Seriously, I never tire of watching this performance:
I adore watching and listening to Mary there performing at the Apollo. And it’s just a great song regardless. Cheers me up to listen to it in the regular rotation and to seek it out as needed.
Anyway, while reviewing that performance again tonight, a thought struck me as humorous: My shit imploded. LOL Seems lots of implosions are occurring these days… ha
That thought just struck me as funny tonight. Enough so that I felt the need to pause and record it here while giving special recognition to a song I really enjoy.
Implosions happen. heh Fuck it. Sucks but what can you do? Tired of feeling as depressed as I got to feeling in recent years. I’m sorry, universe…I, a human being, made some bad choices. C’est la vie. Happens. Think about it. What’s the likelihood of a youth growing up in the U.S. in recent decades NOT fucking up in trying to figure out this whole life maze? Too many obstacles and problems to expect that not to be the case. Guess it’s just a question of what we each individually learn and choose to act upon throughout the process. But we’re emotional creatures, first and foremost. And we’re not as prone to rationality as some wishfully think.
Is that not quite obvious? lol
Anyway, fuck it. I’d like to forgive myself finally. Then I’ll work on fully forgiving him. That’s the best I can hope for.
This has been a really big part of my life for the last four years, and now I’m turning to a new chapter. That feels like a very drastic change, though we’ve been transitioning to this point for a while now. Won’t pretend that it’s not sad. He already had gotten over me, so now it’s my turn. Such is life. Incompatibility happens, and probably much more often than not. But the heart wants what it thinks it wants, even if it doesn’t make any logical sense.
I’m tellin’ ya, we humans are not as evolved as we like to think we are. lol Especially not in terms of what we’re trying to mold ourselves into nowadays, society-wide.
It’s a crazy time to be alive, period. Then you layer on top of that all the interpersonal human concerns that have always existed… and it’s just a hell of a ride.
Requires a lot of patience and forgiveness out of us apparently. Hard as that is. Patience and forgiveness for ourselves too… We’re just a bunch of arrogant apes, you guys. Life’s a learning process, and typically a painful one at that. And that’s just the way it goes. Might hurt less if I had made different choices, but c’est la vie. I do not regret my life, even if I wouldn’t choose to relive all of it. And I don’t regret that relationship in-full. Taught me a lot and is continuing to teach me in its aftermath. He’s not my enemy. And I honestly do wish him well in going forward. That’s the truth. Though I no longer want to be around him, not anytime soon anyway and never again as a lover. In the bigger picture, I really did love him, so…I do want him to be okay in life too, despite everything.
Painful processes are an unavoidable part of living. Relationships can be complicated and end badly. Welcome to human life…