I do want to forgive us both. This anger is no good. It’s a bitter pill that poisons the soul and can undermine future ambitions. He’s a lot more forgiving than I am. He’s also a lot happier person than I am and more highly esteemed by others. I understand there are good attributes about that man that I should learn from and carry forward in my own way.
There’s been enough anger here, and really it’s just a cover for the pain and sadness and regrets and fears. But this anger has just been making me sick and spiteful inside. He’s not the enemy, nor am I. We’re just people making our ways through life in the ways we know how. Drama happens. Can’t be entirely avoided. People hurt one another sometimes, and we can hurt ourselves too. That’s the way life rolls. Resisting that appears completely futile.
I don’t know what I’m still so scared of. Perhaps that I won’t be loved again. Perhaps that this is a product of who I am and therefore will be repeated each time I enter into a relationship. That this sense of sorrow will return again and again and again all throughout life and that maybe I’m not strong enough to handle it. Maybe part of the problem is my lack of faith in myself. But then again, based on what? Where does that sort of faith even come from? Are we not all insecure beings at the core?
Love. That’s a very loaded word. Means different things to different people. People talk about self-love, and I do appreciate the notion, though I don’t understand it entirely. I do and I don’t.
Forever seeking a soft place to land… Nevermind pursuing money and material gains — those aren’t sufficient to bring about a true sense of belonging. I wanted to belong, and I feel like I failed miserably. My ego is severely bruised and my emotions are twisted, and the rejection stings like crazy. People want you to smile and play confident and pretend you have everything under control, but I think they ask too much. What was more important was the inner work, not the outer appearances.
I wanted to be worth holding on to. Worthy. And I let myself down in terms of my conduct. I really don’t want to keep giving myself a hard time over this, but this is the struggle. How to fix this issue inside myself. How to make this right. How to right past wrongs where possible. How to become worthy. But then I get all indignant that I feel the need to strive so hard to gain access to what so many assume they’re entitled to. I needed a friend, a real friend. Someone I could deeply trust and count on. But I made a mess of the situation and got super depressed and then panicked, and it’s just been downhill from there. And now I’m seriously embarrassed and ashamed of myself. And that makes you want to lash out at somebody else, just to turn the focus away from yourself for a moment. But this is a bad strategy. Fruitless. Unfair.
I’m very sorry. Very, very sorry. I want and need to forgive me and allow myself to move on. I want and need to forgive him too for not being the right person for me. We disappointed one another, and I disappointed myself severely. I keep holding on inside I think because what’s known is at least less scary than what’s unknown and I fear letting go and sliding somewhere worse. In that regard he’d be correct that I apparently have leaned on him as a crutch of sorts. Because I had a greater measure of faith in him than I have in myself.
The past few months I’ve tried tearing him down in my mind because it felt necessary. Needed to make him human and equal instead of someone I depend on for support. Tried to detach myself from the positive emotions I had had for him through focusing on the negative and lashing out with my gossip. He truly did irritate the hell out of me plenty — that’s no secret — but this ultimately is in me, this is my issue that I must contend with. He did all he could to help me with this, though he didn’t understand it and eventually recoiled from it. I don’t want to drive people away from me. I don’t want to feel like a burden on others because I can’t keep it together. And that’s a big fear of mine, that this is a problem bigger than I know how to deal with. That I will continue failing in my efforts and people will continue giving up on me. I am terrified of that outcome. To the point where it’s nearly paralyzing.
So maybe the first step has to be figuring out forgiveness. Forgiving myself for being a fallible human being who’s made a mess but who hopefully will do better in the future. For hurting someone who didn’t deserve it. For being who I am, over-analyzing and all. Who isn’t worthy of love? And I do have the love of my friends and Grandma. It’s not like I’m completely alone out here in the world, thank god. But I’m terrified of being so. Though this fear and the subsequent anger that accompanies it is causing many of the problems nowadays. I do see this. I don’t want to be the bad guy, not to my loved ones. I don’t want to continue envying what feels beyond my reach, nor resenting what I’m unable to change. It’s too much pressure. I don’t know what to do with it all and it’s messing me up. Don’t want to carry it anymore. It’s time to simplify.
There has to be more to life than this. Because it’s gotten to where it feels like just wasting time. Waiting for something to give. But I don’t think it’s ever going to give much more than it has already. No one promised us a rose garden. All the pressure to strive, to do something, to be something — it’s just so heavy. I just want to be me and have that be okay. I want to work on myself without the incessant chatter going on inside that reminds me of past pains and failures and people I miss. He used to say I’m so very hard on myself, and he may be right. I’ve been tearing me apart for long enough. It’s done no good and hasn’t fixed a thing, other than perhaps providing more perspective on matters where I needed to be honest about what I was responsible for. But okay — we see that clearly now. It’s over. The past is over. I can do nothing with any of that now.
All I have is today and need to take it one day at a time. I don’t know what the future holds. None of us do. Not entirely sure what all is worth striving for beyond simply trying to pick myself back up. That’s all I can do right now. It’s all I have the energy to do.
I did need some sunshine in my life that I’m apparently incapable of generating for myself. And unfortunately I couldn’t hold onto it. But perhaps there’s more light to be found out there in this big world. All is not lost. People come and go. Just gotta focus on what we do have control over going forward.