Styxhexenhammer Time

“Trump Assaults Congress’ Personal Healthcare Subsidies”:

Strongly agreed there!

“Blind Enrollment: The Alternative to Affirmative Action”:

While I can’t get behind Styx’s optimism toward Trump’s presidency, I continue to find his channel worthwhile.

A weird dream about Saudi Arabia

How strange. Awoke from a vivid dream this morning where my grandparents, my former partner, and I were visiting Saudi Arabia. He and I had gone first, then Grandma came to meet us, then Papa flew over as well. Where we were staying there were a good many gay men around, and these were mostly Western men with blonde hair. They seemed to be corralled and stayed in houses or in hotels (informally jailed?) unless brought out to perform for others. Since we were around them most of the dream, I presume we were being jailed as well or at least were staying in the same hotel where they were being kept at the time.

Grandma was her usual jittery nervous self. Papa came over to help retrieve her to take her home to the U.S. And I was planning to go back with them but decided last minute to remain with my partner (presumably back together in this dream) instead of risking what would happen to him if left behind. I was listening to Papa tell stories of his trip over and dealing with people on the plane and the cab drivers and whatnot. Misunderstandings had occurred and one man had tried to grab him down below in some form of punishment, but I guess he had ran or at least somehow escaped the man’s clutches. We were laughing about his tales. Papa always was known for his confrontations with pretty much anybody and everybody, so Saudis proved no exception. But somehow we managed to handle them without major incident.

I was telling Papa of all the things deemed illegal there and the punishments meted out for each, which probably should’ve been discussed before he arrived. ha  And he was just shaking his head in disbelief. Grandma was pretty shaken up about the travel experience (in real life she’s never flown and refuses to do so), so he was readying her to return home. And I was telling them I’d meet up with them later once our last few days of the trip had ended. My former partner said very little throughout the dream.

The gay men were the strangest part of the dream. Why we were around them so much of the time there, I do not know. They seemed to be prisoners of sorts, like they did not have free rein to go where they wished when they wanted. So they lounged around all day like women kept in a Nevada brothel. And we were kept in the same place as them, so we watched and interacted. One evening they were brought to someone’s house party, and we followed along. That part of the dream has now become hazy.

No clue what that dream was supposed to be about. Have never dreamt of Saudi Arabia and don’t often dream of gay men. Was just a strange little dream. Woke up to my cat curled up against my cheek and the alarm blaring.

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Have a better idea what aspects of the dream mean for me now on greater reflection.

Journaling on the last evening of July

Feeling pretty melancholy the last couple of days. Been doing okay overall, but slacked off on exercising last week since my gym was closed during its relocation. Also blew off my trainer last Friday. Worked out with him today though. Not been eating the best stuff, admittedly. Smoking too many cigarettes. But at least I’ve been remaining alcohol-free. Tomorrow marks 7 weeks since my commitment to stop drinking. Glad for that progress.

But I have a lot more work to do. Been taking time to try to care better for myself, like oiling my hair and doing my nails and making myself more comfortable at home. Lightly trimmed my hair tonight. Cleaned and organized around the apartment a decent bit in the past week. I do need to get out more. Haven’t been inside a watering hole in over a week. Just haven’t been in the mood lately. Not getting out around people enough though. Not yet feeling like taking the initiative to meet new people.

It’s been a bit rough going away from my former partner. We spoke on the phone a couple of times in the last 2 weeks, but that’s it. No in-person contact, which I don’t really want anyway since it’s such a depressing situation forever and always. Still hurt by some of things he said to me on that last evening at his place. Can’t shake it off. And when we talked about it since he just dismisses it all as stuff he spews when he’s mad. But I really don’t want to hear any of that anymore. It’s not good for either of us to be this stressed out and unhappy. While I recognize I’ve been very rough-talking with him in the past as well, I had hoped we’d move beyond that and start treating one another with more respect. He says that someday we’ll be able to do that. Just too much tension between us still. But I’m just so used to spending time with him and talking on the phone regularly, so now there’s that gap in my life as well, and I’m not sure how to fill it. Really need to figure that out since it’s starting to bring me down.

Went with my best guyfriend yesterday to watch the War For the Planet of the Apes movie. Graphics were cool, but the storyline wasn’t too good. Maybe I expected something more profound in its ultimate message, but it delivered more of a Disney-esque happy ending that seemed wrapped up in a neat hurry. Kinda felt disappointed leaving the theater after that. Hard to find good movies worth watching these days, hence why I so rarely go to cinemas. That movie series had potential. I really liked the character Caesar.

Just not entirely sure of what to do with myself. Most of what I want to do involves the internet and books, but what I probably ought to be doing right now is finding new places to go and becoming more physical and getting out of my head. Kinda worried about isolating myself too much since that eventually causes more problems than it solves. Nice to retreat sometimes though. Been out and about a great deal the last 2 years. Feeling like I should just focus more on exercising and otherwise going ahead and staying home more. But I should reach out to certain people and go visit them sometimes. Probably would be good for us all.

