And people wonder where femininity has gone…

Cat dragged in something a little different today. Only have a limited amount of time to write about it right now before heading to work, having just gotten home finally. Am still a bit shaken up and upset. My friends have warned me for years that it may be a matter of time before I run into my own “Mr. Goodbar.” Much as I can’t stand the thought of that, I do appreciate their concern and understand how my lifestyle worries them at times. I’m not afraid to engage with strangers or to head after-hours with people I don’t know to continue conversations. Always been that way and mostly haven’t regretted it. But sometimes I do.

Last night I headed back to the place of a stockbroker and apartment complex owner, letting him know in advance it was only for conversation, guaranteeing nothing more, per my usual disclaimer. Rode with him to a town right outside of the city I live in. Had a nice place, seemed to have his shit together, figured it would be a fine evening. And I was wrong. Shortly after arriving he hit on the pro-life/pro-choice debate and asked my position. I am staunchly pro-choice, as most know, and so I related that. He turned out to be staunchly pro-life. Okay, well, I’ve dealt with plenty of pro-life folks over time and usually we can find some common ground. Not this time. The dude turned into a complete jerk, saying he normally kicks girls out who admit to my stance. Well, I attempted to pull up Uber on my phone so as to get a ride out of there since he became so belligerent, but luck would have it that no Uber driver was available then, which I showed him. Even downloaded the Lyft app and attempted to leave that way, but he’s far enough out I guess to where no one was available on a Sunday night to provide rides from there. I don’t know. Figuring such shit out after an evening of drinking is a bit tricky. Should’ve just called a cab and agreed to pay $40 or more for a lift back into town.

The evening got a bit hazy. I recall drinking a bit of his wine that was already uncorked [stupid, yes, absolutely]. And I recall trying to Uber out of there. And I also recall him saying that he’s booted numerous females in the past for admitting our pro-choice stance at just such an hour and in a similar condition. Next thing I know I’m waking up this morning, having wrapped myself in a blanket and kept away from him. He was butt-naked in nothing but his socks. I never touched the man. Not a kiss. Nothing. Stayed to myself, awaiting a ride back to my car in the morning after his tirade last night left me feeling thoroughly uncomfortable.

This morning I awoke and poured a glass of water, smoked a cigarette on the balcony, and then woke him requesting a ride back into town, as he had promised the night before. But no, he decided to be a total dick. Began calling me a “baby-killer,” a “murderer,” and told me to  get out. Well, I’m sober now and it’s daylight, so no, fuck that, I refused to go easily. I did yell at him. Yes I did. Last night he was so concerned with me keeping quiet, and I acquiesced, but today I had no desire to accommodate him any further. So yeah, I went a bit wild cat on his ass. Told him off in response, loudly, fully understanding his elderly tenants might hear me. Because fuck him. He threw out numerous girls in the past in the middle of the night for simply stating they were pro-choice??  Want to start the day off by calling me a “baby-killer”?  Seriously??  Sorry, folks, but I had had enough of his bullshit. So I went there. Told him I needed him to dress and take me to my car, yet he insisted on remaining rebellious and refusing to do so. He threatened to call the police and I asked him please to go ahead and do so, figuring they wouldn’t charge either one of us for anything but at least a domestic disturbance would be registered for his address. Because fuck him. Every other girl simply accepted being booted in the middle of the night without challenge?? No. Somebody ought to shut his shit down. That was my thinking this morning. If he wants to treat women this way, well, he’s opened himself up to running into a bitch like me along the way. He said he would’ve never brought me home had he known I was so difficult — yeah, well, likewise. I would never have agreed to accompany an asshole stockbroker back to his place had I known beforehand I’d be accused of murder all evening, even without him knowing a damn thing about me or whether I’d ever undergone an abortion, only based on my political stance in that sense.

He threatened me some, but I maintained my physical distance and repeated my demand to be driven back to town to my car. Even went so far as to beg him to do so. He proved smarmy, conceited, and sadistic in his mannerism and comments. A real asshole. Probably the biggest asshole I’ve dealt with since 2008, and that’s saying a lot since I regularly run the barscene and have met my share of jokers over time. He wanted me out, fine, so tell me the address to where I’m at. He refused. I called my close friend and while I had him on the phone this son of a bitch still refused to share his address so I could be picked up. So I grabbed a magazine with his address on it and read it to my friend instead, which this Marc motherfucker tried to take from me. You want me out yet you don’t want anyone to know where to come retrieve me from??  It didn’t make sense. A sadist, like I said. Seemed to enjoy making me squirm, hence why I was such a bitch toward him in kind.

But I maintained my physical distance. The joker said a few times “don’t touch me,” but I was across the room each time he said it. I assume this was for the benefit of any neighbor who might hear us. I didn’t touch the man. Knew better than to do so. My legal mind kicks in in situations like this, thank god, reminding me to watch what I say and to not touch anything or anyone in any way that might be misconstrued as abuse or damaging. Good on me for that, since that indeed appeared to be what he was baiting me to do. Fuck him. Weird ass coward. Extremely strange motherfucker, and no, it matters not how much money he may have. Still a weirdo looking for some kicks that I can’t comprehend entirely.

Anyway, I read off the address to my friend a couple of times and told him I’d be outside waiting for him. Headed out and sat by the road for a while, then this SOB drives by and asks if I want a ride. No, mister, at this point I do not. I obviously had to call for a ride after arguing with your ass for an hour. Fuck you. He drove off, then circled back and taunted me some more while I sat by the road. Then he drove back by a third time offering a ride. All this after a solid hour of refusing to give me a ride, threatening to call the cops, calling me a “murderer” and “baby-killer,” AND telling me to suck his dick if I wanted a ride home. Oh, did I leave that part out before?? My bad. Stupid son of a bitch. Fuck no, I want nothing from your weird ass at this point, mister. Waiting in broad daylight now in 20 degree temperatures for my friend to drive all this way to come get me thanks to your sorry ass.

We live in the Midwest where it’s currently extremely cold, mind you. So this motherfucker was kicking girls out at night when the windchill brought temperatures down below zero. That’s who this sadistic pro-lifer is. Can you understand why I stood up to him and gave him a hard time right back? Are you starting to see why somebody like that might deserve to have some grief flipped right back at him??

