Monday evening thoughts in June (started as an email reply, then was drug back to the blog cave instead)

Hi [internet peep],

Okay, I watched as much of the video you sent as I could yesterday (probably 2/3 or 3/4 of it), and then just a few minutes ago watched most of a video by someone named Sean who was explaining that whole “poisoned M&M” analogy you mentioned in another comment (never heard of it before today).

And, as you know, I continue watching MRA/MGTOW/manospherian videos, because apparently I’m a masochist. lol  Some make good points, but so frickin’ many of those guys can be rude as hell.

Tonight my brain just fizzled out…

I have dueling feelings on all this shit, so if you don’t mind, I’d like to share some thoughts.

Are some of the M&Ms poisoned? Yes. How many? Who knows? A mere 10%? No, because way more people than that act opportunistically (and the same goes vice versa for women). Are ALL women victims of some sort of abuse from males? Who knows? And who even gets to judge it when it’s all so subjective in nature? Some of us grow more calloused over time after dealing with oh-so-much bullshit out of people, so I know there’s plenty of assholery in our society. Won’t even pretend I don’t partake in it too — I do. Can be a major asshole, in fact.

Are quite an appreciable number of men behaving like jerks at least in certain circumstances? Yes. Women too? Yeah. We all have a problem here, it just tends to manifest differently across the sexes. But I do think we, as individuals on up to societal level, are prone toward objectifying people. Appears to come with the times. Looks to me like it’s been on the upswing the last century especially (but plenty of past empires experienced their own versions), because technology has so dramatically changed life as humans know it.

There are wayyy more of us alive today living in really complex environments. So much to keep up with, so many reasons to get frustrated. And our differences already rub us the wrong way, it being a struggle just learning to tolerate them, but then we have to deal with all possible categories of people feeling pitted against one another. Propaganda plays a part in stoking our competitive drives, which are already ramped up since that’s a requirement to satisfy the overarching economic imperative (as I refer to it).

It’s just so fucking complicated that I have to laugh. Because then we get into all the ways people are being psychologically stressed, and yet we’re restricted by laws and social customs to not express it fully and honestly. We’re expected to exude confidence and an appreciation for independence while demonstrating we buy into The Game. Start sounding angry and a person gets chastised for being “pessimistic” and “negative” unless they can find a way to deliver it humorously. Because we know the numero uno priority these days is to be entertaining. straight_face

A person gets angry and serious-sounding and people start getting uncomfortable, start thinking you’re creepy or not “mentally stable” as we so love to judge one another on (because lord knows most of us are the pinnacle of sanity).

We live in a society with so many illusions that everything can look topsy-turvy, bass ackward. Insane is the new sane. And we’re being atomized as our communities have all dissolved and it’s pretty much each family or each individual for him/herself. That’s such an alienating way to have to approach life, and we’re so unprepared by our evolution to live this way. Then you add in the internet…

Where we’re all a bunch of strangers.

Divided according to demographics by whoever says so.

For example, a woman isn’t a mere individual anymore — she’s somehow representative of womankind, an example and one part of a larger whole that is generalized as a monolith caricatured in people’s minds. Even when they don’t mean to, it just happens. Because we must generalize in a setting with this damn many people present.

Creates even more divisiveness when it involves politics and disagreement over laws. Blah blah blah…. all obvious shit.

But attitude problems permeate us, however much, depending on what we’re exposed to and how frequently. All inputs have an impact. How much? Who can say? Divvies up differently across each individual.

Porn, movies, tv shows, magazines, news stories, public political discourse, advertising, music lyrics, facebook drama and the influence of the internet in all conceivable ways, fad fashion, personal sexual experiences, school teachings, financial pressures, families we were born into, friends and enemies we make, strangers we encounter…. Then layer one’s personal perception over that. It just goes on and on…

lol Not sure how much sense I’m making, but I’m trying to figure where all this is supposed to wind a person up. Are we taking shit out on one another? Yes. Are people acting crazy and rude and intimidating and super selfish at times toward others? Yes. A person might be reasonably good 95% of the time, but every once in a while make a doozy of a bad decision that negatively impacts someone else. Oftentimes that individual still considers him/herself a relatively good person though. I don’t always agree, and I’ve known more supposedly “extreme” examples than I wish I did, mostly for the stories they shared or the crimes they wound up convicted for during the time I knew them, but also due to personal experiences with some of them.

One guy, who continues emailing me despite repeatedly telling him not to, comes to mind immediately. Met him in 2003 and became pals of sorts. He’s overweight, but he had female friends and was considered funny, owned (or at least was paying a mortgage on) a house, drove a nice new truck, possessed computer skills and got along with his co-workers up until he bought into a franchise and went into business for himself. He and I had a sexual relationship from the start, though that waned over time (he preferred to spend money on acquiring more hi-tech doodads and we had started out with a paid-for-sex arrangement that we stuck with most of the time). But we grew to be pretty close friends over the years we knew each other.

