Friday evening in April’s thoughts

Some of us come from such different backgrounds and experiences that we might never be able to see eye to eye. Even when we manage to love one another. Sad truth.

Turns out to be lots of sad truths in this life. People like to say the past doesn’t define a person, and while I agree with that, it sure can be tough to outrun. Transitions take time, but in the meantime things can go irreparably wrong. It’s like pain just builds on top of pain to where a person  becomes self-destructive, sometimes without even meaning to be. Like autopilot. And if you don’t catch it quick enough and shut that shit down, you can really mess up your life and hurt people you care about.

We know all of this, at least in theory. Funny how real life winds up testing our theories. Might even turn out that  you’re somebody capable of behaving in ways you never figured possible. Always knew better before, but then totally lost sight. And in that instance, everything can be changed. Regain your senses and realize there’s nothing you can do to fix it.

It’s hellacious learning to let go of someone you care so incredibly much about. Worse even to recognize yourself as the one they need protection from. Try and change for the better, but all it takes is momentary slips into bad habits to screw it all up, perhaps forever. I don’t know how we’re supposed to get past some of this shit, especially in this day and age when so many of our bonds are pre-broken and everyone’s breathing down your neck, letting you know for one reason or another that you’re a piece of shit. Tough times to be a part of, just on the surface, but tougher still underneath it all when you hit near the core.

All a bunch of ramblings from someone who hasn’t yet drank enough this evening to blame it on the alcohol. What’s it mean? Nothing to anyone outside of myself. Between me and the universe. I fucked up so royally that I can’t barely see anything else. And that’s where I live, with seemingly no way out. Being honest. Not interested in sympathy, condemnation or advice from strangers. Just wishing there was a way to set this right, to make amends meaningfully. But there doesn’t appear to be. Been a fucking emotional roller coaster that I just want off of. But then I’ll be declared an asshole there too. Can’t win for losing.

Such is life. I wish I had known several years back what I know now. Really, really do. But that’s just not how it works. Too stubborn and short-sighted to recognize the consequences of my choices until they were upon me, and now I can’t escape them. People say pick yourself up and carry on, but people mostly just like to hear themselves talk. They’ll say anything if it makes them appear to know what they’re doing. The truth is that life involves countless trials and errors, many of which won’t release you unscathed. And I accept that under normal circumstances. Just not this one. This one was so awful it makes me wonder if I even know or can trust my own self. And that’s a shitty place to stand.

Doesn’t provide much comfort knowing millions of others have fallen in the same trap before. We’re expected to learn vicariously through the examples they set. But what if you’re jacked up by those same examples? Then what? Supposed to be stronger than that, more resilient than that, more thoughtful than they were. But sometimes we’re not. Sometimes we’re the bad guy because we act selfishly, thinking we’re doing what’s in our own best interest, only to find out how deeply our own interests are tied in with those of others, thereby harming the innocent. Unacceptable, yet true.

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