A dreary, rainy Thursday afternoon in April

Not a fan of the following song or band, just that the chorus managed to get stuck in my mind since the ’90s:

That was Extreme with “Stop the World.”

More and more, I want off this merry-go-round as well. Seems my mind gets blown daily by so much beyond my control. So many demands, so much water under the bridge with no end in sight to the flooding, and everyone’s saying we should smile and do a little jig to demonstrate how all of this shit is running off of us like off the back of a duck.

Well, that’s not realistic. Shit is getting to me, and I’m not in the mood to pretend otherwise.

My companion and I remain on an emotional roller coaster that loops back around every other day to the same ol’ problems and pains. Can’t seem to completely leave one another alone, but can’t put everything back together again the way it once was. Our relationship has been fundamentally changed forever. Feels like a wound that never heals. And this is how we live day to day, with it taking a toll on both of us. But what can you do? Where do you go from there? Just abandon one another and grieve alone? Neither of us want that.

[On a brighter note, last night we discussed a new strategy for us to employ moving forward, which hopefully will reduce some of the friction once we grow used to this new routine.]

I don’t know about the rest of people out in society, but I’ve had quite enough time by myself. I’m not natured to handle that much isolation. Social connections are what I’ve always craved, bad as I apparently am at nurturing and maintaining loving bonds over the long haul. It turns out to be a learning process just like everything else in life, and not all of us get educated on that one during our early years as is ideal. Not that that realization changes a thing. Just makes the situation all the more frustrating and puzzling.

Try to see it for what it is and work through it, yet it’s damn-near impossible when surrounded by people more comfortable with dissociating from their own problems and pasts. Makes a person look like a freak by comparison. Sets up a defeating paradox.

Life is getting too complicated, too overrun with conflicting information and demands, and I don’t know how to effectively respond at this point in time. But I’ll continue pondering and plucking at it to see what ideas abound.

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