Here’s to enjoying the summer

Went on a bike ride today for the first time in many years. My best guyfriend has been encouraging me to do this with him for so long, yet I never would. Was too nervous to do so. Not exactly sure why. We had a nice time and traveled about 4-5 miles each way down a bike path. Actually was a cool experience and I look forward to continuing to do this activity with him and other friends going forward. In fact, another guyfriend texted yesterday to ask me on a bike ride, so now I feel confident enough to try to keep up with him for a night ride one of these days.  smile

On the agenda for tonight is the game Monopoly over at my galpal’s place with some of her people. She bought sandwich fixin’s so I’ll be having dinner over there as well. Hoping to whoop her on this game, just as I have the last two we’ve played so far (Sequence and Cards Against Humanity).  hehe  Haven’t played Monopoly in a long while but used to love playing it with my dad and brother while growing up.

Feels like life is opening up new possibilities. Weird that I decided to trap myself in my apartment and in my former relationship instead of getting out and mingling with people who are into the sort of things I enjoy. Like I forgot who I was or I got caught up trying to be someone I am not. Was a very strange period of time. Guess that’s what depression can do to a person.

Met with an older lady for coffee yesterday and had a heart-to-heart about navigating in life. That went well. We’re planning to go on a walk on Thursday evening if the weather is nice enough.

What else? Oh, another guypal invited me out to the bar last night, already aware that I had quit drinking. So I joined him and ordered an orange juice and a water and just hung out. That went well also. I didn’t actually feel tempted to drink really. Just was nice to be out and about, observing people and conversing, though I could’ve done without the blaring techno music. Stayed a little over an hour and then headed home, not worried about the cops pulling me over for once. Felt good to maintain control and to be able to measure my words carefully so as not to offend, which alcohol obviously tends to hinder.

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3 Responses to Here’s to enjoying the summer

  1. Matt says:

    🙂

    There’s this kind of a ‘dualism’ to things, where one grows to being comforted by nothingness. It felt terrible to be with my own partner, but the ‘outside world’ felt worse. And it’s easy to rationalize it all into being absolutely right.

    I remember, after my difficult relationship, that it felt very strange to realize how withdrawn I’d become into this mutual world, like it was this totally separate dimension historically and existentially. How I’d gotten so tied to being with a person, and being a certain person with her, that it made up everything from the way I thought to the way I went around to places. Or rather, didn’t.

    It was very isolated, a time full of guilt and a sense of stagnation.

    All of that time with nothing really made me feel thankful for small things, small moments. But I won’t go into all that history here.

    Here’s hoping you’ll have good things ahead.

    • Byenia says:

      Thanks for sharing that you’re able to relate with me here, Matt.

      “It was very isolated, a time full of guilt and a sense of stagnation.”

      That about sums it up perfectly. Sounds like you and I went through something very similar in that regard.

  2. Matt says:

    It was a relationship of two years, but very intense, and I still miss certain aspects of that time, which is a very ambivalent thing emotionally. It was very depressing, not worth the ‘entrance fee’ of losing my kindness and happiness. I still feel kind of shocked at how angry I could get.

    I’ve always taken a lot of responsibility for people I’m with, even if I don’t show it. She could put a lot of blame on me, and I felt useless, in a really deep way she couldn’t comprehend. But I was living through it all, to try to keep up this kind of a ‘mysterious’ connection I imagined there, between her and me.

    It’s good to not have to live in that mind-space anymore.

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