Personal thoughts on an early Thursday morning in spring 2017

Got to thinking about my dad tonight. And by that I mean my ex-stepdad who was the only dad I’ve ever known. Had Papa (my grandpa) as my other and predominant father figure. But they both had a major influence.

While writing the last post I got to thinking if my dad had been quizzed would he even know how many schools I’ve attended? Nine (excluding one other for a short spell in the first grade in MS). He didn’t have that kind of life. Neither did my mother. Neither did my little brother who began attending a private school in the first grade that he attended until graduation. Totally different lives. Can make it hard to relate at times.

Don’t wonder if my mother knows since I doubt she’d ever care.

Somehow it all went this way. And that’s okay, or at least it simply is what it is. Nobody promised us a rose garden. Yet, that which sets us apart is also what provides us a unique perspective. At least in theory. Heh

I’m not mad at them. My life has been interesting, to say the least. Hope it continues to be so. Probably would help if I left bars alone for the most part, particularly that one mentioned already that sucks. Don’t have enough patience for all that. Better to sit alone than deal with jackasses and jerks. Though I do like to visit with my pals who aren’t assholes. It’s a conundrum where my “dark side” or gremlin (as I prefer to call it) keeps winning out. Totally destructive aspect of my being, and I do recognize it. That’s my battle at present. Fed the wrong wolf for too long apparently. Certainly not proud of that. But such is life. Better to see it for what it is than remain willfully blind.

Been seeing that for a while now though. Won’t pretend I haven’t. The “dark side” definitely has its intoxicating effects. Been here for so long that it seems to be in my nature. And maybe it is, intrinsically.

Life is crazy, life is mad…  So what’s your destiny? Take it, take it in your hands. To paraphrase a beloved Enigma song.

And so be it.

Early morning ponderings on common core education and an update

Stayed in last night and remained totally sober after my situation the other night. That sucked. Knee is still healing and will be for a while. Partly my fault but to hell with any guy who plays that rough with a woman while drunk. Given up that bar for at least the month of June and perhaps forevermore considering that sort of shit is allowed to go on there and seems to be celebrated as spectacle. Already heard it from my close guyfriend and my former and a couple other bar-pals from another location who encourage me to leave that shit alone.

Ever since my last bar closed in March I have been set adrift with nowhere new to land and set down roots. Have also been frequenting another local bar that’s far less busy yet calm and not known for drama. That other watering hole was a hell of a place, and I had been warned in advance. Proved too rough and tumble for me. Hence why so few women like to go in there alone. I’m just not cut out for a joint like that, despite it being so close to my home. In past years I typically avoided it and only on rare occasion went in for a beer or two and stayed to myself on the end, usually when particularly ticked off at my former partner and not wanting to head to my usual bar. That’s all it ever was to me until my bar closed. Gave it a try — unable to assimilate to the atmosphere there, particularly late in the evening. Just too no-holds-barred. The lawyer that owns the joint doesn’t much care about it or what goes on in it, so says everybody. Only interested in money and the police not being called over incidents occurring there. C’est la vie. Didn’t pan out for me there. I don’t have the patience to put up with bullshit when I’m spending money to go out and relax.

So I headed to the other calmer local watering hole this evening and met up with a buddy there. Because I apparently am not interested in pursuing full sobriety at present. Right or wrong. This buddy in question seems pretty smitten, albeit a bit too clingy. Says he’s been married 3 times already. Wow. Not a whole lot older than me. Has one child out of the mix, which he’s involved in serious court battles over at present. Likes to get on to me for not being more of an advocate for fathers or children and whatever else. Because, ya know, those of us who opted to not have kids should totally concern ourselves with yours. Feels like tangling with an MRA sometimes.

