My moods shift day-by-day, hour-by-hour…
Look, while I am aiming to take a bunch of responsibility onto myself right now for what all has led me to where I’ve wound up, that still doesn’t make my former companion a saint. Just have to go on record stating that. He’s one of the most inconsistent men I’ve ever dealt with, probably due to trying to please too many people all at once. Trying my best to forgive us both, but that doesn’t mean I don’t harbor any anger at him any longer. Wouldn’t be honest to pretend otherwise. Just trying to let it go to the best of my ability since it’s pointless. I’d like to get along with him eventually and it’s anybody’s guess if that will ever prove possible since we truly are practically opposite in nature and disposition and are fundamentally incompatible in nearly every way. Yet, I care about him anyway, and he claims the same vice versa, at least to me and behind closed doors.
Am I a sucker for that man? Apparently. I see it too. And it sucks. When he comes around I get all emotional and take the blame onto myself (at least when I’m not all indignant and lashing out at him, which sets the stage for more guilt to follow — it’s complicated), and that’s been the routine for a long time. But he did apologize last week for his part in this shit, so I’m trying to be bigger about it and to focus on the positive aspects of him that I might learn from. Doesn’t change the fact that he aggravates the fire out of me and has for a long time. Doesn’t change the fact that we fight like cats and squirrels even when we’re both sober and that he instigates it in his own ways too. I’m clear on all that, but others won’t get it since they weren’t there to witness it behind the scenes. He’s a great actor and he knows it, so I’m at a loss when interacting with him in public since he always has an eye toward what others are witnessing and knows how to push my buttons quietly. It sucks, but it is what it is.
Nothing new has occurred, just been thinking. It’s a very strange deal and all I know is I want to look out for that sort of dynamic in the future and do my best to avoid it in terms of romantic affiliations. Because it’s done a number on my head. I’m sure he didn’t mean to intentionally, or at least I hope not, but it still happened like that. Probably largely due to his inconsistencies, saying one thing, then another, telling me one thing, telling others something else. It’s messed with my mind in a way that I have to protect myself from in going forward. Didn’t feel very fair. And then I get all guilt-ridden and let it go on. Wish I wouldn’t do that. Part of my plan on changing as I move on is to build myself up to where I don’t accept that sort of thing anymore. My sense of worth sucks and has for too long. Does he take advantage of that? I don’t know if he means to necessarily, but sometimes I’d have to say he must. Because it means a lot to him to be seen by others as a “nice guy.” That’s his ambition, and I can get thrown under the bus if needed in order to serve that agenda. It’s a miserable feeling to recognize this as the way it’s always going to be most likely.
Though I obviously have no problem showing myself to be something wholly other than nice. And that’s where I fall into the trap every time. And that’s why controlling my anger and reactions is important since there are people out here who will manipulate, whether they are wholly conscious they’re doing that or not. It’s a weird thing to try to stand back and observe in hindsight.
But there’s nothing I can do about it other than to cease reacting as expected. I show too many of my cards, and people pick up on that. Such appears to be the fate of a highly emotional person with volatile inclinations when the shit hits the fan. I’m frequently reminded that this is his city of origin and many people around here have known him a long time. I’m a relative newcomer who is largely unknown. The burden winds up being on me to demonstrate I have more to me than what has been portrayed.
Still can’t hate him though. Just can’t. Gotta forgive him too. I don’t think he even means to be this way. Just become his nature. Nobody can drink as much as he has over the course of his life, day in and day out, and see life in a clear fashion. Nor could I. So I’m not even entirely certain anymore what the reality is here. There’s only perceptions, opposing as they appear to be at times.
But when he stated that he’s insane last week and we laughed about how it would’ve done me good to hear that sooner, that wasn’t really a joke on my end. Helps to realize we’re both crazy, though he may outwardly appear to be the saner of the two.
Yet another reason for why I’m quitting drinking. The insanity has to stop. It gets to me in ways he just doesn’t understand. Might not ever understand. Though I don’t think he wishes to harm me. In fact, I really believe he doesn’t. I am not equipped to be in a relationship with a heavy drinker (particularly when it turns me into a heavier drinker). Doesn’t make him a bad guy, just very confusing to me. Forever confusing. The logic breaks down again and again and again, likely on both sides. And that creates a mystery I am incapable of solving. May he have better luck in handling all of that with a different lady, because it’s past obvious that I’m not the one. Even as I continue to care about what happens to him and hope he pulls up out of whatever he’s doing to himself currently.
But now I have to focus on me. Focused more than enough time on him.
Update 7/25/2015: This morning, in a text exchange, he wrote: “I really do hope you get to a good place in your life and find some happiness. You deserve it.” Also said he’s taken the past week off from partying and has even put a couple pounds back on. That pleases me.
Can’t help but care about those we consider special, even if it doesn’t work out how we might’ve once hoped. He’s still one of my people, so I’ll continue caring. Just the way it is. Perhaps there’s no such thing as full and complete closure in a case like this.