Urges will remain into the indefinite future

Had a dream last night. In it I was at some small, out of the way bar I had never been to before, accompanied by a few friends, and decided to order a drink. The beer I had ordered arrived, but it wasn’t beer. Someone said something about the drink containing vodka, but it tasted like a sweet white wine. I recall the way the bartender looked at me very curiously. And I took the small glass and sipped its contents. Felt rewarded for a moment. Inside my head began the struggle between enjoying this one libation and throwing caution to the wind and going ahead and drinking my fill for the evening. Seems that in the dream I opted to carry around the cup rather than down it and refill it. There were a bunch of vehicles around, including some that didn’t appear capable of running, like we were out on somebody’s private property. I can’t recall who the friends were who surrounded me, but I heard us laughing. Then I woke up to the alarm blaring.

The urges remain, as they likely will continue for a long time. Nothing I can do about that. Though so far I haven’t had many dreams about drinking alcohol. Just every once in a while one pops up into my imagination. Habits die hard. But this dream contained no profound insights or interesting events. It was humdrum and felt typical. The only part that really stands out to me about it was being presented the clear, slightly fizzy concoction in the small cup that looked nothing like beer with the unknown bartender looking at me in a peculiar way. Though I can recall feeling a rush of release, the sensation of the floodgate coming down when I give into temptation. Experienced that feeling many times in the past and know it well. It feels elating, pleasurable, welcome — the opposite of holding myself back and restricting my access. But with the latter comes a greater long-term payout: increased satisfaction with myself and my decisions.

Not much more to it than that. Decided to record it here regardless since most dreams evaporate within a few short hours if I don’t trap them in writing.

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