Look, I was crying this morning while asking this son of a bitch for a ride to my vehicle. I couldn’t contain my vulnerability had I wanted to. But like I told him point-blank: mister, I am not looking for a fight but I damn sure will give you one if that’s where this is headed. Because somebody has to stand up to pieces of shit like him, and I got all the time in the world to do so. He didn’t seem to expect me to flip him grief right back, which tells me most of the girls he’s treated this way in the past probably sulked and slinked off without giving him any hell. Okay. Maybe they were young. Or maybe they were scared. I understand that. And then he met me, and I can’t quietly stomach assholes like him. Just not in my nature. Right or wrong, I can’t do it. Like I already said, maintained my distance and was careful about legal considerations since I know how some folks roll and how they try to bait you to lose your cool enough to where they can then trap you in some sort of offense. Not happening here. I know how to play this stupid game. Isn’t my first rodeo, mister. Told him he had me fucked up if he thought I’d react like some 22-year-old who hasn’t come across these sort of shenanigans yet. Completely had me twisted if he assumed that was the case.

But I was shaken up. His words were intended to strike deep, but I know that pro-lifers like him aim for maximum impact. Probably the worst one I’ve been behind closed doors with so far, but still. I know how people are and how they can try to mess with you psychologically on such matters. I am aware of the decisions I’ve made in the past, whether this guy did or not, and I also know I made the best decision for myself and my loved ones on that occasion. In fact, the friend who drove out there to get me this morning was the same man I dated once upon a time who went through the abortion process with me as the prospective father. We talked about on the way home how men don’t have to go through this shit, don’t have to hear people call them these names and treated as though their womb is a curse. It is a lopsided ordeal, as we all know. And that son of a bitch stockbroker had no trouble trying to fuck women, trying to get them to perform oral sex on him, trying to intimidate women, yet he can stand back in self-righteous indignation and condemn US for our choices that he himself gives no fuck about helping make necessary. And I told that joker that. Flat-out did. I would’ve sooner hitch-hiked back to civilization before giving that man a blowjob, trust that. So glad to have not laid a finger on him last night. Yup. He might insult the hell out of me, but at least I knew better than to touch his sorry ass.

Another thought occurred to me on the way home this morning. I asked my former partner the other day if I sometimes act like a stereotypical black woman. And by that I mean out of control and loud and obnoxious and manly with my aggressiveness. He kinda agreed that I do at times. Okay. I accept that. I’m a Southerner and black culture stemmed out of Southern culture, so it makes sense. But I hear a lot of men, especially online, complain these days about how women aren’t feminine anymore, how we act too hard, too aggressive, too masculine in our approaches to situations. Okay. But here’s the thing, fellas. Some of these guys out here ensure this is the case, especially dealing with a preponderance of them over the years. You want a soft and sweet woman, but the reality out here calls for something else at times. I know what I’ve come up through and realize why I behave as I do at times, and I can’t help but see it as justified in some cases. Because otherwise people will just walk all over you, and then, thinking they got away with it, continue walking on everybody else they can. The buck has to stop somewhere, so I guess I’ve made it my mission in life when it comes to some males to become an obstacle to such intentions. I don’t suffer foolish assholes gladly. Can’t do it. Won’t do it. Yeah, I may cry during the process since I am an emotional woman, but I will most definitely stand up for myself and others. Period. Might not always do the best job of it, but this is who I’ve become, right or wrong. All I know is I’ve been put through enough with jackasses to where I won’t go silently when they choose to mistreat me or others for no good reason. Just won’t.

Some say that’s dumb of me since I’m likely to wind up hurt eventually. But so be it. Have been hurt before, so I understand that. Doesn’t always turn out well. But at the end of the day these losers at least tend to respect me on that level. They may consider me crazy but they at least learn to cease fucking with me, one by one. And hopefully, with any luck, they’ll think twice about fucking with other females as well since you never know what you’re gonna get. We all can act sweet out in public and then show other colors behind closed doors. Anyone who thinks I’m that easy of a mark has another thing coming. I will fight back in some sort of fashion, even if I’m bound to lose. Though I do prefer diplomacy and remaining reasonable, once someone clearly steps beyond that tactic working, what else can I do? Tuck my tail between my legs and simply let them have their way? Let them stand there trying to humiliate me for no good reason while I remain silent? What, run to the Law with all my social problems? No. I fight back, one way or another. Has that hardened me over time? Probably. Am I less feminine as a result? Undoubtedly. But I don’t even know what femininity is supposed to be anymore. Seems like a weakness on these occasions. I cry, I beg, and they laugh and cajole. So then what? Take the supposed high road? And just let them get away with their bullshit completely unscathed? I have a hard time accepting that.

So yeah, I’m not a sweetheart and never claimed to be. Had that motherfucker been in my home I would’ve removed him by any means necessary. That he lures women back to his home to verbally assault and then kick out in the middle of a winter night unless they agree to perform sexual favors on him is atrocious. No, I cannot and will not let such shit slide. Cannot. Did not. Thanks to his mailing I now have his full name and address and will consider what to do with it. I think other women ought to know to avoid the jerk, but I’m not sure how to go about informing them. Probably can’t do much in that respect, though I am considering at least writing a negative review in regards to the apartment complex he owns. We’ll see what can be done there. He’s a sexual harasser of the highest order, a real snake in the grass whom I just happened to run into last night by chance. Is it my fault for giving time to such an asshole? Apparently. As soon as he told me he was a stockbroker a red flag went up. Never met a decent stockbroker in my life. Should’ve known better. So that was my bad. But other women likely will fall in his trap and be treated poorly, as he already admitted was the case prior. So what’s to be done here? He has enough to lose that he cares about to where he won’t likely go full criminal psycho on a woman, but he at least is intent on being a serious pain in the ass in his own way. I wish there were a way to make a guy like that think twice about his choices there. I wish there were a way to make him reflect on his behavior and treatment of women to where he could fully grasp how uncool this shit is. But I am one woman and don’t possess that much power, so I don’t know what I feasibly am capable of here to warn others to leave him alone. I will most certainly return to that neighborhood bar and let the regulars know to avoid him and will alert the bartender that was on duty last night. But that feels like barely anything at all. This joker will continue to behave as he does and luring women home so as to harass them on his turf, and I’m sure plenty of other females will be made to leave in the middle of the night in freezing weather because this jackass despises their reproductive rights. Ticks me off to no end, but what can I do? He’s not the only jackass out there geared this way. Guess I can only look out for myself and my own neighbors and just hope others wise up to him. But that doesn’t feel like much help to hardly anybody.

