We broke it

My lover just left, and our relationship has ended. Lord help us, I think this is it.

Irreconcilable differences…

The heartache’s been strung out a long time now. So much water under the bridge. He says he hopes for us to remain friends…

My heart hurts. It’s been such a long year and a half since the fighting began. Some days were good, but others were truly terrible. I’ve become through this someone I never wanted to be.

I will love him forever, and he says the same. But everything got broken and we can’t fix it. Everything’s turned into a fight anymore, and neither of us can take it. But dear God, it is so sad and painful walking away. He is my sunshine…but we just can’t make it work any longer.

Trolling My Trolls, Big Business Shenanigans, and other mid-week thoughts

Yeah, I do like to troll my own video comment threads’ trolls.  Haha  Hey, why not? I’m easily entertained at times.

And maybe this new Google+ comment section overhaul is kind of a good thing in a way. Because I apparently can rarely express myself in under 500 characters, and the comment section flame competitions, amusing as they can be to partake in some days, are just wasting my time and cutting into my productivity. Yup.

I’m not too cool with having things changed up to better suit advertisers though, since we know that’s undoubtedly what it’s all about (for a company trading at over $1,000/share on the NASDAQ, we can rest assured it is about money). But it is kinda weird pondering how much control these sites really give these major companies. And we just play right into it, easy peasy.

That’s what I get for trolling trolls. lol  We’ll blame karma. Maybe in the future I’ll post videos and then just tell folks to either comment here on the blog or PM me on YT if they really want me to read something. Fuck it. It’s getting to be too much work. And I don’t need every single thing I type online getting back to Google. And I really ought to get away from Gmail too.

There’s an internet oligopoly setup these days, and that’s a damn shame. Wasn’t supposed to be like this. I remember back when the original Google founders promised their company would never become precisely what it has become today. That’s sad. We believed them for a minute.

Ya see, everything winds me back to thinking about this concrete jungle grid and now the virtual world tied to it. More trappings with each passing year. More and more I see companies with sites putting up “arbitration clause” garbage in their small print, basically you agree by continuing to use their services, if ever a reason to sue would arise you’re agreeing to accept arbitration instead and forfeit your right to a trial. I noticed several months back Netflix added this:

If you are a Netflix member in the United States (including its possessions and territories), you and Netflix agree that any dispute, claim or controversy arising out of or relating in any way to the Netflix service, these Terms of Use and this Arbitration Agreement, shall be determined by binding arbitration or in small claims court. Arbitration is more informal than a lawsuit in court. Arbitration uses a neutral arbitrator instead of a judge or jury, allows for more limited discovery than in court, and is subject to very limited review by courts. Arbitrators can award the same damages and relief that a court can award. You agree that, by agreeing to these Terms of Use, the U.S. Federal Arbitration Act governs the interpretation and enforcement of this provision, and that you and Netflix are each waiving the right to a trial by jury or to participate in a class action. This arbitration provision shall survive termination of this Agreement and the termination of your Netflix membership.

That’s on their Terms of Use page, under Arbitration Agreement (#15), that being section A of A-F.

Makes me wonder why Netflix would need to fear class-action lawsuits.

But I shouldn’t be too entirely surprised since even my landlord had that in the lease agreement. I insisted he strike all of that out, and he relented, because that’s nuts. I’m not waiving my right to real trial if need be. Why?

Then Wells Fargo rolled out the same sort shit in 2012 (or ramped it up anyway). I remember getting the notice in my inbox and went to rabbling about it. But they don’t care. I’ve threatened to move my account from there several times and have another account at another bank. Just haven’t pulled that trigger yet.

And this is what really drives me nuts about life today. It’s chaotic. Everything I’m involved with changes over time. I remember back before Google bought YT. LOL That’s funny because it doesn’t matter a bit. It’s so funny how the ’90s and early 2000s wind up looking like the good ol’ days. Ha!  Now I have an idea how every generation before mine feels and why they bitched so much. Everything’s changing, and life’s just moving faster and faster with each passing year. Technology’s gone totally commercial. Advertisements being crammed anywhere and everywhere. The internet already looks like Tokyo — how much crazier can we make it?

I just have to laugh. That’s where I’m at today, humoring myself over so much ridiculousness going on all around. Makes me feel ridiculous too, especially when I continue to fork over money to Netflix and Wells Fargo month after month like I don’t have any sense. And considering how much time I spent on youtube over the last year and a half — holy shit. Turned out to be super addictive and perfectly compliments my decision to drink at home and avoid bars.  Ha

But it nearly feels like resistance is futile. Since most are going to go along with this way of life, this is how it will remain indefinitely in the U.S. We try to impress on one another and take at least some steps to avoid aiding and abetting bullshit, but it’s everywhere and becomes a frickin’ nightmare to completely avoid. If I read all small print on every terms of agreement I’ve ever signed, I’d still be reading it and all of the updates mailed out since. Legalese is the bane of my existence. confused3

Society’s crazy. Businesses are all crazy. Apparently I’m crazy and am surrounded by a sea of other crazies.  LOL  And that’s where we stand nearing the end of 2013.


