Late-night journaling in early October 2016

Talked to a man tonight I’ve met several times in the past. Didn’t wind up going well this evening. Not sure what to say on the matter exactly…

He spoke of “positivity” and seemed adverse to anything he deemed negative. But life is a mix, I said. It’s not all clearly one way or the other. We learn from the problems and pain too. But he had trouble with that, seemed unwilling to fully accept that, particularly from someone who wasn’t also promoting the “positive” track as he sees it. Much more ambitious than me in terms of playing up to rich folks out in the gated community where he works and the acting jobs that he pursues. But I already knew long before that he’s more domesticated than me, more geared toward upward mobility in the material sense. That’s not who I am. And what I relate with is not who he wishes to be either.

And that’s fine. Wasn’t a guy I’ve seriously considered dating in a major way. But I was aiming to become friends, which he said he wanted too. But he can’t handle me, right off the bat. One bad day unrelated to him proved a sufficient turn off. I didn’t get loud or do or say anything crazy (according to my standard, but that obviously differed from his). Just not in the best of moods this evening. Had a little bit of drama over dinner with my former earlier. Kinda hurt my feelings. May be hormonal as well — looks very likely that way due to timing and all. Not feeling particularly well past midday today. Still getting over last weekend’s cold. Basically nothing to pin-point specifically, just a shift in emotions that continued shifting as the day and then night wore on.

This guy wasn’t my type, which I’ve known, but it still kinda bothers me how he seemed to recoil from what I said tonight. Am I the happiest person alive? No, and never claimed to be. And, unlike him, I don’t repeatedly profess to be a “good person.”  No interest in doing so since it’s not fully accurate. I’m mixed, just like most folks are, whether they care to acknowledge it or not. Not all to the same degrees, but mixed nevertheless. And that’s where I work from, in acknowledging that fact of life. Turns some folks off.

Several say I remain too attached to my former. Still spend a good bit of time with him. Still go over for dinners regularly and spend the night. And he’s still not seeing anybody else. Wants to but hasn’t found her yet. And I’ve tired of trying to date outside of him while he remains single since he likes to kick that back in my face. It’s a trap. If I step out when he isn’t yet doing so it comes across as if I’ve committed some sort of crime. Encourages me to do so, but doing so comes with consequences. I get it. But still. It’s an old game. Certainly not new between us. I am the faster mover among us. Different types of people. Very different pasts and life experiences.

I don’t know what to say tonight. The guy I spoke with this evening stated he viewed me as not as far moved along as he expected by now. Not going to debate that. But I told him what I tell everybody: not seeking anything serious right now, mostly just interested in making friends. Even if I am in a weird and precarious situation that others routinely find uncomfortable if they stand too close to it, so be it. I am out and about these days. Mingling. Conversing. Not interested in pretending about much of anything. Not even barely interested in concealing aspects of the past, though perhaps I should be more censored and guarded right about now. Not aiming to attract more hostility or problems from outsiders.

Frustrated. Because I know I am not ready and willing to fully engage with the dating scene at present, yet some folks make it seem like I am not worth knowing if that is the case. And the mingling atmosphere in many bars has gotten pretty disrespectful, both between the sexes and across women. Been that way forever probably but certainly doesn’t seem to be improving. I don’t know. This shit makes my head spin is all I know.

Feel like a retard surrounded by a vast sea of various forms of retardation. Apparently it is what it is.

Tonight kinda felt like trying to interact with a liberal, which I did mention to this guy. Elaborating, he considers himself a Christian and his faith very important. That’s cool. But then he went on about humanity and his feeling of being put here for a reason, to somehow stem the tide’s direction. And that’s where I can’t help but chuckle to myself a bit. We chatted briefly about how that which we call God remains and likely always will remain beyond human comprehension. And yet we like to assume we as individuals have somehow tapped into the ultimate answers. I can’t claim to know. The main great evil, so far as I can tell, is the sexual abuse of a very young and prepubescent child. That’s how I tend to gauge that which we call evil, treating it as a spectrum with the most heinous cases of that on the farthest end. Pretty simple person in that regard.

