Monday evening thoughts continuing on love and personal power

Ran across and was listening to the following song from my personal collection:

That was the Five Blind Boys of Alabama singing “Old Time Religion.” Good one. Took it a little while to grow on me initially, but it’s a keeper.

Just felt like sharing that since it stands in stark contrast to my mood this evening. heh

Gotten to feeling over time like blah. Fine with my job, happy for the good friends I’m lucky to have, love my grandparents always … about damned tired of this stupid extreme weather in this state. Why I decided to move here — oy. Money. This is my curse as a result, frickin’ Midwestern Siberia. ha  True story. God, these winters can be merciless. Windy as hell around here. And that’s what I get. As humid as the South in the summertime and cold as a witch’s nipple in the winter. But I remain here because a couple people I care about live here, and they’re worth it. Much as I gripe. ha

Still in recovery mode on that one. But still, beyond that — blah. Unmotivated. Concerned but come to the point of realizing the only thing I can really do is improve my damn self so as to be better to my people and to come at folks in general from a better mindset. Because as it stands I’m pissed with the direction my country is going in, and my fellow Americans very frequently irritate the hell out of me. Might apply to people in general, but I’ve never traveled beyond Tijuana to say for certain. The political system’s a joke, and laws alone can’t provide a remedy. Not so sure a remedy could even exist because any direction we turn in from here will involve suffering, sooner or later. Societies have gotten too big for that not to be the case.

But whatever. Life’s gonna head where it’s gonna head. I got bigger problems to contend with in my personal realm where I actually have some control in helping co-create reality. This is my power, and I’ve been abusing it, not appreciating it fully, not recognizing the seriousness of some of the consequences and in the moment ignoring others. Some I figured on, others brought about through impulses I can’t entirely explain. Been puzzling my own self.

Brings back thoughts of my companion saying I talk about knowing thyself, yet here I am not understanding why I do what I do. The truth is we’re also learning about ourselves as we’re attempting to form who we want to be. Some have a long ways to go. We’re not all equal in that respect. Some are more selfish than others. Our sensitivities vary. A person can be sensitive and still behave insensitively toward others. Happens. But matters of the heart call on that shit to change. So it must. This love is worth it. Even if it must transition into platonic friendship over time.

Makes me also think about something Carpo719 was saying in a recent video, talking about how bad and good must both exist in the world. Can’t have one without the other. I agree. Been thinking that ideally it wouldn’t be a 50/50 split, because I doubt that much evil would be necessary to maintain a majority willing a better existence. Maybe 80/20. Who can say? Continuously fluctuates. But this notion that there needs to be contrast in life is where I’m at too and is how I rationalize why people like me exist. ha  Contrarians and stubborn mules. Bitchers and quibblers. Gamblers and wicked dreamers. We have our roles to play too, if only to spark questions.

Why should we pretend contentment when that isn’t what we’re experiencing? If societal shit sucks, why shouldn’t we pipe up and say so? And likewise, if someone’s personally fucking up, why can’t they admit that too? Only human after all.

We’re terrified of being judged. But we tend to be our own harshest critics, as we should be since we’re responsible for steering our individual ships. If not us individually, then what? Some matters are completely up to the individual.

Been going through a process the last couple of years. Been seeing aspects of myself come to light that aren’t who I ever wanted to be. But they’re likely deeply entrenched. It’s been a struggle just coming to realize some of this shit. Whether it’s all my own fault or not is irrelevant — it is undeniably my problem(s) to deal with now. No human’s an island, and I’m grateful for what support I do have. I lost faith in myself. I disappointed myself in some areas of life. And I’ve taken frustration out on the wrong people and in ways that proved damaging. Anger gets the best of me sometimes.

Gotta learn to channel this shit better. Been doing better for a while now, but still have a ways to go and other changes are necessary too. Fuckin’ A. Life. It’s all about living and learning along the way. Some of us make foolish, reckless mistakes and decisions — hell, probably all of us do at one time or another. Some are bigger doozies than others. Sometimes the person we hurt the most is our own self. But sometimes we deserve to be hurt too — can’t discount that.

Love involves suffering. Just does. That’s life. We don’t tend to thoroughly appreciate that which we haven’t applied any effort toward achieving or receiving. That’s not about competition with other folks, that’s just the way humans are geared inside. A person will try to move mountains for what they really and truly want. It’s how value is honestly determined.

Anyway, that’s enough of that for one night. Just thinking aloud. No biggie.

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