Update 11/8/2013: Figured out that the YT comment sections now allow more than 500 character responses. Oooh.

Still can’t figure out the spam feature yet though.

Goddamn YouTube and Google+!

Thanks for fucking up YouTube yet again, Google. tongue_out  Now my comment sections are all wonky. I went to watch updates explaining what’s happened and why I’ve been forced to sign up for Google+ in order to still be able to comment on YT (ugh, tried avoiding that forever), and it appears this is all according to some grand design, because Google can NEVER leave well enough alone.

I worry about the approaching date when I find the internet as mindlessly stupid as I find television. Grrr… so aggravated. Nothing online can ever remain the same, nope, gotta tweak and screw with every inch of it, always. And for what? So some companies can better target us for advertising? I tune that shit out to the best of my ability already.

If someone ever would come up with an alternative to Youtube and Google I’d happily pay some reasonable amount on an annual basis. Seriously. Then we could skip the ads and the bullshit, which would be terrific.

Moving on…

Well, that was an interesting year of weirdness. And now it’s officially coming to an end. The so-called “manosphere” can go do whatever it wishes — I think I’m done engaging in all of that. Idiots and assholes aren’t my cup of tea, and so long as there remains a healthy number of those types among their ranks—fuck it—I’ll cease wasting my time there.

I realize my points don’t always come out as clearly as I’d like, but I did come in good faith and was willing to listen to people who weren’t just hunting for an endless online feud. Still think some of them are cowards, and why they take such incredible issue with being noted as such when they’re running around online calling out everybody else with all kinds of rude pejoratives remains a mystery to me. In short, don’t dish it if you’re unwilling to take it.

We’re all in this ship together, headed in the same direction, whether we like it or not. I don’t expect things probably will change for the better during my lifetime, but I am interested in pondering the possibilities. That doesn’t do much for those promoting their brand of activism, so I’ll leave them be and continue on my own little way. We’re not all destined to get along, that is a given.

Off to more interesting corners of YT and the internet…


Update 11/01/2013: It’s been shown I can stare into an abyss for months or years on end.  Ha  Yay, stubbornness and curiosity!  clap  heh

A passing thought

Ya know, I can handle being called a “whore,” that word I’m pretty used to by now. But the insult that gets to me is “just a hole” (which I’ve read more posted online than ever heard discussed in person – as a woman I can’t help but wince).

But then again, when I really stop and think about it, the truly most offensive and degrading insult is simply “just a …”

On the menu this evening: Slow Cooker Chicken & Dumplings

Or something like that anyway. I’m working off of this recipe, making alterations as seem fitting and getting ideas from the reviewers.

Here’s what I’m doing. Cut two chicken breasts in half and placed them in the crockpot, then added two cans of cream of chicken soup, plus part of a can of low-sodium chicken broth (in place of most of the water called for). I then tossed in half an onion (not cut up, just one big chunk thrown in for flavoring — I don’t care much for eating onions), a 16 oz. bag of frozen mixed vegetables, a couple stalks of celery, and I seasoned the pot with poultry seasoning, garlic powder, and black pepper. Gonna let it cook on high for 3.5 hours before I add in the refrigerated biscuit dough and one chopped up Russet potato.

Hopefully it will turn out to be a reasonably satisfying meal.


On the drink menu this evening, I’m sipping a concoction that includes a little bit of vodka, a few drops of lime juice, topped with ginger beer, served over ice. Got the idea for that little Moscow Mule cocktail from my good buddy.


(Photos borrowed from the internet and do not belong to me.)

Giving cooking Chicken Parm a try at the end of a long week

In the mood to try my hand at making Chicken Parmesan tonight, and I’m following two recipes from Laura in the Kitchen, the first being for her Basic Tomato & Basil Marinara Sauce:

Because the sauce she uses in the following Chicken Parmesan recipe doesn’t sound like it’d be for me:

Not an olive fan. Not sure how this is going to turn out. Starting to think mediocre, but the chicken will be out of the oven in a few minutes and we’ll see. Certainly not Laura’s recipes’ fault — my domestic skills are just lacking.

Update: Actually didn’t turn out too good. My friend claimed to like it, but I definitely will do a lot differently next time. Mostly due to my own errors — damn this wine for distracting me!

Byenia, supposedly full of rage

Navel-gazing. Sometimes I think it’s underrated.

Someone said to me recently in person that I seem “full of rage.” Hmm. How does one respond to that? Is it even true? Guess it depends on what we mean by “rage.” No, I don’t feel terribly rage-filled, at least not at this point in time, though I do get irritated a good bit. Must all anger be equated with rage? I’m a disgruntled person, that’s a given, but such is life. Not everyone out here can be cheerful in the face of what all we see going on around us. Realizing there isn’t much of anything that can be done to reverse seemingly problematic trends adds to the frustration. A measure of comfort comes from the belief that this is just how life cycles on, that stopping it would be like trying to stop the wind from blowing. Impossible. Gotta learn to live with it.

