Personal thoughts on a bitterly cold evening in February

Wrote up some stuff yesterday pertaining to academe that I’ll edit and possibly upload another day. Today I’m in introspective mode. Actually all week. It’s bitterly cold outside and that gives us Midwesterners reason to remain indoors as much as possible. But I’ve had some goofy hours this week with the pets, requiring me to go out early, then come back for an hour or two, then go out again for a few hours, then maybe stop for lunch, then go visit some more, then come home for a few hours, then go back out around 10pm for a visit. (Goes that way some weeks. *shrugs*) And now I’m back home and trying to warm up again, keeping the multiple layers on (including scarf and cap since it’s just that cold tonight) and have the space heater cranked. Sippin’ a brew finally since the day is over.

Been getting to bed a little earlier most days this week, though not sleeping the best. But the sleep problems aren’t uncommon.

Been thinking about these new changes to my routine and how people can love one another but still wind up doing wrong in each other’s eyes. I’m not angry anymore. Still a little sad, and I suppose that’s gonna linger a while. Been going through what’s turned out to be the longest break-up, but perhaps it had to go this way. Taught me a lot; perhaps taught him a few things too. Undoubtedly we’ll still remain friends of sorts, eventually. Kinda burnt out on one another right about now though. Burnt out on the whole ordeal. Apparently neither one of us is too good at managing a relationship, if our track record together and previously with others is any indicator. And it sounds like a lot of folks out there aren’t too good at it either. Probably has a lot to do with compatibility — can’t force what won’t go, regardless of how much you might wish it would. I don’t think its uncommon for a number of us to wind up set in our own ways to where we wind up unable (or unwilling) to be flexible enough in order to accommodate somebody else the way they need us to.

Sucks when we hurt and aggravate the ones we love. Sucks sometimes to love the ones we do, at least when it proves unworkable to stay together. But then again, I don’t suppose there’s ever truly anything wrong with loving anyone. Just gotta know when to call the romantic relationship aspect of it quits. We both know we should’ve done so years ago (in our case, within the first year incompatibility really began showing itself). Grievances can put water under the bridge, and it’s not always possible to reverse that trend once it’s set in motion. Tried everything we knew to try, but we just kept mucking it up further.

I’m not innocent. And he’s not the devil. We’ve both behaved like brats toward one another at times. And maybe I’m just not too sure how exactly a healthier relationship is supposed to function. We both came up around a good bit of strife, so perhaps our expectations are skewed in ways that can’t help but prove problematic, at least until we each individually figure out how to address this in ourselves. But he’s off on his own orbit now, and I’m off on mine, and c’est la vie. Maybe we’ll do better with the next people we decide to seriously date.

And that’s looking like a lot of years down the road from where I sit today. It’s tough forming intimate attachments and then severing them and trying to start out again as soloists. Not easy on anybody, no doubt. But we work with what we can and try to treat our friends right and try to learn from our experiences so as not to repeat the same mistakes. Likely to make some new mistakes if given enough time, but that’s unavoidable.

He’s not the bad guy, and neither am I. We might be troubled and act up at times, and we might even go so far as to drive each other a bit crazy, but still. He’s not evil. I don’t think I’m evil (he’s stated he doesn’t consider me to be and has yet to make a claim to the contrary). We both have a number of bad habits that interfere with shit, and that’s something I gotta figure out for myself in going forward. (He’s gonna do whatever he’s gonna do, but that can’t be my concern at this point.) Been taking the first step over the last couple of weeks and trying to sticking to that. Got in mind the next step and hope to dedicate myself toward that. Just to get over the next little hill to see if things look any brighter on the other side. Just might. Never know what the future might hold.

Either way, one foot before the other is all anybody can do. We walk on. Try not to let it get us too far down or make us more bitter. Jadishness probably never truly helped anybody. Maybe I wouldn’t be so ill-tempered if I didn’t have our issues weighing on my mind so often. Maybe. We’ll see.

There’s good and bad sides to everybody, so far as I’ve seen. Now, don’t get me wrong — there are some awful people out there who do more harm than good. But that’s not accurately descriptive of this situation. Just a couple people initially seeking a dream and winding up disappointing one another because neither of us could sufficiently deliver what the other needed. And I admittedly was the first to fail there. Leads to bad feelings and ongoing irritation and strife. Had some good times though too. Just that the scales got severely tipped over time, as can happen. Not so many good times occur anymore, and that’s been true for quite a while now. I’ve been stubborn about letting it go and accepting the situation for where it now stands. Because I’m human.  And it hurts to love someone and then to have to accept that there’s no way to fix the situation. He and I are fundamentally incompatible as romantic partners. And honestly, all signs pointed to that early on, but neither of us wanted to see that back then. As it can sometimes go.

I am so tired of feeling sad and distraught over all of this, and I know he is too. In a way, this week I finally feel more at peace with just letting it go. For real this time. No doubling-back allowed for either one of us this time. Not if we’re to at least preserve a chance at friendship eventually. It’s easier being casual friends than lovers. Expect less from one another and therefore tend to wind up less disappointed.