The day Hurricane Katrina hit I called him and come to find out that was the day he went in for sentencing and was put in jail for 2-3 months (which I had to later learn from the newspaper and then some girl he was letting stay at his place). Never even hinted he’d been arrested in a sting operation by police months earlier. Had no clue he’d propositioned someone claiming to be 14 online and then drove to the location to meet her and was arrested by police in a setup. Managed to keep that secret completely from me. Tried remaining friends afterward for a while, but his excuses made me sick, to be honest. Could’ve called me, could’ve called anyone over the legal age, but a 14-year-old when he was in his 30s? WTF? Way to get yourself placed on the sex offender registry list for life!

I knew another guy for a few years who finally admitted to me one night while in bed that back when he had been a cop in another state, he kept having major anger issues and doing things to people he’d arrested until one night he severely abused a black woman he picked up on a drug charge. Slammed her head with the car door, he said. Blackened her eye and all that. His superior basically helped smooth it over, but that incident was the straw that broke the camel’s back for my guyfriend, and he quit, saying he didn’t want to stay ’til he wound up killing somebody. Moved and became a prison guard before getting into computers. The guy was basically a male gigolo and had older women flying him out to meet them and buying him clothes and furniture, at least for a few years there. Was a smooth talker and a good lover. But it’s pretty unnerving to find out that’s who you’ve known sexually and befriended (casually) for 4 years. I had to walk off after that. Fucked with my whole conception of him. He was a smart ass and could be fairly verbally aggressive at times too, so…nah.

Met both of them originally on yahoo personals.

One more story, and I’ll quit. Met a cop in my hometown when I was 15 and working at a movie theater concession stand (he worked the projectors in his off-time, also drove an ambulance as needed — small town). He was in his 40s, kept grabbing my ass and winking at me. I knew his son, a couple years older than me. A year or so later I had a boyfriend who ran into some stupid problems with the Law that I might’ve been considered accessory to, so I went to this cop and turned us in, told him where to find the fugitive (escaped from work detail, juvenile turned 18 while on run, friend of my boyfriend-at-the-time), and pleaded with him to not legally do anything to us for our involvement in driving the son of a gun around (for weeks, was really a dumb situation). He said he’d take care of it, they went and arrested the guy, I got harassed by others over the matter, and shortly thereafter I moved back to the Midwest after his girlfriend threatened to burn down my grandparent’s trailer.

Came back a year later when I’ve turned 17 and the cop starts approaching me, driving up when I’m out with my friends, stopping by my driveway and asking me to get in his jeep “to talk.” Even kissed me in the presence of my gay guyfriend once. Then one night he took me on a ride, which led back to his house. Explained to me that I owed him, he’d helped me. Was a bad situation that I shouldn’t have relented to, and I cried throughout sex to where he finally stopped and complained that I made him lose his erection.

Before I turned 18 I moved away from that town for the last time. Later on while back visiting my grandparents, he pulled me over and reached in and “honked” my breast, that being when I was 21 or 22. Just the way the guy is. Shameless.

Eventually told his son what all happened. That was also the night his son showed me his mother’s suicide note. She had shot herself years prior over her husband seeing a mistress, whom he later married (and was involved with the whole time he was harassing me, as well as others). Poisoned M&M? You betcha. But what could you really do? He even called my grandparents’ phone before that night when I was 17, leaving a message that worried my Grandma. But what could I tell her? Was she gonna somehow protect me from a crooked cop? She had no power. And when I told her shit in the past, she discouraged me from letting Papa know since she worried what he would do, so…I basically felt on my own to handle it. Wasn’t about to trust the other cops in that town. Had sex with him in hope that that would appease him enough to leave me alone. When he started back up years down the road, I decided to pull out my “big gun” and fucked with his (already damaged) family relations. And it worked. After that, he barely wanted to look at me. Saw him at a carnival a few years on from that and he sat there, stone-cold, averting his eyes. Good. Fuck him.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

So, how many poison M&Ms does it take to make a person jaded and gun-shy? Because I have more stories if anyone wants to hear them. Met my fair share of assholes and oddities in my day, I do believe. Could talk on this subject for several days. Are there nice guys out there who truly wouldn’t try to abuse people in these sort of ways? Yes. I know a few and try to stay close particularly to two of them, though I imagine many more exist. Met others in the past who just proved incompatible with me for garden-variety reasons — such is life. Are there more quality people out there with good moral character and principles they’re careful not to violate than not? Hmm…I wonder about this too. Seems to me it’s more 50/50, but I could be biased. Even when someone isn’t sexually mistreating another person, that doesn’t mean they aren’t assholes toward the people who work for them or toward a family member or whoever else. As stated already, I’ve been a major asshole at times too, so I’m not in the “high quality people” camp myself either most likely. Learned from the best, but still not sank as low as some, for whatever that’s worth.