You know what I don’t understand is how people are trying to police what emotions one another ought to be experiencing. Our emotions are no longer free either? If I’m not harming anyone physically (and have no kids around to damage psychologically), am caring toward animals, am not engaging in “road rage” to such an extreme where people’s lives are placed in jeopardy, am not planning on blowing anything up or shooting anyone — then what does it matter if I’m an angry person? If there’s rage simmering down inside of me, so be it, it’s mine to deal with. For plenty of folks such feelings are earned honestly, so what’s the point in this public press for suppression? So that people never feel free to let on how they may be feeling inside, leading those who are in danger of snapping away from seeking help and airing their grievances? And what’s the good in that? Aren’t we better off being free to acknowledge our feelings versus feeling pressured to push down the “bad” and play up the “good,” living like actors at all times?

But people prefer we make them comfortable rather than be our selves. If who I am or what I’m dealing with makes another person less than perfectly comfortable, I am apparently in the wrong. Huh. But that makes me uncomfortable, does that matter?

Come to think of it, what she assumes is rage is likely just my bewilderment.

Personal disclaimer and ramble for September 2013

No group of people is above being singled out and discussed. We all generalize as needed to point to cultural or social phenomena we’re trying to make sense of and call attention to. But, at the end of the day, these are only generalizations. Take them with a grain of salt, especially coming from me, because my mind has and does change over time in light of new information and experiences. It’s called personal growth and life exploration and it’s good for us.

I could gripe about the working class and poorer folks too, and likely I will at some point. Can’t do all my griping in one day, so give me time.

Gonna say some things that sound pretty ignorant, especially in my videos, video-making being a whole new concept for me and not one I’m catching on to quickly. Think: monkey with a handycam, editing during free evenings while drinking.  drinker  There’s no point in holding high expectations here. ha  There comes a time to take your time, does there not?

But I like writing on here, and hopefully my elaborations help clarify some of my points not discussed in detail in my videos (otherwise they’d be hours long).

People along with all of our social sphere remains fascinatingly complex and interesting to me. Anytime we attempt to discuss one issue from one particular vantage point, it can’t help but be a freeze-frame of just that one type of perspective. But it’s never the whole picture. This is my qualm with statistics as well and how they’re formulated, interpreted, and then misinterpreted by people attempting to bolster their arguments and promote their own perspectives and agendas. No issue is limited to only one or two ‘sides’ worthy of consideration.

We can skate eerily close to talk of relativism here, because yes, everything is indeed relative. Including our own perspectives in how they can shift from year to year, month to month, and day to day depending on what’s impacting us at any given point in time. Makes it tough for me to toe one line when my disgruntlement shifts its focus by the hour. heh

Some of us apparently were born and bred to be bitchers. The world takes all kinds.

I’m not sold on many claims being “cold, hard facts,” preferring to keep more of an open mind. If my brain falls out, so be it.

No group or position or stated ideal deserves to be placed on a pedestal and claimed above critique and scrutiny. That’s religious mumbo-jumbo and little more. Even the most sacred calls for our inquiry and inspection, and why would it not? All of nature is here for us to experience and explore, including ourselves and one another and all ideas brought to the table. One thing we should know by now is any group of people elevated above being scrutinized, inspected, and critiqued will wind up abusing their power in such a position of privilege. In short, we all deserve reality checks from time to time. Me too.

We live in crazy, weird times, and we have this amazing technology at our fingertips, whether we’re any good with it or not. The possibilities are endless on what can be communicated to one another now that so many of us are connected through the internet, and who knows where it all might lead? I assume it’s a matter of time before the internet shrinks in scope thanks to Google buying up all the popular hangout sites, and likely it’s already the case that anything we say and do on here might wind up being wielded against us eventually in the public court of opinion, but screw it. What are we so afraid of? Looking stupid? Saying something we might regret later? Calling potentially negative attention to ourselves? Appearing nuts? Well, so far as I can tell we are all nuts. Some nuts just subscribe to similar beliefs and hence don’t appear as nuts to one another thanks to confirmation bias. But we’re still all nuts.

Oh, and I suppose I’ll add here my belief that all persons are capable of spells of going “psycho.” That’s not a put-down, just an observation from knowing myself and others. Guess it’s not such a big deal so long as it doesn’t get taken to too crazy of extremes to where we’re doing major unnecessary damage. Just part of living. Though ramped up societal pressures and endless bullshit certainly isn’t helping any. Humans get stressed and act it out in various ways. No getting around that, especially not in crazy-making times. But we can try to make sense of it the best we can and think on what might help alleviate the mounting pressure that’s driving people toward anxiousness, depression, and resentment. Would be nice to see more thinking outside of the box here.

But people like to poke one another with sticks and escalate shit. Seems to be a popular form of entertainment. And perhaps we really are descending into an idiocracy, willfully, thanks to so much pandering to the lowest common denominator and technologies that let us be lazy. Perhaps we’re coming to the end of our evolutionary cycle in terms of long-term progress and healthy survival, likely as a result of contaminating our environments and consequently the gene pool. And maybe we, as a species, are already past the point of no return. It’s possible. And maybe it’s not necessarily such a bad thing either, just the way life can go. Life’s irony. Who knows? I surely won’t claim to, but it’s all interesting stuff to ponder. Nothing is off-limits for pondering.