Pondering in late September on relationships and how they can go

For all those who like to claim that women mess with men’s heads unfairly, I just gotta say that it runs both directions. Gotta laugh it off since I’ve chosen to remain in this situation for years by my own accord, but still. This man know how to play with my head like a pro, and does so. Whether he fully realizes the consequences of that shit or not, he still makes a mark on me, over and over again, day after day, month after month, year after year. But I am no longer blaming anybody but myself anymore. It is obviously my choice to play ball. And I decide to continue to do so, regardless. And so fuck me.  LOL  What else can honestly be said there other than “good luck in the future”?  I get it. And I accept it. Not looking for anything else, so I am growing in contentment in handling our fiasco.

And such is life. Good luck in bending it to your will and preconceived expectations. ha

Life keeps on in teaching me a thing or two. And one thing I have sufficiently comprehended by now is how shit doesn’t run according to our expectations and isn’t on time. Sometimes we suffer for a reason. Sometimes we deserve to do so. Sometimes we hurt somebody we love enough to where that is the due penalty, like it or lump it. Walk if it means less to you. Learn to adapt if it means enough. Welcome to it. Such is the way life goes on this level of romance and commitment.

According to some I am the irredeemable “bad girl.” If you say so. I don’t believe that’s the case. My former apparently doesn’t believe that’s the case either or we wouldn’t continue on as we do after this many years. Even the desire to share meals is very strong for both of us. Even if our relations somehow remain platonic. This is what it is. I do not welcome unsolicited advice on the topic any longer. Heard it all and taken it into serious consideration over time. But I am forced back to accepting that the heart wants what it wants. That’s a fact that transcends rationality, however we care to feel about it.

And I am okay with that. Grown to be. If he does decide to date another woman, as he regularly threatens to do, I will have to accept that. Been preparing myself for many months to do so. He hates it when I date others too, despite his encouragement for me to do so each frickin’ time. But I have figured out the trap this is and am resolved in remaining either celibate or faithful to him until he finds a woman he is truly interested in and willing to date. Until that time I will continue to act as I do though. His strength will need to show through when necessary, and I will respect that, as I have told him a number of times now.

Am I an angel? NO.  LOL   And I pity the fool who assumes that about me. My former knows better by now. He is not in the dark, to say the least. He is a grown man who is capable of making and enforcing his own decisions. The decisions he chooses not to enforce are challenged, and he demonstrates his own duplicitous interests. Which is fine. We all are prone to do that. Nice that at least it’s more out in the open and discussed these days. Instead of simply blaming me for whatever transpires. I have since learned to have him work for what he wants so that it’s more apparent what our roles in our continued conundrum are. And that seems to actually be making things better. Maybe some folks need to be called onto the carpet and have their wants and expectations challenged a bit too.  <shrugs>  Living and learning…

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