What an asshole. Truly.

It’s past time for me to head to work now. Frickin’ joker started off my week on the note of calling me a “murderer,” a “baby-killer,” despite knowing nothing about me. Just because I am a woman in possession of a womb who happens to be pro-choice. Okay. Well, goddamn it. I’d rather be a “murderer” than bring a child into a situation where he or she isn’t fully wanted. And I sure as hell wouldn’t breed with a low-life like that man. It matters not that he has money. The dude is a sorry human being undeserving of being a father if that’s how he wishes to treat people. I don’t know what may have happened in his life to turn his heart so cold toward women or for him to take such a radical pro-life stance to where he feels the need to berate women on account of it. Will never know. But I pray something turns that son of a bitch around and gets him to see the light. Because what he’s doing is wrong. It certainly ain’t right and it helps absolutely no one, including himself. All that money and all that time on his hands, and this is how he chooses to conduct himself as a man in his 40s? That’s sick and sad on so many levels. All I was wanting was interesting conversation last night, as I’m always seeking, and yet here we are. Stupid and pointless is all this turned out to be.


Update 12/28/2016: Saw that weirdo a few days ago for the second time. Ran into him in that same neighborhood bar and confronted him. Fuck it, I was out in public. Realized nearly a day later that my jewelry was missing (probably took it off at some point during the night, per my habit) and asked him about it. Said he had it in his car, invited me to sit down in the stool beside him and paid for my beer. Hmm. This is early that evening so I was sober, being polite enough to wait out him returning my jewelry. A few minutes later he retreated to his car and came back with my earrings and ring in a plastic bag. And once that was over (having already written off ever seeing those earrings again, upset as it made me that I didn’t realize I’d left them there), I resumed my confrontation and asked him a few questions. He asked me how often I come to that bar and was acting pretty strange at first, like he was playing really nice and trying to reassure me he’s not a bad guy. Yeah, well, no. I mentioned some of what had gone down at his home and he instantly began blowing me off, telling me to leave and go elsewhere. So I took my drink to the back room and finished it there. Then returned to him and the guy he was chatting with a few word to say. Told him he should discuss abortion-related matters with people in public before inviting them home if it’s going to be such a contentious subject with him. He began waving his hand and saying “nah nah nah.” Continuing, I said it was messed up that he’d request a blow job in exchange for a ride back to my car, and I told his friend to consider warning his female friends about going anywhere with that dude because he’s fucking weird. Then walked out. Haven’t been back there since.

Not much else I can do. Oh, but on another note, a friend said the guy’s not even a stockbroker. So I did ask this weirdo and he admitted he’s actually a financial advisor. Another friend explained to me that this means he may advise people on stock purchases but isn’t in control of ordering the stock himself. Ah. Then my former began putting two and two together and remembered a man by his description being accused years ago of giving a female friend of his grief at their workplace (a finance firm). This weirdo spoke several inappropriate things to the woman in question and then allegedly waited behind a concrete beam one night for her in the company parking garage. Freaked her smooth out, so she contacted whomever to report the incident. My former partner recalls running into the guy later on and asking if he still worked for that company, and the man said no. Also, strange as this is, my former also recalls nearly 15 years ago this guy walking into a local bar towing a vcr with a video stuck inside, requesting help in getting it out. My former was with the mother of his child and their friends at the time, and he was able to dislodge the stuck video for him. Then this weirdo says to my former that the video he was watching was of his last time having sex with his ex-wife. Shit you not, that’s what I was told. I’ve been instructed to ask the weirdo about that incident if ever we run into one another again, though I doubt I’ll be granted the opportunity after how last time went.

Frickin’ weird dude, ya’ll. That’s all I’m saying. Didn’t mean to meet him and am apparently an idiot for ever giving him the time of day or leaving with him. Bad idea on my part. Lowering of inhibitions is an undeniable feature of drinking alcohol, no question. And this is yet another of those events that force me to stop and seriously reckon with my lifestyle and choices. Has at times led me to interactions with very messed up people I otherwise might’ve possessed the sense to avoid. That’s just a fact of life, so I might as well admit it.

“Gavin McInnes vs. Feminist” (plus my thoughts)

Okay. Listened to both sides in this discussion carefully. Hmmm…while I can understand Gavin’s position on most fronts, near the end his perspective on sexuality came across as pretty one-dimensional. Yes, I know the man is comedic, but Heather actually seemed reasonable in what she was stating there about communication in advance with our sexual partners. He took it to mean that we must ask permission every step in the process, but that’s not how it’s played out in my own sexual experiences nor does it appear to be what Heather was arguing for there. For example, I’ve long been a fan of discussing my safe word with my partners so that it’s crystal clear when I am tapping out and disinterested in what’s taking place. Rarely ever had to use such terms since my partners have generally been considerate lovers, but there of course are some guys who care not whether they make you terribly uncomfortable during sex (beyond a point of enjoyable dominance/submission exploration), and sometimes you don’t realize who those individuals are until you are underneath them in bed. Unfortunate truth that can be.

And it’s there where I think a lot of females are coming up with this notion of so-called “rape culture.” Here’s how it looks to me after years of exploring my sexuality with various partners across various circumstances: when we’re younger we tend to be both most naive and vulnerable and yet highly sought after for sexual access, and this imbalance can create a lot of turbulence and resentment, especially for females following some ideal that isn’t manifesting in reality the way we assumed it would (thanks, in large part, to feminist talk on the subject). The reality is that when we are young and at our most attractive and yet also super naive about the ways of the world, that’s the same time when others (particularly older men) pursue us the most doggedly for sexual access. And they may say or do damn-near anything to gain that access, even if it’s all a bunch of lies and deception, and even if some of them took it so far that we felt overwhelmed and mistreated during the encounter. Now, typically (IME) when a young female goes up against this in exploring their sexuality, there isn’t much support or guidance from others that actually proves beneficial. Our family members may dismiss us as “whores,” as  can our peers, telling us simply that we deserve whatever we received since we were too stupid to protect ourselves from that which we didn’t yet sufficiently understand. And then we had feminist chatter claiming this was somehow the road to “self-empowerment” or that this serves as further proof of male depravity, that this treatment is a direct result of male power and lack of respect for women and that this promises to be ongoing throughout our lives through no fault of our own.

