On love

Haven’t taken the time to be light on here in a moment. Been bogged down thinking about the state of the union here in the U.S.  lol  But how important is it in my daily life? Eh…it’s a thought exercise that runs in the background, but my main priority remains my connections with loved ones and friends. And I don’t talk much about that, unless maybe something happened that I’m griping about, because the good times there feel sacred to me and therefore are generally kept private. But I’ll let some of that shine tonight…because I feel inclined to…

That was The Association with “Never My Love,” a song that makes me think of the man I commonly refer to as my companion (i.e. most recent partner, and now we’re in a different spot and figuring out where to go from here). Cheesy song that he doesn’t care for and refers to as “hippie music.” ha  But still…makes me think of him whenever I hear it.

In my heart, he remains my lover, and we still talk daily and sleep beside one another occasionally. He continues to affirm his affections for me too, which I really do appreciate considering what all we’ve been through. He’s basically a good person, though we’re really different people on some levels to where we can squabble pretty easily. All of which I’ve already said before elsewhere on this blog. What I want to say tonight is that despite our differences I continue to look up to him and admire him. He had a net positive impact on my life, and I wish things could’ve been better, which I acknowledge as largely my own fault. He knows this, we’ve talked plenty. And he doesn’t read my stuff, so this isn’t written for his benefit. Just sayin’. He means a whole lot to me, and I’ll always carry a bit of his spirit in my heart. He taught me a lot, and our relationship has probably taught us both a lot. There is sadness and regret there, but there’s also a lot of happiness and warmth. We’ve been really slow about figuring out how to best handle one another, but I do believe we’re starting to walk in a better direction as companions without all the added stress of a full-time romantic relationship.

Can’t manage to be much mushier than that publicly. It’s a positive vibe sensation that I wouldn’t know how to capture with words anyway. A sense of hope and gratefulness…on par with how I feel about my best guyfriend, my best girlfriend, and my Grandma. Glad to have all of them in my life, plus other friends lady luck fortunately brought into my life (including one who’s really sick these days whom I don’t get to hear much from). They’ve all added lots of interest and proven patient enough to allow genuine connections to grow and get rooted. I’d be lost in this world without these people, though several live in other states so we rarely get to see one another in person these days. Still, we stay in regular contact and work with what we have together.

It is my people’s love that’s taught me the importance of social bonds, as someone who’s moved around a good bit and known many times over what it’s like to be the new girl in town with few, if any, local connections. Where I live now there are a small handful of men who’ve been close to me for several years, including my companion, and he and my best guyfriend are the reason I continue living in this city, hundreds of miles away from everybody else I care about. Our bonds are sacred to me. Though I haven’t always done a good job of showing it — I continue working on improving in this way. But it’s the very fact of their presence in my life that inspires me to want to be better than I have been in the past, to rethink what trajectory I’ve personally been on and how that can impact people unfairly. Those are positive influences. And hopefully I can do right by them moving forward.

Love. It’s a wondrous bonding agent, for lack of a better description. Without it, I just don’t know where I’d be at this point. Where would any of us be? If that’s not sacred, what is?

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