As my little world turns…

Been quiet on here partly because my cold turkey idea didn’t work out. But I am trying to practice moderation most days. Being more careful and cognizant of how drinking can impact me.

You don’t want to know the story of how my cold turkey streak wound up wrecked. Yes, it involved my former companion. As to be expected. We can be bad influences on one another at times, obviously. And that situation is still very uncertain and up in the air. We’ve been trying to go forward as friends, yet also keep reverting back to old arguments, plus that woman is still in the picture which just drives me nuts. And apparently we’re incapable of spending time together without winding up spending the night together, and I won’t go into any further detail there. I’ve actually spent 7 nights at his place within the last 2 weeks. Yet we are not interested in getting back together. Just trying to figure out how to navigate from here on out. It’s a tangled mess. But we care about one another, so we try to sort it out.

He’s planning to fix us dinner tonight, so that will be nice. First time he’s cooked for me since our big implosion back in April. Texted me last night to say he’s sorry about yesterday’s argument, but he just can’t seem to not bring that other female up to me in conversation. Lord, we can’t go one day without her name being mentioned, and I’m so tired of that. Told him for weeks to get rid of her, but he thinks she’s his friend. Then he goes on and tells me shit I really don’t need to be hearing, that I’m not going to repeat on here. Stuff that makes me wonder how he can truly care about me when he feels the need to share all of that. Things better left private between them or that shouldn’t have occurred at all. Makes me sick in the spirit, and I tell him, but for some reason he keeps putting his foot in his mouth. Says he doesn’t want me to be jealous, but I seriously doubt that’s the case or he’d shut up about her.

Told him yesterday that I have to respect myself and can’t be in this situation if their “friendship” of sorts is to continue. Can’t keep hearing about it. Poisons my heart, pisses me off. I understand he needs a friend to talk to, but I’m not the one, considering they were sneaking around behind my back and I caught them. So why keep bringing it to me? He knows to physically keep her away from me indefinitely, but he has some massive crush on her and she keeps inflating his ego. So anyway, told him I can’t do this any longer. Gonna have to choose to keep me as a friend and to date some other woman besides that one or let me go and have at it. But he thinks he can have it both ways. Obviously he’s a fool. Told him this shit is fixin’ to blow up in his face and then he will lose both of us in all capacities. That was the argument yesterday. He yelled some, got upset, but I managed to keep my cool for the most part. I want him in my life, but only if he’s going to treat me with value and respect — respect which he has not shown in well over a year.

It’s a tangled mess. He’ll say one thing, then the next day something else, then something else a week on. Because he wants it all, but he can’t have it all. Told him again that I’m tired of living in the shadows of his life, as I’ve done for nearly 2 years now. Being the woman he returns home to at the end of the night after being out and about and socializing and giving people the impression that he’s fully single and without strings attached. That’s a losing game he’s playing. Yet he justifies it by saying he’s not a cheater. Just wants to have a lot of irons in the fire all at once apparently. Well, I’m not the one to go for that. Went for it, against all decent judgment (that being mine and all my friends’), and look where I’ve wound up. In a boatload of pain, watching my former lover transform into a wannabe playboy. It’s ridiculous.

If I didn’t view him like family I wouldn’t have tolerated all of this. My friends say I never would’ve put up with this sort of stunt years back, and they’re right. Something changed in me after Papa died. I got scared. Got terrified of losing people and have been trying to hold on to everyone I care about so hard. And I think this man, whether he consciously realizes it or not, has been taking advantage of that. And he won’t change unless I force the issue to change, and that requires me proving my willingness to keep walking. We went our separate ways for about 3 months there, rarely speaking, but once we called for peace we wound right back up in each other’s webs. It’s a pity that it always seems to go this way.

But I have the power to stop it. Just a question of how bad I want to. Been going ’round and ’round like this for so long that it feels nearly normal by now. But not with that other woman involved — that’s the game-changer. He’ll tell me they’re barely interacting, that they’re not hanging out, then he’ll slip up and admit she spent the night a couple weeks back, before I began staying over, and that they’re still texting sweet nothings to one another. And I just hate it. Dampens my spirit that he thinks this is okay, this is a way to treat someone he professes undying love for and claims to forever want to keep as a friend. Well, his words and his actions do not coincide. Quite obviously.

He won’t choose because he wants it all. But he swears he won’t get physical with her, won’t date her anytime soon. And I don’t believe him. I’m being strung along, and I know it. I don’t deserve it, not by now, not after everything we’ve already been through. But then he turns around and tells me I matter most to him, that he’ll respect my wishes and abide by the boundaries I set. And I want to believe him. But I can’t yet.