Some of the fogginess from alcohol has lifted, but not as much as hoped. Apparently that will be a more gradual change. Undoubtedly increasing my exercising will help there too.

While taking a shower tonight, my mind began roaming over all sorts of embarrassing shit I got caught up in over the course of my time drinking. Embarrassing shit I did or that others did. Things I said and regret. General ways I acted. Ran into a female bartender from the “raunchy bar” at the gas station earlier. Haven’t seen her since early June when I quit going in that joint. Still wondering what her problem was the last time I saw her. Ah well. She’s not my kind of people either way. Just a lot of stupidity to reflect on. Enough of the memories make me angry at myself or else make me feel ashamed. Pretty sure these thoughts and feelings will be following me for a long while, though I haven’t a clue yet on how to heal them. People like to talk a lot about forgiveness, but it isn’t proving to be my strong suit.

Hate to think I just wasted a bunch of years. But I guess I wasn’t in a rush to do anything else in the meantime. Not like I put off major life plans since I didn’t really have any to pursue. Already graduated from college and am maintaining self-employment, those having been my primary goals and I accomplished them. Guess it’s time to give serious thought to creating new goals.

In other news, got called a “coon lady” today by somebody ticked off in the comment section of my video about Cynthia G‘s batshit racism. heh  Interesting. That becoming a universal pejorative to sling willy-nilly at anybody and everybody nowadays? Folks online act so crazy…

What else? Currently working through Dr. Thomas Sowell’s book Civil Rights: Rhetoric or Reality? (1985). Really appreciating it thus far.

Celebrating one mother’s life

That video really impacted me today. It’s from a new channel I just discovered this morning called Ghetto News Network, and it’s of the creator’s mom’s birthday celebration in light of discovering she has cancer. She really sounds like a nice lady, like she helped a lot of people. They look like a bonded family, and thank goodness for that. Can’t ask for much more than that in this life.

Makes me want to call my own Grandma.

We need these positive connections and lasting bonds in order to weather the storms. We need each other, undeniably. No human is capable of living as an island, and it’s amazing the transformative power of good people willing to help us, especially early in life. That’s a true blessing that we’re very lucky to have ever experienced. Strikes me as quite cruel when people are neglected and denied powerful connections and guidance, but the responsibility ultimately lies with us as people. Pain likes to pay forward, but so does charity and good will. It’s very easy to feel alienated in this day and age, to feel lost and unbound. These connections are what make life rich and meaningful, and it’s a real travesty for one to never know what that’s like. Very, very sad when that’s the case and guaranteed to create more problems.

I worry sometimes that the self-sacrificing people who’ve come before and touched our lives might be going extinct. That’s a powerfully disturbing thought, I know. I worry if their spirit might be fostered in future generations and carried forth or if it will wind up relinquished due to us not sufficiently recognizing its importance. That honestly scares me all the way down to the core, pondering what kind of world we’d be living in without their impact and support. My prayer for us today is to try to hold on to what matters most, to be careful about discarding old ways of being before thoroughly understanding their relevance and desirability. Because life can be very long and hard in the absence of a flame of compassion and loving service toward one another. And I stand as a hypocrite in saying that, acknowledging how I segregate off into my own little apartment and more often than not don’t reach out to offer help or consolation to others when I am able.

There are so many lessons to reckon with in this life. So many questions and dilemmas. But, hard as it is to say goodbye to those we love dearly, we truly are blessed to have ever known them, and hopefully we’ll learn from them and pick better paths ourselves. Hopefully.

My heart goes out to that family. May that man’s mother not suffer too much with her illness. This will be a very trying time for all of them, I don’t doubt it, but I appreciate them sharing a glimpse into their lives and what they’re contending with. There are no words to mollify the grief of losing a loving parent figure or reckoning with that inevitability. All we can do is keep them in our hearts and minds and try to do better ourselves. To try not to lose these lessons gleaned.

“This is why Black Lives don’t matter to many!”

From the Ghetto News Network (based in Chicago):

For good measure, let’s watch another one of his videos.

“(Most) Black Women are the reason for the ignorance and killing done by (Most)Black Men”:

One more, “Two baby girls gunned down (92nd & Jeffrey)”:

Evergreen State College’s Greatest Hits

Check out this insanity:

Naima Lowe, an educator at this publicly-funded institution, demonstrates her own flair for racist rudeness:

That that woman was ever (and remains) included on ESC’s equity council is completely mind-bending.

A silly parody of their 2017 graduation ceremony from Badger Pundit.

Glad I don’t have kids to worry about winding up indoctrinated in schools like this. Thank goodness. The universities I attended were nothing like this. Here’s hoping my friends’ kids find better institutions to attend.

“Jordan Peterson: Why Globalism Fails and Nationalism is Relatable”

THIS!:

Precisely! This is exactly along the lines of what I’ve been pondering in my own unsophisticated way.