Our devilish ways

No one wants to even know what I did last night. I can feel the hisses and boos already. But ah well. This is my life and I will live it according to what I think is best.

Stayed the night with my former companion. No, we’re not planning on getting back together, but it was nice to reconnect. The thing is that I love that man and always will, even if it defies all logic. We talked about his new dating life and his priorities for the future. I pressured him to get rid of this new bitch, the one I caught with him on Easter, and he has agreed to do so. Partly to help keep the peace, partly because she’s no better for him than I was, romantically-speaking. I understand they’re using one another, but lust clouds one’s judgment and I am very concerned about what I’ve heard from others about her. Luckily they’ve not become sexually active yet, or else I would have no choice but completely walk away from the possibility of engaging with him in such a fashion ever again. She’s too risky in that respect. Furthermore, she’s too much unnecessary drama. He said he’d let her go and I hope he keeps his word. He knows as well as I do that he’d be better off with a more independent woman who’s not jealous the way I was or the way that new bitch promises to be.

Call me controlling, I don’t rightly care. I’m trying to look out for my people, as well as myself, here. He has another prospect who sounds a lot more compatible and would be better off keeping the door open for her eventually. I can at least see and appreciate that. But the other bitch, no, she has to go. There can be no peace until she’s out of the picture. The level of disrespect there I cannot stomach. She knew me and yet she overstepped, so fuck her. I have no feelings for her anymore. I told him that maybe in a year or so if she’s still around and interested and after he’s had ample time to really observe her from a distance, then perhaps he can gauge the situation more clearly and decide if it’s worth it. But currently he obviously cannot. She’s been feeding him alcohol and keeping him off-center. This I loathe and will not accept, not among my people, not from some trifling woman like her. She needs to go find some other target to use and emotionally tangle and leave my people alone. And that’s gonna be that. If he has any sense, he’ll abide by this and move along as I have requested. We will discuss it again tonight.

He knows his life is out of order. I know mine fell apart for a while there too. Only I can save myself, that is thoroughly understood. And he unfortunately has a bit of a corrupting influence on me, not that he intends to, just the way his lifestyle appeals to me though I cannot keep up with it. But what I can do is help with some yardwork so that he can get his house ready to go up for sale since it’s an enormous financial liability at this point. I wish to be his friend and to aid where I’m able so that he can get in a better spot. Still feel like I owe him that. But I can’t and won’t do that so long as he’s tangling with a woman I’ve come to despise.

So, hopefully he heeds my advice and works on what he needs to so that he can eventually be with a better woman than either her or me. Just as I hope to someday be able to find someone more compatible for myself. We both need better than this. We both need to become better than where we’ve wound up. We both deserve better than what we’ve created for ourselves. And yes, I’m bound and determined to push him in a better direction as well, so far as I am able. Never claimed to not be a bitch, but I’m not a bad person to have in your corner either.

I look forward to the day when I can honestly give him my blessing on a healthier relationship. But that new bitch isn’t the one. She’s worse than history repeating, and I can see that a mile away. I pray he comes to terms with this quickly and acts according to his own long-term best interests. She may be entertaining and exciting, but all the drama queens are initially.

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2 Responses to Our devilish ways

  1. Matt says:

    Down with the drama queens!

    I’ve been pondering the difference of madness, love and friendship at times.
    It seems that love which doesn’t grow out of a friendship won’t last. There needs to be this deep connection, which goes beyond mere romance. And such a friendship which grows into love lasts even the ending of ‘love’. Such a relationship remains through many forms, at best, for a lifetime.

    And then there are occurences of emotional turbulence, enormous bodily / mental lust, which more often than not only wound people. Drama Queens definitely are good at causing such..

    It shows that you have a noble character to take care of him. There’s more than enough people trying to survive on their own, with the way our modern life isolates people into ‘individuals’ without community..

    • Byenia says:

      Well, as to be expected, my former flipped the script the next day and resisted. He finally agreed to not engage in sex with her or date her or have her in his bedroom anymore, but I doubt I can even trust that since he still intends to go out partying with her and having her back to his house.

      Ugh. Whatever. I have tried until I’m blue in the face with that man. Our situation has plenty of that emotional turbulence/bodily lust stuff you mentioned too, and we’re in such a damaged spot that it’s just stupid that I even try to help him at this point. He doesn’t want my help. He wants to party on and take his chances, so I really need to look out for myself right about now since he’s likely going to eventually sleep with her (if he hasn’t already) and possibly expose me to risks since I stupidly found my way back to his bed. It’s no good. None of this is good.

      I try to show my loyalty toward him, but I don’t think he appreciates it. My friends think he’s toying with me at this juncture, and I’m past trying to make sense of this shit. He will remain among my people and I’m willing to help him with certain things, but I really need to continue distancing myself from him and this toxic relationship. We’re not doing each other any favors in sticking around like this. Certainly is tangling my emotions, again and again. Saw a side to him last night that I’m not too keen on, aside from him throwing the past back in my face once again, like usual, like always. Just brings me right back down to feeling all the guilt and shame and hinders my progress in becoming a better version of myself. Whether he means to or not, it’s what keeps happening.

      So I really just need to step away and let him go ahead and make his mistakes. He’s been warned but thinks he knows better than me, so he’s free to find out for himself. I could be wrong about her — it is possible, though I really don’t think I am, especially not after what I hear from others. But that’s on him now. Gotta let him go and just stop concerning myself with what he’s got going on since he’s not really wanting to help himself and I can’t keep going down for him. There’s no winning this game. I lose automatically by even continuing to play it.

      Love is a very strange phenomenon. Can defy all logic and rationality. But love shouldn’t keep hurting this much. This has turned sick and twisted, and I need to leave it alone for my own sanity’s sake.

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