$300+ down the hole (journaling on a Sunday in July)

Another day, another dollar evaporating into thin air.

Neighborhood kid was batting rocks in our parking lot yesterday and shattered the back windshield of my car. irked_smilies  Neighbors warned them to quit doing that, but young wannabe-hooligans don’t listen. Shattered the whole fucking windshield. Three hours later I finally found out about it despite being in my apartment the whole time. Downstairs neighbor man said he tried to knock on my door, but I wish they’d knock louder. Didn’t hear him. Walked out last night at 7:30pm heading to the car to go over to my former partner’s place for dinner when the woman across the hall told me of it and which kid was responsible.

Called the police so as to file a vandalism report, but after waiting outside for over an hour for them I wound up calling back and telling them nevermind. Couldn’t wait out there all night for the cops to show. Had a witness to the incident too. Called my insurance company but of course the windshield repair will cost less than my deductible. Set up an appointment to drive my car into a nearby town to have it worked on tomorrow morning. About to head outside soon to knock the rest of the glass out and hopefully keep it all from caving in to my backseat.

Confronted the mother of the kid and her boyfriend last night. Immediately she tried saying it wasn’t her kid and that she wasn’t about to pay for shit. Told her I’m going to have to report this to the landlord since her kids have already been responsible for several other damages (including spray painting gang-related symbols and words on our garbage dumpster — since painted over by the landlord). Told her to come outside and hear from the other neighbors who know more about what happened than I do. They told her what they knew and confirmed it was indeed her kid responsible.

My former partner had invited me to dinner earlier, so I called him and asked him to come over to look at the damage and help in figuring out what to do. Showed up grumpy, per his norm anymore. When he and I were finally about to take off, the mother of the kid started getting into it with the lady from across the hall. Don’t know why, don’t care. Sick of all this drama ramping up around here.

Rode with him back to his place where the next phase of the evening unfolded. Somehow, some way, we wound up fighting. I said some little thing that he didn’t like that I figured was no big deal, then the spiral commenced. He was drunk when he arrived to pick me up, was at the bar when I had called earlier at 6:30pm, and proceeded to drink more once we got back to his place. Turned into a clusterfuck. And somewhere in all of that he brought up the past from 5 years ago ONCE AGAIN! Like ALWAYS. Was grumpy that my incident had ruined his day (come to find out much later, around 11:15pm, that he had been invited to go boating with a friend and apparently was resentful that he hadn’t gone and then wound up having to deal with my property damage incident — had he just mentioned that earlier, I would’ve told him to go boating, but no, he saved that up to berate me with later in the evening). Ya know, it was already a stressful situation since I have to spend money on repairs now. Why must he always compound anything that’s already going wrong? I don’t know. Pisses him off when I have a problem. Even though I wasn’t freaking out or acting a fool and was being as calm as one could hope. Just pisses him off to have to deal with any of my issues apparently.

The argument progressed and only got uglier.

[TMI removed.]

We’re too old for this. This shit makes life feel so impossibly difficult and nonsensical and futile.

He is right in that I care more about this than he does. But I can’t fix it. There is no redemption possible here and I have to quit searching for it. He keeps telling me he doesn’t trust me, and I don’t think he wants to trust me. To have someone resent you this much is no good. The pain keeps paying forward and won’t cease. Six-and-a-half years we’ve known one another, much of which we’ve been at each other’s throats. And what’s there to show for it? Other than a few life lessons, what has been the outcome? We don’t trust one another and likely never will again. Too much has been said and done that can’t be taken back.

While trying to get myself in a better situation the last thing I can handle right now is being told I’m stupid and a pain in the ass and somehow the originator of all problems. If that’s so, then I really don’t want him here any longer. I have a right to move on and to try to become happier than this. Why invite somebody around if you think that low of them and tell them so? And why do I keep going around when I know he will these mean things time and again? Why don’t I have more self-respect than this?? What’s the point in putting up with this?

He can tell himself whatever he wishes. And he can crawl up in that bar and drink himself jaundiced again and there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s nothing I can do about it, God. I have to take better care of myself now. He’ll blame me no matter what, whether I’m there or not, but I can’t let myself keep focusing on that. I didn’t ruin that man, he’s ruining himself. And I don’t want to go back down there with him, not that he wants me there anyway. He needs someone to blame, but I’ve taken on as much guilt as I can bear up under. I can’t do it anymore. This is not my load to bear. I can’t control the outcome for other people. And I can’t save him because I can barely save myself. Not that he will accept any help anyway. Don’t want to watch him do the “slow death” anymore, especially now that I’m working to get away from all of that.

People who’ve quit drinking have told me for years that you have to cut certain people out of your life in order to move forward. But I never wanted to hear that. But I do know it’s true. I am fucking miserable and can’t keep it together in this situation. Just keeps undoing any progress I manage over and over again. Not saying it’s his fault, just saying that he’s not a good influence anymore, if he ever really was. We had nothing in common hardly beyond the booze, and now that I’m leaving that I was worried that this all might come to an end. But if that’s the case then so be it. I have a right to save myself. I love him very much and always will, but this pain has to stop. This is helping nobody, only driving people away from me since I’m so emotionally messed up in dealing with this crap year after year. I don’t want to lose my true friends. And I don’t want people to see me as weak because I tolerate this bullshit. I don’t want to feel weak any longer. I know I can do better than this and will.

Wish it didn’t have to be like this, but I see no other way out. Cared about him as my friend, but his anger at me causes me to not like myself anymore. And I have to live with me, so that’s no good.

People like to use the term “codependent,” but the label doesn’t matter so much as realizing the toxicity of the dynamic at play. We learn roles early on and grow familiar and wind up repeating them, consciously or subconsciously. I’ve known this about him and me for years already, and yet still haven’t found the gumption to make it stop. Because I do love him and didn’t want to give up on us. I do see the positive in him, but we’re no good around one another. Bring out the worst in each other. Like a sadomasochistic clusterfuck. He hurts, I hurt. We’ve hurt one another. I cry, he begrudgingly plays the role of the “nice guy.” We make sacrifices and then resent the other for not caring enough. I share, he shares, but there’s tit-for-tat score-keeping going on behind the scenes. I scream, he screams, and on and on it goes. This is maddening. Sometimes I don’t barely remember who I used to be.

All for what? What are we so scared of that we keep running back to one another? Why do we act as if this is somehow better than directly engaging with the outside world instead? Are we just lonely? No, I don’t think so since loneliness can be satiated by other people. Have we grown comfortable in our discomfort? Perhaps to a point. Yet the discomfort is so great that it’s unavoidable. It’s like we’ve had one another in a stranglehold where guilt is the chain. We did wish for improvement, just never figured out how to make it happen. Not possible between us. Too much water under the bridge, even as friends. There is no possibility for forgiveness or redemption here. All has turned to shit and so deserves to be abandoned by now. Can’t fix it. Tried for the last time.

Sometimes wish I could just get hatefully angry at him and harness that again. But no, that was an awful feeling too. I don’t hate him and don’t wish to hate him. Right now I just wish for the strength to walk away and stay away.

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Spoke to him on the phone tonight. Said what was left to be said. Told him to leave me be for a long time, to not try to reach out to me, to which he agreed. He said he was sorry, that he said things last night he didn’t mean. But I don’t know whether to believe these apologies anymore. Just empty words. Then he said we’ll talk again eventually, that this is not goodbye forever, and that worries me. Told him I don’t know about that, that maybe we should go our own ways permanently. To which he said we can still talk and that I can still call if I have concerns with my car. And that’s the hook. I see it for what it is now.

Pains me greatly to do so, but I am walking away now.

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