Been reading more from James Altucher recently. Really enjoy his writings and can relate with the stories and tidbits he shares (though not the parts about making gobs of money and then losing it all, over and over — but give me time. haha).
One point he repeatedly makes that I’m doing my best to take to heart is the need to reduce my complaining and gossiping. Even I tire of hearing myself bitching so much. lol Yet, it’s the norm for me, just as it was for nearly everybody I’m related to. And that’s a norm that’s run its course and deserves to die down. Makes me feel wicked to grumble and growl as much as I do, though some of my complaints are meant in a sort of dry jest (not that hardly anyone ever seems to pick up on that). Sometimes it feels like a form of personal entertainment, but nowadays I feel so damned bitter that it’s coming to rob me of all positive sentiments. My Papa was a master at griping, so I followed suit naturally, he being one of my favorite people. Well, there’s a limit somewhere that I’m pretty sure I’ve crossed along the way, as did he, and neither of us were better off on account of that.
Though, it deserves to be stated, I’m more prone to gripe publicly while holding inside my positive feelings because I’m worried about others pissing in my cornflakes, so to speak. So I tend to hide my positive sentiments and instead share my disgruntlement more so. That’s not ideal, but that’s what I tend to do. With close friends I’m much more free with positive sentiments since I trust them to not trash them — it’s strangers I’m leery of. And I work very hard to not complain around my clients about anything either — they get a free pass there, as they rightly should. It’s the rest of the outside world I grumble to and about. Though my close friends do hear more of it than they deserve, admittedly, and I’m ashamed of that fact, especially lately.
But it’s just so darn easy to complain and gossip. Especially if you frequent bars as much as I have over the last decade. That’s a haven filled to the brim with bitching and gossiping and people refusing to take personal responsibility for barely anything. Probably not been the best influence on me throughout my 20s, and now here I am in my 30s helping contribute to it. That’s no good. Plus, undoubtedly it causes others to worry about coming too close to me for fear that I’ll re-share something they’ve mentioned in confidence or I’ll talk smack behind their backs. Hmm. This has been running through my mind a lot this past month, though my tongue has continued wagging about a certain somebody I’m still getting over. Is he gossiping about me? Maybe to some folks. More than likely his new female companion is flapping her gums though, and that makes me incensed, creating this need to defend myself in the only way I know how. BUT, coming across as more of a bitch doesn’t help my case here. Though I’m not even sure why I give a damn about half of these people’s opinions of me in the first place.
My gameplan in recent weeks has been to be very careful about who I’m saying what to and to keep most of my thoughts restricted to a select few. But my voice does tend to carry, and beyond that I’m just tired of rehashing all this negative bullshit. Yes, he hurt me. Yes, I hurt him. We managed to do a number on one another. Yes, it’s over and is going to stay over. We both have our problems and shortcomings, but his are his and mine are mine at this point. Just sucks when you dated someone who’s popularly regarded as such a sweetheart while you come across as a bit of an odd duck by comparison, and so many people know him and lap up his public persona while I consistently feel like an outsider in this area where damn-near everybody seemed to have grown up together. So I get defensive. Then that other female gets added to the equation and I blew my top and so now that’s out there circulating and I get to feel like a chump, to boot. Just pisses me off. Trying to walk it off, but I’m still aggravated. Not ready to pretend I’m okay with the situation or with him or even with myself and my prior choices and actions. So I continue holding all of our feet to the fire.
But where does it end? With me remaining bitter while they run off frolicking through the hills doing whatever it is that they do? Screw that. The best thing I can do right now is become better, to heal my wounds and improve myself and walk on with my friends and loved ones who actually do care and deserve my support rather than my reel of frustrated complaints. I know that. Am working actively on that. Right now the best I can strive for is to simply be quieter, because I cannot pretend to be content yet. I just need to shut up. Some have told me this, and I heard them, and then I lose sight of that and have to start over each day with trying again. Because stubborn habits die hard. I can be a definite bitch once scorned. And while that’s understandable, now it’s a question of who I’m trying to become.
While I aim to keep my close friends’ personal matters private, once I feel seriously slighted by someone to where we’re no longer friends and all trust is destroyed I can be verbally vicious. Very much so. That’s a truth I’m going to have to reckon with from here on out and learn to rein in. Mild bitching is one thing, but I’ve been red-hot in recent weeks. Takes a lot of energy to keep my mouth shut.
Speaking of reasons to bitch… A few minutes ago I paused in typing this to go retrieve my clothes out of the upstairs dryer (since ours on this floor is broken, yet again) and I found my clothes strewn around on the ground. I timed the cycle for approximately an hour and couldn’t have been more than 10 minutes late in coming up to get them. Normally, in the nearly 7 years I’ve lived in this building, people have the courtesy to set clothes on top of the dryer or in the laundry bag or hamper if one’s present. But no. We have a new old, mean bitch who recently moved in whom I’ve never even spoken to and saw for the first time tonight, and she just threw all my clean clothes on the dirty floor. What an asshole move. Not like I’ve been hogging the laundry room — just washed and dried one load and kept up with the time pretty darn closely. Grr…
How does one not bitch about shit like that? I will never be able to remain silent in the face of that sort of junk. Nope, can’t do it. Same as with dealing with asshole drivers. Irks me. There’s no need in acting like that. And yet some people get their jollies by doing so. Ugh…I continue to strongly dislike many, many people out here in the world. How can one not?? Trifling, mean-spirited pains in the ass. All we can do is note it and if she keeps up that sort of crap we can mention it to the landlord and see if he cares.
So, yeah…reducing my bitching is going to require a ton of will power out of someone like me. But I’ll see where I can improve on that. Though likely I’ll always bitch on here since people who know me in person don’t read this thing and this is my place to vent and sort out emotions and thoughts.