Feeling unmotivated

Was supposed to be doing something with this blog, but decided fuck it. Why? Who gives a shit anyway? We all know the world out there is nuts, and that our societies are nuts, as are our governments and big businesses and our major institutions. We ourselves are screwed up too. No getting around that. And the more I think about what pisses me off about greater society, the more powerless I feel to change it through the legal political channels, creating a situation where I’ve grown so frustrated that I’m getting numb inside. The shit affects me — can’t not affect me no matter what I try to do. But the more I look at it, the more it seems I must focus my energy on changing me, my perception, my approach, because what else do I really have control over? Can talk to others, but that doesn’t mean you’ll shift their views on any given matter. Can wear yourself out protesting and voting, but you mostly then just clash with cops and other citizens, not really making a dent in what those in power are doing.

I’ve been taking all of this into consideration more and more, especially over the last couple of years. Truth be told, I’ve burnt out on keeping up with the news and proposed legislation. Can’t do much at all about it through the so-called proper channels.

What I do know is I’ve come out as a pretty fucking unhappy person who’s tired and not sure where to go from here. Apparently existential panic hits us in our 30s these days. Can’t stand the game or how it’s rigged or why it’s even in place. Not my cup of tea. But people are gonna do what people are gonna do. They consider this “progress.”

So rather than continue railing against people, I’m just gonna have to turn inward for at least a while and navel-gaze. Feels necessary. Opposing grows old. They’ve had me positioned on the defense as far back as I cared or knew anything about politics.  So what now? What are we fighting here? Who are we fighting, in actuality? Seems mostly we’re tangling with one another, which means we’re feuding with others who don’t possess much more power than we individually do, and what’s the point in that? Whether they favor or oppose something, do you really think it matters much at this stage in the game? Most folks are going to go along with these schemes eventually. Might take a bit more coercion, but most I do believe will fall in line or at least tolerate the bridle affixed to them. Because people are survivors — they want to live and remain free to do so outside of imprisonment (or at least the most confining form available). It’s a reasonable concern that I share. But it really makes a person pause to question what meaning there can be in a life coercively directed in this sort of manner? That’s my question at present.

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3 Responses to Feeling unmotivated

  1. Zach Brown says:

    I just finished a half-hour of prayer and meditation (recitation of the Tablet of Ahmad, and then the remainder with breath awareness meditation (sounds sophisticated, but it means I sat on a couch, closed my eyes, rested my arms on a pillow on my lap, and simply let my attention dwell on my breath, and I was a little restless this time around). I then utilized a journaling method from the book Feeling Good, wrote two pages, and it was basically an inculcation of the ‘profound rational philosophy’ of ‘unconditional self-acceptance’ as discussed by Albert Ellis in one of the last chapters of A Guide to Rational Living. It really did feel that some negative emotional residue just floated off me in the aftermath, as I was dwelling briefly on some very negative experiences from elementary school. And they are experiences I don’t actively keep in conscious thought -- it was just a brief recollection with the acknowledgment of how childhood experiences can easily alter adult experiences. I’ve been in an IT training program for the last four months, and I have another 20 weeks with my current plan of action. This morning and early afternoon I had a useful breakthrough studying for one of the exams, although this evening I was letting myself feel a little pissy, so I took a walk, bought a few groceries, and then decided to conclude the day in this manner. Best wishes to you, and have a good week! You are not enslaved to your navel. Your navel is enslaved to you.

    • Byenia says:

      Ha! Yes, my navel is enslaved to me.

      Not big on meditation personally. If others can do it, more power to them. Maybe someday I’ll come around to the notion…

      I cope. Some days better than others. Just not up to posting about proposed legislation or news events the way I once was. Same shit on a different day so far as I’m concerned. Doesn’t mean I don’t care, just gotta take into consideration what I actually have control over and come to some sort of understanding over how to handle the outside world. Because as it stands now, I can’t completely tune it out, yet I can’t accept it as is. Conundrum.

  2. Zach Brown says:

    ‘The Enslaved Navels’ sounds like a good name for a band.

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