Why do I share so many personal details on here? Because I can, and because I don’t figure it matters in the big scheme of things. People who know me don’t usually read my writings or follow me online, but even if they did…oh well. It is what it is.
I do feel angry at a lot of people, and I’m trying to find a way to let this go. But underneath the anger is sadness, which is claimed as usually the case. I am sad and bewildered and confused by many people encountered along the way. I do not understand them or their motives or their justifications in many cases, nor do they seem capable of understanding me. Because there are more of them than there are of me, the word is that it is I who should change so as to mold myself to better fit their expectation. (As if they can really agree on anything.) I did try that, at least for a while, but failed. Apparently not all of us were created to be easy to get along with.
Right now I do feel pretty damn hostile toward plenty of people I’ve known. Moved far away and it’s just never far enough. Tried distancing myself emotionally, but then they like to come back around just as soon as I feel ready to let go and move on. I am torn inside, and perhaps this is partly due to religious values instilled in me earlier on that dictate that we should be forgiving and turn the other cheek. Been thinking about that turning of the cheek story and read a while back about how it doesn’t mean what most people think it means but rather is about the slapper defiling him/herself if he/she uses their other hand to hit someone. I’ll have to look that story up, but it seemed to suggest that custom back then deemed one hand acceptable and one as unacceptable, one clean and one dirty, so to use the wrong one was a shameful testament to one’s own baseness. Not sure if the story I read was accurate, but how can we ever know when it comes to texts written 2,000 years ago?
So basically, rather than that being a story about letting someone beat the shit out of you while you stand there and take it, it’s about turning the other cheek so as to let the aggressors behave in such a way that shows them, to themselves and other witnesses, for what they really are. Like holding a mirror up to them in which they can see their own darkness and depravity. Sounds nice in theory, but how many folks could see themselves in truth even if it was made plain as day? Oh, the blinders we wear. Rationalization is one of the easiest tricks for humans to pull off.
I know I’m not innocent or even necessarily all that good. But I have heart and do care. Just grateful I didn’t turn out to be as bad as I otherwise very easily could have. Love saved me, that much I do know, and I’m trying to learn how to better love myself and others. It’s very frustrating since I really did want to love all the people in my family, yet that turned out to not be a good idea. I don’t like this situation, past or present, and I wish we could’ve made different choices a long time ago. But pain pays forward — they were angry and so they spewed it. Now I am angry, and I am spitting it back. But where does it end?
I read or watched something a while back where someone was saying that it’s okay to be angry and resentful so long as you direct it toward who or what you’re actually angry at rather than letting it spill all over onto outsiders and innocent bystanders. That sounds fair enough. Better than the common mantra about how we’re supposed to purge all resentment and aggression from our souls, which just isn’t realistic. People get uncomfortable around angry, bitter people and then like to talk them down further still, improving the situation not one iota for anyone involved. Maybe it would be more helpful to tell them to take their anger out on those who deserve it and not just carry it around to share with all. It’d also probably be helpful if we weren’t so timid around expressions of pain and frustration, because those are human experiences that reflect people’s realities. To simply shun that only encourages more bottling and suppression, which then winds up spilling out at some future date unintended.
But then again, if expressing it let it fade away, mine would be gone by now. But here it stays, threatening to never leave me. That is a very tiring dilemma. Perhaps all one can really hope for is to redirect the residual anger toward something more constructive so as to discourage it from manifesting in destructive and self-destructive ways.
Anger itself isn’t the problem. It’s a reaction. How do you heal your spirit so as to not be burdened by so much pain and sad memories? Some say you dismiss those thoughts and feelings and invite better ones in instead, but how far can mind over matter take most of us? Sometimes it sounds like people are advocating for others to embrace an illusion intended to make them feel better, but illusions eventually shatter. Is there anything more to this existence other than a series of illusions? Is there not real and solid ground on which one can stand and grow from? Or is it just about trading one set of beliefs for another?
No human is an island — we affect one another whether we mean to or not. For better or worse. And it’s always been this way and always will be. We will always be vulnerable and capable of being hurt, because that’s how life goes. And that’s okay, or at least it is what it is. What would a healthy response look like within a profoundly sick society? Some of the sweetest, nicest, most helpful people I know are highly stressed and plenty are pretty fucking lonely. That’s a sad state of affairs right there. Makes me think we live in some sort of bizarro world where everything is topsy-turvy, where the meanest dominate and the sweetest die too young.
Life leaves me with so many questions and so few answers.