He was complaining tonight about the common core curriculum being introduced in schools these days. Yeah, it sucks. I’ve looked into it and detest it, particularly what I’ve viewed pertaining to mathematics. Absolute waste of time, IMO. Told him your options are either to try to change the educational curriculum (with the aid of other parents who feels as you do), put your daughter in a private school (assuming they don’t teach common core there), or figure out how to home-school (or at least supplement school teachings with home lessons). To which he got all haughty and threw a fit because he’s paid property taxes for over a decade at his house and he’ll be damned if that money is all for naught. Hey man, I’m just stating your options. Didn’t make the rules and I didn’t change the curriculum. I personally was pissed when they first talked about doing away with phonics however many years ago. Been disinterested in the education system as a whole ever since, particularly after being subjected to 9 different schools across 3 states before dropping out and getting my GED at the beginning of the 11th grade (circa 1998). Went on to attend the university (and rack up student loan debt) — three actually across three states — and eventually graduated from all of that in 2008. Done dealing with formal education.

My own educational experiences at least have been varied enough to where I gained a bit of a perspective on how much schools can and do differ. Mississippi is known for having the lowest and poorest educational system in the nation. Alabama was a little better, depending on what school you attended. Nebraska proved to be a step up, at least until high school. Attended three years overall at private schools in two Southern states during my k-11 education as well, so I am somewhat familiar there too.

Anyway, he wanted to argue and get irritated because I recommended homeschooling. Well, either you provide your child’s education or you, as the parent, at least supplement it, but if you choose to allow the schools to provide ALL of your child’s education, you’re a fool. That is my firm opinion. Placing way too much trust in these schools while knowing that they are teaching a crazy curriculum that is confusing and likely to hinder your child’s understanding of the subject matter, particularly in mathematics.

Need examples? Here ya go:

I don’t hate it, just don’t find it appropriate on its own, especially for the youngest ages whom I prefer to see the traditional algorithms taught before later moving on to this sort of breakdown as supplementary material. But I don’t have kids and therefore apparently don’t have a dog in that fight.

Still, it’s complicated for young minds whereas memorizing traditional algorithms is less so. First learn the facts of the matter, then later learn the details as to WHY. Because our brains can only comprehend so much when young. Memorization and shorthand is easier at an early age than complex, behind-the-scenes explanations as to how that answer was derived.

At least that’s how it strikes me. Hence why folks need to properly educate their own children more and more if the schools refuse to do so. I don’t like the situation any more than any parent, but THIS is what you’re currently up against. Whether you like it or not. Reason #243 for why I opt to not have kids. Yes, it’s bullshit, I agree. BUT you bred in this day and age, knowing shit has been going insane since the 1960s (or at least should have some sort of inkling in that direction), and now have kids subjected to the bureaucratic nightmare known as the U.S. education system, particularly public schools (and most especially those in low-income areas, rural and urban). Welcome to it. Yes, it indeed does suck. I wouldn’t want to be subjected to any further bullshit beyond what I experienced during schooling in the ’80s and ’90s — yet, here we are as a society, dealing with an even more defunct education system in this country. Not improving. Why? Lots of reasons. Not an easy topic to tackle.

But a big problem certainly is NOT due to learning to carry over numbers in multiplication problems and comprehending in your head what the adding of zeros below means, now claiming that tried-and-true methods are somehow too complex for young minds to grasp. What young minds? Which ones? I’d like to see a breakdown of who this actually entails, specifically among elementary students. Math scores tend to drop as youths approach and enter high school, which many believe is more of a cultural matter than anything else (i.e., teen peers and the wider “pop” culture encourage kids to not appreciate Math and English and whatever else because that’s supposedly nerd behavior, which we all know is deemed lame). I know. I went through it too. So did plenty of others. Just ask around. Nerds aren’t en vogue in middle or high schools typically. And most especially among certain sub-cultures, excluding many Asian students.

We know this shit. And yet we can’t seem to communicate it to one another effectively as often as needed. This man got mad at me, called my idea of home-schooling “stupid” repeatedly, and got all indignant over how much he’s already paid in property taxes before his daughter even entered school. Yeah, well, tough titty said the kitty. What does a man like that expect me to tell him to remedy his plight? Tried relating that property taxes are obviously computed into my rent by my landlord (i.e., we all pay property taxes), but he dismissed that as not counting. Guess only home-owners get to weigh in on this one. And parents.