He went on to speak about the planet and how we’re destroying it. I sighed and conjured up the words of George Carlin and how the the planet will out-live us after shaking us off like a bad case of fleas. Paraphrasing obviously. He partially agreed but seems geared toward believing humanity should and can somehow be “fixed.” Always have to ask by what standard there, and people tend to blink in disbelief as if we all should logically be on the same page. But that’s not reality. And change things how? Enforce it how? With what unforeseen consequences on down the pike? We don’t know. Do we spend serious time devoted to trying to figure that shit out? How many of us and to what extents? We don’t know. Limited in figuring that out about one another, especially when we’re relative strangers.

Meeting new people is tricky for me since I require a good bit of truthful and clearly stated information from whomever I’m engaging with. How I operate. Not by choice, just learning to live with being geared this way the best I can. Doesn’t work out well with plenty of folks, males and females alike. Seems I say the wrong things, or they play coy and refuse to spell things out when needed. No one promised us human relations would be easy. I know. Still. Frickin’ frustrating plenty of the time. Not fun feeling so misunderstood because there’s not enough time available and intermission from distractions to elaborate in enough detail that the pieces start making more cohesive sense. Like people want you to sum everything up nowadays in a soundbite, and I don’t know how to do that. Don’t know how to control my emotions all the time either. Working on plenty of shit, but won’t claim to have it all figured out yet. Likely won’t ever entirely. Likely most or all of you won’t either. Welcome to it. Such is Life.

Just a bit irritated tonight. Wasn’t in a good mood for socializing. Should’ve backed away earlier on and just stayed to myself mostly. Better nights for interacting. But if that’s all it takes to freak that dude out, he’s not going to be a compatible friend or even bar-pal. And that’s fine. Goes that way sometimes. Just wish I’d have acted differently on my previously established understanding of how incompatible he and I are and not attempted conversing with him in any depth on a night when my mind is already taxed enough.

And on that note, my brother called earlier tonight. First time we’ve talked in probably a year. Last saw him in April of last year. Maybe 2008 before then. He’s turning 30 later this month. Couldn’t be more opposite of one another on nearly all levels. But he’s doing very well professionally and seems content. Working up in his company toward becoming a software engineer and hoping to retire in that position. I’m proud of him. He’s taught himself a lot and followed his interests and is honing his skills and actively aiming toward developing further expertise. He’s doing what he wants to do in his life, difficult as his interests are for me to deeply grasp and relate with as a non-techie type. And the same goes vice versa. It will be interesting to observe what the future holds for him.

My little brother is pretty mild and meek in his relations to others, whereas I can be pretty aggressive at times. Different personalities and different dynamics we encounter as a result. Wholly different. Interesting how that all shakes out between us.

Was good to talk to him. Surprised when he called. Rarely does he return my or anybody else’s calls. Busy working much of the time. Said he went to his 10-year high school reunion last year and nearly all of his classmates were married with kids. Always amusing to hear people’s takes on their high school reunions.

I guess the night isn’t so bad. Made it home safely. Talked to my brother for the first time in a long while and for several hours. Business was all wrapped up throughout the day. Took on a new client for Thanksgiving week. Shared a nice dinner despite my former getting grumpy initially. And am not even terribly upset about the dude I chatted with at the bar. Just felt the need to talk and relate to somebody, but he was seeking something else. That happens. Just felt strongly tonight the need to relate on some level. Probably should’ve moved on and opted to chat with someone else. I do get moody sometimes. Not claiming to be compatible with most encountered. A little embarrassed for how the conversation turned  — got confusing. I don’t understand most people and probably come across a bit odd to plenty of them as well. C’est la vie. What can I honestly do about this? There comes a point where acceptance is necessary. All one can do is navigate to the best of his or her ability. Not all are created equal in that regard.

Just sometimes wish the act of relating weren’t so cumbersome. And sometimes wish I were better adapted for it.

Am tired of this subject now.

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