Reflecting Tuesday morning

Another new dawn, another new day…

My former partner chewed my ass a bit last night over the events from the night before after imparting all the details. Which I can understand and admittedly deserve. My risk-taking ways have led me to a lot of dark places and asshole people over the course of my life. He’s right that the situation could’ve gone way worse and that it’s not fair to my loved ones to keep putting myself in these compromised positions. Makes them feel like all their advice given ultimately proves meaningless and that I’ll just wander out and do whatever I wish regardless. Guess I’ve been geared this way for so long and always managed to find my way out that I take as granted that I always will be able to do so, but that is naive on my part and I know that.

Yesterday was a very long and emotional day. My former actually thinks I should’ve called police when the jackass was being menacing and requested a ride either home or to the police station to await being picked up by a friend later. Guess I rarely think to call the police for help, especially for myself. Just barely even dawns on me since it feels like wasting their time. He thinks that guy deserves to be noted in police files because it’s a matter of time before he puts a woman out in the middle of the night in subzero temperatures with nowhere nearby to retreat to for help before someone winds up seriously harmed, and I can see his concern there. Hence why I refused to leave when an Uber proved unavailable, fearing the outdoors a bit more than the situation unfolding before me at the time. Perhaps I place too much credence in my ability to keep myself relatively safe when up against unknowns of that nature. [Still can’t fully agree with my former’s position on this point though. Not a fan of involving police in social matters unless their presence is unarguably necessary. I understand where he’s coming from, just don’t agree that the situation spiraled so far out of control or ramped up to an extent that warranted their involvement. He and I will have to agree to disagree there.]

Could’ve been worse. And he thoroughly got that point across last night. My former partner was really angry at me for not using my head before the fact. And he’s right. Can’t contest anything he said. I do play Russian roulette with my own safety and well-being more often than I should, believing I’ll generally come out of it okay in the end. And that’s a false sense of security, which I do recognize. The world is full of plenty of crazy people, and you never truly know what you’re going to come up against. I read so many upsetting news stories and am aware of what’s out there, having also met my fair share of crazies over time. They exist even in cities like this where crime is pretty low and most folks have lived here their whole lives and know one another. And apparently they can wander into my own neighborhood as well.

It’s a disorienting feeling to not know exactly where you are or how to get back home. And it’s certainly a disturbing situation when a man menaces and then strips naked after doing so when you aren’t sure of your footing but know you’re not in a safe position. Yeah, that’s pretty fucking uncomfortable, to say the least. And I understand that my drinking hinders my ability to make measured decisions in cases where it counts, hence why I’ve needed to back up off that lifestyle and alter my direction forward. Known this a long time but still struggle with it periodically. And that’s on me, 100%. Nobody else can change this for me obviously. And nobody else can save me from my own stupidity.

I do know this. Am certainly disappointed with myself. But it became so rare to come up against assholes of that magnitude, having been enough years where I didn’t have to worry about them since I’m out of my 20s and rarely targeted anymore. But I left myself wide open there, mistakenly assuming someone wouldn’t give me grief for no good reason. Especially by someone who sounded like he had a lot going for him. But you never really know who’s who out here in society or what they’re motivated by or what they may be capable of. It was a bad night for my phone to not be fully charged, but I’m grateful it maintained enough life that I was able to call a friend to come get me. Otherwise I would’ve had to knock on doors and ask others for help since there were no businesses or gas stations nearby. And I let myself be transported there, thinking it was no big deal and that no major drama would likely occur. And that’s my own damn fault there.

Could’ve been worse…  Glad to be back home and in my regular stomping ground once again. Grateful for my loved ones and their patience and care. Very sorry for upsetting them and causing them to feel disappointed with me for not looking out for myself better. They have enough in their own lives to worry about. He’s right about me not using my head. It’s so easy to just go with the flow and to assume that most folks are reasonably sane and worth getting to know. And I can understand his words about how if he had a daughter who behaves as I do how he’d be forced to handle her. If I had a daughter who behaves as I sometimes do, I’d lose my mind on her too.

Feeling pretty sick in the spirit today. Not fully certain as to why I take so many chances. Guess I just always have to where it doesn’t seem like such a big deal usually. But I forget how it worries my loved ones and how that’s not fair to them. Feel like I can handle myself and always have, yet it only takes coming up against one serious sadist before I find out how little power I truly do possess. As my former partner reminded me, back when I was pro I kept sober and remained on high alert so as to stay safe, but now I tend to do the opposite. Back then I researched who I was dealing with and had contingency plans for handling situations that got out of hand. And I largely did keep safe. Much as that former lifestyle worried my loved ones back then too. But now it’s as if I have thrown caution to the wind and act as if I’ll always land on my feet. But as he reminded me, it’s possible I’ve already used up my 9 lives by now, and that’s a sickening thought.

Haven’t dealt with an asshole of that magnitude behind closed doors in probably 8 years. The one back then was worse — much worse. And maybe I got to thinking I’d likely not encounter another one like that since that had already occurred and I am older now. Men who go out seeking to prey on females typically seek out younger women, from what life has taught me. But there’s my naivety again. Maybe he would’ve treated younger females worse because he figured he could get away with it. And from the sounds of what that man said about kicking women out in the middle of the night in the cold, he likely did treat them worse. And so I am still proving lucky. Still did land on my feet despite being upset. But things could’ve gone very differently. Wouldn’t have taken much. I’m a short female who can’t pretend to have enough physical strength to defend myself against a grown, muscular man. I know this. And I cannot arm myself when I have been drinking since it’s illegal to do so outside of my own home.

It was really sad listening to my former go off last night. Broke both of our hearts. I know he got so angry because he does care — just kinda shocked me how mad it really made him. I am seriously very sorry about upsetting him like that and promise to do better in going forward. Wouldn’t want him to ever have to wonder about my whereabouts for days on end, just as I would be a basketcase if ever something happened to him or any of my other loved ones. We do have the power to cause serious grief and suffering for one another because we do care. I understand this more clearly right now than I have in a long time. It was just a false sense of security, of thinking I could keep it all together and manage, that was driving me Sunday night. He hasn’t gone through all this bullshit with me in vain, just for me to take the wrong step and wind up a statistic listed in the newspaper. It would kill me to hurt him like that. Positively would. Not a life lived well if that’s how it ends, due to my own stupidity.

So…okay. Here I go again with today being the first day of the rest of my life. I must keep in mind that I don’t live only for myself but also for my loved ones and that they can be crushed by the results of my choices too. My willingness to fight back against crazy strangers means nothing if I ultimately wind up losing in the end. And my best guyfriend would be severely hurt if he had to come visit me in the hospital due to something completely unnecessary. Just as I was scared the time I had to visit him in the hospital when he got sick. I’ve just been so used to living my life for my own self, flying by the seat of my pants, only looking out for my own interests, but that’s short-sighted. It’s not just me anymore. We’ve formed a little tribe of our own and my actions and choices can and do impact it. Don’t want these people to back away out of frustration with my stubbornness, so it’s on me to do what needs to be done to change my ways for the better. Because they’re all I’ve really got in this world and I’d be lost without them. Don’t wish to disappoint them. So I’m very sorry for doing so. It won’t happen again. I recognize now that a few more years really changes nothing, that we’re still living in a sea of strangers whom we can’t predict even in this city, and that an individual’s luck can’t hold forever.

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