“How Depression Makes You Stronger”

Good ways to look at it. I can recall years ago when I felt closer to that same understanding that depression is something to work through and to the other side of, not something you can run away from. And then somewhere over time I lost my way and did come to identify too much with the depression (or melancholia, as I prefer to refer to it), feeling like it was controlling and trapping me.

The realization has been slow to emerge, but I see now why I’ve made no progress and in fact regressed in recent years. Because I became too concerned with other people’s judgments of me, for starters, plus I’ve been trying to fit into a lifestyle (actually a cocoon of sorts) that is in direct conflict with what a bigger part of me wants out of life but lacks courage to full-on pursue. So I’ve been retreating, holding on to the past, trying to seek refuge where comforts could be found, feeling that was necessary at the time. And perhaps it was, but now that’s all shattered because I blew it up, just as needed to happen. Can’t regret doing what was necessary to break free from that mental shackle and the unrealistic dream at its core. It was an illusion all along, despite it feeling good for a while. It came to be more painful than it was worth to where I’d rather now step up and get on with living in a different way. Which I’m already taking steps to do and will continue.

There’s no choice left anymore here. I do love my life and enjoy experiencing its wonders. And I shouldn’t have to submit to becoming someone I’m not, though I do need to become a better version of myself. Couldn’t accept that particular bit and bridle and lost myself in the process of trying to do so.

We live and we learn…

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