and getting angry, screaming about how we demand change. Others content themselves with at least playing the role of online activists, spreading their messages far and wide, shaming and harassing those they feel deserve it. Doesn’t strike me as a particularly productive use of one’s time, but hey, folks can knock themselves out. The people who make the greatest impression on me both online and offline aren’t always necessarily witty or the smartest, but they come across as having heart. And if they’ve got that, there’s something to be worked with.

Much of the rest are just spewing frustration and rage. And much of that gets misplaced on people who appear to be standing in opposition to us. But are they really? Are their motives automatically sinister? Are they completely lacking in rationality and civility? What makes us so sure that they know what they’re doing any better than we do? And what makes us so sure we know what the hell we’re really doing? I don’t know about all of you, but life’s affected me every step of the way. Amazing the difference a decade can have on your outlook, or even a couple crazy years. Everything we do in this life impacts us, shapes us, opens or closes the door on so many future opportunities. We may not possess 100% free will, but we possess enough of it to where we can’t help but be responsible for a good bit of who we become and how we act. And I’m writing as a bit of a hypocrite, admittedly, but that’s understood already. Who isn’t a hypocrite? And do we remain as such if we’re able to be honest with ourselves and, to whatever extent, others? No human is an island, and like that Brodie man mentioned in the Memes audiobook I uploaded clips from, we exist in constant conflict between what others expect of us and what our own selfish interests try to lead us to. Welcome to the human conundrum.

Rambling periodically is good for some of our souls. I’ll aim to edit this post tomorrow. Out.