Yet people still wonder why I choose not to involve myself in matters pertaining to kids? Parents freak out if you’re not 100% in line with their way of thinking. He actually agreed with me by and large but couldn’t cease reacting long enough to figure that out until several minutes had passed in our conversation. Got all self-righteous at the start. Parents like to do that, from my experience. Just prone to do so. Can’t take criticism well, which I can understand to a degree, but damn. It’s not even criticism of you personally, just taking a look at your options.

You as a parent are unhappy with what your child is taught in school.

SO…your choices are:

1.) Tolerate it anyway (and keep bitching while doing little to nothing to alter the situation)

2.) Change what your child is being taught (via lobbying your school boards and whatever else)

3.) Send your child to a different school that doesn’t teach what you’re objecting to (likely at a high financial cost)

4.) Home-school your child so that you can control their curriculum to the best of your ability (though standardized testing from the state remains in force)

5.) OR, supplement your child’s learning with what you deem more valuable and/or preferable so that they learn other approaches to material (which requires a great deal more effort and time on the part of parents)

THOSE are your options. Other than not having kids in the first place, tell me what your other options might be. I can’t think of any.

So when parents get pissed off at me for weighing in and not sounding like I am 100% in accord with whatever their positions are, I have to say rubbish. These are your options and YOUR kids. I can only tell you what I theoretically would be inclined to do, but I am not in your position and therefore am not burdened with that conundrum. Which seems to tick parents off for some reason, probably the mere fact that I am not having to endure this experiment alongside them.

That’s something I run up against time and time and time again. Beginning to think parents are just jealous of those of us who don’t have kids. Because, yes, life is simpler. Might be more shallow too, I don’t doubt it, at least compared up against parents who care (since not all do, as news stories regularly enough attest to). Probably good for most folks to have families and give a damn about them and find ways to improve their children’s odds of succeeding in life. If that’s your thing, go for it. Please don’t breed if you’re not going to give a damn about your kids and show it in meaningful ways. That’s my only request, though it falls on blind eyes and deaf ears since only a caring potential parent would heed such a moral request. But it’s a warning too, because those who breed haphazardly without regard for the fathers’ involvement or the child’s genuine welfare are unfortunately out-breeding everybody else. Sad fact of life at present. I don’t like it any more than the rest of you.

Yet some folks out here squawk at people like me, saying we’re selfish assholes for not breeding so as to counteract this trend. LOL  As if it were that easily solved. Already over-populated enough, at least according to my own sensibilities. (Tired of so many of you. Ha! True though.)  We can’t breed ourselves out of this conundrum. Way too easy to do and so incredibly not likely to work. Because I’m not having 6 kids to offset what some welfare-collecting single mom is doing. Nope. Not about to happen. And even if it had happened, my kids likely (possibly?) wouldn’t be raised to be such depraved hooligans that they’d stand much of a chance up against those who are. And I don’t wish to subject my child to that, nor do I want the responsibility of raising a child in the first place. Certainly wouldn’t know how to prepare them for the future, that much I do know. Crazy times ahead. Not going to be pretty. People are going to get hurt and killed in the process of whatever is unfolding politically and socially. Extends way beyond our educational system at this point. Do we not know this?

Yet ya’ll breed. And then complain that life is not conforming to your expectations and wishes. Then you berate people at the bar with no more power to change this shit than you have. And give grief to those of us who don’t have kids since “it must be nice” (Ha! Yes, actually it is. No lie.). We’re a bunch of whiners. Become a nation of assholes and idiots. How long has this been the case? Sixty years? More than that? Yes, it sucks. So much sucks. And what are we going to do about it? Bitch louder? That’s mostly all I hear.

We’re cowards. Proving to be not a whole lot better than the naive Swedes, come to find out. Apparently. This is so far what we’re demonstrating. How many of us will actually step up and in what ways, to what extents? Time will tell…

“Charles Murray on populism, globalization, ‘The Bell Curve,’ and American politics today”

His conversation with Bill Kristol:

Very interesting discussion, after already being familiar with a couple of Dr. Charles Murray’s books and several speeches and interviews.

