Dispatches from the barscene

Because I am apparently incapable or at least uncooperative about getting sober at this point in time.

Tonight I witnessed a woman who was visibly pregnant (asked her and confirmed it)  DRINKING AND SMOKING while out at our bar. Fucked me all up to witness it. I don’t give a DAMN what your excuse might be, that is seriously FUCKED UP. That unborn child has to live with the ramifications. No question.  That IMO is WRONG AS HELL. Not that this is the first time I’ve encountered a late-term pregnant woman up in the bar choosing to behave this way.

Makes me hate myself that I am even there to see it. That I am even breathing the same oxygen. FUCK YOU if you are that kind of mother-to-be. FUCK YOU ENTIRELY! To hell with you. Ain’t nothing better gonna stem from this.

She was a white woman. Stating it plain. Last one I dealt with was a black woman, so let’s keep it all straight. Obviously only cares about herself, about what welfare benefits she might access. No fucks given for her unborn child. I watched her tonight. Interacted with her. No FUCKS GIVEN FOR THAT POTENTIAL CHILD. And her belly was big enough that her navel was protruding, hence why I even asked about her state of being and felt confident I wouldn’t mistakenly offend her.

That is UTTER BULLSHIT. PERIOD. Your body is the unborn’s first environment. YOU KNOW THAT! Not a secret. Fuck this irresponsible BULLSHIT. I don’t have kids myself because I at least recognize my own lackings in that department. My own irresponsibility. Therefore, I do everything in my own power to not get pregnant. Yet we have these fucking bitches out here in society who give no fucks and have kids willy-nilly, often with with men who don’t desire the kids, while behaving like jackasses throughout their pregnancies. Very tough to observe.

And yet they like to act like they are morally superior for not undergoing an abortion? But how so? YOU ARE THIS POTENTIAL CHILD’S FIRST ENVIRONMENT. If they can’t maintain that respectably, then what can you justifiably expect from them thereon?? The unborn are entirely dependent ON YOU. Yes, motherhood matters. More than some apparently seem to realize. Yet our criminal justice system won’t stop them. Nobody is willing in this PC culture day and age to say to these women that this is FUCKED UP. PERIOD. Not okay. No excuses. Don’t care how bad your ex mistreated you, nor how poorly you might’ve been raised. Doesn’t matter now once you assume responsibility for raising another human being. That’s a HUGE obligation, hence why I choose not to undertake it. And yet the vast majority do and some don’t seem to care if they damage their youngens’ chances right out the gate.

People like to tell me how immoral of a woman I am for having been an escort in my 20s. Had to listen to a guy cuss me out about that just a week ago. In my mid-30s now. Doesn’t seem to matter how long ago I gave that up or what I care to say about it. And yet I had the sense to recognize early on that family planning is important and that I didn’t want to wind up a single mom. I understood that in my teen years. However, so many mothers like to act like I am some kind of “sell out” for not following in their footsteps. Which is insane, flat out. Why would I wish to be wrapped up in family court with a man who wants no part in helping raise a kid he didn’t expect to be created? Why? Who is this truly fair for? Not the kid(s), not the father(s), and often not the mother either despite her holding more control than the other parties involved.

I get sick of this shit. Would like to go out drinking without a pregnant woman showing up and injuring my morale. Fucks up my spirit. Makes me feel like a bad person for even sharing space with such individuals. Hence why I left promptly. Such bullshit. How is that NOT a crime?? How come so many people accept that nonsense? How come we as a society continue to ignore such behavior? How do we ignore it? How do we pretend it doesn’t matter? Yet, let a father fall behind on child support payments and we get our pitchforks out.

It’s messed up, that’s what I am saying.

Distancing music

By that I specifically am referring to creating distance from social and/or romantic entanglements as can prove necessary. But whatever else may be applicable.

Beginning with Stabbing Westward’s “Save Yourself”:

That one probably sticks with me since it came out in my early teen years. Heard it many, many times over the years. True sentiment expressed there in the chorus.

Cedric Burnside’s “Washy My Hands”:

A true artist there. The real deal. Grandson of the great R.L. Burnside.

Firefall’s “Strange Way”:

Led Zeppelin’s “Since I’ve Been Loving You”:

That was “Won’t Get Fooled Again” by The Who.

“Lunatic Fringe” by Red Rider:

Sometimes shit just doesn’t work out. Can’t. Too many problems, too many incompatibilities. Of course I’m still referring to the same situation I’ve been involved in for several years now. But whatever. Think we both understand by now how much this isn’t working. Gotta leave it alone and let it rest, go our own ways. Being retardedly magnetically attracted to one another hasn’t served us well over time.

