A fact that deserves to be stated: I have a naggin’ ass bitch in my head. She’s always there, relentlessly fucking nagging. I imagine her to be like what having a wife might be like. lol True story. Been up there chattering nonstop for years. Years. Mentioned it to people over time. No joke, despite how funny it might sound. ha
A never-ending nagging complainer inside my head who scrutinizes damn-near everything I do and likes to chastise for nearly everything under the sun, or at least can find a contrarian viewpoint regardless. It’s a hell of a dilemma — figuring out how to shut her up or tone her down. lol Being serious here. And this is probably one reason so many people out in public pick up on some sort of vibe that leads them to think I’m a lesbian. haha
Anyway… I’m preparing to take an extended vacation. Haven’t gone out of town except for a weekend last year to cities 2-3 hours away. Haven’t seen my Grandma since October 2013 — haven’t set foot in the state of Mississippi since then. Been too long. Longer than ever before. Miss her. Miss me. Need to figure out a way to go find myself once again. Must do so. In a horrible circular situation here currently. Plus I need a break from my job. Working 7 days a week nearly every week does get old after a while, even if it’s only one appointment on a given day. Still can’t leave town as a result. Just gonna have to bite the bullet, lose some money, and take a break. My mind is troubled and needs to go somewhere where I can relax and love and be loved. Needs to happen. Love my Grandma very much. Plus she’s in her 70s so I really ought to spend more time with her, despite her remaining in very good health. It’s the right thing to do all the way around.
I’m thinking 2 months away will be helpful. Planning for sometime in April, after giving enough notice to my clients. And after filing taxes. Will figure out a way to pay the IRS when I get back. Fuck ’em for a minute. More important things in life than taxes, or death either for that matter. I need to fuckin’ go and relax.
Must do so. Not in a good way anymore. Needing help and radical change and departure for a minute. My counselor lady agrees, as does my best guyfriend. Can pay up my rent and cut and run for a few. Just simply needs to happen, and I’m blessed to have the ability to do so. Otherwise I fear I’ll remain stuck in a horrible rut. And this serves as yet another reason why it’s wonderful to remain child-free — fewer responsibilities leads to greater spontaneity. Or at least it can.
Barely eaten for days. Fairly tired. Mostly fatigued from all the fighting. Didn’t even feel up to going to my gym workouts this past week except once. Not good. Feeling depressed more often than not and that’s been the case for well over 2 years solid now. He likes to remind me of my failings, which I accept and understand, but man…there has to be a stopping point somewhere. He knows this too. We torture one another by this point. Yet we’re stupid magnets who won’t completely let the other go. Gotta break that spell. Must happen, and this time more fully. Got gameplans in mind, heading to Mississippi being but one in a succession. Likely will return from there and resume life up here on down the road. But I will remain open to various possibilities.