I needed to believe in something

A song I posted on here recently that just sticks in mind nearly constantly since stumbling coming across it a few weeks back on a forum post:

That was The Chemical Brothers with “Believe.”

Gonna let that play in the background while I type tonight.

I desperately need to believe in something. Not religion. Not an ideology. Something bigger and better than any of that. Lord, my soul is hungry. There must be more to life than I am capable of comprehending at this juncture. And I can feel it…I know it’s out there. Feel glimpses of it regularly. Feel inspired by it. Yet still have myself shackled against my own will or, more accurately, due to a conflicted will.

Year after year…yes, I know. Still plugging away at it, just that perhaps the answers seem too easy for me to accept and embrace just yet. Keep thinking I’ll get on that tomorrow. Tomorrow. Always the next day. Later on.

How sick at heart does a person need to get? That’s another question I ponder regularly enough. Stupid question since it’s an obvious call to action going unheeded. See it, hear it, feel it in my core…and yet don’t follow it. Keep preparing to do so, and keep falling back. Nobody’s fault but mine, I understand that. Just sayin’ is all.

Already tried to believe in some things that proved to be toxic. Once bitten, twice shy. Hungry for something bigger than that and am realizing that I have to create it for my own self. Looked everywhere and gleaned plenty of useful information and ideas, yet what I am seeking specifically appears to not exist or at least has eluded me thus far. Been searching for many years.

This winds up being one of those things that prompts a person to comprehend that every life problem a human can experience doesn’t necessarily eventually deliver one to an intellectual or even seemingly rational answer. Because that’s not all there is to life, or those tools don’t tap into this aspect of life I’m struggling with and against and am striving to point to here. It’s little, if anything, to do with numbers or politics or anything that might be considered tangible. Have I flown the coop? Perhaps. And perhaps a person needs to in order to get to the next level, in order to view things and operate in a different way. Humans are strange creatures — that’s never been a secret. But what we’re aiming to become nowadays very often proves to be a limiting and limited version of ourselves.

Yet it remains so incredibly easy to fall back into established habits, vices. To lean where you ought not, or at least not so much. To seek comfort instead of doing the work you already damn-well know you ought to be attempting. To let thoughts of that comfort distract you more often than not. To fight the internal resistance…call it a demon or a gremlin, call it whatever you like…that self-destructive tendency that apparently is oh-so-common. Nobody else can fix it for you. Nobody else can save you from yourself. Or save you from mediocrity and boredom and deflatedness.

My internal critic is a jabberbox. Many in my family are critics too. Some of the people I associate with are as well and many more were in the past. But that cannot be helped really. Gotta just muster up enough determination to drive on through all that. What am I trying to do here? What will I someday regret having not attempted? I already know the answer there or at least enough to know which steps to take next. And yet, still I’ve been holding myself back as if I’m waiting on something. Waiting. Reconsidering. Re-approaching such matters. Re-examining. Pursuing more information and ideas, as goes on and on. Can get lost in them sometimes too though. Can prove to be a distraction in their own right if one can’t pull up and find ways of taking direct action. To simply fucking DO IT. To stop talking about it and GO. To finally feel sick enough that the walls inside cave in and no other choice is left. But why wait for rock bottom? Has it not already nearly arrived? Is the call not loud enough yet already?

Motivation remains the sticking point. Nevermind what so many others happen to be motivated by. Go out and volunteer is the common kick-start offered up to people stuck in ruts. Since contributing to others is supposed to be the remedy to internal ailings. Yes and no. Can be. But sometimes a person needs to find better ways to nourish themselves before they can be of much use to others. Beyond that, what cause is the most pressingly worth pursuing? America’s Left/Right paradigm has had my head spinning for many years already. Done dealing much directly with politics. That ship has sailed. And yet it’s everywhere, dominating so many conversations, infiltrating where it’s not wanted or even of any value. But that’s the world we live in. I’ve grown to hate that shit, and yet it’s seemingly inescapable. That’s not where I’m fixin’ to start again, though will probably occasionally still circle back around it since there’s really no way to ignore that aspect of modern reality. Because everything has been deemed political, even that which shouldn’t be. The personal is political, they like to say. And boy, they’ve worked hard to make that come to be.

Fuck ’em and their laws, I keep telling myself. Observe the ones you must, but damn…  It closes in on people faster than we like to realize. Guess I’m rendered extremely nervous by that shit. Too many pitfalls and booby traps.

But I continue telling myself “fuck ’em.” Have to. Need to learn to say “fuck it” far more often in areas that keep troubling my spirit. Because there ain’t nothing I can do about some of that. Will just be whatever it’s going to be regardless of my thoughts on the matter. All I have control over is this flesh I was born with. It’s all I really got. All that any of us truly possesses, assuming we even truly possess that. That’s the most power we’re afforded in this life. It’s our vehicle, plain and simple. This we get to navigate. Can’t navigate everybody else, though people surely do love to try. Will never work, at least not as some hope. Backfires. Destined to do so.

Was listening to an interview of Jordan Belfort earlier where he talked about how the first thing a person needs is a vision. And it is that particularly which I’m still struggling with at present. Goals mean how much outside of a greater vision? But perhaps a vision can develop over time. Perhaps the initial steps themselves are most relevant right now. That last bit I am pretty damn certain is true. Hopefully the vision will come in its own time if I first work more diligently in a better direction.

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