But I don’t regret the relationship, and he says the same. Learned a lot from it. We now have our own individual problems needing to be tended to, and we don’t accomplish that well in one another’s presence. A hard lesson learned again and again throughout time. But he’s not a bad guy. We do appreciate one another. Just became an unworkable situation. C’est la vie. Problems are cumulative. But I do feel like a better person after having known that man, crazy as we drove one another. Learned a lot. Some of which he intended to teach but also plenty that he did not. Either way, he’s family and will remain so regardless of what the future brings. He acknowledges this as well. Both so tired of this sad situation not appreciably improving enough.

Life is what it is. Nobody promised us a rose garden. BUT our own conduct and choices do matter an awful lot. Undeniably. Not all simply random chance roll of the dice. We do impact this unfolding, obviously. The development of our individual potential is on us and can’t be fully determined by anybody else, no matter what we may go through with them. The blame game is one of the oldest obstacles confronting humankind. The responsibility ultimately lies with us as individual persons. Fault is one thing, but responsibility is entirely another. Can’t be helped. Such is life.

There are so many good things out here in the world. Good and bad, but still there is good too. Opportunities. So many reasons to remain curious. So much to learn and inspect. It’s going to be okay, or at least it will be what it will be. We only have so much control when up against Nature. But what control we do possess does matter. More than we seem to realize.

Absolute hooligans (a.k.a. how to ensure racism remains alive and growing)

And here’s what I believe is the original twitter uploading of this video: https://twitter.com/quefieri/status/861042019023671296

What fucking assholes! Seriously.

There’s so much more I’d like to say, but it will have to wait for another time.

“Alan Watts ~ Stop Competing With Yourself” (his BEST lecture!)

That was excellent. Tied together so many of his past lectures succinctly while also feeding into other reading material I’ve been pondering over time. This particular lecture cemented my respect for Alan Watts. Haven’t always understood what he was talking about, but I stuck with him and appreciate the light he’s helped provide overall. He’s right — the skill to living isn’t simply self-discipline (important as that unarguably is) but learning how to find the right balance. Differs for each of us, and the possibilities are nearly endless.

We can be snobs to one another. That’s easy enough to do. We can divvy up into separate “camps” and talk shit and focus our attention there primarily. Plenty already do. Will lead us straight to hell as a society and a species if we keep this up, but we’re free to do so obviously. Or prove incapable of not doing so if we individually remain complacent in our present forms. Life requires growth and we’re psychological beings. No escaping that truth.

But how we figure out navigating in a manner that seems worth it is the existential question of our time.

It’s a fact that much of this can’t help but come down to our own selves, impactful as external influences can’t help but be. Hence why it’s important to opt for better influences, those which can promote positive expansion. The alternative is what? Let ourselves slide into the abyss? What is our love affair with the abyss? I think Dr. Jordan Peterson is right when he’s basically said staying down there comes with the benefit of evading personal responsibility. Strikes a chord inside, rings correct. Mea culpa too.

Nobody else can change these facts for us. Only we individually can make the decision and actively plod in that direction. Even a slave-driver can’t effectively force us if we collectively and actively resist like mules. That seems obvious enough. Might murder a bunch of us, but still can’t force us to put our hearts into something against our will. Might reduce many of us to a cowardly state, but that’s largely through our own compliance, if not entirely. We as individuals actually do possess a lot more power than we commonly publicly acknowledge and demonstrate appreciation for.

We’re spoiled on modern life and the ease at which we can hide out from one another and interact behind keyboards anonymously if desired. Modern technologies allow for an atomized form of existence never before known by our species. Easy to get drunk on it and all its comforts. I know. Welcome to modern life. It’s ALL a big mystery to each and every one of us. Learn as we go. Hopefully. Maybe.

Depends on how we choose to live. Nobody else can determine that for us. Short of killing us, and all that does it extinguish us — still doesn’t force our will to ACT. Definitely can impact us seriously though. And that’s no small matter. But this is where ancient Stoics did have the right idea. We can’t control all of the variables in life, quite obviously. Never could and never will. We can’t help but be vulnerable beings, as all lifeforms are. And we can’t completely control other people, try as we might. Can to whatever extents, but that’s it. There is a sovereignty to the individual that is untouchable by others, try as we undoubtedly will. Sadists probably know this all too well in the end. There’s a private sphere within each of us that will forever remain unexplorable by all others. Fact of life. We are individuals yet we are communal. Both are true, and neither is avoidable nor alterable (at least not without massive negative consequences). Not if any balance is to be achieved. And some sense of balance is necessary for satisfaction in life.

Can’t seem to escape these truths lately. Recurring. Thanks to my reading and viewing material, which I’ve learned a lot from over time. We are blessed to have this amazing internet. Anyone who doesn’t own a desktop computer or at minimum a laptop is being left in the dark ages (and no, “smartphones” aren’t solely sufficient for exploring this medium — way too limited/limiting). But I suppose people will have to work with what they’ve got if that’s necessarily the case. Still, the information available so freely to us nowadays is unprecedented, truly amazing. We are lucky in this regard and shouldn’t take it too much for granted. So many opportunities surround us currently.

