Sunday afternoon thoughts in July

There’s no denying that I have a dark side. We all do. Some bigger than others. And mine is exacerbated by some of my lifestyle choices, which I’ve been struggling with (and openly stating so on here in recent months). Yesterday’s talk illuminated some of that for myself to take in and reflect on. I do not like the person I have become. This bitterness is poisonous, and I cry more than anybody should. Because I feel guilty. Forever feeling guilty. Or unworthy. And when I get locked into ruminating on the past that then poisons the present, and on and on it goes.

People can tell you to “get over it” and “let it go” and “move on” all they want to, but it doesn’t change a thing. This is all a process. There are several issues here all balled up and I’ve been having a hard time figuring them out and managing them. But I have been making progress. I see who I am. I hear the words that I’ve spoken and felt the shame they later generated. What is the productive response to this quandary?

I keep bringing up James Altucher on here because his words really have helped me in recent weeks. Makes a person feel better to know they’re not alone in fucking up. And that there’s a process to improving oneself and getting back up and becoming a better person. Paying attention to the 4 core areas on a daily basis: mental, emotional, spiritual and physical — that’s what I have to do.

Been tending to my body through exercise, but I’ve also been damaging my body and mind with too much alcohol. This has been poisoning my life for a long time and must be contended with. Some people are happy drunks, and I can be, but I can also be something else. And it wouldn’t hurt me to eat better, seeing as how yesterday I forgot to eat once again. He (my former companion) hasn’t been eating much either and is drinking more than usual and has lost too much weight. Scares me for him. I want us to be healthier than this. But he has his life to manage and I have mine, and lord knows mine is a big enough job to handle right now. My focus has to come back to myself. He’s going to be fine. He’s a very resilient man. He has a good bit of social support. And he wants me to be okay also. I want that too.

So let’s figure this out according to a daily plan. I’d like to get back into reading more and transcribing interesting tidbits. It would be good to play board or card games with people again, and not just the games online. I should visit the coffee house down the way to find out if others are interested in that sort of thing too. My mind needs better things to actively engage with so I need to keep seeking out alternative means to keep it busy. Strategic play and whatnot. So far I have not gotten up with anyone to do any activities and that now needs to change. Including going to the shooting range. Talked about it long enough. Gotta get on that.

Needing to save more money. “Bar therapy” has proven quite expensive.

My life has been falling apart the last couple of years. I state this because I need to get through to me that I have to make serious changes. Have to. I see it and understand it and yet haven’t been rectifying it. Been too consumed with other matters. And now those other matters have dissipated and the choice is all mine on where to go from here.

What do I want? Greater clarity. Less guilt on my conscience in going forward. The opportunity to be genuinely proud of myself for whatever I go on to accomplish. The ability to be a better friend to others. To someday be able to partake in a healthy, loving romantic relationship that’s not clouded with unnecessary drama. To learn how to better work with what power I do have. To reduce my own hypocrisy and to uphold fairer standards. To gain integrity and self-control. To be more like the people I admire.

That’s what I want for me. And I am going to put one foot before the other and achieve this. Because it’s time. The only other alternative is to keep tolerating this downward spiral, and that’s not an option. It hurts people. It hurts me. Then I hurt people. I do not want to be cruel to my loved ones, and yet at times I have been. But the past is being forgiven. Today is a new day, and my choices now affect what opportunities are available on down the line. It’s going to be okay. It’s just life — can’t let it overwhelm me like this anymore.

It’s at least been fairly educational analyzing all my junk and realizing how a person can decline into life-negating habits and mindsets. Perhaps I’ve been learning all of this for a reason. Perhaps I needed to bare my soul and confess my sins publicly for a while there just to get the reality on the table so I could examine it all for what it is. And maybe through this transition I’ll be able to help others in similar situations along the way. Maybe strength will increase each day that I am able to face my fears and accept the pain without trying to numb it.

I was very humbled yesterday. And I’m very thankful for having had that opportunity. It will remain a private matter. Just know that it was very positive and freeing in the end. His compassion and honesty shown meant a great deal. It’s now proving inspiring whereas in the past I might stay mired in guilt and then get indignant later on as a result, which is just some weird self-defeating thing that gets me nowhere and frustrates us all. But I’m letting this guilt go now. We’re done punishing me, and I’m done lashing back out. I’ve learned my lesson over these years, and perhaps I had to learn it in this hard of a fashion so that it would really and deeply sink in and permanently alter me. But either way, that pain is ending. I will handle things differently next time around.

But this is a life thing, not just a relationship thing. My navigation has been off, but it’s going to get better. I want to become better. And that requires taking action, little by little. I’ve been really hard on myself, perhaps too hard, and I have to lighten up while engaging in this process. The sense of humiliation was paralyzing me in doing the right things and yet increased the likelihood of me doing more wrong things. And that’s a horrible cycle to get caught up in. Leads to vengefulness and recklessness and worsening depression. Sickness of the spirit. And that then can poison the spirits of others too, which is no good.

I’ve taken myself down, so I now get to lift me back up and carry on.

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