More journaling in early October

It’s a new dawn and a new day…

Yesterday went better. Got pretty self-conscious the night before, hence that last journaling entry. Social awkwardness happens. But last night went much more smoothly. Opted to hang out again with a relatively new bar-pal with whom I share more in common. Nice guy. Much more chill and relaxed than that other dude from the night before. Was an easy, laid-back evening with no pressure to prove anything or stupid communication fumbles. We’ll possibly hang out again next week on one of his days off from work. He’s not seeking some big committed relationship situation either, nor does he even seem all that interested in pursuing sex, which is good for me since I’m aiming to lessen drama in my life right about now. Conversation over drinks and music sounds like a fine way to spend an evening these days. Keeping shit as simple as possible.

Still not up to much beyond working, socializing, watching documentaries and listening to audiobooks. Recently re-watched the film “We Are Legion” about the evolution of hacktivism and the Anonymous movement. Interesting subject. Also watched a documentary titled “Holy Hell” (on Netflix) about a really weird cult (named Buddhafield) originally based out of Los Angeles and formed by an aspiring gay porn actor. Strange what some folks are willing to fall for and follow along with. What else? Oh! Yesterday I watched a cool documentary titled “(Dis)Honesty – The Truth About Lies” based on Dan Ariely’s research into the subject. Read a couple of his books in the past and am familiar with his findings, but I especially liked how in this film it showcased a number of notable persons who fell from grace very publicly due to being called out on their lies and deceptions. Brings the topic down to a very real and relatable level worth deeply pondering on.

Besides that, my best girlfriend sent me the audiobook Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, which I plan on getting to in coming weeks. Previously read his book Outliers and enjoyed that one.

Not been in the gym as much recently. Feeling a bit resistant about this switch-over to this new gym since the little gym I’ve belonged to over the last couple of years had to shut down. Busier at this other place so it’s a little bit more intimidating working out in there, especially in the weights section. Will have to get over that concern.

Physically not feeling too well lately. Won’t go into details here, just thinking I might go see a doctor in a week or so if my issues don’t subside. Thinking my hormones might be more imbalanced than usual and would like to figure out why. Researched as far as I’m able and all signs point to that likely being the problem, yet there are several possible causes for why this is occurring. Oh, the joys of being a female!  uh_oh And that’s enough TMI on that topic.

What else? Still sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Yet the show goes on, and on and on and on… Needing to stay home more and to save my money. Needing to cut down on my chemical vices. Been reducing unnecessary stress, so that’s been one positive step in the right direction. Needing to focus more on hobbies and action-oriented self-development rather than continuing to allow escapism to capture so much of my time and resources. A perennial consideration, yes. Mentioned all that on here many times before. On one hand I’m trying to be less hard on myself and more accepting of taking it easy, but on the other hand I’m frustrated by my lack of direction currently and my neglect of interests that I used to care about. Goes back to concern over lacking sufficient ambition or at least not putting it into action. The choice is mine, and so far I’ve done a great job of avoiding kicking myself into a higher gear. Bah. Partly due to emerging apathy. That may not be good, but that’s the truth. They say we create our own meaning in this life, but I remain perplexed over where to go from here. So I routinely return to a bar to drink with the other drifters and escape artists and watch time slide on by…

There are worse ways to live though. At least we entertain ourselves in those moments. Share a bit of camaraderie and commiserate over whatever life happens to be teaching us.

Keep telling myself that tomorrow I’ll do things differently, change my routine, shake it all up a bit, but tomorrow never comes. That’s my fault, I know. But without kids or other major obligations it’s very easy to let it all ride. That is until the morning hours remind us why this isn’t such a great way to live day in and day out. A perpetual hangover isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Nor is reckoning with wasted potential.

But c’est la vie. Change it or quit complaining. No better advice than that exists.


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