Late-night thoughts in late February

The language is breaking down. While we may generally agree on words’ meanings, there winds up being so many connotations tacked on within whichever social spheres. Our attempts at communication are breaking down. And part of it doesn’t even have to do with the language itself so much as with our attitudes. And educational disparities too. Wide spectrum in general.

And then we layer in all these technologies, particular the computers and smartphones and being influenced by the internet for nearly 2 decades (at least in my case) and all the commercialism and propaganda running rampant on here (as much as on television, if not more so). Been unsubscribed from cable TV for a long time now, but who needs it when there’s the internet? Besides, broadband is expensive enough on its own.

The internet is a never-ending maze. Very intoxicating, addictive. Lots and lots and lots to explore through this medium.

The Abyss…  lol

Plenty of us waste too much time on here. I certainly have the last couple of years especially. Withdraw from the outer world and get absorbed in this alterna-world.

It’s forever interesting and entertaining, but I think I’m entertaining myself to death.  ha  This is not working. Something’s gotta give, just in general. Need to get back to reading my books. Tooo easily distracted by this computer. Ought to get out more. Looking SO forward to spring. Winters here feel so isolating to me. Just doesn’t feel worth going out if I don’t need to. Hopefully another month or so and we’ll get back in the clear. In the meantime, it’s easy to get lazy indoors.

Crazy times, and even crazier how much we take it for granted. Not sure exactly what to do with the times we live in though, personally speaking. Other than observe it. Work as much as I have to in order to just maintain a small perch from which to explore this life. Watch it. Experience it. Reflect on it. Listen to others’ thoughts and opinions. Ponder the possibilities.

Living too much in my head these days, not enough in my body (as Elliott Hulse would say). Just been feeling so drained for so long now. Something’s definitely gotta give. Guilt’s hellish. Losing an important loved one proved pretty devastating too. Only keep bringing it up because it continues bothering me. Just fucks with me, and I really wish it wouldn’t anymore. Papa meant a whole lot to me. “Bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck”…

Haven’t really been feeling right since a few months after his passing, to be frank. Probably pretty obvious to anyone who knew me already. Didn’t handle well in 2012, and nothing’s been the same since. Made some reckless choices during that time too, got angry (at what? I don’t know), and that’s on me. Mea culpa. Nothing more publicly to say about it. Just not been a good spell. Picking up the pieces still. Gonna be a process.

Someone used the term existential panic once, and I think that applies. Arrived at the point of wondering where to go from here. Not too sure. But I got an idea where to step next, even though I can’t see the staircase yet. Current obstacle is mustering the will. Been feeling so blah since back around Thanksgiving. Holidays. Whatever. Spring isn’t far off.

But ya know, it’s bigger than the superficial goals we try to set to keep ourselves busy and active. It’s a question of where life can go from here. I know the wider society has gone stupid, and I also realize there’s not a whole heck of a lot I can do about any of it. I don’t know. That’s where I’m torn. Have conflicted strivings.

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12 Responses to Late-night thoughts in late February

  1. Wyrd Smythe says:

    “The language is breaking down.”

    I think so, too, and it’s a major stick in my craw. Communicating with others is hard enough — a damn minefield. (In fact, I just stepped on a mine earlier tonight, and I’m both hurt and angry, but that’s another story)

    But when we can’t even use words effectively and precisely, it’s like being on a mindfield with a blindfold on.

    “Looking SO forward to spring.”

    Same here. I’m at the point where winter is getting really old.

    (My condolences on your loss. Sucks losing a loved one.)

    • Byenia says:

      You and I both lost important people, so I know you know what it’s like. Hopefully you’ve been doing okay in handling too.

      Aww, what minefield did you step on? Sorry that it got you upset.

      • Wyrd Smythe says:

        Yeah, it’s been a year now, and time really does dull old pains. My mom almost made it to 90 so there’s a whole “led a good life” and “cycle of life” thing that helps.

        There’s a blogger that I stumbled across, a Somali gal living in Sweden, which is an unusual image, and she’s kind of a sensitive person, perhaps overly introspective. She doesn’t get much traffic, so I’ve been trying to support her and encourage her. Which was all going well. We even corresponded a bit by email.

        She had a post about how self-help books are based on a premise of “you’re flawed — I can help” which actually isn’t healthy (with which I totally agree). She then went on to write about a new self-help book she’d ordered…

        I posted a genuine and honest comment that touched on that irony and suggested that our course is not found in our stars (or in books) but in ourselves. I thought it was a pretty innocuous and bland comment.

        She replied and really went off on me, saying I was dismissing her and she used her blog to write about her pain and struggle and basically slammed me for not being a sycophant.

        To which my internal response was, well fuck you very much, don’t write your overwrought shit in public, then.

        But I just swallowed that and unfollowed her without replying. Bugs me because that’s the second time a blogger who’s been very glad to know me has mistaken one thing I’ve said as over-writing everything else I’ve ever said, not to mention all I say on my blog, totally misunderstood me and read me the riot act.

        The first one, somehow I went from being “her favorite blogger” to basically now she won’t speak to me. (My ex-wife and several girlfriends basically did the same thing: one thing outweighs everything else they claim they love. So I’m sensitive to that kinda shit.)

