Back online after a day of soul-searching. Also patched up things with my companion once again, so that always helps since I get so blue when we feud. We have a lot of drama largely because I broke his heart a couple years back, which consequently broke my own heart and set me in a bit of a tailspin ever since. And it’s precisely that matter that’s bringing me a revelation today.
Actually had the revelation previously, but then it got clouded and lost. It pertains to my own journey in growing up and recognizing in myself the bad example some of my choices have proven to be. Been thinking a lot about how to turn such a negative situation into something that at least offers some sort of benefit in some small way, and I realize my introspection and tolerance for staring into the abyss probably puts me in a somewhat unique position to share what I’ve comprehended so far about my own downfall. Why is that relevant? Well, I remember when I was younger wishing for better role models or at least people who would be real and help us young people out instead of just trying to exploit and/or dominate us. Guess I feel like these experiences weren’t all for nothing if they can perhaps help someone else to grasp why they were problematic, what they led to, how they could’ve been much worse, what positive insight was gained as well, plus what laid the foundation for this sort of life, with hopes that it’ll also teach me to be stronger by publicly confronting some of my own choices and behaviors and provide a clearer understanding of where I personally need to go from here.
It’s a healing project, in a sense. And it asks of me to drink less, and less often, so as to reckon with it properly, which I’m ready to give in to. (Cutting down on drinking has been on my mind for months now, and I have cut down for spells but not gained the self-control that I really need. Not a raging alky, but then again, can’t build up a major tolerance the way some can. Blame too much tee-totaling in my family tree. Not aiming to become a tee-totaler though either, mind you.) Also calls on me to examine what I have done, my own actions, not only what has been done to me by others, so as to better understand this thing. I think about these things all the time and tend to oscillate between feelings of intense guilt and seething over others who impacted me negatively. They go hand-in-hand — the times I feel most upset at myself I’m prone toward lashing out the most at others. That’s an honest observation. I’m sure I’m not alone in doing so.
This also asks of me to discuss parts of my adult lifestyle, particularly my sexuality and my experiences working as an escort and the lessons all of this has been teaching me ever since. Already laid out what I chose to about my family and upbringing, and as already stated, decided to delete some of that since it came from the wrong spirit and was a rambly mess. Didn’t illuminate anything and didn’t explain much. Besides, there are people I’m still angry at but who I do still love despite that, and I don’t wish to just run them through the mud because they made poor choices once upon a time. In fact, that’s a big part of this right there.
I am 32 years old. When my mother first sent me away to live with relatives, she was about the age I am now and I was 12. For some reason this feels significant to me, maybe because now being the age she was then, it doesn’t feel nearly as mature of an age as I expected her to have been back then. Basically the same thing goes for my stepdad too. Gives a person a bit of perspective to wind up at similar crossroads as those they judge and were impacted by, in just observing what this vantage point has to offer (though I opted to not have children). The thought goes through my mind fairly regularly what she and I do and don’t share in common. Very different people constituted in totally different ways, but still. Either way, she’s gone and been gone a long time, and I have to step in to fill the void of where she was supposed to be (aside from Grandma’s help, that having been tremendous). That aching has followed me all of my life and never really let up, always operating in the background, giving me this sense of being unlovable, and I’ve reacted by behaving in unlovable ways with others. This has to stop. Because it can and has hurt people I care about. It’s led to self-destruction, even when I didn’t realize it consciously.
As for my sexual choices and experiences, that’s gonna take time to unfold and examine. But what I do know is that it’s neither black or white, fully right or wrong — it is a gray area and must be respected as such. There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to our sexual explorations and where they wind us up. There are experiences I do regret, though most I do not. However, overall, I understand that context plays an important role here as well, as does the judgment of outsiders who do continue to treat female sexuality as wholly separate from male sexuality. That’s an important topic that I don’t want to squirm away from, because I learned a lot of lessons there the hard way and felt a lot of resentment as a result.
That’s all I basically care to say right now. Gonna keep thinking this through. I do believe Eric Orwoll’s video on “otherness” might prove a good jumping off spot when I feel up to it and have time to devote to the topic.