Early September 2017 journaling

Had a nice weekend thus far. Celebrated my b-day (one year deeper into middle age) by heading out to dinner with my former partner (ex-boyfriend/ongoing friend/whatever we are to refer to him as these days) on Friday night, with plans to hang out with my best guyfriend next weekend. Received a couple Amazon gift certificates (yay!), a box of chocolates, some nail supplies (a couple of which I returned and shopped for other items I can use), three sets of free weights to work out with in my apartment, and a massage gift certificate from a client lady-friend. Rented the movie “Get Out” from Red Box, which turned out to be the racial propaganda I assumed it would be. Skipped the cake since I need no extra sugary calories (but received a pack of chocolate cream-filled oreos, because someone is determined to sabotage my workout efforts, ha!). We ordered pizza last night (Saturday) from a little pizzeria I’d never tried before — won’t be eating there again, but at least we gave it a whirl. Chatted with my best girlfriend on the phone again yesterday and also had a chance to get back in touch with an old friend from Mississippi whom I haven’t spoken with in several months. And I spoke to both my dad and brother a few days ago on the phone, that being the first time we’ve chatted in many months (maybe even a year?). Then Grandma sent along a card.

So it was a pleasant birthday.  party2

In two days time I will be at the 12 week mark in my commitment to stop drinking. Woohoo. Progress!

Also got to watch my former partner put together a grill he purchased for the low, low price of just $60 in an end-of-the-season sale. Very good buy. And it’s a nice big propane grill that looks pretty fancy. We’ll be hauling it out into the driveway probably later today if he can get that POS vehicle he’s been working on finished up.

Wanted to lay out at the “beach” one last time today with my guyfriend, but the gods aren’t cooperating with my plans. So instead I’ll stick around the apartment with the cat and play online this afternoon.

And there’s a problem with the software my landlord uses for collecting rent, so I’m unable to pay online at this time. So, gonna have to wait until Tuesday when their offices are open and go in to pay by check. Fun, fun. That’s what I get for not handling the matter in advance, seeing as how this is a holiday weekend.

What else? Ordered a few new audiobooks on Audible this past week and am currently listening to Drink: The Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol by Ann Dowsett Johnston. Honestly, her upbringing isn’t something I can relate to, nor were her professional aspirations, but it’s still interesting to take in another person’s perspective on drinking getting out of hand. She claims there are studies confirming that college-educated women are actually more inclined toward bingeing and heavy drinking, as opposed to working-class women in general. That calls into question the notion of professional women “having it all” and how stress is being dealt with.

After that book I’m finally going to listen to Steven Pinker’s The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature, after owning a print copy of it for a decade now (courtesy of my dad) and never getting around to reading it (and now having loaned it out with no clue when it will be returned). No worries there though since I’d rather listen to it being read aloud anyway.

Worked out at the gym four days last week with plans to return tomorrow (Monday) once my trainer is back in town from his vacation. Not too busy with work this holiday weekend either — guess most folks decided to take trips earlier in the summer this year instead.

That’s about it for now.

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“Not All”

That video was by a youtuber named Colttaine. First heard of his channel through one of I, Hypocrite’s videos. Very reasonable guy from what I’ve watched thus far.

“Addiction – Reconsidered” (plus personal thoughts)

Liked that video and want to share it with others. Often lately I think about the notion of being cleansed by fire, which is to say purified in some sort of way through trials and struggles.

This past weekend was the first time in months I’d talked to my (ex-step)dad and brother on the phone. Told them that I had quit drinking, which I’d been holding off on sharing with some folks until I had more progress under my belt. Today marks the beginning of week 11 since my commitment to stop drinking. Dad asked if it’s been difficult, if there were physical side effects like shakes, and I told him this time around it’s actually been surprisingly easy, as it has. Though it’s been perplexing me as to why it’s felt so comparably easy.

When I think on it, I believe the reason is that the process actually began a little over 2 years ago. Back then I did get shaky at times due to going through spells where I’d drink entirely too much and hurt my body. Drinking on that level was often concealed at home where I could be alone. And that’s an awful way to become. Then when I did start heading back out to bars once again I’d wind up having problems with people over social matters, which were the sort of issues that drove me to staying home more and more in the first place. My behavior and attitudes became increasingly volatile as a drinker. I was severely unhappy — depressed really. Frustrated with myself but at the time feeling too weak to make real and lasting changes for the better. Dreamt of changing all the time, but struggled to do so and keep with it. So there was a lot of yo-yoing occurring within the last couple of years. And I guess that time period was in itself a slow-motion bottoming out. Actually I know it was and knew it at the time too. But I kept thinking I wasn’t on total rock bottom yet…not that I wanted to land there, but there’s some stupid little measure of comfort in believing you’re not there yet.