The truth lies between these two extremes and is far more nuanced than most conversations on such topics take into account. In reality, young people are especially vulnerable to sexual predation by older others, whether male or female. Alcohol and other intoxicants only increase this disparity, hence why they are commonly introduced. Then you also have a situation where young people are aiming to assert their independence, although they don’t yet know what they are doing or what the pitfalls may be or how those who pretend to be your friends may actually be grooming you, etc. All of this tends to be learned through trial and error, particularly when the youth in question lacks quality role models and trusted adults they can talk to who won’t simply outright condemn them based on religious convictions or whatever else.

And that brings us to the obvious next problem in all of this: too many of us weren’t raised well. If we didn’t receive proper guidance early on, where did folks expect us to pick it up then? Through simply being intelligent enough to know better? Well, I can attest to being smart enough to avoid certain traps, only to wind up falling into others, and that appears to be common. But when the older women in our lives embrace religious attitudes that we came to rebel against due to them seeming antiquated and unsuitable for our ever-changing modern life, we then turn to the advice of feminists plastered in glossy magazines or in college textbooks, only to wind up misled there as well. It’s a conundrum not easily resolved. Hell, it can take a decade or more just to come to grips with all this conflicting information and to sort out one’s own values and experiences.

Some, like Gavin, place a premium on the notion of the family, yet we live in a time when families are breaking apart faster than ever. Our communities are becoming abstract concepts rather than physical neighborhoods and relationships we can directly identify with. Hence the rising popularity of feminism and political parties in place of more tangible and local support systems. We see this all around us, though we can’t help but differ in our perspectives on what to prioritize and where to place responsibility and how to effectively address these matters. I don’t see either “side” here as necessarily wrong in-full, though both strike me as narrow-minded insofar as they don’t take enough information into their respective folds. The family-focused perspective is worthwhile, as is the female version of individual exploration, but there’s more going on psychologically and socially under the surface than either “side” seems willing to contend with. Or rather, this is the problem with firm ideological stances in that they themselves wind up narrowing down what information is allowed in, lest you be rendered unable to take a firm stance (as is my “problem” at present), which does nothing to further a politicized cause (that being feminism’s primary objective, just as it’s also a major factor for the family-focused position).

Raising people in broken homes with poor support is a recipe for creating persons who can’t or won’t appreciate the importance of family and local community dynamics. And it’s also a recipe for persons to reject the wisdom of old, especially when they are young, in favor of unbridled exploration, some of which may wind up fucking them up psychologically over time (particularly when no real support system exists for examining these life events in a meaningful way). And when these individuals wind up jacked up, the rest of society likes to cajole them and proclaim them to be an example of what not to do after-the-fact, which then further makes these individuals feel marginalized, leading to them “doubling down” in their efforts to resist and perhaps even lash out against what’s viewed as their opposition. So instead of reckoning more honestly with what’s occurred and why, we set up a divided situation of “us vs. them” where people may be driven to become even more entrenched in their chosen ideologies in an attempt to salvage their own sense of self and of personal identity as well as avoiding the thought that they made some horrible mistakes along the way and that responsibility ultimately now lies with them in healing from this past negative encounters. Society as a whole isn’t too helpful when it comes to this form of reckoning because we often can find ourselves on the defense up against purveyors of other belief systems who wish to mock us mercilessly and make examples out of us. That grows very wearing over the years and may explain why some opt to swing to radical extremes within feminism in an effort to protect their fragile sense of self from being overwhelmed by what may feel like another form of attack.

Part of this is just a repercussion of living in the times we do where technologies allow us to come together en masse on the internet, cloaked in anonymity in many cases, spouting off at one another and gnashing our teeth against that which we perceive to be “the problem.” Individuals wind up becoming fodder within these clashes of ideologies. How does one rectify this? I have no idea. But it does appear that when people feel demonized by groups of others, they’re prone to demonize them back in response. And on and on and on it goes. Before you know it the defense becomes the offense. And people grow so entrenched within the ideological camp they’ve come to identify with that they become unwilling to deeply and honestly soul search, preferring instead to not jeopardize the sense of inclusion they feel they’ve found. Because it’s difficult for individuals to stand out here on our own, taking heat from all sides and camps, while trying to openly reckon with where we’ve been and what we’ve been discovering, especially where the truth implicates our own selves in the formation of our problems and obstacles. And most especially that aiming to uncover our truth sets us at odds with those we’ve turned to for support yet we’re just as incompatible with many of those on the opposing end of the spectrum.

For example, I don’t have kids and do not wish to have kids. Contrary to Gavin’s position on the matter, I don’t believe child-rearing to be such a valuable ambition in this day and age for the majority of citizens and would go so far as to say that many folks who have kids would’ve likely been better off not having done so. Why? Because too much is in flux, our communities are falling apart without much hope of being rebuilt in a meaningful way in the near future, the education system is fraught with troubles kids needn’t be exposed to, parents are struggling to balance work and home life in many cases, and basically we’re seeing more kids impacted by their peers than by their elders, etc. I could go on and on there, but that’s a start. Furthermore, despite possessing biological clocks and motherly instincts (to varying degrees), plenty of us have grown up too selfish to make the sacrifices needed to be the types of parents capable of preparing well-adjusted children for taking on the world as it stands now. Others may disagree with me on these points, and that’s fine, but what I’m mostly driving at here is that it all doesn’t merely boil down to a choice between motherhood or corporate ladder-climbing. Some of us reject both of those avenues. And that’s okay. Seems to me life is complicated enough right about now without shouldering the responsibility of trying not to make a mess out of the life of new humans who depend on us for support and guidance when we clearly don’t know what the heck we’re doing in our own lives. But that’s just my view there.

