In a weird mood tonight.
Been fuckin’ up. Recognizing my need to grow up a bit more. Not been in the best of headspaces the last couple of years and having trouble shaking it. Boils down to strong feelings of guilt and remorse, loss and grieving, fear and loathing. I assume many people go through similar phases and handle them however they can. I’m needing to use this time to reflect and confess. I’ve made some foolish choices, to say the least. And life sometimes can stack up to present a perfect storm where so much goes crazy all at once that you can’t say for certain what aided which outcome. Being intentionally vague here, sharing what I care to in a reckoning between myself and the universe.
I’ve behaved badly at times, embarrassingly so. Truth be told. Gotta find the motivation to get out of this slump. It’s not for a lack of ideas and good suggestions, just a mental fog. A world-weariness. I keep mentioning it to where it probably sounds like complaining, but how else does one reckon with reality? Anymore I feel lost. And while I realize it’s my responsibility to rescue myself, the motivating drive has been dwindling. Like I just got totally sidetracked and captivated by life events the last few years. Maybe everybody goes through something like this, perhaps many times over throughout a lifetime. I wouldn’t doubt it. But we learn as we go. Make regrettable errors in judgment — comes with living. Just a question of what we learn from them and then put into action, so they say. Lots to take in though, from personal on up to political.
People like to say “Be Happy!” The state of happiness isn’t what I’m personally striving for. That comes in spurts as a by-product of doing what you feel you need to do. Happiness is fleeting, no point in trying to chase it. Contentment is a more realistic aspiration. But I don’t mind a discontented life if it proves interesting, as it has so far. Not sure dull and hum-drum would suit my nature. But unrealistic fantasies aren’t enticing regardless. It’s nice experiencing a low-key existence, other than this nagging feeling of a lack of purpose. My life calls on me to give it some sort of meaning and direction down a new leg of the journey, and I’m locked up not knowing where to go from here. There’s this pressure inside me to become more honestly productive and quit screwing off so much. A need to focus.
It should probably be stated that inside my mind lives a nagging wife who never shuts up. Tough to please. Spurs me to oscillations of rebellion and defeated acceptance. lol Lucked out there in the conscience lottery, let me tell you.
Given in to being too lazy, truth be told. And willfully oblivious at times. And I just love how our culture brainwashes us with contradictory messages on the need to look out for oneself and selfishness being rewarded alongside this pressure to sacrifice oneself for the supposed “greater good.” Both are presented so incompletely to where they reflect nothing more than shallow bias. The truth is both and neither. Selfishness unhinged can prove dangerous to not only individuals but also a whole community or society, but then again, minority voices, positions, and choices 99.5% of the time do have their rightful place somewhere on this planet. Some shit deserves to be wiped out of existence, like child rape, hence the .5% held out. Voices and choices — that’s what the new frontier can be about, if enough will it in that direction. And it’s in there—in that notion in a nutshell—where what does drive me these days is derived. I want to continue examining what amounts to a radical (i.e., strike at the root) philosophical point of view. That’s part of what I recognize myself as feeling strongly driven to explore.
Gotta kick into gear and get back up. It’s time, likely past time. A whole-life transition is needed. For real.
For stimulation’s sake, I set aside the nonfiction books I had been reading (Warren Farrell, Friedrich Nietzsche, Peter Breggin) and tried something off the beaten path: The Pilgrimage by Paulo Coehlo. Isn’t a favorite by any means, but one line near the end hit home having to do with us losing courage once we do see how to get to where we want to go. I don’t doubt it. Sounds about right. Otherwise wasn’t a huge fan of the book. So then I moved on to Stephen R. Donaldson’s book Reave the Just and Other Tales and am loving every story so far: “Reave the Just,” “The Djinn Who Watches Over the Accursed,” and now “The Killing Stroke.” It’s a page-turner. Very engaging for the imagination. Can’t remember who recommended that one, but kuddos for doing so!
Quality fiction has aided in pulling me out of funks in the past, so I’m starting there this time around. Next up: more exercise. Needs to happen. After that: diet improvement. Which must include cutting down on beer. Woe is me. Needing a boost toward a healthier lifestyle overall. That should improve my mental clarity too. Wish to god someone around here had an outdoor pool they’d let me pay to swim in, because I’m done swimming where a bunch of kids pee. No can do. ha! Seriously though.
Just thinking and laying out objectives tonight.