Power is important to me. Important to probably all of us to whatever extent. But I’ve become preoccupied with it. The reason being that I feel fairly powerless. I think that is a big contributor to how poorly I’ve been feeling the past couple of years. No, in fact I know it is. I don’t crave a ton of power, just more than I felt I had. But the productive avenues toward gaining that had been eluding me. This I acknowledge and will learn more about as time moves on.
Respect matters too. Yet I can be very disrespectful. Today I thought about what I respect in others and how I can make changes toward becoming more worthy of respect. Starts with respecting myself.
I will keep life simple right now because obviously I’m in a very contemplative spot and need room and time to grow away from this period in my life. The aim now is to get to a point where I can like myself. Gonna work in that direction. Means a good bit has to change, and everyday provides opportunity for making different choices. I will remain cognizant of this in going forward.
It’s been a very strange period in time. I nearly lost myself, but now I’m found. It’s going to be okay for all involved. No more apologies are needed, just action on my part. Step by step. I need to be back on my own side instead of tearing me down inside. When I am angry and in pain and full of resentment it winds up spilling out everywhere I go, and that’s no good. Brings nothing good into the world and recognizing that then makes me feel that much worse. It’s an awful cycle. But I see it for what it is now.
That’s not who I want to be. Never wish to see that side of myself in full view ever again. Knowing it’s there is enough. That energy must be redirected in some sort of creative fashion and it will be. This is my ship and I am the only one capable of keeping it afloat. There are a number of good things and good people in my life and I am grateful for all of them, even my former companion (aside from our problems and the drinking). I’ve learned a lot and will continue doing so.