Update for late July

Well, four days and counting without drinking alcohol. Actually stepped into the bar today and ordered a soda. Part of me craves beer obviously but a larger part of me loathes who I become after so many. Bummer that is. Wish I could keep it moderate and social, but my track record has proven otherwise.

So anyway, I’ve been hanging out with a new galpal I met about 3 months ago. She recently underwent a surgery so I’ve been helping her out some and hanging around in the evenings to play card and board games with her and a couple of her buddies. That’s been nice. Actually invited me over to her son’s house today and got surprised to learn some saleslady was there pitching cleaning products while toddlers were screaming all the while. I only came for the tacos. Had to duck out early and take her home since that scene was nuts. Never do I ever wish to be trapped in a room with toddlers yelping and hollering. Just not my bag, especially not this week.

Mowed the lawn again for my best guyfriend on Tuesday and had dinner with him and his mother. They’re always welcoming toward me, which I deeply appreciate.

Been busy with work this week, mornings, days, and nights. Not that I’m complaining. I welcome the business to distract me from all else. Been doing my best to stay in the moment so much as I’m able and to enjoy my routine once again.

The last few nights I’ve been taking Lunesta to help me sleep, which has worked out well this go-round. Have to knock myself out since I’m such a night owl yet need to turn that around for the most part. Never succeeded at changing my sleeping habits in any permanent fashion before, so I’m not holding my breath this time either. But for now it’s been necessary to catch me up on the sleep I’ve been so deprived of in recent weeks.

For the first time since I began my boot camp training class at the gym I missed a session, that being on Tuesday as well. Tuesday was a very bad day. Perhaps one of the worst I’ve had in recent times aside from a few months back. And it was the day I decided to stop drinking. Won’t even go into how I felt that day or where my mind was. But anyway, got back to the gym the next day and intend to carry on like usual. Need to and want to. Meeting with my trainer tomorrow to do some weight-lifting.

Arranged to meet with a client lady I’ve known for a few years for coffee tomorrow afternoon. She’s been wanting to hang out since last year but I kept putting her off. Never felt well. Finally do. So we set it up and I’m looking forward to hearing what’s been going on with her. Sounds like she had some serious health problems not too long ago.

Been interesting spending more time with women in recent months. That’s not my norm, just where I happened to gravitate. And I’ll take it since the ones I’ve been meeting and visiting with have been supportive and helpful.

What else? Have some new business opportunities lined up for next week. All should go well there like it usually does. Could use more money and have plenty of time on my hands to fill these days.

Thinking about going for a walk here in a minute with my headphones on. Looks like it may rain. So be it. I don’t mind. Just wanting to stay in motion as much as possible. Got a lot of energy to work through these days.

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3 Responses to Update for late July

  1. Matt says:

    Thought I just wanted to say hello, share a few words. Been watching/listening your things in youtube for the past day or so, and read a bit of this blog too. Without going into any tiny details, I can relate to a lot of the things you’ve said here and there. Picking myself up with small steps, too.

    It’s encouraging to know that you exist and have existed, as yourself.

    It’ll get tough without alcohol, something to comfort when the pain and loneliness and Life with it’s whole shitty hard-to-figure-out-the-meaning-of-circus comes around. But facing that toughness head-on, in a way naked, is the way to go. It takes a certain strength to be weak and tender with it, maybe.

    And yeah, it’s good if you don’t have to be completely alone while at it, even if it probably demands a willingness to get into terms with your solitude to make it through.

    Rilke was right, I think, when he said: “Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.”

    The tough part is figuring out what is beauty and what is courage and love. And from there the act itself. I know i’d been putting a very precious and beautiful part of myself down for my entire life, just because I’d grown to fear that part…

    But yeah, try to take care of yourself with simple things. I felt like a baby for the first few months, a baby with no parent or a safeguard: Had to learn to feed myself, to sleep, to run and walk and simply breathe again (and anew). And to cope with emotions that’d been bugging me since I was too young to cope with them.

    • Byenia says:

      Thank you, Matt. Your words were very thoughtful. And I recall that passage from Rilke — it’s truly beautiful and exactly what I needed to hear today. Thanks again.

      • Matt says:

        Oh, and have a listen to Songs:Ohia, if you haven’t yet. Kept me going through dark times, just to know that someone’s been there too. The drink got the singer, Jason Molina, a few years back. It was tragic, but I don’t think it’s the death which matters as another brief moment of existence. I don’t think people are defined by their passing, but rather how they face it all and express it, live through it.

        Life can get awfully lonely, and we need all the words and sounds…

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=malJUMz2A9Y

        All the best,

        Matt

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