        Oh, well. So it goes.

        • Byenia says:

          Sorry, hon. It’s tricky to guess what might set somebody off. Honestly, I wonder if this isn’t more of a female problem since nearly every time it’s gone down like that for me, it was a female who flipped her shit.

          Might be hyper-sensitivity, which might be temporary though sometimes, as you already know, turns out to be permanent. Might be a princess complex where the lady blogger expects the world to cater to her every wish and lavish her with praise while never saying anything that might remotely come across as a critique of her. Which is total and utter bullshit to deal with. She can dream on.

          If it’s any consolation, I don’t have much luck with the ladies myself. Not sure what so many of them’s problem is, tbh. It’s bothered me for a long time too, and I became really skittish over time when it came to interacting with women since there always seems to come a point where I don’t say something right or hold an opinion they don’t like, and then bam, they want to tell me off or just go forever silent and away. It sucks. And it’s rude too!

          Wish I had some advice, but alas, I’m just grateful to not be a lesbian.

          We all get sensitive at times, but why a person has to shut the other out if not for a really good reason has always struck me as calloused and cold. Yet it’s pretty damn common, from what I can tell. We should be able to disagree, to even fight and feud at times, without the world (or relationship) coming to an end.

          And I think that right there is why so many people form echo chambers, especially online. Because anyone who’s even slightly critical is ran off or blocked. And that’s just ridiculous childishness. It’s like people want to assume that since there are so many people out here in the world that they can treat interactions like a numbers game and demand perfection and just keep tossing people aside until they find whatever it is they think they’re looking for. Plenty won’t probably ever find it though. Might find some sycophants, but what’s the fun in having disingenuous people hanging around?

          To hell with her then. Her loss. You’re fun (and educational) to talk to.

          • Wyrd Smythe says:

            Aw, thanks! I’m glad to know you. It’s funny how we wander through life making connections, many of which falter, but some of which are that proverbial wheat among the chaff. It’s hard to be completely down on the human race when there are ‘saving grace’ individuals out there.

            Back in the day there was a Peanuts poster that had Lucy yelling, “I love mankind, it’s people I can’t stand.” And then much later I found out that’s a re-phrasing of some famous quote by someone, “I love people, it’s mankind I can’t stand.” (Or maybe I have them backwards.)

            Some days I feel one way: hating mankind, but loving the good individuals I know. But other days I feel like mankind — humankind — is the loveable abstraction, but I’m just sick of people. I guess the reality is that both have their good sides and bad sides.

            Wish I would have read the fine print on my contract… I missed the part that warned about how fucking complicated life gets!

            • Byenia says:

              😉 All about the compatibility, and some choose to be more open to diverse views than others.

              But yeah, some days (quite a few days actually) I wouldn’t mind shooting a good portion of humankind into outer space. hehe Orbit, bitches!

              • Wyrd Smythe says:

                Heh! There’s a great bit in the beloved SciFi comedy Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. The Golgafrinchans — a race that looks exactly like us (for good reason) — decide to rid their planet of useless people: middle managers, bureaucrats, advertising executives, telephone sanitizers, and so forth. They invent a story about how their star is going to go nova. To save their race, they propose building three giant “Ark” spaceships.

                First they build the “B Ark” and load all those useless people onto it and shoot it off into space. Then the planet rejoices at no longer having those jerks around. There never was a nova, and they never intended to build the “A” or “C” Arks.

                Shortly thereafter the entire planet is wiped out by a disease spread via dirty telephones.

                Meanwhile, the “B Ark” lands on this planet whose only extant species is a race of unevolved cavemen. The useless Golgafrinchans take over and eventually become the dominant species.

                Of course, that planet turns out to be Earth, and the useless Golgafrinchans our distant ancestors.

                • Byenia says:

                  Wha? Seriously? LOL I have a sci-fi imagination and didn’t even know it. ha

                  Heard of the title Hitchhiker’s Guide to… numerous times and never looked into it. Same for Mystery Science Theater 3000 and however much else. But based on the story shared I like the way they think. 😉 Probably isn’t far from the truth. heh Would explain a lot about our species’ ineptitude.

                  • Wyrd Smythe says:

                    HHGttG and MST3000 are very different beasts, but do share in common being silly good fun. HHGttG is probably the silliest SF I’ve ever read, but there is a definite edge buried under the silliness. It’s a must-read for any SF fan. You need to learn the importance of the number 42! And Babel fish.

                    Here’s another snippet I love. The hero, Arthur Dent, is saved from the destruction of Earth by his friend, Ford Prefect (who is actually an alien who was visiting, and got stranded, on Earth). He picked the name “Ford Prefect” because he thought it was a normal name on Earth. And it is. It’s the name of a car model Ford sold in the UK — The Ford Prefect.

                    Anyway, he uses an “electronic thumb” to hitch a ride on one of the Earth-destroying Vogon cruisers. Not that the Vogons themselves would allow that, but the race hired as cooks on board hate the Vogons (but not their money) and sneak them aboard.

                    The ship is about to enter hyperdrive, and Ford warns Arthur:

                    “It’s unpleasantly like being drunk.”
                    “What’s so unpleasant about being drunk?”
                    “Ask a glass of water.”
                    😀

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