Found myself checking out AVfM forums again this evening…and I gotta say that while there are some folks on there I really do like to read, there are others who type shit that utterly depresses me. That’s just being honest. And I’m sure they’d probably say I don’t have thick enough skin or whatever else, but I have had to reduce the amount of time I put in to checking out that site because, frankly, being repeatedly fed the message that I am the devil by virtue of my sex—which I was born with and had no control in choosing—just brings a person down.
Same with a lot I read and listen to on youtube. I’m attracted toward gender relations topics, but it’s become such a mind-numbing minefield to try to traverse. Maybe I’m not emotionally healthy enough currently to take in so much animosity thrown back and forth between angry, sexist people online, whether males or females. And maybe I never will be. Because a part of me literally wilts every time I read another comment thread littered with statements about how basically all women are “whores” and all we want is your fucking money and we’re cold, calculating bitches who aren’t about anything and “AWALT.” Fuck that noise.
I’ve made a ton of mistakes throughout my life. Made bad choices. Still make some poor choices. Took up a lifestyle that’s brought me a bunch of heat for years on end, especially when I aim to defend female sexual exploration publicly. Not claiming to a be an exceptional woman or even a particularly “good” one. Not even claiming to be all that smart. But I certainly am human — there’s no question in that. And as a human I have as complex of thought processes as any man I’ve ever met, even though we may fundamentally differ on various levels. I, for one, am not an automaton driven purely by biological impulses, nor am I sociopath driven purely by narcissistic desires while giving no shits over whom I impact. And undoubtedly this is true of plenty of other women out there in the world too. Just as I am well-aware that every man running his mouth isn’t necessarily some prize despite his claims to the contrary.
Life is tough, and compatibility can be hard to find. We’re not all constituted equally, and plenty of people out here appear to have come through a lot and aren’t equipped to handle the turbulence of the times we’re born into. That goes for males and females. Some people play games, even very dangerous games, and some folks don’t give a damn about anyone other than themselves. And, once again, that holds true among both males and females. But the majority out here are probably just trying to make something work, even if they don’t know how. They’re trying to hold onto somebody they love even after it’s become apparent that it’s not going to work out. They’re trying to navigate the dating scene without winding up on the losing end more often than not. And all of this is occurring while we’re battling this race against time and aging and growing jaded. And what do motherfuckers do? They pipe up to heckle women about “hitting the wall” and ridicule us for not having all the answers in advance and making all the perfect choices that they personally think we ought to have.
What do people really want from one another? Just want to demean each other until we finally all lose our minds and snap? Want to push each other so that we’ll reveal our dark sides and animosity? Want to degrade each other until all trust is broken and all good sentiments are washed away? What the fuck do these types of people want?? They want to see somebody else get depressed because that somehow makes them feel better? They want to tear others down from the supposed “pedestals” we’re presumed to be sitting on, so that what? They can feel higher and mightier than someone else? Bigger, better, stronger, faster, smarter? For what?
I do not understand people and probably never will. My sensitivities make interaction with a lot of these folks (referring to “manospherians” in general here) just such a mind-numbing experience. But that’s okay, because I’m some sort of she-devil, huh? All of us females out here, that’s all we are, right? Bitches and whores and skanks and evil and conniving… Then we hear the feminists referring to males as if they’re all potential rapists and scum and flagrant opportunists. Gotta be looked at as “all or nothing,” right? Can’t be nuanced in how we examine gender dynamics of today, can we? Can’t take individuals as they come anymore, isn’t that right? Just gotta lump ’em all into categories and then bash them and dismiss them. Because somehow that makes sense. Why not destroy the whole world while we’re at it? Why not just tear down everything that was ever sacred and desecrate anything and everything that might be special to somebody else. Because we’re mean motherfuckers who no longer give a damn about other people. As some on YT like to say, we should just get off the planet and quit breathing up all this air that the haters would prefer to keep for themselves.
Man, what’s becoming of us? Can people no longer comprehend that life can be hard and unfair and that just because we want something doesn’t guarantee it’s going to work out? And there are forces at work, such as those within our government and popular media, that operate against our best interests and entice us to follow in suit. We know this, and yet we berate one another incessantly anyway, as if any one of us down here on the ground has enough power to change the System overnight. As if any one of us can or should be held responsible for every bad deed carried out by another who happens to belong to our sex or our race or our class.
Belittle, belittle, belittle. Tear each other down. Hate and spew vitriol and crack obscene jokes and treat others as little more than fodder to entertain ourselves with. Man, we humans have become very harsh and cruel, and yet we wonder why our lives don’t improve. Must be somebody else’s fault, though. Can’t have anything to do with our own individual shortcomings. Just deflect, deflect, deflect and attack, attack, attack. Degrade and disparage and ridicule. That’s all the rage anymore online and, unfortunately, offline increasingly as well.
We’re a mean fucking bunch of hypocrites and charlatans. Yeah, I understand people are in pain and they’re angry, but where does this bullshit end? With sex separatism becoming the new norm? With men and women viewing one another as little more than walking ATMs and animated sex dolls? If it ever comes to that, it will be due to our own doings. It will be because we placed ideologies above humane principles and castigated others just so as to boost our own egos and avoid looking inward at our own damn problems and frailties and poor choices and simple luck of the draw.
I am certainly no exception. Been angry a long time myself. Trying to work on that and sometimes succeed for spells. But I’m finding society growing colder and harsher in terms of how we view one another and the unrealistic expectations we place on one another. Nobody out here is perfect, and I’m not even sure what “normal” can even mean in such a diverse society. But it’s that goddamn conformist push forever trying to persuade us to see life as black or white, with us or against us. Well, then I guess that leads to me being against a lot of you, because I can’t play this game. It’s a useless mind-fuck that eventually will spit people out in a condition worse than when they started, because it’s based on so many lies and generalizations and obfuscations that lead us farther away from truths and valuable insight.
But, naturally, you can’t tell humans anything since we’re hell-bent on learning everything the hard way. Gotta destroy everything before we wake up and recognize what’s of real value. And by that time it’s already too late. Well, have at it, folks. All this meanness is poison for the soul, but you won’t take my word for it. That bitterness can do oneself more harm in the long run than a lot of what spurred us to become bitter in the first place. I know that much and battle with dark emotions of that sort myself. It weighs you down over time, this I have been learning. Gonna drown ourselves if we keep it up, and gonna take undeserving people down with us when we do. And that’s a real shame.
Ya know, it starts out with feeling jilted and wishing to avoid that pain occurring again. But then through our efforts to protect ourselves, we can become the very thing we despised. And then we become the bad guys or the heavy weight to someone else, maybe someone we love. Then we recreate and pay forward the very thing we ourselves were aiming to steer clear of having to deal with. This cycle happens so often that it ought to be well-understood among us humans by now. And yet, it somehow isn’t. As always, we designate the “other” as toxic, nevermind our own growing toxicity.
And then we wonder why there are so many nihilists out wandering around in society…
[Lightly edited for greater clarity 3/10/2015]