Humiliated myself many times. Numerous bad nights pepper my memories over the last couple of years (and before). Nights when I’m lucky to have made it home in one piece and not harmed anybody else in the process. Nights where portions of the evening are completely erased, blacked out, only known through what others later told me. Bad thoughts and bad decisions had me in a tailspin for a long time there, culminating in those last two years of suffering because I knew the jig was up but yet couldn’t seem to lay it all down and walk away. That was a very frustrating time in life, to say the least.

And then something happened inside that allowed me to say I’d had enough. Don’t believe it was any one event, just a broad collection of them that finally broke the camel’s back. And I got really angry, at myself and the others surrounding me and the lifestyle overall. Had been angry about it many times before, though, so I still wonder why this time something stuck and I was able to walk away. Didn’t feel like the change was completely due to my own will power alone considering how much that had failed me in years prior. Hard to say why the shift occurred so abruptly and how I’ve been able to stick with it this time around. Too much water under the bridge? Too many bad memories generated? Too much money wasted to where I was facing dire straits soon enough? Too many embarrassing episodes spanning back longer than I care to look? All of the above and then some.

But that had been my lifestyle all throughout my adulthood and it was my norm. Though, some part of me inside was never content with it, always critical about it. Maybe it was that inner voice that finally took over the helm when I was weak enough to allow it to do so, and through doing so I’ve gained a measure of strength and determination that I didn’t know I had. It’s kind of queer to think about really, how it’s unfolded and where my mind has been and how something inside became so damn enraged that it simply refused to live like that anymore and therefore took over operations. So, in truth, I did save myself, or at least a part of me saved the rest of me. And that’s a strange thought since so much of me had fallen down and I figured might not ever get back up and stay up. Most of the people I surrounded myself with on a day-to-day basis were heavy drinkers themselves who saw no problem in our lifestyle choice, taking every opportunity they could to defend it. Sometimes I’d debate with them over what we were doing, hypocritical as that always felt (in a bar setting, no less). But in the end, none of them or any of their empty excuses mattered one iota, and I was able to walk away.

Does it have to do with one’s personality? Has my stubbornness saved me once again? Or my fear of complete and abysmal failure? Or worries over becoming a devastatingly negative force for change in the lives of some innocent people who happened to cross my path at the wrong time? Or concern over potential destroyed and wasted? Or humiliation over the (repeated) results of the toxic mix of alcohol and emotional volatility that undeniably damaged my character? All of the above, I assume. But it still seems so strange to me that someone can be that entrenched in a way of life and that deeply steeped among others of like mind and still break free. But I did. Still coming to terms with that and am so grateful for my internal levee to finally give way, generating enough force to propel me out and away from that addictive trap.

Ben Shapiro on the Alt Right

Gotta love Ben Shapiro. The more I hear from him, the more I respect the guy.

Yes, the end portion of that video is a repeat, but I think it’s worth letting the message sink in.

“CULTURAL MARXISM: The Corruption of America” (plus my thoughts)

This film might strike some as a piece of shameless propaganda:

In it’s own special way, it indeed is. Plenty of truths contained therein, so I would recommend it to others, but only if you promise to sit through the whole 90 minutes. Made me twitch with rebuttals and quibbles, but still I’m glad I watched that tonight because it got me thinking.

Said before and will keep saying that the term “cultural Marxis” has become a misnomer. And this matters because accuracy in language is especially needed on concepts of this magnitude. Previously wrote on here how I view Karl Marx being blamed for all modern problems due to this ideology that continues to bare the name “cultural Marxism” despite it having little to nothing to do with what Marx was actually about. Ok, there are a few points to be made here.

First off, economic class concerns in the 1880s during the rise of Industrialization coinciding with the rise of what we know of as capitalism, which in short order began paving the way toward corporatism. Karl Marx was a product of the 19th century when agrarianism was still common and factories were pretty new. Conditions within those factories hadn’t been regulated yet, so employees could be treated as relatively disposable, creating a situation arguably not a huge step up from slavery. He foresaw what that might develop into, so far as one reasonably could way back then, pre-20th century modernization. And he rightfully protested it, like any luddite worth his salt would. Hell, had I been in his shoes I’d likely have tried sounding the alarm too, and so did plenty of others. Not like Marx was the only one to ever express an opinion on this matter, nor that his teachings were the primary ones to prove super influential on the predecessors to those now known as SJWs. Lots of thinkers contributed to the ideology being referred to as “cultural marxism.”

