So many sad and awkward days. That’s what happens when hearts break, even when you did the breaking. Some things, once broken, might never be repaired.
Friendships, relationships, sacred bonds…
Very tough lessons to learn. To find out just how much power you really do possess, only in the worst ways.
But shit like this is how come I know about power, observing it in myself and others. We at least, obviously, possess the potential to inflict great pain and misery on ourselves and others, whether intentional or not. We know that much for certain. Then it becomes a question of how to better utilize what power we do have to improve the situation so much as any one of us is able. One thing I know is that most of the suffering we experience is generated by human beings — could the inverse be true as well? In short, we’ve demonstrated we can create hell, but are we capable of striving toward something better instead? Is that within our power? And if so, I have the strong feeling no top-down approach could bring it about or maintain it. It’s a matter of us as individuals and how we rule our lives in total.
Tough fucking situation we’re in. Hard to act better when we’re coming up around all of this. To think we aren’t heavily impacted by all the input directed at us is insane. The impact of so much information, big and small, seemingly important or trivial, cumulatively conditions us to accept insanity. By that I mean insane realities — not compatible with psychological health and overall well-being. That’s what I’ve come to believe.
So much bullshit pelts down on the individual, beginning with input from parents and family members, then peers, classmates and authority figures, then you hit adulthood and the weight of society as a whole presses in on you with its conflicting demands and expectations. The individual’s life can go oh-so-many directions, influenced in countless ways by all kinds of information and ideas. Can’t wrap our minds around our own lives anymore, let alone anyone else’s. Everything’s gotten too big and too chaotic, and the remedies being offered up promise to keep it big and grow it even bigger while stifling the chaos through prescribed policy measures. Sounds as Orwellian as it can get, IMO. Bigger and bigger means less and less power any one of us possesses relative to the whole scheme, and that winds up enforcing mass herd mentality. Dangerous deal there.
But down here on the interpersonal level, what are we doing to one another? Are we not being exploitative and disloyal and insensitive toward one another more often than we know is right? Especially to those closest to us. They always seem to catch the greatest hell behind closed doors. Because that’s how it’s all functioning for us now. We’re corrupt, or at least I’ve been figuring out the ways in which I am. Observed enough others to know plenty of them are too, to varying degrees. And we corrupt one another, and more often than not those who don’t deserve it. Because that’s how pain, whether manifesting through rage or apathetic lack of concern, operates and pays forward onto others. Whether we recognize it or not, that’s power. Raw power at its roots. We have the power to shape, mold and influence one another’s perceptions, for better or worse.
Our power to break one another’s hearts and spirits is no small concern. It forms the very basis of our social realm. Without loving bonds, not much of real value matters to people, and we decay inside. We turn toward greed and self-fulfillment and lose sight of what matters more. Because we don’t know how to love one another. At least some of us apparently don’t. We’ve so far made a mess of our adult attempts to do so. The past molds us, and that conditioning can be so hard to overcome, but ultimately that becomes one’s responsibility to those they love, doesn’t it? Because otherwise what is there to this life? Hobbies and interests? Entertainment outlets? Shopping? Just looks like a bunch of hours and minutes to me, ticking by without much purpose or reason. And that strikes me as being a self-created hell on earth.
That’s happening to how many of us though? How many would be so honest if handed a questionnaire asking about that? Can’t even get at a topic of that magnitude with multiple choice questions. Impossible to capture it that way. Statistics have definite limitations on what they can illuminate. We read about how so many people admit to living in a depressive fog, but how is it slanted? It’s sold as some sort of biochemical problem in our brains rather than totally understandable feelings of depression stemming from our lifestyles, our choices, our upbringings, our suppressed passions, our sense of helplessness in a world seeming driven willy-nilly in a direction that looks evermore confusing and alienating to the soulful individual.
Makes a person sick in the spirit. I know I am, and I imagine lots of others are too, whether they recognize it this way or not. The sensation is felt by me as obsoletion — my dreams are outdated. But what I do have control over is how I treat the people most important to me and others as well, and I’m having to call on strength to do better and to try to make amends. Don’t know how to mend some of this though. And I’m still so bitter about some of those who’ve done me wrong. Hard to move on past all frustration — won’t claim to know how.
I’ll leave it at that tonight. Still have a little more work to do on this dreary, cold and rainy day.
Have a song on my mind worth sharing before I head out, Radiohead’s “Fake Plastic Trees”:
Haven’t watched that video in a coon’s age.