Moving on, yes, I agree with Gavin that it doesn’t make a lick of sense that feminists are defending Islamic traditions while ignoring that those same traditions are the most patriarchal in existence on the planet at this time. Western civilizations are what have allowed feminism to come into being in the first place, and protected women’s rights to pursue personal autonomy in shaping our lives as we see fit despite doing so challenging Christian values of old. It is precisely this Western civilization that feminists are railing against that has proven so permissive in tolerating their perspectives, even when taken to extremes and infiltrating our universities to a staggering degree while proclaiming socialistic aims to be superior to the capitalistic structure our society has been built on. In other words, that we as women have the freedom today to act and live as we do in the Western world is directly correlated with the elevation of individual rights within Western cultures. We would NOT have that under Sharia Law — and if you doubt me, please relocate to Saudi Arabia and find out. Go learn how well feminism is received in countries such as that. We’d love to hear about your experiences, though you may want to vlog during the process since there’s no telling if you’ll be returning to the West in the end of your exploratory “sabbatical.”

[And on a related note, this is a BIG problem I have with people like Hillary Clinton claiming to be a champion of women’s rights while at the same time taking money from the Saudi royal family, just as George W. Bush and Bill Clinton did before her. It’s shit like that that makes our two-party system look like a ridiculous sham, along with both parties receiving extraordinary funding from Goldman Sachs as well. But that Hillary Clinton can pretend to care about women’s rights when she’s in cahoots with leaders of Saudi Arabia is jaw-dropping to someone like me. Makes her appear to be little more than a politician out for herself, period, the rest of us be damned. She’s not the first to embrace that strategy, as already acknowledged, but she’s certainly done nothing to sever such ties and change directions. And if that’s what feminism has come to be today, then good riddance. We don’t need it any longer if that’s the case. And I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.]

That’s admittedly a confusing amount of cognitive dissonance there. White men are blamed full-force, yet the progress made by feminism was supported by countless of white males. Read all about it. Same is true of civil rights among black folks, as well as the abolition of slavery. White males have most certainly not categorically proven to be our enemies — quite the contrary — and that deserves to be stated and recognized. Yet this ideological position refuses to allow its adherents to do so since that might undermine its central tenants. Then it’s an ideology not worth following if it cannot allow its followers to be honest with themselves or to critically assess the information available regardless of whether the facts bolster its cause. And this is where feminists keep losing me, time and again — for as academic as so many of them claim to be, their biases tend to get in the way to such an extent that it’s mind-boggling. We’re left debating the same old talking points again and again, and like Heather demonstrated there, when the topic turns to these obvious examples of cognitive dissonance she and her comrades default to cultural relativism in order to avoid scrutinizing the conflicting claims. I cannot go for this. Will not. It’s intellectually dishonest and leads nowhere productive. Just encourages an endless reel of circle-jerking within echo chambers and repetitive weak talking points that cannot get to the heart of the matter. Basically, it keeps feminists believing they’re relevant, especially within academe, despite they themselves demonstrating this is decreasingly the case.

What else? Cat-calling….meh. First world problems. Threats are one thing, but random, crude flirtations are another. For the record, the crudest cat-calling I’ve received over time has all come by way of black men, including the most menacing behavior and comments. That’s my truth. Speaking as someone born and largely raised in Mississippi who now resides in a (predominantly white) Midwestern city. Can we talk about that without being labeled as racists? Likely not. But if I went off about white males specifically, who’d have a problem?

That’s the problem. The narrative is being spun to where everybody but white males are deemed to be victims of white males, nevermind any evidence to the contrary. Where’s the fairness in that? This is what people mean when they say feminism’s pendulum has swung too far to an extreme. It’s become nonsensical and willfully ignorant of facts. Now, granted, Gavin might not be the best guy to have a deeply thoughtful discussion with on such topics, considering he’s angling to entertain his audience rather than remain serious. But plenty of us out here have gotten to where we are thanks to support and guidance and friendship extended by white males. Even with sex completely taken off the table. And even where we’re not in a position to reciprocate their generosity in equal measure. Does that cease to matter? Surely some will claim such talk is my internalization of “white male supremacy and patriarchy.”  Ugh. Can’t frickin’ be real with people who choose to view life in such a compartmentalized fashion.

I’ve had my share of problems with all sorts of males, but so too have I had my share of problems from other women, namely feminists who speak over me and dismiss my life experiences as peripheral anomalies. That’s bullshit, quite frankly. Basically, if we don’t all toe the same line, then our opinions, ideas and stories somehow don’t count. That’s a group-speak perspective, and it’s bullshit. So much for celebrating unique expressions of individuality. Doesn’t count when we veer too far off the beaten path forged by feminists apparently. A person can be as wacky and wild as she dares when it comes to fashion and aesthetics and other trivialities, but we may NOT contradict the feminist narrative lest we be deemed “self-hating” or “standing in the way of Progress” or too stupid to appreciate what all our feminist sisters have supposedly done for us. Ugh. It’s so crazy. Fully and completely mind-boggling.

This is why I so rarely choose to touch on such topics these days. Frickin’ irritating to wade through, though Heather showed herself in that interview to be more reasonable than plenty of other feminists I’ve encountered. At least she didn’t talk over Gavin and throw a fit and get all sassy and condescending. The narrative as it’s being spun just looks ludicrous to me in terms of how much is left out of it. Also, what may sound good in theory or look good on paper doesn’t mean it will translate as hoped in actual reality. If humans haven’t learned that lesson by now I’m not sure what else it will take. Personally, I think the best thing any of us could do right about now is slow our roll and take time with a wide assortment of information, for years on end, rather than jumping to conclusions and joining political causes aiming to overhaul Western civilizations in an effort to bring about some utopian fantasy that very, very likely will turn out to usher in a nightmare. But plenty of people don’t see it this way, so all I can do is sit back and observe hell on earth being constructed. And that’s a frustrating realization, to know that all the reasoning in the world can’t penetrate where it’s not wanted.

Very disturbing testimony from Detroit mom who tortured and killed and froze 2 of her kids

“No remorse” Mitchelle Blair did clearly state:

Fucked up as it is, watch it all the way through.

Her full testimony minus the reporters’ input from before:

Emotionally-incestuous relationship with a child becomes blatantly clear in this case. Very, very sad.