It’s obvious what it is now is an ideology fashioned over the last century to suit the interests of globalists and power-seekers. Certainly not benefiting the people Marx ever had in mind. Complete reversal instead. That’s what’s so insidious and destructive and outright dishonest about continuing to refer to that ideology as “cultural marxism.” How can opposites both be forms of Marxism? Because it’s evolved, you say? Then why keep calling it by defunct language? Only confuses people, like the maker of that otherwise pretty interesting documentary. Or maybe for some people the term “cultural marxism” really just serves as politically-less-incorrect code for Jews. That’s what I’m starting to think this business of holding onto that term and warning people off of having anything to do with the Frankfurt School authors as though their books were possessed by the devil.

I’ve read number books by Erich Fromm, and guess what, folks! He’s on our side. Read him and see. He wrote against us becoming automatons and corporate and/or government slaves. Not on the side of the globalists. Which people might realize if they actually took time to read the authors they’re criticizing (or in Fromm’s case there, a title page merely flashed across the screen — deemed automatically guilty by association for being a member of the Frankfurt School — no one who studied Marx’s writings could possibly be nuanced and critical in his treatment of it, right? NOT IF THEY WERE IN THE FRANKFURT SCHOOL. Oy.  rolleyes_smilie  Yet another example of how we remain willfully blind.) Excerpts from a few of Fromm’s books I’ve transcribed onto this blog for anyone curious enough to take a glimpse into the sort of things he actually said.

So anyway, Marx wasn’t aiming to be some sort of malicious devil or usher for the rise of totalitarian states. Goes to show how much control we have over what’s done with our ideas once we’ve shared them. Can take on a life of their own. Or be co-opted. Maybe also inverted so that the public gets the message that being class conscious is no different than being race or sex/gender conscious. All are the same and all belong on the political Left. And that’s where there’s a serious problem, considering how much class consciousness really ought to matter to so many of us relative to the few who’ve become an enormously influential economic elite. That’s on a special level way above snowflake identity politics or even race relations seeing as how we’re all in the same societal basket headed in the same direction. That is key, and I don’t think it’s a mistake that the situation has been framed the way it was in that film in relation to so-called “cultural marxism.” Plenty of other sources do the same thing, I’ve seen.

All those dots connected around the 1-hour mark onward — valuable. Too bad they’re packaged in with”cultural marxism”-declaring propaganda. Reduces the whole film’s credibility, that along with the hokey voice-overs and lack of informative explanation on what was proposed by Marx and Frankfurt School authors. Basically just pointed to them and sneered, booing us away from paying too much mind to them other than aiming to avoid them at all cost. Not useful. Propagandist dick move there. Inaccurate for the sake of protecting some semblance of what capitalism was envisioned to be. We’re now post that, whether we like it or not.

This is where I deviate sharply from this film and others like it. Is there a conspiracy of Jews influenced by Marx and whomever else trying to run the world? Who cares? Would it really matter what ethnicity they happen to be? Followers of a globalist agenda obviously aren’t all Jewish (like the Clintons and Bushes and Obamas). Everybody like to form an elaborate theory about who’s angling for power and why and what all they may be tied into. Here’s all we need to know: totalitarianism is the ultimate threat. It’s anti-capitalist, anti-true socialism even, anti-individual, anti-social, anti-human. Whatever form it may take isn’t of particular importance, not in the big picture. At least not outside of comprehending the steps of that rise and consolidation of power.

Are certain relationships about power? Yes, they are. Probably not all, but when it comes to politics there’s most definitely always the threat of a power grab.

Now, in my own personal opinion, I don’t rightly care to nitpick anymore over what elements involved may have come about via intentional collusion and what might simply be the luck of the draw or mounting consequences of short-term opportunism or whatever else. Lots of moving parts at play in the 20th century. The convergence of a plethora of technologies inside growing nation-states and the rise of consumerism and a public education system and wars and exploring the sciences (including psychology) and corporatism and the explosion of our economy….on and on it goes. So much unprecedented shit happening all at once, coming in from every which way. Distractions galore. Looks to me to simply be a conspiracy of Life. So much culminated into the conditions we’re experiencing now, so much that couldn’t have been foreseen or predicted. And some people take advantage of the situation, as to be expected.

Tyranny lurks and seeks out opportunity. Why? Because power does matter to us humans, and to some a whole lot more than others. The will to play god will probably never go out of style. Something psychological within inclines us that way. And some succeed from time to time. Tragic when that happens.

Acknowledging all of that, the part in the film where they talk about our U.S. Constitution and the visions of our forefathers I am deeply in agreement with, BUT we nowadays face the conundrum of living in such complex societies that are indeed already globally connected through markets and military threats. The notion of doing away with our standing army at this point would strike nearly all as ludicrous and surely national suicide. Having a standing army (or in our case, a whole military-industrial complex) is deemed a necessity to at least remain sovereign. But then, of course, that’s never what a military remains limited to, especially not one as powerful as ours. Then there’s also the concern about how the U.S. military is essentially an employment sector by now, and a huge one at that. Employs over a million citizens, I believe. How would anyone wish to go about dismantling that mammoth? Would prove political suicide for a candidate to even suggest such a thing.

