Feeling thankful for the good days. Sometimes a storm cloud settles overhead and lingers for days, not always with any rhyme or reason. But then the light breaks through again and life carries forth. Then it’s time to stop and count the blessings.
My love made a very nice meal tonight and invited me over to share it with him. He’s always such a good cook. Honestly never was a fan of meatloaf until I tried his, and it remains the only one I care for and actually crave. My companion’s hobby is to watch cooking shows and to peruse America’s Test Kitchen volumes. Just something he really enjoys. And I’m always drawn toward men who like to cook. ha
Maybe next year we can get him the gas grill he’s had his heart set on since his is in bad shape.
But with the ups come the downs. Not all days are created equal. Trying to do what I can put the dark days behind us to see what else might lay in store. Guilt can wreck a human being’s mind…even going so far as to do more harm than the original offense. Nugget of wisdom I’ve been grappling with along the way.
But such thoughts can wait until another night. Regrets can consume too much attention. For now I’m grateful for how we’ve moved on with the desire to remain friends. All I know is that he’s a very intriguing man who keeps me running in the heart department. He has so much kindness inside of him, probably a lot more than me, and the more I’ve gotten to know him over these last 3+ years, the more I’ve come to appreciate his virtues. Taken time though since we came from such different places. He takes time to deeply know me too, which I’m thankful for, especially considering I’m still figuring so much shit out and do need help with putting things in perspective at times. He’s a bit more practical in ways, and I’m more spontaneous. He’s generous, which helps spur my own generosity. He can size people up much quicker and more accurately than I can, as has been proven a number of times now. Says part of that is due to our age difference, but I recognize it’s also because of my own limitations in understanding people.
I’ve come to understand that I do need helpful guidance from someone who grasps what I cannot. And in exchange, I offer companionship and bonded concern and interest. That he continues to find my contributions valuable is humbling. Causes me to ponder life and love all the more deeply and my role and potential impact in his life. Not easy lessons though — trials and tribulations are a fact of life.
Another thing I’ve been figuring out is that logic can be quite deceptive. What may seem logical in one analysis can turn out to be horrifically damaging to love and faith in actuality. But we humans, if nothing else, are terrific rationalizers…
I feel like there is still so much for me to learn that I wish I’d known many years ago. But maturity occurs across a lifespan, and life lessons aren’t always on time. That’s what life’s been teaching me in recent years. We can wish all day that we’d known the full weight then of what we know now or that we could have avoided pitfalls that changed us and set us back, but that’s just not how the cookie crumbles. We learn when we take risks, and one thing we learn is that there’s no returning to some past point, just gotta move on from right here whether we like it or not.
But I’d prefer to not let melancholy thoughts take over this evening…