My arms ache today. Told my gym trainer to work me more on the barbell machine yesterday, and I’m feeling it now. Feels good though. Feels like a little more progress. Little by little…
Everyday I wake up to old arguments running through my mind. Unresolved conflicts. Questions I’ll never receive answers for. A sense of shame for my own behaviors and frustration with the behaviors of others. That’s what I’m working through. Some say you gotta block it out, but I cannot. It greets me every morning before I’ve fully come to. And I get the impression that major life lessons must come through this, that trying to ignore it will keep me from growing as needed. Grappling with this pain is what it takes apparently. Can’t run from myself, and not even alcohol can dull this sufficiently. It’s here and it’s not going away anytime soon, not until I’ve made my way to a better spot emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
I want forgiveness. Redemption. I need it. All humans make mistakes and bad choices and hurt others as well as hurting ourselves in the process. I know this. And I’ve appreciated the compassion shown by my closest people and several others I’ve interacted with. They don’t judge me harshly, though I do judge myself. Part of me wonders if forgiveness is something that must be striven for or if it’s something divine granted simply for being human and being willing to struggle to see oneself for the fallible being you can’t help but be. Some say I take myself and my life too seriously, that I should learn to laugh at myself and not be so hard on me for past failings. But I’m not there yet. Hurt someone I cared about and hurt myself too. That’s no small matter in my book. That he hurt me too isn’t of supreme relevance here anymore, because I can’t control him but feel like I should be able to control myself. And I will. Walking forward…
Pain tends to pay forward. Only way to break the chain of that cycle is to see it clearly for what it is and to consciously and actively change course. I don’t wish to be driven by my emotions to the extent that I have been in the past, though it still remains a puzzle to sort out how to gain more control over that. Don’t want this anger to turn me vicious, considering I’ve come to see how weak of a position that truly is to operate from. He and I used to talk about these things, yet he always played dumb and told me that I was fine, that there was nothing wrong. Oh yes, there’s something wrong here, and either he was blind or just pretending, telling me what he thought I wanted to hear, as was too common. Didn’t help. Only confused me further and allowed this situation to continue unraveling in a very unproductive way. Not useful. But now I see it for what it is. He was right in that the kind of help I need he couldn’t offer. That was true — was always true. Because we deal with our lives too differently and are so unalike when it comes to our thought processes. He’s a simpler man, and while I envied that, I am not that and never will be.
Some people can walk away and just tune thoughts out and give the impression that they’re simply getting on with it. I require blood, sweat, and tears to aid me in moving on, because I need to work it through and cleanse it out and put in conscious effort to feel like I’m honestly progressing. Some might call that self-flagellation, which I can understand, but it feels necessary. I cannot let myself off the hook too easily, for fear that I will repeat past mistakes and not grow enough through this process. There’s a need in me to let my body feel the pain, not just from that relationship but from this whole life…to work it out muscle by muscle, to channel my aggression in a different way that I can feel down to the core of my being instead of it being trapped in my mind and knotted in my gut. I don’t know yet what all it will take, but I grasp it involves steel and soil and channeling these powerful emotions toward something more productive, more tangible, more essential.
I am in pain, psychically and spiritually and emotionally, and I will not deny that to myself or others. It’s okay to admit that. People who pretend life isn’t hard either aren’t really living or somehow have blocked themselves from feeling or are just trying to fool themselves and others. I cannot relate to that. If I didn’t love as hard as I do, I wouldn’t feel pain as deep as I do, and such is life. Can’t have it any other way. Don’t even truly wish to either. To dull oneself with apathy is in my opinion to destroy one’s own soul, and what’s the good in that? Sounds like dying while remaining in existence. I want to love again someday. Want to become better so that I have more to offer. Want to be a better friend to the people who’ve stayed by my side. Also want to become a better protector of myself and my loved ones and to learn to better discern who deserves to be kept close and who ought to instead be let go of or run off. I want my aggressiveness to serve a more useful purpose overall since it’s obviously a part of my being and thereby cannot be denied or fully diminished. Conventional wisdom shuns such aspects in people unless we’re involved in sports or channeling it in entertaining ways, but to hell with them and what they might want and their wishful thinking. They obviously do not understand human nature in a deep way.
My job isn’t to cater to random people’s wants and whims. They have their own lives to worry over managing.
There’s always this part inside of me where I feel this restriction in my chest, where it tells me to go back home, where it tells me I miss something or someone. It’s always there, never leaves me. I think it’s trying to tell me to find some sort of roots, something very old but still worth believing in. Something lost along the way…
I wish I knew. Maybe someday I will know and can finally satisfy that relentless need down deep inside. Though I get the impression it’s tribal, primitive, and that there is no home for it here within this New World. So it’s my job to figure out how to create a home for it here and to establish a tribe of a different sort. If I can. Because this feeling will never leave me alone otherwise. That part of me wants to be free. It wants something it can hold onto and deeply connect with and feel a part of and grow with. Whatever that may be.
Too much alienation is bad for the spirit. That much I do know.