See, this is where we’re wrapped up in paradoxes of our own human creation. Not sure how we wriggle out of this mess. It’s become self-perpetuating. And, unfortunately, increasingly less transparent as well as less accessible by the average citizen. I completely agree with the documentary-makers’ sentiments expressed about state and local rights, but how do we check federal powers at this point? Sure, absolutely most of Congress deserves to be impeached. I’ve been saying that for over a decade. But how? We’ve become so divided and are firmly bogged down arguing over so many less important matters. Which propaganda aided in bringing about.

Sure, people should cancel their cable subscriptions and quit believing what’s put on by the mainstream media. Stop paying for pop culture garbage over intellectually-beneficial content. Easy to say, but no way to enforce it. Barely can entice those who aren’t already curious and seeking. Demonstrating how Americans got in this mess in the first place: we suck at remaining vigilant and principled.

Is pessimism also a feature of “cultural marxism”?  lol  He claimed so, but that’s ridiculous. One can recognize the present situation for what it is and still work toward protecting what we’re able. I won’t pretend to be optimist about what may lay in store. But we work with what we can. We start clarifying our values and living in accordance. Whether we ultimately triumph as a people in the end or not, it’s the journey that’s of most concern since that’s day by day. One foot in front of the other. Less overwhelming when we each try to take it on as that.

That’s enough to say on this for one evening.

Karen Straughan’s afterthoughts on Chris Cantwell and white nationalism

All of her points made there sound reasonable to me.

More from Chris Cantwell

“Christopher Cantwell Radical Agenda how-to-hit-your-girlfriend”:

Wow… Huh…

Well, that gives me a different perspective on the guy. Not too cool…

So much for being about using reasoning to get your point across and not resorting to using force.

Couples are going to do whatever they’re going to do, and that’s between them, I guess. But he chose to put it out there, so we in the outside world are going to have reactions. Just like people react to whatever I put it out there, but he’s far more popular and since found himself among the leaders of a well-publicized, nazi-attended political rally.

That letter though…

Sounds pretty pretentious and demonstrates a need to control his partner.

So, he’s a drunk, and she provokes him. Sounds exactly like the type of couple who ought to start a family.  american_smiliebs_smiliedisbelief

Society is a mess, from the bottom to the top. Clearly we’re all mixed up. Weird people keep breeding. And encouraging others to breed also.

His Vice interview (HBO footage):

Wow…  His interview at the end though…

Now that I’ve learned a little more about the guy, I’m less impressed. To say the least. Pretty big switch from how he acted during that interview with Karen Straughan (aka Girl Writes What).

And this is the infamous video circling around of him very emotional after learning of his arrest warrant:

BIG switch…

Hmmm…  What can I say? Just another oddball out in society. As an oddball myself, I’m limited on how much criticism I can levy here without being a total hypocrite. However, alluding to threats of violence against counter-protesters (on video, no less), then later being terrified of violence from cops simply because they issued a warrant on him (also broadcast to the internet) is a pretty major shift in gears. Part of me feels kinda bad for the dude since he’s embarrassed himself across media networks and youtube. But he also looks to have had it coming. Talked a really big game that he obviously can’t live up to. This is the problem with too much pride and arrogance, especially when one’s house is made of glass.

Makes me rethink sharing so much shit online, to be honest. Because this kind of thing can happen and blow up in your face. Hence why it’s important to try to stay reasonable and relatively humble. Bravado tends to get tested in the end. We all put on acts to one degree or another, but some outright misrepresent themselves in dramatic ways. This being a case in point. Sucks when your public image implodes, and that one was a doozy. I’m emotional as hell my own self, and I nowadays try not to pretend otherwise. It’ll come out in the end anyway — might as well be fairly upfront about it. Just strikes me as kinda strange that someone with such an emotional disposition would attempt to lead others in a movement such as that. Seems it would’ve been better had he recognized this limitation in his personality and not sought a leadership role in the first place. Neuroticism and leadership just don’t bind well.

Those who seek power aren’t always, or typically, the ones who deserve it or can handle it. And now that’s been made clear once again.

“Interview: Christopher Cantwell”

Karen Straughan’s interview with the self-described white nationalist Christopher Cantwell:

Very interesting talk, not knowing who he was prior to this past week.

I can understand where he’s coming from in some areas, just can’t get behind framing this all in terms of race. Looks to me to be more about values. Good to hear his views out of his own mouth and not as second-hand hearsay.

She handled that conversation fairly. More talks like this ought to occur rather than people just bashing one another and refusing to seriously consider the other’s perspective. No crime in being curious.