For many years I’ve wondered what sort of terror I’d unleash if I had a penis and a strong physique capable of overwhelming people.  Just as a thought exercise. Would I or could I feel pushed to a point to assert that sense of dominance, or would I even look at life like that? Does possessing the capability equate with possessing the desire to act out in such ways?

My guess is no for most folks. And I could turn this same consideration around to women and the laws on the books that may allow us to take advantage of men unfairly, but that doesn’t mean we must or that many even desire to do so. How many choose not to? Who knows? Is it a small minority? Not in my experience, limited as it may be. I have one girlfriend who doesn’t even want the piddling amount of back-child support her ex is required by law to pay her (now that he’s out of prison for all his drug and violence-related crimes). Doesn’t want it. She went to court when her child was young did what she had to do to get the father’s parental rights revoked, which he didn’t contest, and the child has since been legally adopted by the man she married later on. But the State says she must receive it, so she’s considering turning it over to charity. And before anyone gets their Underroos in a bundle, the checks have been for about $28 each. That’s right — some trifling amount by anybody’s estimate. For that amount, one must assume he’s unemployed and staying with relatives currently, but he’s never been one to work. Either way, it doesn’t matter, because she doesn’t want it. Wants nothing to do with the man at all. He’s an abusive, hard drug-using criminal from a family full of criminals. Why she ever got tangled up with him to begin with is anyone’s guess. Blame teenage naivety.

Which most of us do eventually grow out of. She did. I did. Lots do.

Know another woman who had three kids and worked long hours at McDonald’s while the father battled with drug addictions, yet she always permitted him to see the kids and never put his name on the birth certificates so as to collect child support from him. They weren’t exactly friends, but she knew he was a good father despite his problems and continues to encourage access to his kids when he’s sober.

But then again, I don’t know a whole lot of women, let alone those with kids they’re currently raising. My sampling size of women examined up-close and personal is considerably smaller than my sampling of men. I try to speak from what I personally know and have observed. Hence why I do focus so much attention on males in general.

What am I getting at here? Who knows? Story-sharing, pondering aloud, wondering why people try framing everything as extremes when plenty of evidence to the contrary does exist if we open our eyes to it. This is me saying this, someone who’s been through some shit with various men. Do I think all men are potential rapists or threats because some are? No. But do I hesitate with all men until I know them better? Kinda have to. I can be pretty fucking trusting up to a point, then I get to scrutinizing and looking for signs of deep humanity (or a lack thereof). Not interested in what a man says so much as how he lives (zoning in on the little things), how much empathy he displays spontaneously, what vibes I get off him. Do I assume most men I encounter will be helpful rather than hurtful? Depends on the setting, I guess, and the predicament. Opportunism is a real force, especially these days when anonymity plays a big role and there are so many of us to try to keep up with and pick up signs from. Can say I haven’t had a sexual problem with a man since 2008, but I did have to modify my own behavior to an extent to better protect myself. Had to be a lot more careful in the bar-scene since that’s where opportunism tends to flourish. Luckily grew up enough to where I was no longer a youth being sought after — that’s worth mentioning since I had no real impact over that. My intuition developed over time to where I can usually pick up on serious vibes to avoid the most worrisome characters I come into contact with, and I’m a lot less shy about showing my crazy side to back men down who overstep certain boundaries. That’s part of what’s honed my own ability to be such an asshole, though I do try to contain it where it’s not warranted. Not always successfully, and that’s something I work on.

Once a person gets a jaded view of sex relations it can be very difficult to overcome. I’m still working through some of it but have come a decent way in recent years, thanks in large part to being exposed to productive, good-hearted males I’ve been lucky enough to befriend. But do bad past experiences stick with you? Yes, yes they do. Might not be true of everyone, but I think it’s fair to say it’s true for many of us, male or female. Women just happen to be in the rather unique position of being less physically strong than many men they come into contact with, creating an imbalance of power if the stronger wishes to subdue the physically weaker behind closed doors. But that’s just one way power differentials can shake out — there are others that generally work against men and in favor of women.