Sentencing testimony plus the judge’s reaction (7/17/15):

Mitchelle lashes out against the fathers (plus one woman’s commentary on the matter):

Tragic case all the way around. Hard to see any silver lining in lives lived like that. Fucking terrible…

VERY interesting conversation between Tommy Sotomayor and a woman named April

Hmmmmm…very thought-provoking. Worth a full listen, now paused 1:17:09 into it. Continuing watching…

We are indeed our own worst enemies sometimes…

[Hadn’t yet watched the former video referenced in that one before viewing it.]

Did wind up watching the preceding videos, but they’ve since been marked private, which I can understand.

Mid-November 2016 journaling (on reacting to trifling women)

Blustery, cold day over here. Have a few things on my mind lately so might as well journal it out.

A few days ago my former and I headed out to my bar for a couple drinks on his birthday. And, as luck would have it, a certain 20-something female walked in (of all days to do so) who’s been trying to flirt with him in weeks prior and approaches him when I’m in the bathroom. Typical sheisty move that most of us are familiar with. Maybe not a major deal, but I tire of the way females like to behave while he and I are out in public together, especially considering it’s become so rare for us to go out together anymore. Mostly because we keep running into issues like this involving other females who, for whatever reasons, apparently want what they want and care not how they make other women feel.

Well, it irritates me. Makes me wonder why this is fast becoming the norm among females, why we seem to be coming up lacking any respect for other people’s boundaries and relationships, why we seem increasingly geared toward selfishness and a total lack of concern for how our choices and actions impact others. Is this a problem specific to females alone? No, but it’s noteworthy there, I do believe. We females may not be prone to criminality the way males generally are, but we do appear to be prone toward wreaking havoc in the social sphere, perhaps because that’s our sex’s greatest sphere of influence.

Don’t know, but tired of observing it continuing to unfold in these patterned ways. This leaves me perplexed on how best to handle the matter. Simply walk away from the situation? That basically feels like letting them have their way. Call them out on this bs? Then they’re prone to either cry victim or become aggressive, thereby further escalating tensions. Try to be diplomatic? People like to lie to your face, telling you whatever you want to hear, and then go right back to doing whatever it is they want to do, unhindered. So, I don’t know the best approach. But I do know I feel like I’m getting too old for this crap, like there ought to come some point where understandings can be forged and maintained, though I realize that to be wishful thinking since we’re all a bunch of strangers in various stages of personal development.

So, what then? Well, I got a little catty. Returned and asserted my presence, took my seat, and basically let her know (without cursing) in very few words that I’m not interested in playing this game. And let it be understood this was a sober exchange — he and I had only finished a couple beers after he got in from dinner with his son. Didn’t necessarily wish to be catty, but I saw no real alternative in this scenario since she, from what I’ve observed thus far in her interactions with others, will take a mile if given an inch. Figured it was better to cut it off at the gate and be done with it, to let her know in no uncertain terms that I’m not tolerant of her antics. And then he and I left.

Now, he was a little embarrassed by this, so we exchanged words when we got back to his place. Apparently I take too strong of an approach in handling other women, in his view. But I tell him that you have to, that lots of women will just plow right on through your subtle hints. He plays the sweetheart out in public, and people like him for this but they also tend to try to take advantage of him as well. I’m rougher in my mannerism, and the downside to that is I probably come across as a lot less approachable, which to some may seem like a bad thing. I’d argue it’s both positive and negative, that sometimes it’s for the best to not be appealing to anybody and everybody since that then reduces the unnecessary drama others bring me. He felt I should’ve just ignored her or at least not reacted until she had crossed a more serious line. Okay, but why is it automatically wrong to act preemptively when you’ve already assessed this person and figure on them most likely doing just that in due time? In other words, why give them the opportunity to create that drama in the first place?

He and I had to agree to disagree on this subject, as is so often the case between us since we’re such incredibly different types of people. He is far more agreeable than I am and prefers to avoid short-term conflict; I’d rather get things over and done even if that causes some tension that others might prefer to avoid. He said I likely only further encouraged her to cause problems going forward, but I’d argue that there’s really no clear way to stop a person like that, but you don’t have to stand by being tolerant of their shenanigans with your lips sealed. Continue reading

“Interview with Dr. Jordan B. Peterson | Free Speech & Social Justice”

A video by Roaming Millennial:

Stating this before such talk is labeled as “hate”…

Gotta say it. This trans/gender-fluid argument is going off the rails. When people seriously claim that the sexes don’t truly exist, I have to wonder what planet they’re living on.

While gender isn’t always concretely binary, that doesn’t make it merely a social construct capable of being ignored. Especially when only a very small fraction of the population identify as transgendered.

Let it also be understood here that I hold no outright contempt toward transgendered persons or gay folks or whomever else on that portion of the spectrum. Your dilemma is accepted by me as a real concern to you, at least in many cases (can’t claim to comprehend the furries movement, apparently similar to the clinical designation of lycanthropy). BUT, that aside, that doesn’t mean I personally am willing to allow any group of people, regardless of their motivation, to dictate to me and others what pronouns we must use when addressing them, especially when that list includes 29 possible preferences (and growing). That’s ludicrous! And it’s absolutely an encroachment on one’s freedom of speech. You can share your preferences and others may choose to accommodate you, but that’s not something to be forced by Law. That right there is when the situation veers into seriously unnerving terrain that deserves deep scrutiny and public discussion from all sides.

And to refuse to allow that public debate to occur is further encroachment on our rights to free speech and assembly. Like, WTF? Where are we living now, Russia?? While I can appreciate that people are sensitive to feeling they aren’t being taken seriously, we do not have the right to jam our preferences down everybody else’s throats or to manipulatively utilize the legal system to provide us with protection from simple realities, like that not everybody else agrees with us or our lifestyle choices.

Look folks, I know what it’s like to be discriminated against and have been called more names than I care to recount over the years. Does it hurt sometimes? Absolutely. Can that leave an emotional scar in some cases? Yes. But can the Law protect me from other people’s opinions and beliefs and words? No. How do you enforce that? And more importantly, why would you even want to? Restrict them and next time around it will wind up being you restricted from speaking your mind, you better believe it.