Pausing at 40:41: It’s taken me a while to come around to the idea, but I can appreciate what he’s suggesting there about a universal basic income. It would replace all other forms of social welfare, including social security payments. His position taken there explains how single mothers would no longer receive any financial incentives from the government for birthing children out of wedlock, which is unarguably a major issue in our country at present. Now, his scheme also requires securing our borders and no longer allowing in low-skill immigrant workers to compete in our workforce, which I would also be on board with. Ideally, it’s not what many of us would envision as a way forward, but we are facing dire straits due to the policies implemented in recent decades, spanning back to the 1960s or before that to FDR’s era. What we do know already is the direction we’re headed for currently is bound to end in national bankruptcy and mass immigration undermining our Western civilizations. So we must start there in considering this matter seriously. Wishful thinking of re-embracing frontier life and simply moving “off the grid” is not a sustainable solution, not for the vast majority of citizens at least.

I am willing to hear the man out and feel his proposal makes a good deal of sense, especially when he is open and willing to critique the globalization scheme we’re all being perpetually threatened by now. Bill Kristol isn’t someone for whom I’ve ever been a fan, but he too claims to be a reformer who’s seen the danger in the G.W. Bush administration and is looking for other alternatives. I will suspend judgment against him if that is truly the case.

My only concern standing would be that people might group up into collectives and then pool their money to afford living expenses while choosing to waste their lives with drugs and whatever else. Which they basically are doing already, so I can’t see why under his proposal it would be any different. But we as a society would have to remain steadfast and disallow these individuals to take advantage of us just because they squandered their own benefits. This is where guns and self-defense tools would remain vital, and we’d have to learn to take them more seriously. Because some people will always seek to take from others rather than earn for themselves, regardless of what they wind up entitled to. That’s just a sad fact of life that we’d be better off coming to grips with sooner vs. later.

But his talk about the advancements in artificial intelligence and driver-less cars is a real concern and certainly will displace thousands, if not millions, of American workers in the decades to come. The mechanics and automotive professionals I’m currently in contact with assure me of this reality. The sooner we prepare, the better off we might be. Might be.

I also appreciate Dr. Murray bringing up the importance of conscientiousness in our jobs. That’s something always worth keeping in mind, especially for those of us who work in unobserved environments. He’s right there, and there’s always somebody else waiting around the corner who can do better what we’re not taking seriously enough.

Tuesday morning journaling

My knees are so jacked. And if I quit falling on them it would probably help immensely. Oy.

Drunken me. Can’t recall everything I got up to last night but know I was in safe company. The night before I was just as bad yet not around the right people. The word was that I took a couple hits in the face by a guy whom I know as a barpal who claimed to want to teach me a couple fighting moves. He’s a married man and ex-cage fighter. Apparently he fucked me up a bit, and publicly. Don’t remember it hardly at all and luckily my face didn’t hurt the next day, though my knee did. My knees have been put through entirely too much over the years. Between walking in snow and ice and being a barhound my poor knees have taken a beating.

Been dealing with idiots for far too long. People can say we’re all equal all they want but the truth is that some are dumber than others. Apparently I give time to retards more often than I should. Thinking their hearts are in the right place, but no, they’re too stupid to behave properly. Hence why a guy, so says the bartender on duty that night, got jabs in on me in my face while claiming to be teaching me something. Didn’t teach me jack, just fucked me up. My fault for trusting the idiot for a minute.

And it’s nights like those when I wonder most about what I am doing in this life.

At least last night I was in safe company, but even still I intended to come home 12 hours ago to eat dinner. Got distracted by alcohol and entertainment, like usual.

I surely am an idiot for allowing my life to become this. No question there.

There are so many things I’d rather share on here, like my reading material, and yet this is what I keep having to report on. Because I’m fucking up, relentlessly. Middle-aged barhound with no direction at present. Just recovering from the past while making stupid decisions day to day.  I know.

