In a hell of a mood today. So I’ll vent it out here before getting on with the rest of my evening.
It’s the pacing the cage nonsense again. It’s the ongoing sense of not knowing what to do with myself. And no, I don’t wish to jump into volunteer work just to pass some time. That won’t fix this feeling.
Nothing fixes this feeling. All the exercising, all the distractions, all the imbibing, even all the love once experienced — none of it is capable of taking this away. Because it’s just the way the human mind works: it stays busy, forever ruminating and wondering and questioning and pondering and never shuts off. It’s over-stimulated in what appears to be some sort of permanent fashion. And it just loops around and around and around with many of the same thoughts and ideas, even when new thoughts are introduced, even when new people come around. It just busily goes on and on and on.
People like to tell me to meditate but I’ve never figured out how to do so. Closing my mouth and my eyes and plugging my ears — none of that has a lasting impact on the inner workings. The quest for comfort brought temporary relief each time, but that’s all it ever is. Then the consumption starts back again, like there’s a mystery my mind thinks it can somehow make sense of. But it’s an illusion. These are just a bunch of questions without answers, or at least without satisfying answers. Even when I have the answer, that doesn’t seem to end the quest. It just goes on and on and on, like it thinks it’s actually going to arrive somewhere someday through its efforts.
The mind is a tricky beast. It’s advanced to the point of being capable of so much, yet it’s not easily controllable in terms of how it functions. It’s a consumer that is capable of consuming itself. Probably another one of those paradoxes where we advanced as a species to the point where we have all this technology that has redefined life as we know it and with that comes the double-edged sword of information overload and having too much time on our hands. Most of us don’t do the type of exhaustive labor that zaps our mental energy, so we stay awake at night with our thoughts. Worrying over what needs to be done, worrying over people we know, worrying over changes that make us uncomfortable, worrying about what the future holds.
People like to tell one another not to worry, but how can you not? Nice idea, but seriously, how can we not? That’s what we do. And some of us worry more than others. Just like how some minds are more active than others, and some are probably more useful than others.
It’s a question of coping and figuring out what to do with all of this. All of it. I know of a ton of people who try all sorts of things to numb off whatever pain and problems they’re experiencing, and it’s just trial and error and a lifelong waiting game. They don’t know what to tell me and I don’t know what to tell them either.