Why he won’t just go find a decent girl to date is beyond me. Always wants the dramatic ones. Probably gets a kick over having women feuding over him, blowing up his ego, making him feel like some real catch. But I don’t want him back, not this year or next year most definitely. Not until both he and I mature a great deal more, because this game is retardedly pathetic for people in their 30s and 40s to be playing. My friends say they don’t get how he attracts so much female attention, including mine. I don’t know. Perhaps because he decided to embrace his devilish side, and we all know how people tend to adore the “bad.” I didn’t though. I liked him when he was sweeter, kinder, gentler. This new version of him is a bit unsettling, and yet he blames it on me, says I “broke” him. Well, we did a number on one another. But I’m trying to get up and become a better person and wish he’d follow in suit. But he expresses that he hasn’t ever really gone out and played the scene before and wants to do that now, wants to keep on partying and basking in all this new attention he’s receiving. We’re headed in separate directions in that respect.

I know people say you have to cut people out of your life when they become too much of a negative influence. I understand. But he and I are both mixed in that regard. We have our good sides and our bad sides. But I still feel quite loyal to the man, despite everything. I don’t care that much that he wants to become a playboy, only that I wish he’d choose his women more wisely. Eventually I’ll manage to become emotionally distanced enough from him that I can hear all that without wincing, other than about that one particular woman. She I will never tolerate, period. She knew me yet violated my space anyway. Call me territorial, but I don’t suffer back-stabbing bitches gladly. Not something I can forgive in women whom I know personally.

Last week he called me a masochist — or rather, he alluded to it since he doesn’t know the meaning of the word “masochist.” Maybe I am by this point, at least in regards to him. Can’t tell you why. But I can be pretty damned sadistic too at times. He’s more passive-aggressive. And I’ve observed him being more clever than people tend to give him credit for. I have a lot of mixed emotions about that man. Yet, I still see him as my kinfolk and feel protective, for whatever reason. Gotta back up on that though and turn more attention back toward myself now. He knows it and I know it must happen. Is happening. Yet I remain here too. So much for moving on. There is no real closure here.

I don’t know what the future will hold, other than we’ll both eventually start dating other people. We love each other and yet drive each other batty. People like to think it’s women who play these sorts of games, but men do too obviously. It’s a human thing. There’s no such thing as a human being who doesn’t have drama. Drama is life. And I’m apparently addicted to what I’ve grown accustomed to. But I do have my limits, and he knows he’s transgressed them. Just a question of what I do about it in going forward.

When close to him I don’t feel like a very good person. But I’m getting stronger, little by little. Made friends with a local lady and have been spending time with her in recent months. Made some new bar pals too. I’m branching out, just very slow about doing so. Staying with my fitness routine and am down to around 158-160 lbs. now, so that’s good. Supposed to go biking this afternoon with my gym trainer. So at least I’ve gotten this far. Not as stuck under his thumb as I was several months back. And he sees that. Says he’s happy about it. Then he tries to corrupt me. I see that too. We sometimes even laugh about it. It’s such a weird dynamic we’ve formed over time.

Someday I’ll be able to tell him no as well. He likes to think not. The other day he told me of a fantasy where he comes back to corrupt me 5 years on down the road. He really loved that fantasy. Hopefully by then this game won’t be as enchanting and I’ll be able to thwart his efforts. Yet I’m smiling as I type this.

Sick puppies we apparently are. But the world produces all kinds. Depends on what day you ask me as to how I feel about all of this. Today I feel a bit melancholy, very tired (lack of sleep), and somewhat amused by all this ridiculousness. Tomorrow I hope for a better day. We’ll see how dinner goes tonight.

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4 Responses to As my little world turns…

  1. Wyrd Smythe says:

    There’s a very good reason why every “Something Anonymous” organization has as an important plank of its platform that you must break ties with those who are part of your old lifestyle.

    • Byenia says:

      But you know I originally cheated on him. Wyrd. Not the same as being addicted to a substance. We all live and learn according to our life experiences.

  2. Dunkel Zahn says:

    Sounds and feels like you’re doing a long-term procession of loss there. Maybe you’re still processing your dad, too. Losing a loved one permanently.. it really shakes the foundations. It’s good if you’re able to have some distance to all the shit going on.

    Was reminded of this one song reading your thoughts:

    “It was a Saturday
    I came home early drunk with love
    And other things
    I must confess I love it all

    Pretend that I can hardly wait
    To wipe that smile off of your face
    It’s only when
    On that you can depend

    Later that afternoon
    My paranoia got the best of me
    I knew it would, it always do
    I made the call

    Pretend that I can hardly wait
    To put that smile back on my face
    It’s coming soon
    I’m going to the moon

    You pretend, I imitate
    My friend, come crucify my heart
    I wanna get it on
    I wanna get it on

    And in the evening when I sleep
    My situation changes nightly
    Sometimes it comes, sometimes it goes
    Sometimes I feel I’ll never know

    Tonight’s the night I take it home
    White knuckle happy and alone
    With no one in the room but me
    I see I finally see”

    -- Matt

    • Byenia says:

      Interesting lyrics. Thanks for sharing.

      Btw, my Papa is my grandfather. But he was the closest male role model I’d ever known.

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