Mid-July early Tuesday morning tunes and thoughts

A song I listen to pretty regularly and never seem to fully tire of, Atlanta Rhythm Section’s “Imaginary Lover”:

… Satisfaction guaranteed!

Such a smooth tune.

A song I recently uploaded, Scott Walker’s “Next”:

Yup, it’s pretty disturbing. Very troubling vibe. But I dig it. Very raw, but the thoughts it conjures up are so totally believable. Inexperienced youth + war trauma + whorehouses, what could possibly go wrong in that equation? But the story takes us beyond just that narrative if one periodically listens to it. It’s about being reduced to a number and experiencing peer and authority pressure and being used. It’s also about innocence and naivety stripped away, rendered so dramatically and forcefully. Art. Gotta give it deserved props — it certainly stimulates emotion. Plus the overall sound is terrific, so passionately hard-hitting. This song keeps drawing me back from time to time to sit with it ever since first coming across it maybe 4-5 years ago. Not familiar with any other music from Scott Walker as of yet.

Totally switching gears, another song I like to listen to fairly regularly is “Reminiscing” by Little River Band (live in 1980):

Damn. Excellent performance. Been loving that song for several years now. Puts me in a soothed mood. Don’t know how to fully explain it. Just puts a smile on my face.

Had a heartfelt discussion with my company earlier this evening and am glad we did. Put things in better perspective. He is a true friend, and I am very lucky to have stumbled across him fatefully one low-key Tuesday night a few years back out at a neighborhood bar. Pure chance. That evening I’d just underwent a friendship-ending fight with a local galpal/drinking buddy and I went home, freshened up and applied more makeup, and headed out to my local watering hole for a drink to cool off. That man happened to be sitting in the space I usually head for by the back Megatouch gaming console. So I sat a few seats away. He smiled, I smiled. A few minutes later I piped up saying he was sitting in my place, playfully striking up conversation. I have no problem approaching men in bars and never really had. Wound up sitting beside him and we chatted it up while he ordered shots and drinks. Don’t remember what all I said, god knows, but I do recall our bartender pal’s expression when I blatantly suggested to this man we head back to his place. Don’t regret a moment of that evening. Never did and never will. Had a wonderful time. Though he initially was under the impression I was a lesbian complaining about my girlfriend. lol  Nothing a few shots didn’t cure for the evening. Was a fun time. He was so very sweet and accommodating.

We had a lot of fun for several months. Then my Papa died, and I think that kinda fucked me up. It deeply did. Took a few months for it to really hit though. Already talked about that on here somewhere, so let it lie. But what’s important here is that I wound up making some reckless decisions during a time when I felt emotionally needy. Sex has always been my favorite “drug.” Hooked up with someone I already knew and was cool with, just a pal, no deep loving connection or anything, just seeking a release for pent up emotions during a rough time of transition for both myself and my partner (he had just transferred to new a company to work for and had less energy than usual). I was being selfish, reverted to my normal ways as someone who hadn’t been tied down to monogamy for nearly a decade. Just didn’t handle the situation right, admittedly. Much of that’s on me, but part of it’s a result of people with mix-matched libidos uniting in a relationship. He at a later date did admit that it dawned on him early on in our relationship that he wasn’t sure if he could keep up with me, and it took me a while to realize just how different we actually are in that respect, once the pace began taking a toll on him. He works so hard that that zaps a lot of his energy. The man’s life basically revolves around working long hours at a physically-demanding job, seeing his teenage kid on nights he’s available, and resting to heal his body so he can keep it all up day after day, year after year, decade after decade.

And that’s just it. The man earned my respect. We butted heads for quite a while there and still do, but I appreciate so much that he’s brought into my life. Tonight he basically said the same thing to me. We just can’t prove compatible, especially not after I broke the one rule set in stone. But miraculously we still love one another and persevere as companions. It’s all so funky to try to describe, but I share this because I’m talking to the universe, dropping my confessions. Just a mere mortal figuring things out along the way. Never hurt someone like that before, and dear God I pray to never do so again. Feeling convicted to make sure of that by not agreeing to exclusive relationships with men I don’t already know well enough in advance, providing them a chance to also grow familiar enough with me. Seems like the best strategy. No more jumping into deep intimate waters with relative unknowns — no can do. My friends are good people, and I realize a solid friendship is the stepping stone to a quality union. Got lucky this time around that my companion and I bonded so much that we’re choosing to remain committed friends, but I don’t want to put another man through all of that, nor does he want me to either. It’s understood.

I have eclectic tastes and am said to be an acquired taste myself. So goes it for any eccentric in the crowd. Always like to tell people that I deal in a niche market, because that is the fact of the matter. Been blessed too. Met some genuinely good people with their hearts in the right place. That’s meaningful to me. They teach me a lot.

Most of my friends happen to be male, and this has increasingly become the case since embarking on my 20s. Just easier for me to relate to men than to women oftentimes, not that I intend to be closed off to women. Actually ran into an old galpal/former classmate a couple nights ago at the watering hole. She said she felt it was an omen us running into one another and that we should hang out again, though she was drunk. ha  We’ll see. Nice gal and all, just has a nutso family member I seriously struggle to tolerate. Long, stupid story.

But anyway, the good people I’ve been fortunate to attract and maintain relations with bring happiness and quality to living. And they, through providing living examples, cause me to want to become better. Guess that means they’re inspiring. Love is a wonderful thing. Very transformative. Makes all the difference in the world. Couldn’t imagine life without my people and wouldn’t want to. The good memories are what make it all worth it. Pain happens and cannot entirely be avoided, but it provides valuable lessons as well.

About to open a new chapter in my life, or at least working up the will to do so. I want to. Want to make my people proud and make myself more contented. Wish to get in a healthier space so I can be more supportive to my friends and also do right by my own values. This is what I’m willing tonight.

My goal is not to try to be as others may be nor how others may claim to prefer, but rather I need to be me and to find some sort of peace with who this is while working to improve according to the standards I value. My companion sees it for what it is and is helping me to see it now too. Many men would seize the opportunity to shame me for the bad choices I’ve made and the pain that I caused, but this man is bigger than that. He sees how different we all are as people and how our life learning sets us on our unique paths, so he doesn’t belittle me or call me out as a “just a whore” who can’t be “properly” civilized. He doesn’t see me that way, and I’m very grateful and humbled by that fact. Apparently he sees a woman (he refers to me as still young) who can’t be made to fit this mold as commonly expected and that that is somehow okay. It simply is what it is, and he doesn’t have anger over the incompatibility. He tried and he’s witnessed how I’ve tried, and it’s just a matter of oddly shaped pegs not fitting through holes, so to speak. He doesn’t disdain my wildness at heart and rather seems to appreciate it as an expression of my free nature. This outcome is quite humbling. Unlike so many others, he is not a controller — he is a freedom-loving man himself with an understanding spirit. He does not attempt to cage people according to expectations but instead takes them as they are and decides from there whether they are worth dealing with. He speaks of us both moving on and eventually meeting people better suited to us romantically as we remain friends over the long haul. I cherish his way of being, his patience and his kindness. He is a good man, not a harsh tyrant nor a self-righteous judge. And for this proven fact, I will protect him any way I can forever more. He is one of the truly good-hearted.

Met a number of good people over time. Thank God. I would be utterly lost without their influences and nurturing contact.

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