Observing people on a Sunday afternoon while at the “beach”

Always strikes me as funny to refer to anything in this land-locked Midwestern state as a “beach,” but that’s what the locals call their riverside recreational area. Nice spot actually. It’s where my best guyfriend likes to go to lay out and catch some rays, so I accompanied him yesterday as I occasionally do.

Loads of families were there, as to be expected. Several couples also. What was interesting to me was the diversity of the crowd. Considering this “flyover state” is known for being white bread, most probably wouldn’t expect to see such a wide spectrum of colors and ethnicities all intermingled. Likely not the case outside of this metro and in the more rural areas, but here we all are in the big city.

A large group of Africans were there, playing in the water off at the end. All seemed pretty friendly. Watched them interact while we were wading in up to our thighs, taking a break to cool off. They have a dramatically emotional flair to them, which I find interesting as a highly emotional person myself. And not a one of them seemed concerned about getting their hair wet, that being a stereotype associated particularly with black women. But these were people of direct African descent, not our stereotypical black Americans.

Speaking of which, farther down the beach I noticed a good-looking black female with a good-looking Asian male. She too didn’t seem concerned about getting her hair wet, which leads me to assume that must’ve been her natural hair. Was very pretty.

A group of Hispanic people were out there too, though I only saw their kids get in the water while the adults remained clothed and chatted amongst themselves near the periphery of the “beach.”

Nearer to our blankets were a black American couple, both middle-aged and very attractive. He was reading a book in his chair while she got in the water. She too had her own natural hair and had no hesitation about swimming or getting sand in it. I like to see people’s natural hair rather than the “hair hats” that Tommy Sotomayor makes such a big deal about. He’s right — weaves have a lot of downsides and not enough upsides to make them worth it. Not being free to swim or even scratch one’s scalp sounds incredibly unappealing.

I bring this up because once it grew time for us to leave about 6:30pm, the parking lot was filling up with black Americans who had arrived. And to be honest, I was glad we were leaving by that point. The weave-wearers had shown up, along with sporting the attitudes many of us have to come to expect from them. Some might say it’s racist to simply state it like that, but I don’t care. The word racist has been played out and rendered meaningless anyway. My main point is that there was a distinct difference between the black folks (mostly African but also a handful of black Americans) who were there in the afternoon versus the black Americans showing up as evening approached. You could see it in their body language immediately.

Each day I ponder on the direction society is headed in, and while I acknowledge that racial identities can be complex and that plenty shouldn’t be judged in accordance with a stereotypical mold, I observe those who epitomize such stereotypes as well. Am not color-blind and won’t pretend to be so. Stupid to expect that from people. We all do notice, whether we’re willing to admit it.

Laying there roasting in the sun, I got to thinking about the Africans I’ve known and how many of them openly disdain our American blacks. Don’t see themselves as belonging to the same in-group at all. They don’t wish to be lumped into that shared category because they see themselves (and their varied nations of origin) as being distinct culturally and unaligned with the American Black narrative. They get frustrated by them. So they opt to self-segregate away from our black Americans. Interesting. I wonder if they too left when the weave-wearers showed up. Perhaps. And would anyone accuse them of racism for doing so?  lol

Nothing wrong with avoiding unnecessary drama.

A part of me feels a bit bad for the (stereotypical) black American currently seeing as how so many of them appear to be ruled by an inferiority complex that leads them to behave and act out in ways that only further confirms the stereotype in the minds of others, resulting in increasing social tensions. It’s set up a conundrum that can’t easily be remedied at this point in history. The past can’t be allowed to fade away since so many feel deeply invested in it, yet ruminating over the past is proving to be bondage in a new way as it’s carried forth into the future. While I can understand the habit of lamenting the past, there’s no way forward if you look out upon all others as racists unceasingly aiming to hold you back. And others don’t care for being viewed that way either, hence why we might walk away. But we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t. If we leave you to it, we’re racist. If we stay and stand our ground, we’re racist. If we tell you what you want to hear, we’re racist. If we speak openly and plainly without putting your feelings first, we’re racist. Surely if we just sit there mute we’re probably still regarded as racist.