Let me state this, as it’s been bothering me a lot lately: As a grown man, you’re very unlikely to be physically overwhelmed and forcefully made to have sex by a woman. Just much less likely, despite what MRAs/MGTOWs/manospherians might like to say on the matter. A little boy can be overwhelmed by a grown woman, that is true, and that can happen, just as a little girl can be overcome by a grown or older or stronger female also. BUT, once a man grows up, he’s far less likely to be preyed on by females in a direct and physically-forced sort of way. She might try to manipulate the man, but that’s par for the course in what women deal with when it comes to plenty of men. Coercion is the name of the game when it comes to sex for some people at least in certain situations. Don’t have to like it — just stating observations. Women and men can both be very coercive and manipulate in pursuit of sex with someone they desire. Not all the time, but at least some of the time. To what degree? Who knows? We can’t collect statistics on all of these personal, private ordeals. Relying on self-reported data is risky at a time when we live in a victim-celebrating culture, whereas men (at least historically) have proven likely to under-report events that researchers might consider of importance. But then again, researchers rarely enter into an inquiry of this nature without biases and expectations, so that must be taken into account as well. Methodology always deserves to be scrutinized.

Either way, what men and women experience as adults are very often disparate realities. What we tend to experience as children is too. From statistics I’ve looked at in the past (and was just mentioning to my companion this evening), grown males who sexually abuse little boys tend to have way more victims than do those who sexually abuse little girls. In the latter case, the girls are more often groomed and sexually abused over several years; whereas when it comes to males who abuse little boys, they have a disproportionately larger number of victims relative to those who sexually abuse girls. Not just a small difference either, but a major gulf (I believe this stat in question claimed adult male sex offenders of little boys averaged well-over 100 victims each). How do grown women factor into this? We’re not sure. Don’t know if we have any semi-accurate stats on that yet. Either way, evidence points to there being more males interested in sexually abusing children than females, though that’s not intended to discount female involvement. Some of the worst stories involve mothers who looked the other way and allowed their kids to be mistreated sexually or who participated in the abuse. But when it comes to women who act alone, who knows how many of those are floating around? I don’t. Would be interesting to get a grasp on it if possible. We do, however, know more about the male role in perpetuating sexual violence against the very young, particularly when acting alone.

But when it comes to adults, how is a woman supposed to overpower a man so as to physically and sexually dominate him against his will? Through the use of drugs and alcohol? How often is the penis even capable of getting hard in those scenarios? I’ve witnessed more “whiskey dick” than I care to elaborate on, so I’m genuinely curious how this is supposed to work. And when, pray tell, has a woman jumped out on the jogging trail or shown up in a parking lot at night and subdued a stranger man at knife-point or gun-point and raped him? I don’t recall a single story of that occurring.

Different anatomies, different vulnerabilities. And different sexual drives. Even men who seem gentle at first can turn out to be horrible opportunists, IME and from what I’ve read and heard about. Sometimes those types can even prove scarier than the more openly aggressive ones. I personally consider myself lucky on plenty of levels to have been able to avoid worse experiences and to be able to flee in cases where my gut told me something was seriously wrong. Been held down and fucked several times though, without a condom and against my will in the way they went about it. It does happen. Some people are jerks. Not all jerks are created equal, but nevertheless, it does happen.

Some females I’ve known had very few bad experiences. Others I’ve met related seriously awful experiences that made me cringe to hear about. Knew a woman once upon a time who had her stomach sliced with a box-cutter by an ex-boyfriend, and years later she raised up the money to get a tummy tuck because she was so embarrassed of the scar. Somehow she miraculously moved on to have a reasonably normal life with a husband and kids. Known other women who make a mountain out of an anthill. Known women who make stupid and reckless decisions that led to them being taken advantage of sexually that any onlooker would’ve warned them about, but one that comes to mind immediately just wouldn’t listen and kept blacking out drunk with strange men in private locations. Knew another girl who hopped from bed to bed with stranger men after nights out drinking and didn’t seemed fazed by her experiences, and I can relate on plenty of occasions.

Out of all the men I personally know, the four who have confided in me that they had been sexually mistreated all said the assailant was another male. Are all the men who have been sexually mistreated by women simply not sharing their stories? I don’t know. Maybe. But I do know what it’s like to listen to men/boys I cared about telling of what awful sexual experiences they underwent at the hands of their dad, or older brother, or close older friend. They cried and expressed humiliation. One, years later, was accused and brought up on charges for molesting his own 3-year-old daughter. Wouldn’t be surprised if that did occur in that case — he was mentally fucked over and his entire family was insane. Made a recording about these guys once upon a time but don’t know where it got off to. Deep trauma in all of those cases though. One even had to undergo a surgery when he was young due to rectal damage and continued to wet the bed up until the time I met him as a teenager.

No joke. All seriousness. Met a lot of people who’ve been through all sorts of things. They’ve shared a lot with me probably because I do ask questions and care to know. So I carry their stories around with me too.

So much around us to hurt the soul.

I need to go to bed.

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