I’m not a fan of folks screaming at others to grow thicker skins either, especially while they do their best to hurl unfair insults and hack away at your sense of identity. But we all do deal with this, to whatever degrees, and that proves unavoidable. The Law can’t rectify these social tensions and, in fact, can exacerbate the harm created in such situations by playing favorites among the groups in question. See, here’s the thing: power doesn’t cede itself, and our governments aren’t in this day and age actually interested in benevolently defending our interests (assuming they ever were). What power we grant our governments will then wind up wielded to suit the agendas deemed most beneficial for its own power grabs, as has long been the case. That’s not merely a conspiratorial or cynical view, it’s a reasoned assessment of how Power tends to operate. Meaning, at bottom, it’s really not about you or me or the white guys down the street or black folks or whomever else. It’s about Power consolidating itself where possible, and it will use me or you or others in an effort to continue that strategy. Period. Regardless of what platitudes are offered to lull you into a sense of trusting complacency.

Government powers deserve to be treated and regarded with skepticism and care. Bureaucratic structuring all into itself promises to complicate beyond our wildest imaginings any situation it inserts itself into. Concentrated power schemes don’t simply stop where we’d wish they would, as should be obvious enough by now.

Am I a “hater” or “transphobic” because I believe these issues deserve to be discussed publicly and not treated as if taken for granted because that’s what gender studies professors promote? No. I am an open-minded individual with balances within my own personality and “gendered identity” (as a so-called cis-gendered hetero female, that being the language people like to use these days) that include both masculine and feminine persuasions in a rough and unequal split that, come to find out, others can find annoying and difficult to comprehend and handle (presumably because I’m not conforming properly to feminine gender roles or whatever else, yet am not a tomboy — don’t get along with gaggles of females, prefer male social interaction, and yet am very much a female — judged for my own sexual ways of being, but also understanding how I too tend to judge others of similar persuasions, etc.). So I get that much. But that doesn’t mean the Law can remedy this issue one iota for me or for you. People don’t alter their opinions based simply on what is legal or illegal, as we all ought to know by now. You might succeed at silencing enough of them, for now, but then their ambitions will take other less honest and less straight-forward shapes, which you will still be forced to contend with at some future point in time. Mark my words there.

Life isn’t simple. Never will be. And it isn’t fair across the board. Never will be. Life is tricky and maddening. And sometimes what we think we want one year we later learn would’ve created our worst nightmare had it succeeded. Part of growing up and exploring more of living.

There’s much more I could say on this topic but I am pressed for time at the moment.


Back in the summer I got into a disagreement with a buddy over the concept and popular usage of the term “Marxism,” and it’s been gnawing at the back of my mind ever since. Why? Probably because I reacted so strongly, which isn’t the first time, yet continue to find it difficult to clearly articulate my aggravation in this realm. Going to briefly attempt to elaborate on that tonight since I’m back awake at 4am and need a distraction until heading back to bed.

Okay, my irritation here is two-fold: 1.) Karl Marx himself didn’t advocate for plenty of what’s been unfolding under his name; and 2.) The term “Marxist” itself has become a knee-jerk buzzword for those standing in opposition to Leftism that winds up watered down through loose usage to where its meaning is muddled and apparently poorly understood by many (like the term “socialism” as well), which then winds up obscuring more than it illuminates in discussions.

Let me stop there to acknowledge the many criticisms I’ve heard over the years about Karl Marx’s expressed views. He took an anti-capitalist stance that continues to rankle plenty of my fellow Americans, which is understandable. And while I am familiar with a good many excerpts of Marx’s writings, particularly those reported secondhand by other authors to expand upon their own arguments (whether supportive or critical of Marxist ideology), I haven’t cover-to-cover read up on his espoused philosophy firsthand in great depth. Probably because his philosophy doesn’t intrigue me that incredibly much. But, so too, the majority of people I wind up discussing these matters with aren’t much more familiar with Marx’s writings either, many of them having received their information relating to his and Engels’ philosophy primarily through secondhand sources as well. So, none in these routine discussions I personally encounter and participate in can claim to be scholars on this topic, myself obviously included.

Here’s where I get uncomfortable in such conversations. Some folks who are critical of the Political Left and all social theories associated with that end of the spectrum tend to fall into the same trap as Leftists do who critique, say, the Austrian school of economics which is associated with the Political Far Right. All winds up blamed on a handful of popular thinkers whose names have come to be figureheads for the movements/social theories being griped about, while those doing the griping aren’t actually all that familiar with what those particular individuals’ contributions really were. This might sound like a stupid quibble on my part, but I find it pretty aggravating to repeatedly have all Leftist attitudes (or that which is perceived to be) of today blamed on thinkers like Marx despite countless people since his death having taken his philosophy and expanded it to where it barely resembles what he initially put forth. Like the notion of “cultural Marxism,” which basically took his economic framework and altered it to declare the relevant strata to be about gender/sex and race rather than purely socioeconomic classifications. To me that’s a big jump away from the original intention of the social theory, basically creating a wholly separate and new social theory in its own right. Yet plenty don’t see it this way and attribute “cultural Marxism” to Karl Marx as though it were directly his brainchild. It was not. And this then leads to some folks getting pretty hostile about him and dismissing anything and everything he ever said, which to me seems to be going a bit too far. He’s not some wicked, horrible human from the past who intentionally sought to cause problems for generations to come — he was just one person sharing his ideas and thoughts. What others later do with those ideas is on them.

I guess I have a hard time understanding getting so bent over a dead economic philosopher/social theorist. His ideas were just that: ideas. Not dictates he was capable of enforcing, especially considering the man had little power in his own life. And it doesn’t make much sense to continually blame him for all that’s been done in his name over the last century. If Marx were alive today I’d be willing to bet that he too would be critical of the spin-off movements that adapted his philosophy to serve their own ideological interests since they seem so loosely associated with what he actually professed and was taking issue with in his day and age. But then again, life has dramatically and rapidly changed throughout the 20th century to such an extent that expressions of late-19th century anxiety over rising industrial powers can today look to us to be little more than Luddite worries in coping with technological developments. His philosophy was a product of the times he lived in and is understandable when examined in that context, regardless of whether we agree with him or not.

Yet sometimes when people talk on these matters they aim to vilify the man on a personal level. Like he was some horrible ogre introducing dangerous thoughts to societies and all that’s come to pass since is somehow ultimately his fault. This bothers me. We’re each responsible for our own selves and what we opt to do with information we choose to work with, regardless of original source. By extension, I also come up against a number of folks casting blame against the entire Frankfurt School due to its association with Marxist philosophy. One author I’ve read a great deal over the years, Erich Fromm, was a member of the Frankfurt School and yet his views expressed in his books could be quite critical of Marxist claims and most especially political ideologies in general. Hence why I appreciated Fromm’s writings. But then others learn of this and, despite never having explored his works themselves, accuse me of basically being some pinko commie-supporter. Ugh. I do tire of that.