People tire of that shit. It’s exhausting to deal with. Feels like mental loops and traps. A rigged game. No longer about individuals interacting but instead an obstacle course where if the right things aren’t said or the right demeanor isn’t displayed, we’re going to be called out, nevermind what’s actually going on in our minds or how much we aimed to not offend. I can’t stand for my motivations to be assumed based on some ridiculous narrative. If you want to know why I say what I say or do what I do, just ask me. Pretty good about speaking straight. Yet this is what we constantly hear these days, these assumptions that everybody out here is motivated by racism. Couldn’t possibly be that we just wish to avoid unnecessary drama that we’ve come to associate with certain types of people. Often it isn’t based on race solely, as demonstrated by people’s openness toward the Africans.

In short, it’s not skin color alone that is the focal point– it’s the attitudes and actions that stereotypically accompany them across however many persons. Yes, white folks can be assholes too, and nobody would claim otherwise. Since some wish to ascribe motivations to those of other races, I’ll feel free to do the same in pointing out what appears to be an inferiority complex among too many black Americans. Inferiority/superiority complex since it swings to wild extremes, even within the same individual. On one hand loudly protesting assimilating into the wider “white-dominated” culture and its laws, while simultaneously wailing about people avoiding them and/or not including them. But when you show up to say that we’re all a bunch of shits who inherently look down upon you, yes, you become a bummer to be around. And when you act as if your feelings should matter more than all else, you’re setting up a one-sided situation where either people won’t be honest with you or, if they are, will only offend you. Which then can turn nasty in an instant.

You tell me who’s got time for that?

We just wanted to enjoy a relaxing day at the “beach” among others doing the same, sans dealing with bullshit and loud attitude problems. The Africans were all cool. The interracial couple were cool. The middle-aged black American couple were cool. All the various shades of “white” folks lying on their towels or playing with their kids were cool. And then…who showed up and brought tension?

It’s not racist to state it plain. If people wish to be perceived differently in the eyes of others, it’s on them to make some changes. But I know too well how hardheaded humans tend to be, particularly those who pander to a grievance industry, so I assume tensions will just keep escalating until greater problems arise. Don’t wish to see that unfold, but how can it be prevented when people don’t wish to take personal responsibility or to compromise? Concessions have already been made, and many of them. The ball is in the other court — can we upgrade this game finally or should we just keep allowing our society to grow divided and hostile?

More tunes for late spring 2017

Grace (Trap City) – “You Don’t Own Me” (ft. G-Eazy) (Candyland Remix):

First time listening to that version of this song tonight.

More from Trap City, DJ Snake & Lil Jon – “Turn Down For What” (Onderkoffer Remix):

Dug that song for a good while now.

Switching gears, a perennial favorite I heard tonight “Reminiscing” by Little River Band:

Very beautiful song. Incites me to actually feel like overcoming my fear and dancing out in public each time I hear it. Gorgeous song.

Atlanta Rhythm Section – “Georgia Rhythm”:

Adore that tune.

That was Atlanta Rhythm Section with “So Into You.” Deeply adore that song for several years running.

To be continued…

Late spring tunes for 2017

Because I need to chill tonight.

“La Grange” by ZZ Top:

Love that tune.

Ted Nugent’S “Stranglehold”:

Long loved that tune too. Mellow albeit slicing at the same time.

X Ambassadors’ “Renegade”:

Arctic Monkeys – “Do I Wanna Know?”:

First heard that from a female bar-pal I met last year. Haven’t seen her in quite a while. Or her ex-husband.

[Update the next day: Weird coincidence. Actually ran into that couple tonight for the first time in many months. Slightly spooky after mentioning them on here yesterday. “Life is crazy, life is mad…” Heh. Such an odd coincidence is what I’m pointing at.]

That was Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats with “S.O.B.”

Absolutely adore that song and accompanying video.