I say this all to myself more than to others, though it’s to all of you too. We need to step up our game as individual persons in however many which ways that may unfold. For one’s own personal sake, if for no one else’s.

“LARRY ELDER: Black Men Crushed By Excuses NOT ‘Racism’; Talks On Hating & Reconciling w/ His Father”

A very good talk. Highly recommended.

The Joys of Public Drinking

A.K.A. more reasons to avoid the barscene:

1.) Drunks are DRAMA. Whether they mean to be or not. Comes with the territory, unavoidably so.

2.) It’s expensive. You’re paying a high premium for the social atmosphere itself. The alcohol is far cheaper if purchased at a grocery store or gas station and taken home. Consider the average cost of a beer at a bar: $3 for a 16-oz. (or less) draw. Add $1 for tip. Multiply that by 4-6 on any given outing. Now, multiply that by however many outings per month. Adds up quickly.

3.) You’re subjected to others’ musical tastes (and jukeboxes have become very expensive as well, many now charging $1 per song). Any day I manage to get through without listening to modern country (pop) music is a good day. Or the latest rap music.

4.) Idiots abound. The barscene serves as a refuge for some of the least responsible and most obnoxious persons out in society, especially after 10pm. Fights break out. Drinks get spilled. Stupid comments are made, especially by those seeking hook-ups. And arguments can and do occur over the most trifling matters, including sports teams and random trivia. As one bartender said to me in recent months: his job winds up feeling like babysitting adults with mental problems.  lol

5.) Avoiding DUIs/OWIs is a high-risk game. Cops prowl around waiting for barhounds to drive off. The only way to avoid this is to befriend someone who doesn’t drink who’s willing to drive you home (good luck with that) or to pony up even more cash for either an Uber or a cab ride. Walking home would also be a viable option if not for risking public intoxication charges (a favorite routinely doled out by police in this city).

6.) Dangers to one’s health and safety. Setting aside concerns for our livers and kidneys, there’s all sorts of other risks we take while drinking out in public. Like falling down. Steps are a bitch some nights. Or pissing off a hothead and getting knocked out (witnessed that happen to a guy fairly recently and, once down, other bar patrons began filming his unconscious body with their phones, snickering about posting up the footage on SnapChat — how lovely). Not to mention the number of brain cells we’re probably burning off on a regular basis even while managing to remain upright and otherwise uninjured.

7.) Gossip is the norm. The only saving grace there are drunk people’s tendency to not remember all the details. But then the stories just wind up morphing into fantastic fiction, like a garbled game of telephone.

8.) Public drinking is directly linked with impulsivity. Already have impulse control issues while sober? Drinking is guaranteed to magnify that! Perfect way to wind up saying the wrong thing to the wrong person, spending more money than you planned to, or thinking that booty call with a stranger is a good idea. Been there, done that (especially in years prior). Got the t-shirt and all the medals on that one. Waking up with regrets isn’t much fun.

9.) Hangovers suck. Sipping a few brews at home while trolling the internet is one thing, but out in public we have the added pressure of drinking among others, plenty of whom want others to share in taking shots. Can feel difficult to resist, especially when the shots are bought for you. I do believe Hank Williams Jr. was right about how hangovers get to hurting more than they used to — oh joy, so much to look forward to in years to come. Nothing like waking up with a raging headache and foggy eyesight and needing to go about your workday in such a condition. Then we discover that one cure for a hangover is simply to have another drink (after work). Oy. And the cycle continues…

10.) Bar food only tastes good when you’re drunk. Any other time you’d likely avoid it like the plague. Another waste of money on crap calories that tends to leave you with regrets the next day.

11.) Political discussions are discouraged. Even private conversations among relatively quiet patrons who are keeping it calm and friendly. Why? I don’t know. Guess it’s viewed as likely to instigate an argument. The notion of pubs as Public Houses has gone to the wayside in American society apparently. But you can still openly feud over sports, sans the stigma.

12.) Beer Goggles are a real phenomenon, and so is Beer Ego. She looks better after you’ve had a few drinks, AND, thanks to liquid courage, you now have the cojones to saunter up and tell her that — boldly, blatantly, without apology, despite swaying and slurring in the process. And if she turns down your advances, well, she must be some stuck-up broad deserving to be told that too!

13.) Dude, where’s my car? Where are my keys? Where’s my debit card? How much money did I spend last night? How did I get home? How did I land in this ditch? (All legitimate questions after a night of heavy drinking.)

*Pulling from my own experiences and others’ in compiling this list.

“Uncommon Knowledge: White America Is ‘Coming Apart'”