We should be able to sit with any information without being chided for doing so. I aim not to discriminate on that level. The ideas themselves are deserving of being hashed out, the source unto itself not being the primary concern. I’m not afraid to play with ideas from various camps and schools of thought. I do not regard information itself to be dangerous — the potential for misuse exists for anything under the sun.

This is reminiscent of how Friedrich Nietzsche’s writings grew in popularity among Nazis, despite that being an emerging movement Nietzsche appeared cautious of and very likely had no desire in aiding. But once he went insane and later died, his work could be utilized by whomever to promote whatever cause, even those which he would have openly defied. Same is true for anybody else who ever lived and put pen to paper. Others can run with what’s put out there — that can’t be controlled for. Nor should it be.

I guess part of what bugs me here is feeling squeezed on all sides. For example, when I have read from Austrian authors like Friedrich Hayek, that’s taken as evidence by some Leftists that I’m some pro-corporatist, pro-1%, hyper-individualist asshole belonging on the Right. And the same winds up being true when I defend exploring social theories associated with the Left in conversations with more conservative folks. Look, not everybody is interested in being on a team. Both political extremes appear crazy to me. However, ideas, regardless of where they come from, are all on the table. I do not automatically discriminate against them due to their source and typically am able to find some granule of value in nearly anything I take time to examine. There’s no shame in that.

Maybe it’s how anti-academic these trends feel to be. People group up on either side of the aisle and then refuse to explore the materials the opposing “side” is working with. Both just wind up accusing one another of being haters, of being up to deliberate chicanery, and real dialogue breaks down as a result. I can’t talk to people on either side of the political divide without having to traverse their preferred buzzwords and terms and concepts, plenty of which can seem problematic to leave unchallenged. But challenge them and it’s as if you’ve branded yourself as the enemy in the eyes of the person you’re attempting to converse with. I don’t like that. Makes communication harder than need be, as if it’s not tricky as hell already.

So much feels like doublespeak these days. And so many are prone to parrot what others they associate with claim, even if at bottom it appears like a gross oversimplification. Marx isn’t a devil. Nor is Hayek. They were just men trying to make sense out of the world, working from their own unique perspectives. Take ’em or leave ’em. This trend toward demonization of that which makes us uncomfortable is getting out of hand, and that’s true on the Political Left as much as it’s true on the Political Right. What’s wrong with being a skeptical explorer of all sorts of ideas and claims and information? And what’s wrong with examining information and ideas with an open mind before leaping to conclusions? Nothing. In fact, that would seem to be the intelligent approach we’d wish to promote. And yet, it’s not so much. That kinda worries me.

Yeah, I do get riled sometimes when these topics come up. Mostly because they wear me the hell out over time. Hence why it’s October and I am just now finally getting around to elaborating on this subject after the disagreement in question occurred back in May or June. Couldn’t formulate my thoughts for a while there. Just wished to escape all such talk and focus elsewhere for a spell. The common jargon employed gets to feeling icky, like if I swallow that I’m sliding down into another rabbit hole that promises more brain-numbing absurdities. And that’s why I just can’t firmly get with any ideological movement or activist branch. Feels much freer to remain as far outside of all that as possible, and to critique all sides of it. Because I can’t figure out what exactly folks think it is we’re supposed to all be loyal to these days. A party? A pet cause? Maintaining a way of life? Opposing that which they deem to be “evil”? Bah. Seems the underlying principles themselves are what really deserve our careful scrutiny. But instead it devolves into “us vs. them” squabbles.

I don’t know. Ideologies blow my mind. I don’t hate Karl Marx or blame him for our modern social problems. I don’t hate the notion of socialism, nor capitalism. Not a fan of communism, admittedly, nor fascism. I’ve long been critical of the position taken by Milton Friedman, but I don’t hate him either. Am still willing to listen to recordings of him speaking and can find areas of agreement with him, despite viewing him and the rest of the Chicago School of Economics as promoters of corporatism (which, by its very nature, winds up undermining and dismantling free market capitalism — a topic for another day). I can simultaneously be critical of someone like Friedman and yet still appreciate the nuggets of valuable insight he did bring to the table. And the same is true of Karl Marx. Neither of them are worthy of hate nor pedestalization. In short, we’re not all divvied up on teams with these dudes serving as our mascots.

Obviously not all of this is directed toward my buddy or is relevant to the disagreement we had. Just trying to elaborate on these thoughts while the will to do so was present. Everyday I feel a bit torn in my response to how modern life is unfolding, on one hand wishing to speak out and share information, on the other preferring to remain secluded in my cave away from all the nonsense and political clashing. The latter has been winning out in recent months. Feels like being bombarded with information overload most days. Nearly any area you care to zone in on, especially while online, winds up leading to confronting ideological battles. I don’t typically mind confrontations, but after a while they wear a person down and shorten the temper. Usually not the fault of the person I wind up snipping at, just that they’re the latest in a long line of folks I’ve been struggling to effectively communicate with. I wish there were ways to address the social phenomena and behaviors in question without the use of buzzwords and limiting categorizations being bandied about. It gets to feeling stifling, and I can react with defensiveness at times, usually because it’s frustrating that so many attempts to meaningfully converse can turn into a hoop-jumping contest of some fashion. I suck at hoop-jumping, for the record.

That’s enough for now. Need a bit more sleep before heading to work.

“2015 Personality Lecture 12: Existentialism: Dostoevsky, Nietzsche, Kierkegaard”

A very interesting lecture from Dr. Jordan Peterson:

Crazy bitches

Oy. Stumbled across some examples of really annoying SJWs (that is, Social Justice Warriors / a.k.a. feminazi-type feminists).

Crazy bitch #1:

Crazy bitch #2:

A gaggle of crazy bitches up in Canada:

Holy geez. There’s no communicating with people like that. It really is Orwellian the direction that whole Leftist (or whatever we’re to call it) movement is taking. Truly is.