Turnpike Troubadours’ “Before The Devil Knows We’re Dead”:

May we all get to heaven before the Devil knows we’re dead…

Sounds like a worthwhile prayer to me.

Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats – “I Need Never Get Old”:

Adore that tune.

“Motherless Child” by The Blind Boys of Alabama:

A haunting tune…

“Eminence Front” by The Who:

Yet to tire of that tune.

The Who – “Love reign over me”:

Bullshit abounds in the barscene (imagine that)

So irritated this morning after an evening out that shouldn’t have ended on a bad note. You know those bartenders who are all about themselves and their bullshit and not interested in remaining professional toward their clientele? Yeah, me too. Particularly this woman bartender I never had an issue with before last night and am surprised she even acted like she did, and over nothing. My buddy and I had been at another bar up the way and then he needed to go home to sleep for an early workday, so I headed back to the bar closest to my home. Maybe 2 people in the place by that time, including another buddy of mine. They were watching television since no one cared to play the jukebox. So, per my usual role, I put $5 in the jukebox and invited my buddy to play what he wanted (typically heavy metal is his preference). And this lady bartender went off for some reason. Apparently we disrupted her movie or some shit.

She said something to the effect of me always getting what I want. Was very weird. Then she stormed outside. And this is an older woman, not some youngen. Others have told me in the past that she’s going through whatever relationship problems in her personal life, as if that’s an excuse to treat her job like it doesn’t matter. Look, we spend a lot of money at these watering holes and on these overpriced jukeboxes. Like I told her last night, if she wanted to watch her movie all she had to do was request I not play music, which would’ve been fine. Wasn’t even my kind of music. Was playing it for the benefit of us patrons who tire of watching the stupid television in silence. Was a really dumb reason to lose a customer over. Didn’t see that coming.

She’s been rude before to my buddies and one in particular was already upset with her demeanor from earlier in the week. I’ve always been accommodating toward her and polite, so this blindsided me. Had no idea she harbored resentment at me. And for what I don’t even understand. Never acted a fool in her presence (aside from the one time I felt the need to check that ADHD-acting man who regularly comes in there and talks over everybody and starts shit on a whim). And she didn’t say anything that night, however many months ago that was. She waited ’til now to vent her irritation toward me.

Been thinking about it and trying to make sense of her behavior last night. Coming up empty-handed. If she’s upset due to circumstance in her own life, then she shouldn’t take it out on me over nothing. Heaven forbid a customer comes in and plays the jukebox on a dead evening.

You know what I think it is? Cliche as it may sound, I honestly believe the woman is jealous. Not what I want to believe but apparently that’s the case. If she can’t stand up for herself in her own life and resents those who can, that’s her problem, not mine. If I get what I want at times, it’s typically hard-won. People don’t roll out the red carpet for me either. I lay out my arguments and pursue my ends diligently, which perhaps she’s observed. When people give me crap I take up for my interests. I don’t just bottle my resentments until they boil over. I tell people how I feel and what I’m bothered by in their behavior toward me. And if that’s a crime, I don’t know what to say. Guess I’ve grown tired of being walked on in this life and do my best to not allow myself to feel like a victim.

It’s not hard to open your mouth and state your case, but when you act passive-aggressive about shit it helps no one, including yourself. She’s not young enough to be that naive, so I do take this to heart. Always been polite to her and tip well. Deferential toward her even. Well, that ended last night. Didn’t go off on her but I won’t be patronizing that bar on her shifts anymore. Can’t stand to spend this much money at a place where I receive crappy service. Just don’t have it in me to do so, especially when the other bar down the way is glad to have my business.

Just frustrating to deal with that junk out of left field when I didn’t see it coming and over nothing of substance. Played the jukebox, heaven forbid. Not even my music, though most of my bar-fellows request me to play music on a regular basis, hence why I do so as frequently as I do. And it’s not cheap. Typically $1 per song. I have spent over $40 on the jukebox in just the last 2 days between those two locations, and that’s not many plays actually. Only entertains us for a couple hours. And I let others play music on my dime because I like to hear new stuff.