Gonna walk on. Onward and upward, as some like to say. Got a couple video ideas in mind, have no shortage of books to transcribe from, and eventually once it warms up some I’d like to get out and socialize with some new people. Maybe go to one of those local board game meetings I keep receiving emails about. Beats dealing with the bar-scene, undoubtedly — and glad to so rarely frequent bars anymore, as of the last couple of years. That’s a tough crowd to deal with year after year, as I did throughout my 20s as one who enjoyed visiting favorite watering holes. Too much drama in venues like that, and what else could you expect from a bunch of drunks?  lol

Lifestyle overhauls can take time, that much I’ve been learning for a while now. What works for a while won’t necessarily work forever. And that’s okay. We live and we learn and we move on.

Might eventually go visit some buddies again that I haven’t been going around much in quite a while now. One in particular has told me many times I’m always welcome, but I’ve just been kinda laying low, not wanting to be around most folks over the last couple of years or so. And that’s probably not such a great thing, but it’s just been my frame of mind as of late. Sometimes we need a lot of time to ourselves, even if we don’t particularly like spending so much time alone. Still can prove worthwhile in its own way. But then again, sometimes too much time to think winds up causing more problems than it fixes. And maybe that’s where I’m arriving at.

Been thinking of getting out to go bowling once it warms up some. Hard to get around when you have to wear these heavy snow boots everywhere. ha  Been thinking for quite a while now about looking into the local card game circuit again since I played pretty well last time I was invited to partake in a tournament. Won’t pretend I’m terribly fond of a lot of the people in this town, that being a perennial gripe since moving here, but undoubtedly there are some out here I can relate with. And there’s an older lady I work for who’s been trying to get me to do things with her for a few years now, and I probably should take up her offers finally. She and her daughter aren’t on good terms anymore, so I think she gets lonely and likes the idea of someone her daughter’s age hanging around. Been planning on baking her a pound cake since Christmas and just haven’t gotten around to doing so, but I have all the ingredients on-hand now. Should do that this week. She was nice enough to give me cupcakes and a cookie and a really nice card for Valentine’s Day, and she’s proven very thoughtful on all holidays prior. Plus we’ve talked in the past and she knows what’s up, so I wouldn’t feel too awkward coming around. Guess I have a bit of shyness (nay, awkwardness) when it comes to women (generally speaking), and it’s probably high time I learn to deal with some of that more directly (at least with a mature woman I might learn a thing or two from). She seems cool and very understanding, having worked for her for many years now and met a number of her friends and family members. She’s pretty eccentric in her own ways too, plus she already knows how I feel about feminism and seems to agree by-and-large.

When it gets warmer, my best guyfriend says he wants me to help him plant some small trees, so that’ll be good to learn about and I could get some exercise in digging holes. And I’ve already been working with a gym trainer since last September, so there I can aim to ramp up my efforts. Would be good for me to shed the weight I’ve gained over the last couple of years. Nothing like cortisol to help pack on the pounds.  mybad

Either way, it’s gonna be okay. Just gonna take it one day and one week at a time. Sadness comes and goes, we know this. Nobody promised us a rose garden — we know that too. And I understand my own efforts are integral for improving my situation going forward. Things just got kinda stupid for a while there is all. That can happen. Part of growing up, apparently. But I’m going to have faith that life has more to offer. Gonna hold onto that belief and try heading in a better direction. Best for all involved.

I do get quite sentimental over this topic, granted. Endings are rarely easy, and this has proven to be an especially hard one. Dreams and expectations can really do a number on folks, but what would life be without them? And would that even be possible (or ideal)? Guess it’s just a question of where we direct them and how much we’re individually willing to tolerate before saying that’s enough. Learning to set healthy boundaries. But that leads into other sticky topics best not mentioned here tonight.

[Lightly edited 2/25/2015 for greater clarity.]

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4 Responses to Personal thoughts on a bitterly cold evening in February

  1. Wyrd Smythe says:

    Ah. Something you’d said recently made me think you’d broken up; I see that’s the case. Yeah, breakups suck even from just the change they imply, let alone all the angst that goes along with the actual breakup.

    My condolences. I’ve got a divorce and several major failed relationships in my history, so I feel for ya.

    You mentioned bowling. Every summer I vow to get back into bowling (not that I was ever any good, but I was dragged into a friend’s league one winter). It’s hard to get a lane during the winter with the league play, but summer is another matter. Any sport that involves beer and pizza is okay with me! And I’ve got a ball and shoes.

    • Byenia says:

      Yeah, we split again. This time looking like it might be for real. We still talk on the phone a couple times a week, but it’s been pretty sad. I miss him a lot and wish we could’ve worked it out. And maybe we still might. I don’t know.

      We have a bowling alley just a few blocks away that I’ve never been to. Might be good to give it a whirl since I haven’t been bowling in a few years. Just need to get up out of this apartment more and shake out of this funk.

      Been trying to talk myself into going to the gym more regularly, since lately I’ve been going to my twice-a-week training appointments but not feeling the cardio on other days, as has been the case since around Thanksgiving. But it’d be good to shed some pounds to where I’d feel a little better about myself and have more energy. This week promises to be warmer, so I’m hoping that does the trick, seeing as how much of a chore it is to be lunking around town in snowboots and multiple layers of clothing and a big coat and hat and scarf and all else, then to have to strip it all down and change for the gym. lol Lazy I am.

      Thanks for reaching out, Wyrd.

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