Anyway, no reason to try justifying that since it’s perfectly acceptable for a patron to play music. She has her own issues, whatever they may be. And they don’t deserve to be directed at me. My pal was already frustrated with her lack of professionalism earlier in the week, as I already stated, so we’ll find other places to go instead. He’s a nice guy who always shows her respect, and yet she acts unimpressive in his presence as well. We spend too much money to receive inadequate service when we go out. Costs a small fortune to live this lifestyle when it’d be far cheaper to come back to my place and play music for free and drink brews purchased from the grocery store. Plus I could make us dinner here and we could play board or card games in peace without having to deal with idiots and assholes. If she doesn’t want my business she doesn’t have to deal with it, strange as it is considering how polite and friendly we’ve always been toward her.

So yes, Ms. Bitch Bartender, I do aim to get my way at times. I aim to be treated properly and to not be given a hard time just because you have problems in your own personal life. And my money talks and walks in accordance. Surely it won’t matter to her either way since she prefers to close down early and likely earns all she cares to during the “happy hour” crowd times. Just irritating to come up against that unexpectedly. If she had a problem with me specifically she could’ve spoken to me directly about whatever it was. But if she wishes to pick on someone she’s picked the wrong person. Guess I somehow rubbed her the wrong way, though I honestly don’t know what I could’ve done to set her off. I’m not difficult to reason with, so it was on her to come to me if she had an issue gnawing at her, but instead she chose to throw a childish fit for no good reason that I could see. Not cool. She’s too old to behave like that and receive a pass. Though the other patron whom I let play music on my dime immediately went to her side and sat consoling her afterward as though she somehow deserved that. Blew my mind. I do not understand women sufficiently apparently.

I am frustrated. That was uncalled for and inappropriate. Sometimes I get the feeling the gods are toying with me and trying to make bar outings less fun so that I will redirect my attention to more productive endeavors, which is fine if that’s the case. Probably for the best. Just irritating as of right now. Went to the gym yesterday for the second time this week, getting back into all of that, and was feeling pretty good. My buddy and I typically keep to ourselves for the most part and quietly converse. We’re not problems for others. So if she wants to behave that way then it’s on her. I truly have no patience for dealing with shitty bartenders. There are too many options in this town, and I do not understand those people who act like they have to deal with this junk because they prefer a certain locale. I am not beholden to any business, and yes, it is a business, not simply a watering hole. It’s intended to be fun and relaxing for the patrons, and when it no longer serves that function what good is it?

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Update a couple days later: Cooled off since. Not hating the woman, just tired of shitty customer service in general. Yes, important to sweep one’s own porch and tend to cleaning our own rooms before lobbing too much criticism at others. Agreed. But in doing so I will no longer aid in promoting the income of assholes so far as I can help it directly. Not about hating, just tired and fed up with unnecessary drama. Including that which I too have been responsible for creating and/or stoking.

We humans are truly mind-blowing. Period. Point blank. Even in our subtle, passive-aggressive moves. Perhaps especially there.

Anyway, it is what it is. Worked out at the gym 3 times so far this week, for nearly an hour or more each time. Happy about that. And it felt good overall, other than straining my hamstrings the first time out. Remembered to stretch more afterward. Still, been a good week in that regard.

In hindsight, I think maybe that bartender chick was into our mutual friend who was present. And so be it, I am not interested in obstructing anything there. But she’s a bit older than both of us, so there’s that to contend with. Already told the guy months back that he’s not my type, sweet as he’s behaved thus far. No fault of his, admittedly. Just my own preferences. So if she’s ticked about him I don’t know what to say to it. Not my concern or issue. No control there.

And this is why I need more hobbies. Have way too much time on my hands to hang around these joints apparently. Why waste money on senseless drama? And it’s not just her. There’s another crappy bartender at that establishment whom I’m more so tired of dealing with. Pain in the rear more often than not. And I’m not the only one to express such sentiments.

Waste of money, time and energy overall. Yet I can’t stand the notion of going 100% sober. Trying to figure out that happy medium currently.